Who am I!!!!

I am a survivor of severe childhood sexual, emotional, physical abuse. I have been diagnosed w/PTSD, DID anda multitude of anxiety disorders. I no longer take medication and have a T that I only see if I have a crisis. I go to work every day and consider myself to be high-functioning. Here is the problem, I feel like the person that works everyday is NOT ME, I feel like the person who "mothers" in NOT ME, I feel like the "wife" is NOT ME. I become what society expects me to be and sometimes I feel like who I really am is this angry, hurt, depressed child pretending ALL THE TIME! I always feel like I am pretending. How do I find out who I really am???

Hi, I'm sorry that you're having a hard time now. You said that you only see a T in crisis. It sounds like you're in a perpetual crisis, by feeling that you don't know who you are anymore. I suggest setting up regular appts with your T and even discussing returning to your meds. Talking all of this out would help you.....pat

fayerody, thank you for listening and responding. I don't feel like I am in perpetual crisis because I have used these "pretending" skills as a coping mechanism since I was 3 years old. Each identity I slip into is required for the situation at hand.(Although sometimes it is difficult to switch back and forth quickly, quietly, & with full effect) I refuse to take medication because then I feel like I am not in control. I understand that I have chemical imbalances but from having the control taken away from me at such a young age, I strongly feel the need for control through "self-talk" "imagery" "meditation" etc. I have read that "intergration" of DID is the recognition and acceptance of the fact that you have it and understanding the key roles these "identities" have/had/will play/ed in your life. I guess what I am trying to figure out is who is the "core" individual of my identity? I don't know if I will ever figure it out!

Hi Pat, Thanks again for your advice. As I read my posts over again, I am thinking that I may be in denial as to the severity of my depression and condition. I think I will call me T.

Hi,

I strongly recommend you talk with a t, since you don't like meds. A good t can help you work through many of your questions. Best of luck!

Jan

Thanks Jan, I think my problem REALLY lies in the field of DENIAL! I figure if I keep telling myself that I am fine, my subconcience will believe it. But when I come down off my fluffy cloud, I realize that I am not fine and I do need help. I also have problems asking for help because I "pretend" that I am strong and confident and in control ALL THE TIME!(It's quite exhausting) I want to be "well" so badly that if I call my T, I feel like I am not strong, confident,and in control and therefor I must be WEAK and VULNERABLE.....therapy is very scary for me. I always cry and have flashbacks and I am a wreck afterward. So I read a lot and I am quite enjoying being a part of this forum.

denial is something that we all probably deal with. it is such a handicap, when we're trying to get well. it stays, lurking, in the background and certainly can keep us from seeing our lives clearly.

i'm elated that you're going to see your T. no pain, no gain. i know that is a cliche, but we really do have to hurt, to get better. at least, i do. keep us updated....as often, as you need to..we're here for you.....xoxox pat

Thanks again Pat. Do you think we have a "core" personality? Or do you think our personality is made up of different personalities based on our experiences?

I am so confused. I want to be one person all the time!

hmmmm, never thought about it like that. i would think that i have a "core" personality that consists of what i learned as a small child. then, there would be layers that have come from my life experiences, which have been varied and affected me greatly. wow, i guess that i believe that there is my core, overlapped by the pieces that i've added throughout the years. does that make sense? most of thhe time i know who i am....but when i have doubts, it really bothers me.

Sykee,

Post some questions in the Dissociative Disorders Forum. The folks there might be able to help you also.

Best,

Jan

Jan, Thank you for caring, I will.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{sykee65}}}}}}}}}}}}
please call your T and talk and get these feelings out...
thinking of you and sending you warm wishes

Hi. Just a little imput from my own years "on the couch." In order for my T to find out more about me, she regressed me. Come to find out, I'd been traumatized at ages 3, 8 and as a teenager. I could see myself at these ages. Since I didn't have DID, my T was very careful to "re-integrate" me after the sessions. At the end of the regression therapy, she asked me to see the "core" me. I could actually see me at the different ages becoming one with "the adult" me.

Actually, I believe that all these people you feel you are, are all a part of the "core" you, just different facets of your Self.

It would be a good idea to discuss this with your T. It might not be as bad as you think it is after some explanation.

Good luck!

I am agreeing with the advice you have been given.......making continuing appointments with your T is the best place to begin helping yourself. The questions you have need to be answered.....you need to work on your answers to them.....& it really helps to have an outside force work with you.....they can ask questions that you might not even think of......they can help you see things that may not be obvious to you......they can help you put your pieces of yourself together into a complete functioning person (that you are), but with a better understanding as to "who" you really are.

It seems to me that my "core" is what I became up to aduldhood (about my 20's). Then I became many other things, the wife, the college grad, the aerospace engineer, the Mother (however not a very good one....cause I was too into my career), & all the other hats I wore. Then my career fell apart & so did I. It was my identity.....but I was told that my identity shouldn't be my career. We all need to look at our past which I am now doing in therapy. I never would have done it except for the fact that due to the trauma I went through with my Mother when she was dying at the end of last year & the beginning of this one, I haven't been able to even grieve about her death....& don't know if I ever will. It is only because I am letting those feelings haunt me that I am trying to find out why. We need to take care of the questions we have....they point to issues that we need to resolve internaly.

This is a good place to formulate your questions & bring out new onew that you might not have asked yet. I agree with you, we can talk ourselves into thinking we are better & strong enough to handle it by ourselves, but when the past comes back to haunt us, we need help.

Hopefully we can support you here, but I hope you will get your therapist involved on a permanent basis until you get most of your questions answered. As for meds.....I have the problem that I have horrible reactions to 100% of them except the seroquel I am on now so I can sleep without the nightmares haunting me as much.....it doesn't stop them.....only lessens. I understand not liking how you feel on them......I believe that good talk therapy can help just as much as meds given the right T.

Hope you can get the help you need so you can focus on the complete you (which is all of the things you see separately),
Debbie

Thank you to all of you for your input!! It is so comforting to know that there are others who can relate. My oldest child is in his senior year of high school and once I have done my duty of making sure my children have an education to go out into this world, I can work on myself. I am afraid to "fix" this problem as I am afraid I will fall apart. When I talk to my T about the abuse(she is awesome!)it brings the flashbacks,pain, anxiety, nightmares, and depression. I am not ready yet to "feel" all that yet. My husband does not understand and does not have the capicity to help.(I am divorcing him after son graduates H.S.) I need a close support system to "fix" this problem, someone to hold me, someone to kiss me and love me and let me know they will be there for me and everything will be alright. My husband gives me one obligitory kiss every morning before work and that's it! I find myself to be very edgy lately, snapping at him and hateing him for not being able to be the support system he knows I need. I have been married for 20yrs and I've had enough! It's GREAT to know I have all of you as my support system and when I am ready to take the GIANT LEAP OF FAITH, I hope you will all be here to give me a "virtual" hug. It means a lot to me. God Bless!

Understood. Speaking only for myself, I'll be here for you whenever you take that leap. You seem to have a good grasp of what you'll be going through. Just don't rob yourself of many good years, ok?

That was my biggest outrage when I finally got through it; all the years that I had been robbed of. Something else that was very painful and took a few years to get through my head; my husband isn't capable of giving me the emotional support I need. What I finally had to realize was that someone who isn't going through the same things as we do has nothing to fall back on for understanding. Like I said before, my husband doesn't have the emotional CAPABILITY (it's impossible for him) to even begin to understand or to GIVE. In the beginning, it wasn't his fault. He suffered abuse, too. Now that he's old, it would be nice if he could find the courage to accept his failings, but he can't do that, either. Some of us have the wherewithal to accept and change and some of us don't. We, you and I and others in the same situation, can either accept things the way they are or change them. It's our choice. I have chosen to accept my husband just the way he is. I know how life without him was. We were separated for seven years. I know how life had been and how it is now with him. Some things have changed... mostly me. I prefer to have him around.

Take care of YOU.

Sykee,

I can understand your problem with your husband.....& not wanting to leave him until your son is out of HS. I am at the point finally where I have been pushed far enough with my husband, & am now working with a lawyer to end a 30 year marriage. I got news, it sure isn't easy going through all the paperwork......talk about anxiety attacks at trying to find all the information that the other person so kindly filed is some unhuman method. It got so the fights were so bad that I would find myself back in depression, thinking I was sick with the flu.

I also understand Tomi's relationship with her husband.......if there is a relationship that can be tolerated, it really is better to keep it going. I know it is going to be hard not to have someone around me after 30 years.....but I had to weigh out my options. My pdoc is right, by divorcing, I am trading one set of stressors for another.....I know this......I also know that I am 52 & remember what it was like for my Mother when my father died & no one was around to help her do the things that were needed let alone the companionship.

It all goes into the pro's & con's of the situation. It sounds like you have thought through your situation rather completely & have a plan set out.....the only thing about putting off action is that sometimes when it comes time to take the action, it is easier to NOT.

Take care of yourself & do what you need to do for you best interest,
Debbie