[itsjustme111]

I just wanted to say hello to everyone. How the heck are all of you???? I am home now; for good!!!!

I will say sorry now, my mind set is not so good right now. Just ignore my negative junk. So much going on in my head right now.

Does anyone relate to this?? When things are bothering u, does all the issues from the past come and slap u in the face?? My issues from childhood, adolsence and my marriage are just haunting me. Its like everything is hitting me all at once. I made this goal, not a good one, but one that makes me feel in control. I made a goal to not eat at all, not even try. The only thing for the month of October that I told myself I can have is crackers. I made a goal to lose 40lbs by the end of this month. Its like a focus, to get away from all the stuff thats driving me insane. I keep hearing words like; "you're no good". "you'll never amount to anything". "i wish you would have died". "you are not my daughter."
I want to turn off my mind, make all the words go away. What keeps us alive anyway?? What keeps me here?? Hmmm. Thoughts are racing through my brain. I have these episodes of total excitment, like as if I cant stop moving around. I think I will explode. I will laugh so hard and my body just wont quit. Everything seems funny to me. I will makes jokes out of anything. Then this total feeling of being drained hits me like a ton of bricks. This goes on through the days. From a feeling of euphoria to a complete feeling of wanting to lay down and never move again. Its so weird, I have never had this before. What is wrong with me??? I know u cant answer this. Just venting whats in my head. LOL, I will stop now.

Justy

[itsjustme111]

Sorry, I have so manys thoughts going on right now. Dont mean to be self absorbing here. I just have these fears about what it means to die. To not be in this world. What happens to those around us. I guess like just goes on doesnt it. There is a song that I like by Garth Brooks; It dont matter to the sun. It really holds true. Not sure if anyone listens to Garth but some of his music hits home. Do I even make any sense at all?? I am worried cause my kids are out of school in 3hrs. I have to get it together by then. Put on my mask. My little happy face. Then it comes time to make dinner and the same old lies. "No really, I ate a big lunch, I am not hungry." God, I am such a lying stupid waste of life. Why did God waste such a life. Why was I born??? How pathetic, I am so fricking evil. I almost took a hammer and smashed every mirror in this house. Then throw my stupid scale out the front window. I think I have completely lost my mind. I freak myself out.

just

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You're here for a purpose and that ain't NO BULL!

Eat small but sensibly! You'll starve yourself to death on crackers.

Something to help you find your center is to stay in the NOW.

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Strange Feelings --

It sounds as if you are going through a lot right now. I don't envy you.

I've had these thoughts about what it means to be dead since I was a little kid. I told my shrink once how scary it was and he said, "Then don't think about it." Death is the great unknown for all of us.

As for the "eat no food" pledge. No no no no no. On a safe and sane diet, you should plan on losing about two pounds a week. You develop a new lifestyle that you can sustain by decreasing calories, substituting healthier foods for fatty, sweet, salty and processed food, and increase exercise to burn calories. And increase intake of pure water, very important.

A complete fast can kick up all kinds of emotions as the body purges, and can even result in hallucinations in some cases. You don't need any further upset right now. Take care of yourself.

A program of modest calorie reduction and modest exercise (even a walk around the block two times a day is said to help) would give you an attainable goal, which will increase self-esteem, and will absorb time as you research and devise nutritious menus (which may involve more trips to the store -- I can eat fresh fruit and veggies fast enough to keep them very long), count calories, and keep a record of every single little thing you eat. Buy a cheap calorie counter pamphlet and a little notebook to take everywhere. Kept over time, you can see what parts of the diet are providing too many calories; and just the act of having to write down every little thing stops me from eating. I'm not going to eat two almonds if I know I have to get the book out, look up the calories, write it down, and do a new subtotal.

Now mind you -- do I follow my own advice? Cackle, cackle. But I did when I was healthier person, I was avid about my health, and right now I need to keep my weight constant, not lose, and pretty soon I'm gonna be healthy enough to take better care of myself.

Sorry for writing so long. It's how I keep the demons at bay.

Good luck with the diet and your demons.