[cutbuddie]

I'm not sure how to put this because I have a horrible memory, but for as long as I can remember I've had this voice in my head. For the longest time it's been real quiet, on a come and go basis. The voice tells me to do things, to myself. I can't even say what it says because it won't let me
But now all of a sudden it just became the only thing I can hear. When I'm not distracted.
I was in the city today, out in the public. Something I'm not used to because I live in the country. But it was all I could hear, no matter what I tried. My eyes would start to swell but I tried my hardest not to cry. I felt like I couldn't breathe. That something what stopping it, that my mind was. I felt weak, like I was going to feint. All I wanted to do was go home, to go some place I knew, some place safe. I desperately needed it. But I held off until me and my friend got back to her house and my dad was on his way.
My dad told my sister and she texted me asking me what was going on. She thinks we should switch rooms for a week, to see it anything changes. I have a sense that it's because I told my family about this spirit of a little boy in my room, although I can't see it, I can feel it. But I don't understand why she would think changing rooms would change the voice.
I'm trying my hardest to fight it but it's starting to take over my body.
I just wish I could tell someone what it wants me to do. All the things it makes me see. How horrible it's gotten. How terrified I really am. How much I just want to latch onto my dad and just cry because he always made me feel safe by just having his arms around me.

I'm only 15, how could this be happening to me??

[madisgram]

oh cutbuddie have you ever seen a therapist to discuss what's going on? i think it would help you and perhaps the therapist can determine a remedy. i really think it's a good idea. why not ask your parents if they would support you in this?

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

Yes, a medical professional is the first person I would turn to for such. I hope you seek one out.

Have a good one.

[cutbuddie]

But if I go to a therapist what will happen?
What will happen if I actually am crazy?
How could I even begin to ask for help if I can't even tell?? =[

Help..?

[findingmy_self95]

I can't believe I didn;t see this sooner, I feel so bad now...Im always here even if u dont think ill understand Ill listen hun. If you want to see a professional, Ill be right by ur side and second of the day whether its 4pm or 4am. Im here for you even if we never become super close again

[cutbuddie]

Just kinda feels like no one believes me, not even me.

Just constantly, I hear this voice. It just bothers me so much, when people talk to me I just take out the frustration on them. It causes problems.
I can't concentrate either. I can't finish my homework. I just can't, no matter how hard I try.
All these problems because of this voice in my head. =[

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by cutbuddie

But if I go to a therapist what will happen?
What will happen if I actually am crazy?
How could I even begin to ask for help if I can't even tell?? =[

Help..?

Don't want to upset you here and have no intention of it, but I do hope to explain something. I, along with a number of others here have DID and we don't consider ourselves crazy. We are just mentally ill the way most others are on here. Some of us like me have several voices, one for each person who lives inside.

There are different schools of thought as to why the disorder exists. Some think it is trauma at different ages (which I agree with to one extent), trauma & stress, another is that it is caused by therapy whereby the core personality can't cope with what is brought up during therapy so creates a split personality to deal with a situation, among other schools of thought.

I had the disorder without knowing what it was until I came to pc. Even then I was incredulous about it and I took some convincing. Only when I was diagnosed did I accept it (preferring to think it was spiritual, but spiritual doesn't incite us to harm ourselves or others in any way. I thought for years that I had a "Spirit Guide" named Morgana. A woman I identified with
in many ways but in other ways I wished I was more like. She tells me she is from an ancient Celtic place and I couldn't argue because I have family from that same place.

Another was a little girl who would come and say NO! If I didn't have the courage to say no to someone miss meg would come forward and say it for me, she still does.

I won't go into them all but suffice to say I thought I was haunted, now I know I'm not and it was such a relief. It is also important for me to say that there is a personality for each traumatic occurrence in my life. I did not mature emotionally and I believe that each personality is an older version of miss meg whom is 3. There is less worry knowing than not knowing. I really hope that helps you in some way hon,

Rhiannon

Hello, cutbuddie. From what you are saying, you likely would benefit from professional treatment. If you went for help, you may be scheduled for an evaluation to help determine what is causing the concerns you raise. After that, a treatment plan would be put in place to help you get better.

Because you may have an illness does not mean you are crazy. Good luck with getting better.

[peejcrafter]

You could ask your dad to take you to the doctor. You said you feel really safe with him. Try to get an appointment right away because you need to see someone sooner rather than later hun. You have all of your supports here behind you!

[cutbuddie]

If I did got to a professional what would happen then? A treatment plan? What happens then? More pills? another psychiatrist that won't help?
What kind of doctor do I go to even?
I have too many questions and no answers. =[

My dad and mom are looking into me going to the doctor. Might still be a while..

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

Originally Posted by cutbuddie

But if I go to a therapist what will happen?
What will happen if I actually am crazy?
How could I even begin to ask for help if I can't even tell?? =[

Help..?

That is why you should seek out the counsel of of professional, for he/she is trained to efficiently answer such questions and help you reslove the problems you feel are tormenting you.

Have a good one.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Please don't be afraid cutbuddie, things are not as bad as you think. Most of us have been through what you're going through now and we got through it ok. There's more fear in not knowing than knowing,

((((Hugs to you))))

[kliveadam]

Awesome work

[cutbuddie]

Hey everyone, thankyou for all your support, it's really been great to know that people are there for me like all of you are.
Well, I'm not sure if my parents have contacted a doctor but I've been able to control the voice in public so I don't randomly scream at myself. But now it's telling me to do more stuff, not only to me but to others. All I want to do it hit things. I'm not the hitting type but when I hear the voice I just want to trash things.
I've been writing every once and a while about how I've been dealing. Just throughout the day. It feels better after I get it out of my system.
Last night was the first night sleeping alone. Since my little scare my sister has been sleeping with me, although it didn't stop my midnight wake-ups it's helped me feel safer. But last night was tough, I couldn't even turn off my light, although I was super tired I couldn't turn it off. When I'd dose off I'd quickly wake up. I was just getting really paranoid, I don't even know what I saw but I did. Just terrifying. then my mom came and turned it off and told me to go to bed. It's just hard that she has no sympathy for me at all.
After she turned my light off I was just too scared to reach over and turn it back on.

I really appreciate you all for listening to me and being there for me.

Thanks for all the support guys.

[sabby]

(((((((((((((( cutbuddie ))))))))))))))

I can only imagine how scary it is for you right now and not really knowing where to turn or what to do. Please know that you are far from crazy hon. Illnesses come in all shapes and sizes and it's a matter of going to the right professional (maybe even more than one) to help you find your way through this maze. I know that sometimes you may think that professionals don't help, many people feel that way, but the only way for you to find out what is going on is to go and be evaluated.

If the voice gets too much for you to take and you are really afraid of doing the things the voice tells you to do, you can go to the emergency room in your area and they will call in a mental health professional to talk with you and do an evaluation to see where you are. Once that is done, they will let you and your parents know how best to access the help you need and deserve.

There are a number of different illnesses/disorders that could cause what is going on with you. Of course, no one here can diagnose you, nor should we try. We can only support you and help you to move in the best direction for you. Please don't worry about what the doctors or therapists think, they are not there to judge you, only to help you.

I know it can be a big and scary step to take to search out help. Please know that you have all our support and we're here to listen as well. Take good care of yourself okay?


sabby

[findingmy_self95]

If it gets to overwhleming at any point just call me and I'll steal my dads car and come and see you. After jacking the keys and yelling at him, btw just taking ur car, bye hahaha <3 :P I love you hun, i dont have any minutes but tex me and ill get ur text hopefully

[cutbuddie]

Well, today was my first appointment with a psychologist about the voice that's been bothering me. It was like any regular first session. They just ask you questions and talk briefly about what has been going on. But this psychologist is $100/h. I just feel really bad that my parents have to spend that much.

Trish is her name, she's really nice and understanding. Usually when I try to tell people what's going on or to describe anything the words come out all jumbled up, but luckily she understood what I was saying. But usually when I talk to people about my problems I can't look at them. I always have to look at the ground, I always have to position myself in the same way and shake my feet. I always have this position everytime.

Other than going to my first appointment about the voice I've never really improved all that much. Still have troubles sleeping, concentrating, hallucinations.. etc. Even at my appointment when She was talking to my dad I couldn't concentrate at what they were talking about, I just stared at the ground, shaking my feet at picking at my skin.

What she suggested was that I check in with my doctor as soon as I could and to try some things that distract myself so the voice could stop. Also that we make a safety net, that I could go to the hospital to be in a secure place if it got worse again. She also said that I'm really quite for someone who has a voice this bad in their head. That I'm using alot of my energy just keeping it inside and that by not sleeping doesn't help at all with any of the other symptoms.

It really did feel alot better to be able to talk to someone. But I just hate after the appointment is done you always think of things you wish you would have mentioned.

Well, my next appointment is next thursday dec 2nd. And tomorrow my dad will be making the appointment with the doctor.

[sabby]

Oh wow, that's great you got to see Trish and will be seeing your doctor soon.

You did a great job talking and giving your answers. I think you had a really good first session. Remember, it takes time to build a trust and comfort level with a new therapist. Just like meeting a new person in life, it takes time to feel comfortable with them.

It sounds like the T was very validating to you and concerned as well. That's a good thing I'm glad your parents are supporting you as well. This all sounds like a win/win situation hon!

Keep up the good work and I pray you are feeling better soon!


sabby

Good for you, cutbuddie.

[findingmy_self95]

Im so proud of you, you don;t even understand My heart is jumping for joy and I just wanna hug you!!!!

[cutbuddie]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the support. But it hasn't gotten easier. I'm now starring off into space more, exhausted, distracted from school and home, everything. I get real moody when the voice bothers me alot.
Today at school I almost called my dad to come get me because it was so bad. Teachers kept telling me to pay attention, that I kept on day dreaming or staring off into space, my friends kept saying that too. Well it was true. I hadn't had a good sleep in over a week without having nightmares or usual hallucinations and waking up at odd times of the night, or even concentrated and finished homework. Just today it was different, I was shaking, it felt like I wasn't even controlling my movements and voice, I spoke fast, I was shaking, my writing was extremely messy and sloppy.
I always caught myself gripping onto my arm, as if to get myself, my real self out again. I'd look at my arm and my hand is gripping onto it, my knuckles are just white as can be. Now my arm hurts to touch. It was the same last night, I'd be hitting my arm, my other arm. But I have no idea why, I didn't even notice I was doing that.
It's like I'm not even controlling my body sometimes. It really scared me today.

[cutbuddie]

Should I have called my dad to get me??

[findingmy_self95]

I think you should get in contat with that woman you were talking to, or even goto the hospital when that happens. You are hurting yourself and you need to take care of yourself. When this happens, tell yourself. I AM IN CONTOL OF MY THOUGHT AND MY BODY. **** OFF. MY BODY IS MY OWN AND IM CONTROLLING IT FROM NOW OFTEN. Hopefully that helps hun.

[cutbuddie]

It's kinda that feeling where you're paralyzed. But only I am me but I can't control what I'm doing or thinking or saying. It's like really fricken scary.
Hey Brennan got on msn or somethin'

[cutbuddie]

Ugh, with each day I'm getting more and more exhausted. I could usually handle school but today was worse than usual, not only did I have gym but I could feel my friend was mad about something, not sure what but she was more distant from me. I just couldn't stay at school much longer. But it did take my dad some time to be convinced that I could come home. I know he knows that this voice is sucking alot of my energy plus the troubles sleeping does not help. I know he knows this because I was sitting there when my new T told him.
I thought they would be easier on me but they're not. I just feel like the appointment didn't help at all. I thought they would be atleast a bit easier on me, to atleast understand where I'm coming from, atleast just a little. That's all I want..