Complex Social Biology

I have learned a lot about myself in the past year. Sharing this perhaps will help others, too. This necessarily longish post covers biological and behavioral aspects of socialization and anxiety. Quite possibly I am overstating or understating a few things, but I'm doing my best with a complex subject.

I have always been a very "sensitive" person, and have been researching the mechanisms underlying that. For one thing, I have to learn how to better handle information coming in from mirror neurons, particularly when under stress. I seem to have a lot of mirror neurons, or perhaps a few hyperactive ones!

Mirror neurons seem to encourage empathy, learning by example and the kind of mirroring behaviors that engender social connection (and make you darn good at celebrity impersonations at parties, lol). However, the dark side is that you can feel hypersensitive to others' moods and walk on eggshells at the slightest hint of someone in a bad mood, or of apparent judgment, rejection, embarrassment or attack. Unwelcome feelings of obligation and guilt are common. Some bad (but common) social experiences and the usual relentless social messages of "Always play fair and be nice to everyone" accidentally amplified the negative effects, I think.

Being around aggressive, rude, loud people or social groups of vastly different value systems and perspectives often gives rise to a distressing sensation of self-doubt, defensiveness and cognitive dissonance. It can literally feel like being invaded or coerced. Everything is in your face. It can become overwhelming. Rational framing of the situation can disappear. It has possibly been a factor in making me shy, avoidant and non-assertive to an unhealthy degree.

Any idea on how to leverage the strengths of mirror neurons while minimizing the downside of reacting to and being deeply affected by whatever and whomever you're around, like it or not? How can I stop pleasing and appeasing everyone under the sun without losing the natural compassion I find to be a fulfilling natural strength? How does one get a thicker skin without becoming closed off? And how to get past memories of being ridiculed by my peers and so "firmly guided" by adults for such sensitivity since childhood? "You are too sensitive" ... "You are not sensitive enough". WTH??? What about "I am who I am, take it or leave it, I accept it, I no longer let it bother me!" ? But oh it does ...

I apparently absorb social feedback with the same ease with which I breathe air - and it suffuses my brain about as completely. How to filter out the negative? How to set boundaries whose shape is right for me?

Add to the mix the fact that I do tend towards a highly reactive, hypervigilant nervous system and am apparently pretty good at divergent thinking - I can see all sides to an argument and perceive different possibilities - although there's some VERY strong dichotomous (black and white) thinking in there too. Now I begin to grasp WHY socialization can feel so enormously intense and mentally exhausting for me, while also being potentially a source of deep satisfaction. Classic approach-avoidance conflicts right there.

I also have a pretty good memory recall, a vivid imagination, and a tendency to get obsessively focused on potential threats and rewards (that highly active nervous system again). So, negative social feedback triggers memories of the same, imagining a recurrence, and intrusive thoughts about it that are difficult to ignore.

This whole line of reasoning also explains why I am so confident online, but not offline. Online, there is less emotional feedback and no body language to read. Online, I tend to fill in what I CAN'T see or hear with what I WANT to see and hear - validation and positive communal feelings. Unless someone is being blatantly nasty, I "read" all smiles and fuzzy hugs, and that feels fantastic. No wonder I sometimes feel almost addicted to online socialization.

Where I am at right now is fully aware of where I am going wrong socially and with my needlessly pessimistic self-image. I can guess what's happening biologically and psychologically, and I can see that these factors have been a very clear TRIGGER for depression in the past. However, how to FIX this?

My question finally is: how to play to my strengths while minimizing my weaknesses? Perhaps the anxiety angle is where I should start ... or learned negative expectations? Both? How can I feel socially secure, calm, confident and assertive when biology, experience and learned negative expectations so often work against me? I have tried meds several times, by the way, and nothing seems to fully modulate whatever is out of sync. However, self-induced feelings of calm, a few personal victories in a row, and positive social feedback from people of very similar interests and perspectives works absolute wonders with zero side effects. How to set myself up for more of this when I have learned to be habitually tense, passive and socially inhibited, then? How do you get yourself out of a mental habit of lowered expectations, self-defeating discouragement, and seeking external validation because that feels so natural? I am convinced that this is the key to every issue I struggle with.

Update: minutes after posting this, and I am climbing the walls. I've divulged too much!! I am going to be horribly embarrassed and ostracized!! My life will be ruined and civilization will collapse!! Just press "Delete", you know you want to, Onwards. I need a hug, lol.

((((Onward2wards))))

Thank you for posting and I do not think anyone will think bad of you. I am hearing what you said and I validate how you feel. I wanted to give you a hug and let you know that I read your post. Right now my brain is not seeming to work and words seem to be far away. But I wanted you to know that I appreciate all that you said and I will come back and answer. But I wanted to give you a hug now and let you know that you are cared about and that what you have to say is important. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

building new habits and paradygms takes just as much energy as building the old ones did, plus you have to tear down the old ones as you go, so this is not the fast track to becoming the person you want to be, it's just the only track, keep on tracking,,,, best wishes, Gus

Debunk. Challenge and debunk.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/fix...e-distortions/

thanks for sharing onwards! I can really relate to a lot of the issues you battle with (((HUGS)))

Wow, I could have written that post- except you were much more articulate than I would have been. For years I have been in and out of therapy, off and on meds. Currently one that is helping me with the emotional deregulation is Lamictyl. My emotions are not as extreme and my funks not as long lasting.

I just want to make a couple of comments on what I have realized.

-I use to judge everything about myself according to what I think I SHOULD be like, what I Should be doing. What's wrong with me? I don't have many friends, I hate to go out in public, I am uncomfortable in so many situations. But, so what? Who says I need to have and do these things? We need to just do what works for US, and be okay with it. Sure, there are some things you can't avoid, but you can learn the best way to do it. I go to a grocery store quickly and sometimes in another town. I go out when I am in the right mood and state of mind. I never try to make decisions late in the day when I get tired and more stressed. You try to make choices that work for you, then do you best, and let it go if you are not successful.

-Part of all of this is making the right choices in the people you surround yourself with, especially the ones you have a choice with. I use to talk to my sister a lot, and now I rarely do. Everytime I got off the phone, I would feel bad, vulnerable, and sad. So now I don't set myself up. I'm trying to either be with people I like, or am comfortable with. When I have to deal with the other ones, I limit the time and situation. And when it all goes bad, I try to not get stuck in it.

-I have major issues with impulsivity, and this has often contributed to my trouble in relationships and interactions. Again, avoiding certain situations and people can help. But I am also trying to self talk my way through things.. Take deep breaths, just STOP talking for a minute. It is about training yourself to do simple things to change the course of what is happening. Maybe you can walk away, or say you'll get back to someone, or need a break. Now, when I write an email, I NEVER send it right away. I save it until later, or the next day, and reread it. Same thing with the phone. I just don't answer calls from my mother if I am not feeling up to it.

- I am the queen of hypersensitivity and can break down in a second at a comment or look from someone. Again , some of what I said above helps that. When I look back on some of those really bad times where I just fell apart, it doesn't seem as bad now as when it happened. I think when you are sensitive like that, you build things up in your heart and mind. In truth, probably other people don't even see things the way you did. When it's over, it is long gone for them while it sits in our minds- the regret or embarrassment or whatever. Cry it out or whatever you need to do, but then move on.

-The thing is, I think even though we KNOW that everyone is different, we tend to expect that other people notice the same things, that their perceptions of a situation are the same as ours. They are not. I am always projecting what I believing people are thinking about me, and it's always negative. So many times in a panic attack or whatever, my husband has pointed out that I make it worse before it even gets started. I try to presume I know the outcome- I have labeled people and figured out what they are thinking and everything!

-I have always gone out into the world feeling like I am the only one who feels like me- that EVERYONE else I run into has it together. Oh my goodness, that just isn't true. It helps getting older to see this. If you really think about it, and stopped 10 people in the store and asked them, any kind of honestly would show you that everyone has their sh--, it just looks and smells different for them. Yours is not better or worse. Well, yeah, maybe it is.. but you know..

-Recently I have been put through the emotionally thin skinned test bigtime, and this is probably the most important thing I wanted to say. We had a tragic death in the family- a suicide last week. Wow. I have never seen such a range of emotions from people about death and guilt and how people deal with all, especially how people are dealing with each other in all of this. For me, it is all right on the surface, their is no bottom to my empathy and emotions right now. But that is all appropriate; it's who I am and it has actually been helpful to others that I am like this- very giving and supportive.
There have been a few family members who have been quite restrained in their emotions, to the point where it has really pissed me off. But just as what I am feeling is ok for me, I need to see that that is who they are, and I cannot and should not tell them what to feel and how to cope. Even though it's hard not to.

I think the hardest part about this is: Because the emotional people like me are right out there in people's faces with their feelings- they become easy "targets'. You are made to feel like you are overreacting, overemotional basket cases sometimes. But you know what? Why is this the WRONG way to be? It's not!! Maybe THEIR way is not the best response. Or maybe there IS no right or wrong way. Someone got me crying so hard the other day and my first impulse was to say what is wrong with me, they don't like me, I am a loser etc... I had to step back and say they probably were uncomfortable with someone expressing feelings that they can't. Seriously, and I mean this., if given the choice, would you rather be insensitive and cold? I wouldn't it. In fact, my sensitivity is one of my strongest traits. I just need to understand it more, because it is my best friend and worst enemy at the same time. The days when I can accept it and even celebrate it are so much more productive and peaceful.

- When I find ways to use my sensitivity as a strength, a good part of my personality, it makes me feel better, because I am being myself and seeing how good that can be . And sometimes I can tell that this quality is helping someone else. We need to channel our strengths. The things that you say feel so natural are real to you and complicated and took a long time to get that way. Some of them, the ones that work for you, you just need to accept as okay, and the others, well, you need to learn how to separate those out, make decisions that will help you not make them worse, and learn ways to replace the negativity.

In my opinion , this learning to love oneself happens in small doses as you deal with things through talk, trial and error, self forgiveness, baby steps, distraction etcc AHHHH! I am rambling ridiculously!

Ok, almost done. A conversation like this must include this: feeling healthy in your body means everything to mental health. I am working on this myself. Eat better, exercise more. Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to just get out of your head and heart with distractions. It's okay to stop thinking and feeling so much and so often.
- I am sorry if I am rambling.. I think I got off on tangents to help myself feel better about my life right now. I think

i will share what has helped me the most,,, escaping the constant thinking and feeling, and finding a place where just BEING was enough. i used meditation and a technological therapy, CenterPoint auditory therapy, to get out of my head and into my being... i highly recommend it ~! in just 5 yrs i have lost almost all of the baggage that was packed into a lifetime of abuse and angst. best wishes to all who suffer from the same~~ Gus

Onward2wards - I enjoyed reading your post and can relate to many things you wrote. I think you're a great observer of your own thinking processes. I used to be very shy when I was younger and most shy sufferers tend to over analyze ourselves and the world around us. This can be a useful tool in understanding yourself and others. Often we're are own worst enemy as well lol - leading to self criticism and self doubt.

I think you're on the right track and don't let anxiety hold you back. We all make mistakes and fumble in life...all part of learning. You need to find the right balance between empathy and assertiveness - that way you can avoid bitterness and isolation. I wasn't happy in the confines of my shyness so I gradually practiced being more sociable and learned how to control the inner critical voice. I can relate to your post and thanks for sharing.

((((Onward))))

I can see what you are saying in your post and many things I could touch. I know for myself and many here that black and white thinking has always been. For so long I did not even realize that there was any other way to see things. I never knew that there was any in-between grey areas to consider and even now I have trouble and fears surrounding that grey area of thinking.

When someone says something I am afraid to question it or to not do what it is they say. So many times I feel I am run over by others because of my fears thinking that if I do not do what they think or say then I am not doing it right. My fears of disappointing or not caring about them steps in and I cannot say what it is I feel for fear of getting in trouble or not being right.

My heart is always trying to please and to do the right thing even when that means that I am the miserable one. I think that stems from growing up and always trying to please to somehow keep the peace, but actually it never did because there was always something wrong with what I did whether it was perfect or not.

Mistakes were not possible as a child or else there were consequences to answer to and so I would try to be perfect. Even though no one is perfect trying to be that way became just a way of life for me. Now trying to be perfect is something that gets in the way of being who I want to be. Always making sure things are done just a certain way and by a certain time.

I find that I still try to please everyone so that no one gets hurt. Somehow feeling that if I do this then no one will feel bad or get mad. But it is not helping myself and it makes things feel so out of control. I really never had control growing up but the opposite effect had a price to pay and one that I did not want to pay.

For so long I walked on eggshells around people afraid to breath wrong that it would upset them. Trying hard to just keep the peace and not rock the boat. So to do that I did whatever I could to keep everyone happy whether I was happy or not. Never asked for anything for I knew that I was to need nothing or want nothing and I felt that no one would care anyways.

Even today I have trouble finding that place where it is okay to say "No" or to have an opinion without feeling that it is wrong or that someone will make fun of what I think because it is not right. But who decides that what I think is wrong or right? And is it okay to say "No"?

Guilt plays on me as it always has. Always feeling guilty for having thoughts that are not what others think to the point that I will just hold it inside and take it out on myself. For so long feeling guilty and feeling that if I do not do what others want then I am bad or not grateful enough. So many times being guilted as a child into doing things that I lost that sense of my own thoughts if I ever even really had any or at least none known to myself at the time.

So many times I get afraid to look back at a post I make afraid that I will be ridiculed for my feelings or not be able to answer. I get afraid because for so long I did not ever have my own feelings for it was not okay to have feelings unless they were what everyone else wanted.

If I did not want to do something or feel someway, then being made to feel like I did not care or was not right. It pulled me inside and to where even if I thought something I would not say it. Fearing that my thoughts were not good enough or I was just too dumb to be involved in any conversation with anyone. Always afraid and staying one step ahead of what was expected to make sure not to do the wrong thing.

I do hear you Onward and I am not sure if I have said anything here that makes sense. Seems lately I have been questioning everything I write and think as though it is coming out wrong. I do know that here we except you for who you are and there are no judgements or expectations. Now do I feel that for myself----not sure as many times I think my patterns of where and what I grew up with scream louder than what I am trying to accept and find.

I do thank you for posting. I do hear you and think I understand what you are saying. I do hope you will keep sharing and know that you are being heard. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps