guilt

today is my eldest childs birthday..he 21..he is having a fabulous time and went on a trip for his b-day,,he is a good student and studying very hard,,i am feeling guily about not being the best mom,,i had him when i was 16 and eventually married his father and had 2 more children..i was a good mom but emotionally i was always distraught in my relationship with his father..so he seen me cry alot or end up arguing,,when my husband and i split it was very hard on our children,,no matter what i did or didnt do his father talked bad things about me,,i dont believe it is right to try and make the mother of your children look bad to her children,well since then(5 years) the relationship with my son has been strained,,he does not look at me like he use to..i think he thinks i was a terrible mother..prob an emotional basketcase at points,,but i have never done anything to harm them consiously..at 21 he has not dated yet and his father and new girlfriend would tease him about this..i told him that he is concentrating on his schooling and making a future and that in time he will find a person he feels comfortable with..is it normal to not date yet? even if its not i would never pressure him or make him feel stupid..i wish his father would care enough to realize what he is doing...do you think my mothering would affect him so that he would not date? i wish we were close like we use to be but i do not pressure him

Hey QUEEN OF WANDS,

I never dated until I was 24 years old. I am now 25 and I have found all of my relationships have not been the greatest and it is a reflection on me... not my upbringing I think.

Your son sounds like a very hard worker. He also seems to be sensible

At the end of the day.... U have never hurt him or your other 2 children. You have been a good mother.

Can you talk to your son about what went wrong with you during his childhood? Maybe that will open him up and you guys can see where things started going wrong?

I ex speaks bad about me to my elder two sons, I make a point of NEVER running him down to them. I tell them off if they are out of order to the point of putting the phone down on one because he felt it was acceptable to swear while talking to me on the phone ! I will not be held to ransom by my sons (one is 21 the other 20) for them to like me and it seems to pay off.

I would carry on regardless and just be a mum they only have one mum as as they grow older the respect will take over.

If anything make excuses for your ex ie Oh well its just his way etc.

(((Queen)))

I am sure you were a good mom to him. You did the best you could and that is all any of us can do!

thank you all, i know ive done the best i could, i guess im just feeling guilty for his father and i breaking up and knowing that it affected them...but it was not a good relationship so i imagine that affected them too..i will continue to support him and when he is ready/older maybe he will open up and have a heart to heart talk

you are right I are dont care if we break up you dont need to poison your kids mind about me.Thats what my brother Is going through right now with his soon to be ex wife of seventeen years .Ok I not taking sides he got married when he was just seventeen and she was twenty three years of age and my brother was so crazy In love with her that he left us and got married which was the worst thing he could of did because she turn him against us and she was treating him like a child what ever she would want he jump and did it he now 34 .He should of have a backbone and not just jump and did what ever she say .he stop talking too us and he was hating us for no reason it was like she had a spell on him.He was working too jobs until he graduated from high school .He became a police officer and they started having kids .His older child Is seventeen years old and his second one 14 and his last child Is 11 .So anyways when they started having problems she would tell his kids that she dont like her husband and dont like us .She even turn the kids hating my mom for no reason she not right for this .Because if she have an issue with us then she should of talk to us instead of telling her kids lies on us .She act like she a victim she the one at cheated on my brother and she really crazy she want to mess up my brother life by calling the cops and saying he choke him that was not true because we was over there visting them at that time .This very stressful cause we love the kids and they tolds us straight to our faces that they hate us .

If it was a bad relationship you did the right thing by getting out. My mom stayed with my dad even though he beat us. She thought that would be better than us not having a father at all....it WASN'T!
Things will get better as he grows...he will come to understand.

sorry to hear she is such a selfish person

thank you very much skully

thank you dont feel guilty about nothing we as women gotta get of no good relationships

I often feel guilty about what I have shown my kids (21 and 22). But you know what? When I talk with them now, I see that the bottom line is that they are loving and kind and generous people. I have always waited for the time when they will confront me with how I have messed up their lives, and how awful it was growing up with a mom who was sad so often and children of a very imperfect marriage. But I know they felt and continue to know how very much I love them.

I think that a lot of what we think is based on things we experienced as children ourselves, and I also think it can be easy to think the worse. In reality, I don't think our children perceive things the same way we do. And they are more resilient than we sometimes give them credit for. The fact that your thinking and worrying about this means that you are already many steps ahead of people who don't even consider the impact of things on their children's lives.

Children and people in general go through different stages at different ages and times in their lives, so try not to worry and personalize it all. You are doing the best that you can, and it sounds like that is a lot. One of the best things we can do for our children is to learn how to take care of ourselves.

I have been and am a good mum to my younger children (diff hubby diff kind of life makes it easier) I was not such a good mum to my older two who as I mentioned earlier are 20 and 21 I have apologised to them but they laugh it off as I tell them I tried the best I could but know I failed them in many ways.

My oldest saw what the marriage had done to me and my ex and it was not nice so understands more however my younger one is now is prison he has mental health issues, I tried really hard with him but the marriage situation was terrible my ex would not leave no matter how much I begged him, no matter how much the marriage counsellers advised him to go.

He would not leave his house. Things that made life for him nice.

So they the children saw and heard lots of arguments (I am no pushover and gave as much as he did which looking back I was wrong) it affected them badly my eldest adores me but is constantly worried that I am depressed no matter how much I tell him I am fine he worries constantly not a good thing for a young man to do about his mother.

My younger one resents me for leaving the home 10 years ago and for leaving the area four years ago (even though he was at that time in prison) he resents my new hubby again I dont know why as he has been a good step father to him for the past nine years.

He hates his real dad but loves him too so is very confused and I am having to constantly explain how sorry I am for failing him and he accepts it but in a month or two brings it all up again and I am yet again saying sorry. (I will do this for ever if I have to) In the end I love all my children the same but feel guilty about my lack of parenting skills to my older two.

I have to take on my current hubby their step dad who for whatever reason feels I have said sorry enough and gets frustrated with me I dont care he will have to get over it...

I have rambled on here to you but I guess I am trying to get over to you never give up on him or your relationship with him it WILL get better, swallow any pride and let him know you love him and that yes you failed but no matter what you still love him and he will always be your child the child you adore.

Write him a letter if you want to or tell him face to face when the moment arises. Just dont leave it too long as you are both missing out on what you could have !

Hugs to you and I wish you well.

There is also the simple matter that if he is aware that relationships can go wrong, he might be more shy of going into them. This might not have anythin to do with you are even your husband,, but might simply be his experiences going bak to the breakup. Also, a 21 year old has a lot to get straightened out in his head. He is not completely over a lot of the adolescnet stugff, and if he has a father who is being unreasonalble about somethings, it will take a little longer for him to get that sorted out. It will take him a bit longer to decide what kind of man he will be. He might not be blaming you for anything, but he might have to turn tinto himslef more for advice on what to do as a man when questions of identity come up that he can't turn to you for, and feels that he can't turn to his dad for, because dad is being unreasonable.
Remember, you did what you could to help him by leaving a bad situation. Staying would not have helped. HUGGGGS.

ty,lonegael,the more i think of it i know ur right,,he is here now to spend a couple days,,he just showed up at the door with no warning,lol,i am so happy..i was probably overreacting because he is my oldest and it is hard to watch them grow up and go through things..i will always support him and be thankful that i left his dad,,i was just having a hard day that day..ty for ur reply

Tishie,,i thank you for your post as well,,when i read it ,it made me feel a whole lot better..its nice to be able to relate with you..i will be fine..ty also hayward ty