Fantasy vs. Reality

I think I have problems with the two...

I live a lot in my head and a lot of the times I start believing the things I think. For example I often think about this administrator on this other online support forum and I converse with him in my head and then I may write him an e-mail or post once in a while that sort of continues from that conversation.

I'm I just utterly nuts people?

but you are realizing

this subject can go deep . . . everyone drifts back in forth from fantasy to reality . . . i think "level of functioning" is important to consider before assumming you are "nuts" . . .

Right now I have the urge to send that administrator another e-mail asking him why he only goes on the boards when I'm not around. I know he doesn't answer my questions, but I still want to send him the e-mail. I worry that I may be harrassing him and that he may send the police after me only day and I'll go to jail.

You seem really concerned with what this admin thinks of you. Is his approval really important to you, or is that part of the fantasy do you think?

I think his approval is really important to me. I don't know why. He doesn't interact with posters much at all. Everything is strictly admin.

I don't know what is up with me and thinking about him. I tend to think highly of him and admire him. You can even say that I love the guy in a non-romantic way. It comforts me to know that he is around somehow. Other times I think he hates me and wants me dead. Sometimes he becomes bad and hurts me by doing certain things.

greenleaves, when you say he becomes bad and hurts you do you mean literaly. Or is this the fantasy bit.

Al the girls

I don't think he really means to hurt me (even though sometimes I think that he does mean to hurt me). I still get hurt either way. I get really really upset and cry a lot and think of harming myself.

An example of what hurts me:

One time I altered this administrator's picture and asked if he would put it on his website. I just wanted a simple yes or no answer but he didn't answer my question, so I starting thinking that he hates me and was ignoring me on purpose. I got pretty upset.

Then all of a sudden one day he just took the picture and put it up on the site! I was so super happy!

I did something later that got me blocked and a few days into my block, my picture go replaced and I starting thinking that he was further punishing me and wanted horrible things for me. During this time, I sort of lost control and started e-mailing the poor guy stuff that made no sense. I couldn't stop myself. It was horrible.

When I'm thinking clearly I know that he doesn't want me dead or wish for bad things to happen to me. I know this because he told me once. (Which is a really big surprise because he doesn't interact with us in a non administrative way. )

He told me that ODs are not a good idea and that I should not OD. I still keep that post to remind myself that he doesn't want me dead when I starting that again.

greenleaves, I dont know the person you are talking about so its hard to give you "sound" advice. But from what you write it seems like he cares in that he has sent a supportive message and you are able to look at it to keep yourself safe.

Maybe he is unsure of what you are trying to do/say when you send him lots of emails. It can be confusing for the person on the other end if what you say is unclear and maybe he just doesnt understand what it is you are trying to say. Im not being clear either, so i will try again.

Its like.................are you tring to say something to him but you are not clear in your emails..................or.............
are you trying to say something by sending him lots of emails? Sort of like "im sending you al these emails becasue you are on my mind"?

Is this making any sense. What im saying is this: is it the volume of emails you send that is the real message you want to put accros. Lots of emails can be a way to let someone know that you have them on your mind?

Maybe he doesnt understan why you are sending him all the emails and he is just confused, sort of by their content and by the volume?

What do you think?

all the girls

I stopped sending too many e-mails to him. I sent him 11 in about 5 days the last time I was blocked. This time I've only sent 6.

Last time the content of the e-mails was distressing to say the least. This time I'm mostly calm and rational in them, well...except for one.

He never answers any posts/e-mails that are not directly related to administrative issues. He has some pretty clear boundaries and he doesn't break them.

I keep wanting him to be my friend and in my mind I think he is my friend, even though he doesn't socialize or talk to me. I'm messed up.

greenleaves, i think you have just explained the whole problem beautifully. You want him to be your friend but he remains an adminstrator of a site and has boundaries that he is pretty firm with.

That seems to be what is really going on. I know it is hard for you. In a way ive been there too, not with an administrator, but someone else in my life who I really wanted to be friends with. I did a bit of pushing and in the end I had to bite the bullet and accept it. This person was a work colleague and we came into contact only for work issues but I sort of felt like I wanted more. Anyway, it wasnt to be and oh it hurt. Inside I wanted to jump up and down, say some stuff, make demands, I really wanted to make a real fuss about it. But I just had to give it up and deal with the pain. It hurts a little now even to think about it but in the end I had to accept the situation. There was nothing I could do and I could not force this person to be my friend. In fact, had I acted on my impulses I probably would have pushed them further away.

It doesnt really help with your situation, but I wanted to let you know that I can understand where you are coming from and also understand why you have been doing what you have with the emails.

Its very hard when it looks like something you want isnt going to work out, especially when its got emotions attached to it.

Maybe you need to be clear with him. Maybe say whats really going on: that you just want to be friends?

all the girls

Thanks allthegirls for you understanding and support. It is difficult to accept certain things, but we must accept them nonetheless.

This administrator knows that I want to be friends with him. I post on his forums about my feelings for him a lot and I'm sure he reads at least some of them. Sometimes I think that I might be scaring him, but then other people say that I don't have the power to do that.

The truth is, he probably doesn't see me as being that different from all the other posters. He probably doesn't have any issues with me at all. Maybe he doesn't even notice me much.

I think maybe he understands. I explain a lot of things about this in my posts about him. Also, he is a p-doc, so maybe he is used to this sort of thing. He's also been an administrator for a long time, so maybe he's seen it all and isn't freaked out by me.

I hope he isn't freaked out. I don't think he is because I sent him an e-mail asking him if I could help him present his topic at the next American Psychiatric Association meeting in Toronto and he said yes! He wants to set up small groups with people from Psycho-Babble to present their experiences with the support forum.

If he is OK with meeting me in person, then he probably isn't that freaked out. I'm really harmless...maybe a tad obsessed at times, but harmless.

greenleaves, I smiled when you wrote that you are harmless , just a tad obsessive. It made me think of myself!!!!!

all the girls