I am ready to SCREAM

Just don't know where to post this, but I am getting VERY frustrated/angry with my personal care attendant! She is supposed to do the following things for me: help me make meals, help with showering, dressing and other related things,go with me to dr.'s appointment when necessary, do my laundry, clean both my room and bathroom plus clean up my dishes from the meals. She has developed some BAD habits that are just pissing me off! First, off her cleaning style is awful! Unless I specifically state what I want cleaned in the bathroom (ie. cleaning under the stuff on the counter) it just doesn't get done at all! Next is her cell phone habits. One of her more favorite tricks is getting on the cell phone while I am in the shower and keeps on talking even when she is getting me out! This happens on a regular basis. Next on my list, is her use of the computer. It is my parents and she is allowed to use it, but it has been come a problem. Yesterday, she got on a computer game and I had to wait for almost 15 minutes for her to get to a point in the game where she could stop to make me lunch! Her computer habits are also affecting her performance. On Wednesday she has 6 hours to help me with my basic morning routine (shower, dress, etc.), clean my room and do my laundry. She didn't get all my laundry done on Wednesday because she was too busy playing on the computer! I wanted to wear this particular outfit for St. Paddy's Day, but it wasn't dry until Thursday when she got to the wash. Too late for me to choose it as something to wear that day! Top this all off and what REALLY pisses me off is this. Yesterday, I suggested to my Mom that she check out Craigslist for help with the yard work she wanted done. Of course, my PCA HAD to put her two cents into the conversation. She said don't do that because you may get robbed - they basically are all crooks on that list. Yet I know she has been on those internet dating sites and has talked to some men that are REAL crooks! She doesn't give them any personal information or money (she doesn't have any), but yet she still does it! I want/need to talk to my Mom about this - but not today because she is working. I will wait till tomorrow to talk to her about this, but I need some advice as to what to say to my Mom because she likes her very much. Can anybody give me some suggestions? Thank You!

Is getting a different PCA an option?

If not, perhaps you might make a list of your concerns and go over them with the current PCA?

My mother had a PCA for a time. After talking to me about some of her concerns, she made a list and I talked to the PCA. My mother was pleased with the result.

It seems your current PCA needs to be reminded of why she was hired.

If the PCA is there to help you and is not doing her job well, I would give your mother the examples you gave here and/or just tell your mother you do not get along well with her and she is stressing you out. Some people we like and some we do not; sounds like your PCA is not that fond of either her job or you!

My mother was in an assisted living home and needed fuller time care for awhile and my sister got her a regime of aides and one tried to keep the prize in a Bingo game that she was supposed to be helping my mother, the actual resident of the home, play! I think a lot of PCA's are under educated and not paid very well and don't "get it" about either working the job well or trying to help an actual person there in front of them.

I agree with Byz - is there a way to get a different care giver?

I think you should lay out some guidelines. Tell this person they are not allowed on the computer anymore. Also make a list of things you feel aren't getting done appropriately. I would also indicate what may happen if she does not meet these expectations - say you'll complain to the company you're hiring her through (if that's the case), or if you're employing her yourself tell her you may have to find someone else who CAN meet this requirements if she cant pull through.

I hope you can get this situation fixed =)

My PCA would never get away with any of that! You are her employer, if she won't act like an employee (she's acting like she rules you) then fire her. Call the supervisor and ask for someone else.

I have a clipboard for my PCA, with tasks to be done in each room, area of the house. I print it off on a monthly basis... I made it, it's a spread sheet, so I can list what needs to be done weekly, every 2 weeks, once a month or less often. By her having a list for each room, she can't "forget" and by checking it off, I know whether to check and see if she's doing a good job cleaning that area etc... and it keeps my PCA on track with how often.

The only time she can use her phone is on her break...unless it's family emergency. They will definitely take advantage of this...believe me! I think maybe it's friends or family who are taking advantage of the PCA too? she needs to tell them NOT to call...or for her to put her phone on silent and she can check for messages on her break.

If they insist it's the "boss" with information for her next job or something, then tell the boss to leave a message that PCA can pick up on break, OR tell the boss and the PCA that time spent on the phone needs to be replaced by staying later than scheduled. You may need to make note --visably--when you find her on the phone... politely as you can at first (like making the "call me" telephone call signal and shake your head when you find her on the phone.)

It takes strength you won't always have... hopefully you'll not have to go through too many before someone works and cares (mine does )

Also, in case you haven't done this, make sure your PCA doesn't bring in any bag.. unless it's a small purse small... and have her leave it in one spot where it stays. Don;'t allow PCA to take out the trash bag..either.. until you have one you can trust. This is a way they steal stuff.

if she is from an agency i'd contact them to let them know the skippy. her first and only concern is you. i'd print out what you posted for a list of concerns and add any you left out to the list.
i'd suggest you speak with her first with your mom present but the situation i believe has gone beyond repair, justme tho, and if the prob needs addressing that's why she has a superior.
OR
u can speak with her first and hope for the best.
i had help for a family member and never thankfully had this problem. she still stays in touch altho i dont caretake anymore. a delightful, professional person.
when my mom was terminally ill i also contacted an agency. then til i found the 3-8 hr. shifts- i felt were doing their job i requested a change. i was younger and less experienced then but i am so glad i did what i did. my mom deserved good care.

Thank you so very much for the advice! I am sort of looking into getting a new PCA (trying to do it under my Mom's radar). I don't know how my current PCA would take to being talked to about my concerns. I wonder if she would take offense? Please understand that I don't want somebody to be at my beck and call or wait on my hand and foot, but I just want the lady I hired back!

Thank you so very much for the advice and information! I know now why you are listed as a wise elder! I think the list of tasks to be completed is a great idea! I think deep down she cared for me at one point, but I think she is now mad at me in a way. You see at the end of January, I stopped playing cards with her. We did it almost every day (when her work was done). The reason why I stopped was because I have had an unresolved health issue going on. I see me neurologist next Friday because I am having really bad joint pain and fatigue. So I think this is her way of "coping" with my health issues and inability of me to play cards.

I just wanted to thank everyone who responded with all the wonderful advice! I thought I would give you an update. I was able to talk to my Mom tonight and she said she would talk to her on Monday. Monday is the next day she comes in. She thought the idea of the task list was great and I have done a very detailed task list for her. I will let you know what happens on Monday! Thanks!

Good to hear! Putting that frustration to work helps (more than screaming.) Here are more links you might find useful and supportive:

http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=tas...UTF-8&fr=moz35

http://hubpages.com/hub/Personal-Car...ing-and-Firing

I hope everything gets sorted for the best, kbear.

Thank you TheByzantine and JD for the great support and information. I did follow one of the links JD sent to me. It suggested doing a performance evaluation sheet on your PCA. I made one up (performance evaluation) and did a very detailed task list. I showed the first one (task list) last night to my Mom and she said it was a good start. I did a revised one this morning plus the performance evaluation and I have yet had the opportunity to show it to her (she is grocery shopping this morning w/ Dad, one of my sisters and my 9 month old niece).

Good for you, kbear69.

I am sorry to keep posting updates, but I need to because otherwise I might lose what is little is left of my sanity! I showed Mom both the performance evaluation and detailed task list. She HATED the performance evaluation - thought it wasn't necessary (WRONG!) She also HATED the idea of the way that I broke down the task list into daily, weekly/biweekly, every two weeks and as needed. She said she just wanted a list of what needs to be done on a weekly basis (UGH!). I also put the statement below that states "I understand the above tasks and will do them as described." Mom says that is unnecessary, but I said it was needed! I am going to talk with her more tomorrow about this - I think I am in a losing battle - UGH!

I think what you put was necessary/well thought out and said from what you're describing. Keep trying but even if your mother wins out (and mothers often do), at least this is a first step towards making this better.

Hoping this all gets better for you =)

Sounds like you are doing the wise thing even if your Mother doesn't think so. She is actually your PCA & you are the one that knows what you need & expect her to do. It's important that she answer to you & not anyone who isn't receiving her care.

I had a horrible experience with the home care person when my mother was dying of cancer.....won't go into it here.....but stealing was a huge part of the problem & ID theft another....along with a whole long list of other things. Luckily I was able to get her out of the house after only 5 days of terror......glad you haven't gone through anything like that & your problems are limited to not performing the tasks & goofing off when she is being paid to work.

Sorry that you Mother doesn't see the need to be more firm with her & thinks that lesser control will work. All I can say about that is that you could possibly try it your mothers way.....& if it doesn't work.....then you can do the "told you so" thing & go onto what you knew was necessary in the first place.

Hope it all works out well....maybe with her realizing that she has slipped into non-performance it will be enough to jog her back into action as she was when you originally hired her.

Many times people do a great job when first hired to guarantee the person will like them & feel good......then when the get comfortable feeling hits.....they slip into the non-performance mode.

Hoping it all works our well for you soon

Glad to hear you made progress in talking with your mom. All the best of luck on Monday!

Wanted to give all of you who have been watching this thread posting I've done an update before Monday's meeting. I talked with my Mom and at first she said she would do the talking for me and then called me back into the kitchen. She said that she has always run interference for me and that I am an adult (I don't think she has ALWAYS run interference for me). In a basic nutshell, I can do the talking to my PCA about my areas of concern and take the consequences as they come. Of course, it will not be my fault if something negative occurs (ie. her quitting). My Dad (the usually quite one - LOL!) chimed in with a simple fact. I need to start with the positive aspects about her performance before I hit with the areas of concern. About the only thing she is doing well is getting here on time! I will report back tomorrow about what went down when I meet with her during the shift she is scheduled to work. I am planning on doing it after my shower and dressing, so if she does quit then I will be all ready for the day. My Mom has my 9 month - old niece all day tomorrow and it is very hard to get anything done when she is here. If I talked with my PCA before she did my Monday morning routine and she decided to leave - I would be royally screwed! Please keep me in your thoughts - I don't know if I will get much sleep tonight!

Ok sounds good to me. Yes, remember that this is NOT personal... you are an employer and she is an employee. Act as though she hasn't been instructed with your special needs and desires for any employee. Be matter of fact, careful of your tone when you speak, maybe write out the sentences ahead of time and read them as you go down your list.

You can use phrases such as: "I'd really like it if you could ..." if you wish to give an explanation ("that would make my ... easier ") you can, but it's not necessary.

Don't speak down to her, she may be a real keeper in the rough Maybe she hasn't really received any special information from the agency, you know?

You could begin with a list of weekly, and then tell her you'll be adding some items that need to be done as well, less often, and wait until next week to discuss those? That way it won't be too overwhelming...unless there is one particular item you really do need to discuss now.

Keep your perspective. This is not anything against her as a person, but a way to help her improve her work for you.

I think you will find that you will be strong-minded beforehand and then as you try to discuss things, you'll feel more human and maybe even less worthy of what you are asking for... that's when it's important to remember this is just about what you need done for you. You can even tell her you wished you didn't need help, but you do, and you hope she can help you help yourself to as normal a life as possible... or something to that effect.

You'll do fine... and you're learning how to advocate for yourself, so you can improve over time. This won't be your last PCA, I'll bet, and by the time you'll be living on your own and really reliant upon a PCA, you'll have it down pat as to how to be an employer

JD - appreciate your words of encouragement and advice! I tried to post a reply last night, but it didn't show up - I guess I did something wrong! Anyway I read your reply last night and this morning before my PCA showed up. It gave me confidence to go into this convo. with the thought that I CAN do this! It did seem to go well and only time will tell if it will work. She did agree to all the areas that I brought up, so I thought that was important. Thank you all!

I'm SO glad to hear it worked out for the best! Maybe she cares enough about her job to behave herself now!

Well done, kbear69.

Congrats! Good on ya! I'm so proud of you!

Just wanted to give an update because today was cleaning day. Well...let me say all my hard work talking with her on Monday went in one ear and out the other! Bedroom - what a joke! Nothing was done right or at all! I asked her to use the canister vacuum because the upright doesn't work on hard wood. NOT done! I asked her to clean under my bed, behind the recliner and bedside table also NOT done! I did ask her to make sure she got under my desk as well. That was done half-*****! My parents and I have a dog that sheds something awful, so her hair tends to build up on my floor (especially when you don't do it weekly!) I asked that she dust my room. My desk wasn't done - especially under my lap top (which I specifically asked her to do)! My bathroom again done half *****! One corner of the mirror didn't get touched! My sink that I use most often was sort of done. I went to inspect it again and noticed a very large ring right around the drain area (I have a double vanity sink combo.) I am just at my wits end! Please excuse my rantings - just call it from the diary of a mad white woman - LOL! I am asking her to do too much or not telling her the right way to do it? She doesn't want a list detailing her specific tasks out, so I am to the point where I don't know what to do!

Sorry for my laughter... I totally forget the "Agree and ignore" attitude some of them have! Tell her she's fired.

It's very common for some of them to say, Ok, Ok Ok and not have a clue what they agreed to! These are usually those who are faking knowing English, from what I've found. She may not want a list because she wants to do what she wants to do, and/or she can't read English.

It's not you, hon, it's them. There is such incompetence in life today it's unbelievable! Truly unbelievable. I finally have a PCA again... but it's taken years of looking.

Call the agency and ask for someone who understands English?

This is a process.... breathe. You'll be safe enough with what cleaning is done, in the meantime I suspect. But yeah, it's good when it's done right.