If I live through this day

Hi, it's me wise. I quit my job today, cleaned out my laptop from work, can't remember my password so here I am. I quit. Many letters written and I just want my doc to certify that I can work another job, not this one. It's been 16.5 years. I am hurt and anfry but most of all I am relievedd and exhausred, Wish I could give you the jucies. Called unemployment on way back from Doc and learned if there is a midical reason I can't do the job andthe DR. certifies I can do other employment, that I am eligible for unemployment. I wrote a seething resignation and gave them no date, affective today. Cleaned out my stuff and left theirs and here I am. I am very hurt and upset. I wish I could show you the letter I wrote. Anywaym maybe doc will tell me my own password so I can be wise again as beastly is just Beastly. Thanks Eskie for all of the love and thought in your post. Thankyou so much.

WISE I have been wondering on you...I am glad you are here ...as in O...K.......I am praying for you

xoxoxox

{{{{{Wise}}}}

I'm glad to see you as well!!

That's good info you got from the unemployment office!

Hugs,

Can someone please email Doc John again. My brain is not working and I think he told me how to be a wisewoman again instead of a beastly one. I need explicit directions as I really am unable to think clearly. Thanks

Good morning Wise!

I just sent a pm to DocJohn for ya!

{{{{Wise}}}

{{{{{ wisewoman }}}}}

I am relieved for you. At least you don't have to worry about it any more. 16 1/2 years is a long time. You will need to grieve the loss so take time for you right now. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

I care about you.

Petunia

Well Petunia, I have had several brain cells go into early hibernation. I have not been able to get on here, be on here, lost my ebay too. I was so distraught as I was leaving work and cleaning my work Dell laptop which I also used at home, that I lost everything. I wanted nothing of me left behind. I wish I could just scan and send these letters to you folks here to understand what has happened. I am learning how to use a computer again. I am really not functioning on all cylinders. I would forget my clothes if it wern't cold out. My mind is really busy dealing with the trauma at work. The super writing a letter such as she did triggered me into fight or flight, gotta be perfect or else. Well, I can't. I am older, a lot has happened in my life and I just can't do it any longer. It's almost funny but so very sad that my friend's mom called me at work today and they calmly told her I didn't work there anymore. I wonder what the stories are, should be entertaining. I shouldn't worry. I applied unemploy today. So all of you who I had emails and such for have to start over. P.M. me because then I will have the info. I napped for a few hours and have had an easier time getting computer stuff fixed. A whole new world.

I still feel ill. Unemployment will make me have my doc fill something out. Okay, I just don't want my office to fight it. I really wish I could share all of this stuff with you but I don't think I can scan into this forum. Oh well. Life goes on. I have been feeling like an old lady. I have been feeling like it's time for the rocking chair. I am not old, I am tired, I am abused by this job and I have PTSD. So now I am gone. I am really confused and kinda not knowing how to add 2+2 or do the most simple computer tasks. I am so worried about money!

Wise,

I know how difficult it is, going through the feelings you are experiencing. My career was over after 15 years, & being an aerospace firmware engineer was my whole identity other than being a flutist. Unfortunately, with technical jobs, when you are out of the working world for even 6 months, it is almost impossible to go back....things change so fast...I got left in the dust when it went into years of being unemployed.

I do remember one job I got layed off because the Air Force stopped the contract. I had moved into our new home, just had my knee reconstruction surgery, having PT 3 days a week & PT on my own the other days on top of working 70+ hours a week. I must have been going on adreneline not realizing how burned out I really was. I immediately went out looking for a job & had an offer within 2 weeks. When I thought about going back to work, I broke down & couldn't stop crying (now that really wasn't the tough me). I actually turned down the job, telling them I needed a little more time to recover from being exhausted. I told them I would check back when I was ready to go back to work & see if they had anything available then. That really surprised me that I would actually turn down something like that. I did go for unemployment to cover me until I was physically ready to go back to work..thinking it would only be a few weeks. I think it actually turned into 2 months to recover. I know through that time, I just couldn't think either.....like my brain had stopped working when my job stopped. I was wondering what was going on in my mind that was making me feel like that. I had so many fears as the time went & just couldn't feel like going back to work (a brain tumor, the beginnings of altzhimers). Things finally worked out to take a job that would keep me busy until a known project got funded at a previous company I worked at. My brain actually started working again.

If is makes you feel any better, what you are experiencing is normal after pouring yourself into your "career". Don't be surprised at how long the ill feeling may continue.....let yourself feel that way for as long as it goes on......it will pass when you really are ready to go back into the working world when you are no longer exhausted. Your body will let you know when the time is right....& don't worry that it won't. I have learned over the years that my body is pretty good at letting me know what it needs.....& the recovery time that it needs without pushing. The last time when I knew my career was over for good was a very difficult time & ended up going through some horrible mental times with the depression that came from realizing that my identity was completely gone. I couldn't imagine ever finding any other identity since all my schooling was focused on the career, then my career started immediately after graduation for 15 years. I still am working on finding a place for myself after 11 years....but have now not given up like I had for about 10 years after going out from the anxiety & depression.

Don't be hard on yourself now or in the future.......listen to your body telling you that you have gone through so much lately, both emotionally, physically (with the pain), & mentally (trying so hard to hold down your work along with everything else that has been going on in your life. Let the unemployment hold you over until you are ready to go back (when ever that happens). There are ways of making it work even if you actually get job offers that you aren't ready to take yet. Take care of yourself first of all. You have gone & are going through so much.....you need some time for yourself....that is what your body is telling you right now. Relax & try to keep the worring to a minimum as much as possible.

Reading what you are experiencing takes me back to the the feelings that I have gone through myself. I really feel for what you are going through......wish I could help some, but hope that I can maybe say a few words that can comfort you & let you know that what you are going through is normal for those of us who have put so much into our careers. I am glad that I was able to provide you with some comfort in my previous response. If you care to PM me that would be great. I will PM you my email, so if you care to share the letter or anything else for more privacy.

Take care of yourself......you are a wonderful, caring person & I'm sure that all the people who around you IRL know that & will return the caring that you have provided them for so long.

thanks Cebbie and sleeps. I am told by my everloving spouse that all I do lately is talking in my sleep. He can hear and understand words and know that I am very distressed. I quess on Monday when I felt like one of my only cloices was to drive off a cliff somewhere was a good indicator that I had hit a wall. THUMP!. My memory is scaring me. Or lack thereoff. I know it is stress. Hey sleeps, Beastly comes from my friend Jane, she would say;"you must feel absolutely Beastly". Yup my dear Jane, I feel beastly and I wish you were here to smother hug me and that the old house still stood and I could tuck in next to the fire and feel the warmth and safety I never knew until I knew you. I'd watch you hop around doing things and you'd tell me to sitt still and relax. I learned what that word meant in your home.

I will live, Debbie, I feel like I will never work again. It is very complex. A lot of history. And yes I am so tired. Sleeps, Maybe we can both lose our homes and live in a yurt somewhere. I hope you like all of my creatures.

(((((((((((((((((((wisewoman))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear that you've had such trying times lately.

I wondered where you were. I sure hope you can be feeling better and work something better out for yourself soon.

More Hugs~Down

(((((((((((wisewoman)))))))))))),

No, No, No, on the driving off a cliff. Not a good idea.....I tried it once when I was desparate & the wheels of my Jeep got stuck in the dirt just as I got off the road.....lol. There was my car.....how in the world do you explaine how it got into that position?????lol. I dodged to miss a squirrel running across the road.

I am hoping you may be getting more rest (hard to do with pain). Hopefully without having that job to add the massive stress it did, your mind will be able to let go a little more than it did.

Thinking about you,
Debbie

No I have not driven off a cliff. I am sitting in a dark cold room wrapped in blankets and finally able(thanks Doc) to log back on. I didn't want to do anything yesterday but was tired out seeing a friend, a fiscal manager who left way before me. I needed help with forms, forms, forms, money money money.

Anyone know about money? I have a bit in a retirement account that I want to roll over and use as colleteral to get a personal loan at a low interest so I can pay everything off except my mortgage. Anyone know if this is allowable or do I than become subject to penalties and interest and all of that nice stuff? It will get hubby off probation too. Any ideas?

I have not been able to eat. I get bathroom sick when I do. It's like the worst anxiety cramps known to woman kind. Last night I threw up. My own fault as I drank some beer after almost no food for many days. I can eat about 2 banannas a day and that is it.

I don't care what the house looks like, I don't think I own a hair brush anymore, can't find any.

I emailed my program director, the super's super and told her she owed me an apology for the letter she wrote me on he persoanl stationary. I am having trouble with email as I am using a computer where my daughter has had her email configured and also it goes downstairs so I didn't see that she had emailed me right when I hung up from speaking with her on Tues before I wrote my letter and left the building. Her email was just that the 5 hours the night before finally got the job done right.

Being with my friend who is so loyal to the agency was hard, I am loyal too but it made it hard for me to talk about what was happening. As I think more about it I see that My immediate super probably sabotauged me with lies about calling in etc but she will get hers as I am sure there will be an investigation of sorts.The reality of it is the PTSD did me in and they made no accomodations for me in that department. Alas, back but don't know where. Tired, don't want to move a muscle. Peace everyone

I AM SORRY FOLKS BUT I CAN'T REALLY WRITE OR READ ANY OF YOU ALL much. Sorry for the shouting. I have been very unable to eat besides banannas and I just had a bowl of plain rice. It seems it might like to not stay there. Amazing stress is. My back is good. I am very tired and have been sleeping a lot and have actually had feelings of not knowing what is real vs. what is dreamed. I am coasting is all i can say. I am sorry Pat that you are so ill, I m thinking of you, Best wishes for everyone else right now. Peace.