[CedarS]

I'm thinking on safety, in particular my emotional and psychological safety online. Opening this thread for discussion to see what folks think, generate some ideas and inspirations.

So these thoughts of mine are rough draft style, I don't have anything polished yet.

I need to be careful to remember my offline boundaries when I am online. In the past I've acted online as if I am in some sort of dream world where everything is safe and equal. And when I got into troubles, I kept trying to "work things out" with the person I was having difficulties with, rather than knowing to take some time off, re-examine, regain perspective.

Sometimes trying to work things out online can be effective, sometimes not. Sometimes I was simply recreating old unhealthy patterns for myself.

So. Okay. I'm online, reading forums, and say a particular post gets to me. I read it a certain way, I am bothered, upset, mad. After awhile, all this mad bothered upset tends to cluster round the same nicks for me.

I could insist that -they- are the ones to blame. I could fuss with them, engage them, and insist that they change.

But maybe I am misunderstanding their posts and intent. Or maybe they are being mean, but by stepping in front of them and offering myself as a target, I'm not achieving my ultimate goal here. Which is first for me to be safe, while I find support and share support.

If I persist in focus on whatever -blank- is doing, I am losing sight of my purpose here.

Of course if things get way out of hand, and I've checked myself, reviewed things, gotten some distance, and it is still bad, I can talk to admins etc.

The other thing I can do, and really do need to do when I am all triggered by forums, is to take a break. And focus on myself.

So those are some prelim thoughts, discussion welcome.


Sarah

[shadowdancer]

i agree.

sometimes i let myself get really bothered by stuff i see online and don't pay attention to the fact that, just like IRL, i can walk away or choose not to read or take part. sometimes being online seems scarier than RL but sometimes it seems safer...i sort of go back and forth between those two.

i don't like putting someone on ignore so i sometimes have to wait until whatever it is they're saying falls down enough on the forums for me to look around that forum again although usually i just avoid that thread and i'm okay.

the main thing i try to do though, is remember that we're all human with our good and bad days and that we're not all going to be thinking exactly alike so there are bound to be things that upset me...if i try to remember that my feelings are hurt because of the POST and not the POSTER than i generally feel better sooner and am able to still get along with that person.

just my thoughts...i have no clue if i'm on the right track with what you were saying, Sarah, but this is what it made me think of!


shadow

[kimmydawn]

WONDERFUL thread, Sarah!

Also, it's great to step back sometimes, walk away, remind myself that my online safety and emotional health is in MY hands. We have many tools here to aid in our comfort. We can utilize them to the fullest. There are so many tools available to us here! It's really great.

Sometimes it's hard not to get "caught up" and not realize my own power. Just like arguing with daughter. It begins and escalates for a half hour before I stop and think to say, "because I'm your mama and I said so!" It's kind of the same. I have to have the "stop and think" to know that I'm here and don't have to be at this particular moment, or I have the power to move onto something else in an fashion I so choose.

It really is so great to have so much support, understanding, and care at my fingertips and to know that I have the power to make the most of it!

Nice!

KD

[CedarS]

Shadow, I was nodding my head in agreement as I read your post. I've forgotten at times that I can just step away from the monitor. And I also have gone through that push/pull effect, where online seems safer but then I get reminded that it still has to do with communication and with whether I am paying attention and taking good care of myself.

I like your reminder that we are all human, with our good and bad days, and that we don't think alike all the time. Also the strategy of avoiding the thread or if need be the forum, and the difference between the post and the poster.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, all are welcome to do so, it is a topic thrown open for discussion and mutual supprt.

One issue I want to work on for myself is that I think some compulsive stuff gets triggered for me with online communication. Just something for me to be mindful of and I need to make sure at all times that I can step away from the monitor, regain perspective.

Sarah

if you see something that is triggering to you, i t could be triggering to others, whether you are a mod,member or admin i feel it is your duty to inform others of your concerns, if you feel you cant handle the situation share, you are not going to be blamed for something out of your control, i f anything you are going to be supported more, trust your instints sarah and do what you think is right.

[CedarS]

In my hands. I love that. So much of my recovery and healing does have to do with claiming me, my hands, my self, my empowerment.

Yes, I was trained to give it all away, I had it taken away, I even went away in terms of being spaced out for survival, and all that is okay. Now, I'm continuing to claim myself.

Help myself. With guidance and inspiration from others, yet always with my full self engaged and claimed.

[kimmydawn]

Good point, mellors!

If something is amiss and you feel you can, then absolutely tell someone, anyone you trust.

First and foremost...keep self ok. The rest usually goes on.

good point!

kd

[CedarS]

((((((((mellors))))))))

That is another thing I've had to learn, am still learning, that I get to be human, it really is okay, and all my feelings are okay too.

I might need to get away, I might need to let someone know and then get away, I often just might need to take a break and do something else.

I like that the community guidelines here are clearly laid out, that way folks don't have to re-invent the wheel each time.

[(JD)]

I just checked today, I have 11 people on "IGNORE" because the way they post to me always seems to upset me. I'm not here for that... I'm here for my own benefit. (If I can support others on my pathway, that's a bonus!) I also have to refrain from reading all posts, like I used to. I do NOT read two forums here at all... and will never again post in one.

I found that it's OKAY to use the ignore feature, it's ok to not feel like responding to attacks, or entering into a discussion if it's isn't in my best interest.

This is good that you are finding the parameters for your own safety. I commend you!

sarah i like the way you think, it is good to take time and come back with a fresh persective, for that i commend you, the guidelines are just that ,guidelines, a marker from which to work from, in this forum not everyone is within the guidelines all the time, that cant be helped, but knowing there are mods and admin out there who can and do help is a big help to the rest of us

ps, i dont ignore anybody, ever, i am not able to do that, i believe i can overcome the differances between persons, no matter what the situation, even if it means i back down first.

[CedarS]

Mellors, thanks for positive feedback, much appreciated! Yeah, in a way I think of the guidelines as helping provide a safe container, boundaries for our safety and also to define the focus of these forums.

I understand that putting folks on ignore may not work for you, I know that it does for others, sounds like it works well for Sky for instance, and I think that is just fine. Ignore is one of many tools, a strategy, if it works for folks they should use it, you know?

Sometimes I may be able to step up to the plate and defend something, other times I really do best to just let it go. Sometimes if I stay engaged with the divisive problem, I add to the problem.

[CedarS]

I like how you stress the OKAY in this instance, that you know you have a wide array of choices, and that what you choose really is okay.

Something I've struggled with in various parts of my life, the sense that my choices are not okay, that I have to stick to some special rigorous standard. Realizing that I am human and that I get to make choices and have my own feelings has been quite the epiphany for me.

[(JD)]

Yes, when others try and put guilt upon us, it's really our choice whether we accept their guilt trip for us or not. If I choose to ignore someone, or make any other guideline for my own best interest, why should I beckon to their ideas anyway? lol makes no sense! I would be taking advice from the very ppl I had decided don't have my best interest in mind! It isn't easy in general, and it is easy to feel "left out" , but it sure is less stressful, the rest is MY problem to deal with rofl tc

i could have a jade veiw of the ignore funtion, yes i agree that it works for some, especially those who are triggered easily, or someone who is being harrased by another member, for them reasons i agree with it, but to use it because someone says something you dont agree with, even when they prove there point, is not only unfair to that person, but it makes them feel like a victim and less inclined to help any others because of it, in fear of the same responce.

[__zh]

good thread to mull over.

today has been spent thinking about safety...........what is safe for some is not safe for others. everyone needs to look out for their own needs first.

good responses in this thread from members.

these ideas will continue to bounce around for a while before we come up with anything more concrete of our own to add here.

[SeptemberMorn]

ZH, thank you so much for bringing this up to the top! :your_rock:

Sarah, you're so right! There comes a time when we have to take things into our "own hands" when it comes to safety, online or anywhere.

Something I would always tell my kids, after I learned to practice it myself was "Consider the source... then FORGET it!" This was usually when a school mate had given them/me a hard time about something or had made fun of them/me for whatever reason... or when my ex had tried yet again to convince me that *I* was the crazy one! In a public place like the Internet, I find myself doing a lot of that.

Something else that works for me is a line from a song "Things are only as important as *I* want them to be." It's MY choice whether to keep reading posts from an offending poster or not. It's MY choice whether I take in a flame or a dis from someone. The "Ignore" button here on the site doesn't work for me because I can always see the name of the poster and curiosity gets the best of me. However, I DO have an "Ignore" button in my brain. All of us do. If I come across a post that I KNOW can set me off, I leave the option open for myself to either scroll right on past or read and laugh or and keep going. Somehow, leaving that option open is enough to satisfy my curiosity. "I'll read just enough to prove to myself that I don't take this person's posts seriously."

Something else to remember here, on this site, is that we ALL live with some form of mental illness or another. Some present with more acute symptoms than others. If we don't particularly care for a post, then maybe we should find out, if we can, what illness the poster lives with. Most of the time, it's THEIR MENTAL ILLNESS doing the talking. That is part of what we need to "consider" before we REACT.

I don't know why, maybe because of my upbrining where it didn't do me any good to say what was bothering me, or for some other reason, I don't keep secrets about myself. My own attitude is "like it or lump it, I don't care." Maybe it's that rebelious teenager in me, I don't know. So if I put something out there, I pick and choose what I will/can accept... or not. Again, "Consider the source..." Like Sarah pointed out "It's in MY OWN HANDS." MY choice... MY control. MINE!!!!!!!!!! (that came up from my socks!!! LOL)

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I am very easy going I think and goofy or something as nothing really triggers me online..I pretty much find it funny or ignore it without the ignore button....Events and I can trigger me by like feeding my own anxiety offline...now do some folks annoy me yeah ..but not in a trigger kinda way.....I hope this makes sense....I think I may be too silly to let much bother me too deeply or for long from ONLINE

[kerria]

Hi Everybody,

There is no trouble now that i have with anything but i remember a lot of pain with online stuff that people write. It's really hard to open ourselves up to someone in a support forum. It's great to say that we have control over everything we do and read - i'm happy for you.,

At least we can know it's our fault if we get hurt but that doesn't help all that much.

i don't know what the answer might be.

Take care,
kerria

[dexter]

I don't know that there is any "perfect" solution... in fact I am sure that there is not... but I do think that PsychCentrals rules and community work to be one of the best compromises, by far, of all of the help forums I've been a member of (I haven't been on that many, so I'm not dissing ALL other mental health sites... it's just that once I found this one, I stopped looking.)

Controversy, clashing personalities, upheaval is just a part of web society, just as it is IRL, but IRL we have different sorts of filters. We make friends that we meet by sharing similar interests, we become a member of a group of friends usually with not many age differences, similar or compatible religious beliefs, political beliefs... Of course not that is often not the case but we tend to have natural skills to "gravitate" toward people we are generally compatible with. Even when thrown together, such as in the workplace, the nature of "work" will filter people with similar educations, similar talents, etc.

On the web it is a whole different set of rules... we meet each other based on just one criteria... in this case it is others with mental illness. It could be a forum that shares a hobby, or a favorite TV show... whatever. Unlike being in a room, say at a convention or a support group, where you will see a lot of people and "instinct" will draw you to the few you feel you may be comfortable with... on the web it is all sight unseen. No sense of age, gender, no clues for truth vs. dishonesty, etc. In many ways that is what is what is cool about the web... it helps break down stereotypes and expands the types of people we get to know. Ever found an interesting connection with someone online and then discovered they were waaaay younger than you or waaaaay older? Someone you probably wouldn't have approached IRL?

Add to that the fact that the sense of anonymity on the web can offer us a false sense of security, so we may open up faster, bond faster than we would IRL.

And on top of that, there are truly some people who just enjoy being mean on the web... lying to get a response and stir tempers. Things that the normal human ego would prevent people from doing IRL. IMO it is a brand new form of social misbehavior that just grew out of the web.

Website forums have different sets of rules and different styles to help with this. Some are "no holds barred" and people seem to thrive on flame wars. Those are easy for us to stay away from. Many have rules against flamming, but controversy still breaks out from time to time, its just natural. Some ban discussion of certain topics that are simply known to always evolve into controversy and heated tempers and hurt feelings. Religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.

As with IRL, people are responsible for protecting themselves. Limiting what they read, staying out of conversations that they know might hurt them, avoiding forums with a rough-and-tumble attitude. But a mental health site has additional challenges that add another layer of complexity. We are vulnerable, but unlike other sites, we can't say "well if you are vulnerable you'd best not be here" because this is a place of support for vulnerable people. Many of us suffer anxiety and OCD that makes it difficult if not impossible to simply skip over posts we don't wish to read, especially if they pertain to us or are in our threads. My OCD makes it very hard for me to leave a forum without at least skimming EVERY new message... I can't leave until all those bold titles are marked "read". Fortunately I generally don't have any problem being triggered by anything read here. But it does effect me by eating up my time, which is why it is difficult for me to visit here when I am working.

So we have to do the best we can, and that includes a combination of rules, enforcement of rules, general trust mixed with caution, and an understanding that we will all try to be helpful, supportive and understanding to others here.

It will never be perfect, because ANYTHING that you say has potential to be triggering to someone, and sometimes our mental illness, or sometimes even our personal general nature regarding a certain topic, causes really heightened feelings and makes it difficult to balance (it is always about balance) our desire to defend ourselves or our beliefs with the need to protect ourself, which may require stepping back from the issue. And sometimes once something has been read, the damage has simply been done, and we have to do our best to move past it, hopefully with the help and understanding of others here.

I do believe, as I stated above, that PsychCentral has a very very good "base" philosophy in combination with a general population that fits these "ideals" rather well. We respect the fact that we can't discuss certain topics because of the harm it can cause to the overall community. We also try to respect one another while seeking the support we need, that is yet another balance we must strive to find, and I just think that PC gives you a "head start". Sometimes only something very difficult and upsetting is the only solution to maintaining that balance, such as banning a member. The staff must weigh the balance of the potential harm of that member with the hurt and confusion to the community by the act of banning.

Sometime we just have to trust that although things may hurt us here, that the continued support of the community and rules and staff keeps this place at the best balance possible. It helps that I truly believe that by far most of the members here also strive to keep that balance of keeping this a "safe" community while also balancing their own needs. On many other forums it feels like it is the inmates against the wardens... with members always pushing the rules as far as they can for their own selfish purposes or simply to be troublemakers. That rarely happens here I think.

Everyone, do your best to keep yourself safe. That is PRIORITY #1... and find the right balance of trust and caution that works for you. Sometimes trust will be violated and people will be hurt unfortunately... but I believe that as far as trust goes, PsychCentral has much better odds of supporting a trusting environment. You never get any gain without taking a bit of risk, and I hope that for most, it is a little safer and easier to choose that risk, well above the "norm" for internet sites.