safety med

I had to take my "safety" Xanax again today . It makes me feel so guilty. But I know the next time I give into the desire it will be bad. I go for deep and it could get dangerous (not that I care at times).
Anyway, I was just checking in a little, in my drug stupor, and will be heading back to bed. The worst part of this is that I am isolating from my family, but they don't like the cuts either.
Also, I'm not knowing how much more I can resist because it usually grows and grows until I need to do it to get rid of the thoughts.
I'm kind just venting, but needed to get it in writing.
Take care everyone and stay safe and I will try to too.

i know what you mean i wanna cut so bad some days and no matter what if i dont do it nothing will go right nothing will change nothing seems better till i just cut... i try to clear my head and remind my self of the promise i made my girlfriend and the baby we want... so try thinking of something (kids family friends) that would help you pull though...

((((((((((((((( complic8d )))))))))))))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
complic8d said:
I had to take my "safety" Xanax again today . It makes me feel so guilty.

The worst part of this is that I am isolating from my family

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi Complic8d, why does it make you feel guilty? Why are you isolating yourself? Are you working on the issues that are causing the SI?

i don't like taking the meds either... but i do... or i try to remember too before things get to the place of no return... when i tried to explain how i was feeling my t had me look at things a bit differently... i am not sure i am convinced, but have to admit he did make a point... he asked me how i feel now compared to after i cut... he was talking about how i feel sitting in his office... he isn't easy on me when i cut and makes me show him... and wont let me get away with not talking... i hate that and feel really exposed...guilty... which i didn't feel sitting talking to him about taking the xanax...lyn

(((((((JC)))))))))
((((((((Fuzzybear)))))
((((((Sannah))))))) I am trying to work on the causes, but I'm having a hard time getting to them, having an awful time staying present in therapy.
(((((((bchlyn))))))) I have to agree with feeling less guilty about taking the Xanax than cutting. I guess I feel guilty for having to take the Xanax in the first place. Sometimes I feel like if i cut then I could go on with my day, but the Xanax knocks me out so the day is usually shot. But, I know, "everyone" says that the xanax is so much better than cutting.

Thanks for the replies, and take care!

<font color="green"> Have you tried taking a half of a xanax? That is what my doctor has suggested. I take Ativan 0.05 mg and it knocks me on my kiester too. </font>

when i take xanax... i hate the way i feel too
i have been thinking about what my t had me think about last week... how i feel after the xanax as opposed to when i cut... the truth is... if he responded to my taking the xanax the same way he responds to my cutting... i would feel guilty for taking it too... grrrrrrrrrrr tonight is not a good night... sorry...lyn

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bchlyn said:
if he responded to my taking the xanax the same way he responds to my cutting... i would feel guilty for taking it too...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Do you need to talk to him about this? I think how the therapist responds to the SI is very important. No one who SI s needs to feel worse about themselves for it. Lifting people up works much better than pushing them down.

he doesn't push me down... he holds me accountable... and doesn't let me off the hook... right now ... tonight that is all that is keeping me safe... i know if i cut tonight i will have to show him tomorrow

complic8d... how are you tonight?

Thanks for asking! Last night I wasn't on because I was busy with my daughter (her and my inner child!)
Yesterday I think was a really good, positive day although I'm having difficulty remembering what I did.
Monday moring I saw my pdoc and he even suggested hospitalization, that's how unstable I was. I refused and refused any med changes, except to take Xanax at bedtime too because I wasn't sleeping well.
Monday and Tuesday were bad, and then Wed was good for some reason, and I've been doing pretty well lately. Haven't had to take any Xanax during the day this week, and the SI urges decreased a lot. I think I get stronger every time I go through this and come out ok, without having hurt myself. I guess the xanax doesn't leave as much guilt...I'm slowly learning.
Take care and stay safe!

i don't know if this will make sense .... but maybe when we "feel" like we aren't getting any better because we are fighting the urges... or even feeling guilty for following through ... we really are stronger... before we didn't recognize the urges or even try to fight them... we just cut... you know?

good point, bchlyn!
Maybe it means we're making progress! Yes, let's go with that!
Hope you are doing well!

(((((((((((comp)))))))))))))))