This time last year/ this time this year

Struggling right now.....& when I tried to figure out where this post belonged, I couldn't determine if it would be under relationships, grief, psychotherapy, anxiety, or PTSD. How can so much be wrapped up in one person?

With Thanksgiving coming around, it was last year when I had my Mother put into the hospital which was the start of her downhill slide of her cancer spreading......then with her lack of allowing me in on the information....the home care RN came into the picture with all the ID theft & horrible experiences I went through with that. I am fighting with my mind to not go there......but it is a continuous battle. (PTSD, grief, relationship)

My sessions with my psychologist have been going down hill too. It wasn't until after the session yesterday & I was out at the ranch....thinking about how things have been going, that I realized that is seemed like everytime I tried to say something, she was talking about some personal things. I initially thought that I was dumping too much out....& might have been interrupting what she was trying to tell me,,,,,but replaying the tape in my head, I was interrupting the same words. It is very hard to explain what happened, but it wasn't the first time it happened.....only the first time I stopped my thinking long enough to realize what has been happening for some time now. (psychotherapy, relationship).

I decided to call her up but I couldn't get out what was irritating me about what has been going on. All I could say was that I haven't been getting much out of the sessions & wondered if they were necessary anymore? (avoiding conflict? or what). I am sitting here shaking & in tears & feeling really sick to my stomach......wondering where to turn now. We left it that I would not have appointments only when I need them......well I need them just can't seem to get the communication out & when I try, she is talking. I feel so confused right now I don't know where to turn. She was there initially when the PTSD was so bad....but not really worked through either......maybe it is just me that doesn't know after all these years to really deal with therapy. There are times where I really need someone to pull some thing out....my whole life I have kept everything to myself....unless someone asks me a question....then I can answer.

Another problem I am having with therapy & have had for sometime......I do not follow the normal symptoms of a DX......like the anorexia I deal with.....there are soooo many books out there.....that are recommended reading.....wonderful.....I don't relate to them at all. That was the same with when I was in a treatment center.....it was like everyone was talking a foreign language wher it came to relating to them. But that is the story of my life. I have never been able to relate to many people.....my drives, interests, thinking, values.....were always different from everyone else.

My frustration is beyond explaination right now & feel lost....the way I did at the beginning of the year when I was trying to find something that would help. It's kind of a lost feeling that is taking over again.

Debbie

(((((((((((((((((((Debbie)))))))))))))))))

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time right now. I know how difficult it all must be.

I am sorry your having a hard time communicating with your T also. After a lifetime of not sharing and isolating our true feelings, even after therapy, it is still hard to break old habits and really share what is on our mind. I really know how that can be. I frustrate myself because there are times when I wish I could be forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings but my fear prevents me from sharing. I really understand what your saying about this.
I suggest this alot because I find it helpful, at least with me. Have you thought about writing a letter or an email to your T and explaining how your are feeling. I know you spoke of "avoiding conflict". I do this also and that is why writing is a better option for me and thought maybe it would work for you.

I wish there was more I could do to ease your pain right now. All I can do is say that I understand how your feelings. Your not alone.

Huggles,

Jen

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm so sorry that you're still going through all this pain.

I'm with Jen. Can you email your therapist and send her a copy of this post? If not, then print it out and snail mail it to her. It's so sad that she doesn't seem to be in tune with you. Frustrating, I'm sure!

Another thought... when and if you do email her your post, would you be able to tell her what questions to ask you to get you started talking about the things that are hurting you? I know it seems scripted, but maybe she just needs a nudge.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

(((((((((((((((( Debbie ))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are in such pain. I hope you find your way to feeling better soon.

Hugs,

Jan

Thank you Jen, Tomi, & Jan,

Thank you for your understanding. I appreciate your suggestions for writing her about how I am feeling.....There is no email for her....snail mail would go to the office. I know this is my problem about not being good at writing what seems to be going on in my mind. It scares me because even though I know what I think I know.....there is always that doubt that what I am seeing is not what is actually happening. (say what?)

Tomi, your point about giving her questions that could possibly bring out what is going on inside.....is very good....Thinking about it.....I don't know. But it is a good point to bring out to her. Looking more at the technique of asking me questions to bring out what is going on inside of me is exactly what the psychologist I had in the medical hospital did.....maybe that is why I felt I could relate to him better that any of the other psychologists I have had.

Your suggestions are all very good & I appreciate what you have said. It has given me some ideas on what to do even though it may not be exactly what was suggested....I appreciate the input to build on.

Looking at this post, it does seem like it has taken a turn toward the psychotherapy forum. It seems like the questions that are going through my head right now.....should be posted there rather than continuing here.

Debbie

Check in "Psychotherapy."

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eskielover said:
I know this is my problem about not being good at writing what seems to be going on in my mind. It scares me because even though I know what I think I know.....there is always that doubt that what I am seeing is not what is actually happening. (say what?)

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This makes perfect sense......like it came from my own mind.

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