[kimthecatlover]

I wonder why some people with mental illness tend to depend on others to take them shopping or to doctor/therapist appointments EVEN when there is public transportation and they KNOW how to use it when they want to do something fun? Is it because they're comfortable depending on others and are not motivated to do the important stuff on their own?
Yes I have a mental-health staff but I don't have them chauffeuring me everywhere. I'm pretty independent and have fought for my independence. And I'm proud that I do for myself with most things.

[dottie]

I feel that it's part of their mental illness.

[Lexicon78]

I do a little bit of both. I rely on my dad a lot to take me shopping and to the mall and stuff like that. I do this because county transportation will only take me to my appointments. If I did live in an area where public transportation was available to me, I would still depend on my dad because the idea of me doing things on my own scares the living hell out of me and I freeze emotionally and physically at the thought of it. I guess you could say it's all part of my illness. I don't like being this way, but the intense fear that I feel prevents me from doing things on my own.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I am with Dottie on this I don't think it is a lack of motivation, I think its a matter of their illness...I drive and have a car but some folks do NOT and being in pubic may cause them to panic or fear say illness from dirt if they have some forms of OCD and so on...

[mortimer]

Maybe it wasn't your intention, but I feel kind of attacked. If you want a discussion on it, maybe you should take out the part where you are proud to not be like that. There are different kinds of independence, who are you to judge? We all have problems here. I take offense to someone sounding almost like they're judging those who need different assistance they do.

I'm afraid of driving, literally I have panic attacks while trying to drive. I'm afraid of social situations including the bus with the people and germs, and my friends and parents know that if I'm going to leave the house, I can't handle doing it on my own for the most part. It's too difficult.

Some people need different support then others. I don't like burdening them so I rarely leave the house.

[jbug]

I have neighbors that don't have mental illnesses that rely on others to do things for them. I am their chauffer and part time babysitter. I have a mental illness and don't rely on others to do things for me other than manage my money. I do that because if I didn't I'd be bouncing checks left and right. I think others rely on others because its better for their well being.

[Lexicon78]

Yes, I agree that the way you're coming across seems a bit attacking, but I'm sure you did not mean it that way.

[sometimes]

For those who feel attacked, i think what is important in this discussion is not what is right and wrong but the question of what we can do for ourselves and what we need help with. This post brought to mind some of my feelings about depending on my Mum. I feel a bit guilty that she does so much for me. She cooks and lends me money as i don't have a job, does my washing and is also there to support me emotionally. She often drives me places too as i do not drive. Hopefully i will learn to take on more responsibilities as my illness improves. I felt for a while that i was never going to be able to do some of these things, but that might not be so. I think it is ok for those with a mental illness, and even those without an illness to depend apon others. We need others, we cannot do things by ourselves.

[jmo531]

I wanted to post a reply to this thread.

I went through a terrible period of time with my depression, OCD and anxiety that it was physically impossible for me to leave my bed for 2 weeks. After that time, I could only make it to the living room for a long time. I was afraid to leave my house, look out the window, look into the mirror and forget about even driving. I was suffering tremendously both mentally and physically. I was paralized from doing things for myself for a period of time. I had to reply on others around me to help me. That was the first time in my life that I actually allowed myself to depend on others because I had no choice in the matter.

Thankfully, since that time, with therapy and meds, I have been able to do more for myself. I can drive now, although not for a long period of time. I still have trouble going to the grocery store as I panic very easily there so hubby will go with me.

I think that there are people out there that may take advantage of others kindness and perhaps they may depend on others a little too much. However, I personally feel that the bulk of people who suffer from mental illnesses need to depend on others for assistance as they need the help. Each person is different. Each dx is different. The way we heal and learn to deal with what we have to deal with plays a major part in what each individual is able to do for themselves.

I know for me, I longed for the day when I would be able to be more independant and do things for myself. I havent totally gotten to where I want to be but I can say that I am much better then I was last year at this time. Its a slow process.

[January]

You may not realize that people who suffer with anxiety disorders are literally incapable of doing things like being independant all the time. I can drive, but I cannot ride public transportation. Yet I can manage things that some others may not be able to do. There are many types of mental health issues and they have different symptoms. Understanding our differences and supporting each other is what makes us stronger.

January

[Perzephone]

I don't think it has much to do with mental illness - I know a lot of 'perfectly normal' (inasmuch as anyone is 'normal') people who are simply dependent on others. Women who feel they need a man to 'take care of them', men like my husband who depend on others to provide them with food (whether it's a wife, girlfriend, family member or the restaurant industry), grown ups who still can't do laundry... people like myself (I also lack depth perception which makes me feel like I am ensuring the safety of others by NOT driving) who either don't like to drive or fear driving in big cities where tourists do stupid things like back up on the freeway because they missed the exit. Even people who use public transportation are still depending on the city they live in or the agencies they use to provide them with that transportation, no matter what their reasoning is behind it.

Really, in some way, we're all dependent on others. How many people still grow their own food & industrial crops, sew their own clothes, deliver their own mail & packages, build their own homes & factories, build a boat to go across the ocean to communicate w/someone who lives on another continent in person? Humans, as a species & as a society, are always dependent on one another to do things that aren't possible or practical to do ourselves in one way or another. We're not all islands unto ourselves.

I can also completely understand feeling hostile towards or taken advantage of by dependent people. If you are a constant provider, always expected to do things for other people & never receive assistance in return - it starts feeling very unfair. Especially if you seem to others to be super-capable. I constantly feel taken advantage of - I always have to help other people out & never seem to be able to get help in return, or if I do get help it's grudgingly or half-assedly. And some days the only thing I want to say to people who ask for my help is "Why don't you do it yourself?!" But I always remind myself that I can just say "I'm sorry, but I'm very busy right now. Please find someone else to help you out."

[Maven]

As others have said, I don't know if you meant that as an attack or not, but it felt like one. I don't take public transportation for three reasons: 1) My OCD can't handle the dirtiness of it, 2) I've had so many bad experiences with public transportation (including, but not limited to, having the bus doors shut on me, sitting in baby pee, being followed home by a nutjob, being sexually harassed, and being religiously harassed) that I have sworn off public transportation, and 3) there is no public transportation where I am now (except taxis, which I can't afford, anyway).

I see you're listed as being in Absecon. I moved from there about three and a half years ago to another South Jersey town. My current psych is still up that way, and my boyfriend comes home during his lunch hour when I have an appointment, picks me up, takes me there, and I stay there until he picks me up after work.

I don't have a mental health staff chauffeuring me around, either. I rely on my boyfriend, which means I only get out on the weekends (now that marching band season is over--from part of Sept. until Dec., I don't get out on the weekends, plus my boyfriend goes away for about 10 days for Thanksgiving) and for about an hour once a week when we go grocery shopping. Other times are rare.

I'm not lazy, and I don't like being limited, but don't judge me when you don't even know me. We're all happy you're so independent. That isn't possible for everyone. Sometimes we also aren't able to go "do something fun" because we're financially limited.

[bipolar_bear]

I feel myself very fortunate that I can drive, work and enjoy certain social functions. But, I may not be the norm with people who have mental illness. It is unfortunate that some find it too difficult and terrifying to be able to leave their household. But it is not due to lack of ambition or will but a symptom of what illness they have. Please try and not be judgemental as you don't know their whole story and what they have to endure on a daily basis. Some of the people are the bravest I have ever heard about. I am sure you did not realise when you posted and hopefully understand better. Maybe it would help if you researched some of the disorders and how devastating they can be. Please be kind and understanding of others as I am sure it was just an instance on your part of not having all the facts.

my answer to your question as to why do some people with mental illness rely on others rather than themselves is the obvious one....mental illness prevents a lot of people from participating a many activities. and most people don't have a mental care staff to see that whatever they need gets done. i'd like to suggest that you do more research on the illnesses that are mentioned here and take what you learn into consideration. a mental illness is "mental"...there is something going on that prevents the "normal" processing of the world around us. some of us fear germs, some fear cars, some fear buses, some fear men, some fear women, some fear white bread, some fear fear...........pat

[hillbunnyb]

It seems to me that EVERYBODY is doing their best. "Best" changes, moment by moment, even. I'm confused as to why you are so reactive to the concept of asking for and getting help? I had to work for years to even grasp the concept. I'm still not good at it and my life suffers for that lack of ability.
For me asking for help is a sign of healing and taking care of oneself. I applaud the askers, good job y'all, keep taking care!

[Yack]

Right now I have to rely on my mom for almost everything...she drives me everywhere, buys my food, and whatever else I need...

This is because it is too hard for me to leave my house right now. It came to this point over the summer and for the past 3 months...

My answer is, I cannot help it. I hate it. I used to love to drive. It is a result of the PTSD, anxiety, and depression I have.

[(JD)]

What I read from the original is a difference from their normal functioning, once someone is there to help... the "helplessness" they allow ? to absorb them? In that case, imo, it is the illness.

But also I would consider the physical aspects of public transportation. (And also, how once already not feeling well, the increased difficulty of using public transportation. ) Getting onto a bus, riding sideways sometimes, bumpy, etc...not knowing how and when the vehicle moves, changes lanes, turns... and the not being in control (like behind the wheel) aspect... having to hang on to stay in a seat... and the financial aspect... not just the cost of giving money to a stranger for this, but handling the monetary transactions.. whew!

IMO it all adds up... and when, like with depression, even normal day to day stuff is a chore and seems impossible, add the factors from being around unknowns - including strangers - it seems it would be so much nicer to ride in someone's car, with someone you know... and even if you reimburse, the money goes to someone you appreciate (inside?)

However... yes... because of a mental unwellness... some ppl "forget" to be grateful! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

With regards to the difference in when they want to have fun??? that is curious, and imo leans towards learned helplessness? The reward of having some enjoyment might be enough of a motivating factor to get out and do it for themself.. but really...

I'm glad you are able to continue to fight and have your independance... and that at least for now you are not in the position of being unable to do so much for yourself.

Being depressed and unable to function day to day does not preclude having a day when one is able to get out and do for oneself, though... it doesn't mean they are depressed only when they don't want to have fun... but I ramble...

I think your question is a good one... makes everyone think about their own motivations... and how it's observed by outsiders.

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kimthecatlover said:
I wonder why some people with mental illness tend to depend on others to take them shopping or to doctor/therapist appointments EVEN when there is public transportation and they KNOW how to use it when they want to do something fun?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

i have panic attacks every time i ask anyone for help, especially asking strangers and professionals. i feel vulnerable and not safe. for this reason, every doctor visit or counseling appointment is torturous for me.

[NICO]

on and off for about five years i couldnt leave the house on my own, so i was basically a recluse. i went to the shops about once a week tops with my mum and that was bad enough on my own no way.my fear was human beings in general, i thought everone one was plotting against me. i felt like i was some kind of alien (still do sometimes). a couple of months back, not long after i found this place i went out to the shops on my own for the first and it is quite along walk (about 15 mins each way)and i payed for it it was definitly too much too soon got pains in the chest i was sweating felt like i was having a heart attack (bear in mind im in pretty good shape it was purely in the mind)i felt like just collapsing on to the ground. when i finally made it home i felt real bad i went to bed feeling really ill and paranoid thoughts were coming telling me ' i told its horrible out there' etc. a couple of days after that i tried again , but this time just a 5 minute walk around the block. it was bad but luckly the physical symptoms of anxiety were only just creeping in when i made it back home. i could deal with it though i knew my limit so i kept it up each day and it did get easier and easier and i was finally able to take my little brother to school for the first time in a long while. this was cool because it helped my mum out who has really supported me through the years.
i can now walk to town by myself no problems and get the bus for appointments at the hospital. i still have a long way to go though, i still dont know how to deal with the everyday things like money, bills etc. and i really want to get a job.but one thing i know is its best to take things slow when facing your fears, dont be too hard on your self baby steps as my friend calls it. i think we all have fears that may seem irrational to others, but we all know fear and it isnt very nice. facing them feels good though.i also believe there is no such thing as independance. it can be hard to accept, but it is true.

[kimthecatlover]

I don't mean the thread to be an attack on anyone. I'm just curious why some of us with mental illnesses are more independent/motivated than others.

[(JD)]

Ok! Well, each person's disorder affects them personally differently. Then add the other factors of environment, work, physical ability or inability, support system, what medications they are taking, or need... plus, what kind of family did they grow up in, what did they learn with regards to self care and mental attitude? There are plenty of factors that come into play... and sometimes, the disorder is just that "disordered" all by itself!

[kimthecatlover]

Why I am really reluctant to be dependent on anyone as far as getting around is because I've had to deal with Atlantic County disabled/senior transportation and it's not always dependable. And I have a really hard time with my staff taking me places because I fear they are not trusting me about where I go and what I do, what I buy, what I say or don't say when I go to the doctor, psychiatrist, counselor, vocational counselor...I dread that they will try and INFLUENCE those people to 'polish' me so that I 'fit' into society,so that I won't 'stress out',so that others will ACCEPT me..I don't ask for acceptance, what I ask for is people to respect me 'as is'.
And as far as depending on family, I never could. And yes that is hard for me...and why depending on people is harder for me. If I don't have to depend on others, I don't have to be disappointed by others.

[Maven]

I understand how you feel. When I was a teenager (and once as an adult), and my mom would go into the shrink's office (I had several shrinks during my teens and through adulthood) with me, I felt like the shrink sided with her. S/he would automatically believe her. I go by myself now, being an adult, but I wouldn't want someone else there, unless I knew they'd support me.

I didn't use Atlantic County's disabled/senior transportation, so I don't know how they are, but I believe you. I used NJ Transit.

I've depended on family and others and been disappointed, so I'm much more hesitant to do so now. Still, I don't have any other transportation than my boyfriend, so I rely on him. I wish I had a car, but I have no money to get one.

[Peanuts]

I think that sometimes a person feels more beaten down than another would feel under similar circumstances. It is not a conscience decision - some folks have a drier well of hope than others. If that well gets bone dry, then that person needs assistance with getting that well to saturate again. Sometimes life throws so many curve balls and yanks the rug out from under feet so fast and furious that it is difficult if not impossible for some people to notice that the well of hope is drying up. They don't notice until it is too late and the well is dry. That is when a person needs a helping hand to get a drink first. And then they need to learn how to saturate their own well and how to keep watch so that the well doesn't dry up again. And that is not so easy to learn once the curve balls and rug yanks start up again.

Everyone's well level is different. Perhaps what you perceive as someone who is able to motivate and help themselves is a person whose well is almost dry and they have noticed and are taking action. Perhaps what you perceive as a person who does not appear motiviated or who appears to be not trying to help themselves is looking at a dry well and never saw it coming.

Thats how I see it. Maybe this makes some sense for you.

[(JD)]