Something Else I've Learned

Did y'all know that when yer busy splashing love all over each other, some of it ends up spraying me, just cause? What an upper to stumble across this thread this morning... thanks

hehehe Here's a bucketful getting thrown right atcha!!

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How's that? Did get all over you???

Drippin', you silly goose.

hehehehehehehe Don't you just love it??? I love being a silly goose, too! hehehehehehehe

Wow.

(I'd like to add something poetic, flowery and philosophical, but I think "wow" is probably just right.)

Jan

...black and white thinking will get you everytime.

hehehe A "wow" from you, Miss Jan, is like a medal AND a chest to pin it on! LMAO

Hmmm... this post was made as a direct result of my thread in Relationships. If you only knew how many times I've been maybe you wouldn't call what I was doing was black and white thinking, you think?

But, yeah! Black and white thinking gets you every time!

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for the wonderful compliment! It does take a lot to make me say, "Wow." I didn't realize anyone had noticed......

Hugs,

Jan

OH... well it is in General Forum . I was answering something IVE learned. But, now that you mention it, your original posts implied that it's not healthy to have expectations. Going from my point of view that you said often is different from eveyone elses ( and like you said you like that about me?)...

imo it's ok to have expectations. It's part of learning to trust. If someone is devastated because of unrealistic expectations that aren't granted by the universe... that's a therapy issue. It's much easier, for those who have trust issues, to have black and white thinking. It probably feels safer.. "either you're with me or against me" when in reality, life and people aren't so cut and dry.

Good therapy is based on expectations.
Life is based on expectations... it isn't healthy to feel as though you have to do it all yourself, rely only upon yourself.

You expect your scooter to work and carry you, and rely upon it... or you wouldn't even sit on it. Stuff like that....

Whatever boundaries someone needs to have, that's nothing against me and is ok with me. .. but just because it's one of your boundaries doesn't make it right for others, nor even healthy for anyone. It's a generalization that is included in the Cognitive Distortions.

TC

Ok... I'm not exactly sure what it is that you're saying but the one thing that stood out for me was "trust." The trust you have for a person and the trust you have for a machine are WAY TWO different kinds of trust. You can Expect and Trust a new machine or one in good repair much, much more than you can a person. A machine doesn't have hormone of chemical fluxuations, ya know? My scooter isn't voice reactive like people are so that's one less thing to worry about with a machine. Not so people.

If I remembered to plug in my scooter to the electrical outlet last night and I haven't damaged its working parts, you bet I Expect it to move forward when I touch the joy stick. If, however, I ran it out of battery the day before or I forgot to pull the plug before I touch the joy stick and it doesn't move, then it's Human error, not machine error. Humans are not programmable like that, ya know?

When I emailed my DIL with my thoughts about Christmas Day, there was no indicator to tell me she was tired or in a bad mood, or whatever it was that caused her to respond to me with what I perceived as a cool tone and lack of interest. I was basing my Expectations on her mood of last year which was "let's par-tay!" She's a Human with free will and given to emotions. She doesn't have a plug that I can connect to the electrical outlet so that I will get the response I expect or want.

However, that doesn't mean I don't Trust her. I would Trust her with my life if I had to! The time the Christmas meal will be on the table or what gets served is not a matter of life or death.

It's much easier, for those who have trust issues, to have black and white thinking. It probably feels safer.. "either you're with me or against me"

For me, in MY life experiences, there are very, very few instances that "either you're with me or against me" would apply. Again, it would probably be a life or death matter.

it isn't healthy to feel as though you have to do it all yourself, rely only upon yourself.

No, I didn't say that you should rely wholy on yourself. I said you should be PREPARED to be enough to yourself. Using the same example of Christmas dinner; if I had been turned down flat, which was NEVER the case, I should be enough unto myself to see that I have a decent Christmas Day and not go into suicide mode just because my son and I can't spend it together, you see?

but just because it's one of your boundaries doesn't make it right for others, nor even healthy for anyone.

My boundary, in this particular case, was one of being treated with the same respect as David's father and Davie's mother. I HAD BEEN feeling that what I got from them were "leftovers" so to speak. When I got MY turn at the Christmas festivities with them, everybody "over there" was already burned out. It's been that way for years. What was lacking was my son's explanation that getting together with his "family of origin" was NOT an obligation but time for him to "RELAX AND HAVE FUN." It was simply a communication oversight which is perfectly understandable because he is such a busy man.

I Trust what he says because he has apparently always thought of me as "the best." He has been saving "the best for last" since he used to kiss me goodnight.

Sky, thank you very much for giving me the opportunity to further explain myself. The connection between my needing input and the outcome of that input here, on this thread, has been missed by quite a few. It is my fault because I wasn't clear on this thread, just the other one.

Oh, BTW!! I'm well acquainted with the study of "Cognitive Distortions." Studied and practiced them while hospitalized three yrs ago and have changed quite a few of my own "distortions."

"Something [else] I Have Learned" is that telling my youngest son the same thing I told my oldest son wouldn't work. John would interpret it as "she doesn't really care whether we show up or not."