[Beautiful_Pain]

I can tell already I am going to 'break' again at some point. That is not an issue. My question is regarding hospitalization.

If I know I am going to break fairly soon, I will most likely end up in the hospital again.

My issue is this:

Is it a rational thought to want to go back to the hospital, so I can Learn how to deal so that after this time (and hopefully the last time) I won't have to go back to the hospital again? I'm thinking of asking to try a different hospital, as the last one I feel didn't help me anything besides meds. Which is good, for the most part...but not really a long term solution, right? I tried also, to be on 'good behavior' last time. This time when I go back (hopefully to a different hospital) I won't be polite, I will not fight myself so hard to 'be good'...a 'nice patient'. Is that healthy, or should I keep trying to be good, because its more healthy? I'm confused...but really fighting to wait until after xmas to go back to the hospital. Its a big deal with my family, so want to be here for them.

take care of yourself. and be yourself in the hosp. having worked in a psych hospital for a number of years, the "nice" patients don't get very much out of all of the group therapy and such. i always tried to break through their reserve and get them to open up and reveal their true feelings. a good group leader and T will help you with that. good luck, love, pat

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

yes it is rational its helping to take care of you ...much like someone who knows they have heart issues would go to ER if they had problems BEFORE it was very bad...I think this is very healthy thinking

[Beautiful_Pain]

I didn't like the group therapy at the last hospital, you went into a room with a bunch of strangers and were expected to talk about your deepest stuff =O I'm like 'I don't THINK so!'. But yes, I was one of the 'nice, polite, vanilla' patients...the nurses liked me. But I don't think I got alot out of my stay. =/

Thank you for your reply Pat! {{{{pat}}}} =)

[Beautiful_Pain]

Thank you sleeps, I over thought and couldn't tell which way was 'good' anymore...one of my tendancies. Over thinking/over analyzing to the point I forget how I think/feel about something. Which sucks lol

So, if I had a heart attack and wasn't pleased with treatment at one hospital, I would try a different one...that makes alot of sense! Thank you {{{{sleeps}}}} =D

a good T will ease your way into the group. it shouldn't feel like a bunch of strangers. not if it is a good T. the T makes ALL of the difference in the world. i just recently went to a group and after about 20 minutes with the T, i knew he needed a lot more help than i did.

[(JD)]

Sigh, I'm sorry you are in this dilemma! IMO, you are feeling so unsafe with yourself, and that's a tough row to hoe.... If you can, try and think not about GOING to the hospital, but how well you are doing without having to go.. yes, hospitals are not for long term, but only to keep you safe while you plan with your T a long term way to stay safe, and to begin you on meds... it sounds to me like you have both those already...

if you keep intending on becoming worse, and going to the hospital, then you probably will. . . it's not really that you want to..but are programming your mind to... it's ok it if happens, but if you can pull some positive thoughts... that would equally help.

You querie about whether or not you should be nice, and controlled... I can assure you that you will only gain grief if you "misbehave" while in "lock up." Isolation rooms exist for patients who do not control themselves. sigh. Beyond this, maybe you can talk with your T further about WHY you feel you need a safe place to "act out" and not be a nice patient?

Nurses and doctors are there to help keep you safe. Taking anything out on them (anger at life, etc) only slows your personal progress in healing.

I hope you don't have to go... but if you decide to, that it will give you time to stablize on your meds. TC

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

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Beautiful_Pain said:
Thank you sleeps, I over thought and couldn't tell which way was 'good' anymore...one of my tendancies. Over thinking/over analyzing to the point I forget how I think/feel about something. Which sucks lol

So, if I had a heart attack and wasn't pleased with treatment at one hospital, I would try a different one...that makes alot of sense! Thank you {{{{sleeps}}}} =D

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Youre more than welcome and yes you'd go to a better hospital ...also if you even thought you were going to have a heart attack you would go to ER and NOT wait till you did to go....well, thats how it should be

[Beautiful_Pain]

pat, we didn't have a T just the doc that admitted us, whom we had up to 15 mins a day with...the doc who ran the meetings was...I don't know, too clinical, maybe? She talked good, but I don't think she gave a crap, ya know?

yup........i know.... i had to work with several like that. the Ts worked their asses off to compensate for some of the Pdocs that were there so they could drive a Mercedes....sorry...but that's the way we saw it.

do what will take care of you...we're here with you. xoxox pat

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Oh and also IMO you should BE YOURSELF whatever that is say good or showing ..expressiong verbal anger...whatever you really FEEL is what you should tell them because how can they help if you act

BP, be yourself. express your feelings and whatever is fueling your pain. xoxoxo pat

[Beautiful_Pain]

A different perspective, thanks for the reply sky. =) Its not really that I'm thinking of going back...but I get a certain feeling before I break...which is the one I have right now. Most generally I can't control the coming, I just have this as a warning it IS coming. And I wouldn't act out againt anyone but myself. Is this included in what you mean? I haven't even seen an isolation room, outside or inside--but sometimes I think I need one. =/

{{{{sky}}}} thank you for replying

[January]

BP,

I think that is some the of smartest and most rational thinking I've heard. You are definately on the right track. I'm really sorry you are having such a hard time. You have a plan to get better on a long term basis and I think you should follow through.

If I can help, I'm here.

Hugs,

Jan

[Beautiful_Pain]

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Oh and also IMO you should BE YOURSELF whatever that is say good or showing ..expressiong verbal anger...whatever you really FEEL is what you should tell them because how can they help if you act

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BP, be yourself. express your feelings and whatever is fueling your pain. xoxoxo pat

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This was the second and possibly bigger problem...should I be nice or real? I'm not sure I am able to express exactly what I feel and think--deep down...if I haven't been taught the proper way. When I try I cry uncontrollabley or si while telling. I detached in the hospital so I didn't do either, but also wasn't really there. =/

[Beautiful_Pain]

Thank you for replying Jan =) I do want to do this for the long term and I don't think the last hospital will help me in this way if I go back. I want to learn how NOT to deal with things like I do...I know most people don't deal with things this way. I'm just not sure how they do it! lol

{{{{jan}}}} thank you for replying

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I am not sure but my thought is being you is talking or even writing like you do in here IS the real you......and if you get mad saying I wanna do this or that and by NOT doing it but expressing it you will get help on it..IF say you hit someone well yeah you'd catch hell somehow

What are you afraid of doing? If you were just you?

[Beautiful_Pain]

I'm also 'nice' on here =) There is alot I haven't said/shared simply because I don't even know how to put it into intelligble words that wouldn't get censored. =/

[(JD)]

You can always send a "future" post to the mods/admin and ask if it will be ok, or for help in how to express what you want to say that would be "acceptable" for the site. It's hard to want to share and not feel you can...

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

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Beautiful_Pain said:
I'm also 'nice' on here =) There is alot I haven't said/shared simply because I don't even know how to put it into intelligble words that wouldn't get censored. =/

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I have to smile at this cause I think a LOT of us hold back on some things cause yes we would be censored.....thats true all over real life and web stuff.....but I will say to someone I am mad and why and verbalize things...thats what you would be best doing at the hospital..saying how you feel and in there you can say shty and f&**er and so on

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

PM me if you want the worse of you I will NOT rat you out and maybe venting it would help

[Beautiful_Pain]

sometimes I get mad though, and am not completely sure why...so can't really express what I don't understand =/

thank you for that suggestion, pat..I hadn't realized we could do that!

[(JD)]

(fayerody is pat, btw )

[Beautiful_Pain]

thank you {{{{sleeps}}}}}

and just because I just noticed...this is my first thread that went to two pages =O lol

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Lets shoot for 12 pages