Strugling

I am in a position where I just can't express all that is going on in my life. I am dealing with flashbacks & triggers that are causing me to relive everything that happened last year at this same time when my mother was dying of cancer. I feel like I am frozen & not even able to function let alone sit down to the computer & write anything specific about it. I am only able to come out of my shell long enough to take care of my responsibilities at the ranch. My concentration is so poor that I am not even able to work with my horses & practice my dressage riding since it seems to require more thinking than my mind is capable of.

To add to this are the continuous fights with my husband which at least reinforces my decision to get the divorce.

It seems like my mind won't allow me to sleep even with the help of my meds. Nothing is keeping the nightmares away. When I am awake I try hard to work on packing up my house so it will be ready to put it up for sale.

This snowball effect seems to make my llife feel like a continual daily rerun. Living through it is enough & not something I want to dwell on by posting about it. Life feels so complicated & the exhaustion just adds to my lack of apppetite which in turn adds to the exhaustion & lack of ability to concentrate (the vicious circle....or in computer terms, the endless loop).

I feel lucky to have gong back to my previous psychologist. I don't get side tracked talking about my horses & dressage riding & have been able to open up to him much better than before. This is basically the reason I haven't been posting. I am wrapped up in my own world right now. My issues fit under relationships, Drugs, Caregivers, grief, psychotherapy, depression, anxiety, eating issues, & PTSD....where in the world would I start anyway. With all this going on inside of me, I find it difficult to even post meaningfull responses. I pop in once in a while to see what is going on but that is about all I have energy for.

To top this off, animal control was came by & has required us to find places for our dogs. I will be sending some of them down to my Mothers house with my husband for awhile. I found a home for one of my Eskies that I had located before this all came up & it she is very happy being an only child now. A couple of my eskies are going back to their breeders.....& the dog I found that was our neighbors is going back to them. That neighbor was doing some contract work in our house & has several thousand dollars of unfinished work that has already been paid for. I am putting together a list of demands that I am requiring to be finished within 30 days or I will take legal action & giving them to him along with his dog that we haven't found a home for. It was his wife that complained about our lab mix......so guess I am just getting as even as I can for that. As if I needed any more hassles right now.

I hope you all are enjoying this holiday time,
Debbie

Wow, Debbie--that's quite a load you are carrying. I can't imagine how you are doing it, especially if you are fighting with DH (that's Dear Husband...don't get confused ). all the time.

What I'm about to suggest will sound insane, but that's OK, I'm certifiable...Why don't you take a couple of hours a week and go do something that has nothing whatever to do with you or your problems...go be a Big Sister, or go volunteer at your local elementary school. I'm suggesting kid things because kids take you at face value, plus they're a HOOT! Do whatever floats your boat...just go do something else for a while. Don't worry about the issues, they're not going anywhere...but YOU can, and make two people (or more) happy while you are doing it!

DJ

Hi, Debbie....

I agree with DJ, you have a *lot* on your plate right now. Going back to the psychologist who helps with the issues is a wonderful step.

Just wanted to let you know I care {{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}

{{{{{debbie}}}}} Hang tough hun

Oy vey. I agree with the others, find a way to take a break regularly. This is one full plate ya got here.... whew. I've got you on my good vibes list, they're coming your way whether you're posting or not.......

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I've been thinking about you, Hun, and wondering how it was going. I'm so sorry you're still struggling. If you decide to get away, let me know. My door is open to you.

Lots of love being sent your way & I agree w/Davey...sometimes the distraction of helping someone else in need is the best medicine of all.
I'll be thinking of you. grace

I'm sorry you are dealing with so much right now. I know this must be quite hard for you right now. Try to hang in there and try to reward yourself now and then.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Hi Debbie,

I echo everyone else here. I've been reading your posts for quite a while now and I'm sorry that your still stuck in a place you don't want to be in. So many of us are in that kind of situation, for different reasons.

Unhappy relationships are such a big block for us, and it sounds like you have that going on.

On a positive note, many people believe that a time of change only comes when it is ready to happen, and maybe your time will be coming soon.

Good thoughts, M

To add to what everyone else has said, I don't think there are any signs before the actual change either.

What does everybody else think?

Jane

I almost forgot, my favorite analogy is that it is like swimming in pea soup. When the change comes, the pea soup drains out of the pot, and we're sitting on the bottom of the pot, with all those delicious hot dog pieces to nibble on. Does anybody else cut up hot dogs in their pea soup?

Jane

Deb,

A hug may not seem much, but it's well meant. I want you to know I'm here for you. Feel free to pm me if you want.

(((((((((((((((( Deb )))))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan

((((((((((((Deb)))))))))))))))

Was thinking about you recently, wondering how you are.

You are dealing with so so very much. Glad you are with a therapist that is a good fit for you.

Positive vibes and hugs and best wishes sent your way!

(((((((((((((((Deb)))))))))))))

I am sorry your dealing with all of this. Please know that we are here for you.

Hi Debbie. I just wanted to write and let you know I'm so sorry you are going through so much right now. I'm glad that you're back with your psychologist, and hoep that maybe some things can surface there and help you work through this. I have to agree with DJ, as hard as it may be right now, I think it'd help a lot to take a few hours and escape. Go for a long walk? Can you go on a trial ride somewhere with your horse? I also ride, and understand how horrible it must be to not be able to do something you're so passionate about. We'll be thinking about you. Take care.

-Andy

I do enjoy trail riding....however after my horses fall which took me out too (while about 1 1/2 miles from the ranch), I have horrible anxiety attacks everytime he even trips. I thought that a trail ride would help last week & ended up with white knuckles & numb hands from hanging on his face with the reins when we went out with a group of friends from the ranch. I turned back because I couldn't justify hanging on his face that bad. I usually enjoy the change from the arena training because I can use his natural being to try new things & it is really fun.....but after the fall, it has become quite difficult to get myself to go across country.

My stress level that day was so bad that when I came home from the ranch, I passed out while taking a hot shower. What a scarry feeling.....all of a sudden, I was falling & came to after hitting the tub pretty hard. My psychologist told me that it was probably stress that had built up so bad that I just shut down. It happened again the next day when I was walking out to my car. All of a sudden, I was on the garage floor....go figure. I realized that I really needed to get away.

I did get away for New Years & you probably read......SeptemberMorn & her husband opened their door to me along with 2 of my eskies to visit. It was the best New Years I have spent in years....& definitely much better than being in the hospital like I was last year at this time (for 2 months on & off around my Mothers funeral) being treated for anorexia.

I was well rested after the weekend & enjoyed getting to know Tomi & her husband along with 2 of her grandson's & met her son & DIL. What a fantastic time. It was raining (which is a horrible trigger for me) but the warmth & friendship kept the trigger from hitting me until I got home the next day. Luckily, I had an appointment with my psychologist Monday evening. We went over some really difficult issues with everything flooding into my mind right now. I woke up the next morning with the worst anxiety attack I have had in years. I just couldn't get myself out of bed....the heart pounding & tears flooding for hours. I just couldn't function all day & couldn't even get myself out of bed to take care of my responsibilities at the ranch (I know it is bad when I can't even go to the ranch). The fear of that feeling becoming permanent & not being able to fight it off is constant & fighting it off is almost impossible. My psychologist keeps telling me that the feeling will go away......& I was finally able to kick myself in the rear & get out to the ranch on Wednesday......but I stay by myself while I am there & get home as fast as possible. I am so tired of feeling horrible. It is taking it's tole on my weight again......feeling so sick that I just can't seem to get much food down right now....which I know only adds to my feeling even more horrible. Landing in that viscious circle again is scarry.....& fighting it off is so hard. At least this year I have been able to stay out of the hospital.....my weight hasn't gotten dangerously low & I need to fight to keep it from going there.

The tough part is that my psychologist is on a week vacation & unfortunately he will be gone at the year point when my Mother died. He told me he has another psychologist on call for him while he is gone, but talking to someone else isn't that easy for me. I did have a good one when I was in the hospital last year......the hospital had 1 pdoc & 1 psychologist that my GP got to work with me there, but I have a hard time opening up to anyone. I did end up with my pdoc appointment this week too & he knows everything I have been going through.

Then to top all of this, I finally went through all the invoices & checks that I paid to the Contractor that has been fixing up our home so we can sell it. I calculated an overpayment of $2200......& then there is over $2700 of work that has been paid for & is not completed. That is what happens when I let my husband (soon to be ex) be in charge of things when I am not feeling well enough to take charge of things myself.....& he complaines because I am so "controlling". This is what happens when I am not able to control things when I am dealing with my own anxiety/depression/PTSD issues. I can't afford to have any problems because this is what happens when I am not able to take care of things. This contractor is our across the street neighbor & I told him on the phone that I wanted him to arrange a time when we can go over all of the invoices & checks without interruption & I would provide a list of incomplete items. I hate it when people try to sweet talk you by saying that we are friends & that there isn't a problem. He has always had excuses for why the work hasn't been done.....they came to the door & no one answered.....of course, they never called to make an appointment like professionals do.....needless to say.....I am very very vey pissed & know he is going to try to sweet talk his way out of owing us this much money back. Got news...if I have to, I will go to small claims court. I am so tired of getting taken advantage of.

This is all I need on top of everything else I am going through right now.....it is hard to concentrate on anything, so I have every little detail written down.....besides if I have to go to court, I will need all the information anyway.....might as well be completely prepared.

I am so exhausted both physically & mentally even after the wonderful weekend with Tomi.....but at least I can say I had a wonderful relaxing weekend away from all of my hassles....& that is worth more than anything.

Debbie

These daily anxiety attacks are really getting to me. My mind has constant visions of last year running through it & for some reason, I am unable to block them from taking over.

I went to my pain specialist that takes care of my Fentynal for my migraines & I broke down. She told me that it was normal going through this at the year point of my Mother's death, but it just doesn't feel ok. It is beyond the normal feelings that I have ever experienced even when my Father died. I told her about the anxiety attacks & that when I feel like this, I can't get food down because the nausea is so horrible. She checked me over & found some lung congestion & thinks that maybe I may be anemic again since eating has been a problem & I have been passing out too often. Told me to go to my GP.

Daily I wake up with my heart racing & chest pounding like it wants to jump right out of my body. My thoughts are whirling & I can't focus on anything. I pull the covers over my head, but at times, I have to push myself into doing the things that I am responsible for at the ranch like feeding & blanketing 37 horses everyday, I end up walking around the ranch doing what is supposed to be done, but the depersonalization feelings are constantly there. I know when I talked to my psychologist just after our session, he told my to realize that this is not a permanent feeling......but it isn't going away & I don't seem to be strong enought to chase it away.

I talked to the psychologist that is on call for my psychologist who is on a week vacation & her comment was that I am in a crisis situation. She told me that she could schedule an appointment for me at the beginning of the week. But that I should call my pdoc & let him know what is going on too. I didn't want to even hear of the possibility of going to the ER.....they can't really help anyway. The seroquel is doing absolutely nothing to help right now, which brings me back to my normal state where I am the one that has to fix myself & there isn't a med in the world that will make my feelings go away.

I am so tired of feeling this way & know that more weight loss isn't doing my any good either.

As the struggle continues, I get more & more exhausted,
Debbie

((((((((((Debbie))))))))))))

I hear you.

Something that helps me when it is all too much is reminding myself that all the information isn't in yet. I don't know what the future holds. So I need to take the next step, whatever it is, even if I don't think it will help.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Maybe we're ready for that trip to the beach? No kids this time.

Have you been given something specifically for the panic attacks?? If so, why don't they work? I know how exhausting those panic attacks are! Can you delegate some of your chores at the ranch to someone else?? It seems you work so hard!

Call me tomorrow, ok?

(((((((((((((debbie)))))))))))

I am so sorry your going through this. I know what it feels like to awake to complete terror. You are stronger then you think. Just remember that. Breathing excersizes helps me tremendously, perhaps that is something that you could try as well.

I am sending some good calming vibes your way and I hope you feel some relief soon.

Take good care of your self.

Huggles,

Jen

Oh Deb!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you need me, just send a pm. I'm here for you.

(((((((((((((( Deb )))))))))))))))

Hugs and love,

Jan

(((SarahL))), (((Tomi))), (((Jen))), & (((Jan))),

Thank you all for your caring thoughts. I haven't had to talk to my pdoc between visits for quite a while....but had to break down today & call. He is giving me a prescription for Valium to see if that might help.....last time I was on valium I could take it like M&M's & it didn't have any effect on me at all. I am praying that it will work now that I have been away from it for a few years. I am hoping that when the year point of when my Mother died last year is over that I will be able to find some of my control back. The worst part is that I am feeling so sick to my stomach that eating is just not happening & I know it is only making me feel worse.

My self talk is how stupid can I be to allow all these thoughts & feelings to have so much control over my mind & physical part of my body......but for some reason, I just can't seem to control anything right now. I can tell myself that I can get through just 1 more day, but each day that I seem to feel worse makes that self talk difficult to listen to no matter how much I know it is true.

These anxiety attacks are really tough. I do my relaxation techniques & am fine while doing them but as soon as I finish, WHAM. At this point, I feel completely frozen. Taking a step forward seems impossible at this point. Even kicking myself in the rear to make it out to the ranch to see my babies or even ride is impossible & when I do, I end up walking around feeling like I am watching myself & it really isn't me. The dizziness & passing out is a horrible feeling & not feeling safe around my horses is scarry.

Thank you all for your warm support....it really helps a lot to know that others care & that I am not the only one who has felt these feelings.

Debbie

eskie my friend, I am sorry you are having a tough time now. I wish I could help. I will say that the eating thing scares me. My old pediatrician taught me this recipe for hydration. 1 quart water, 1 teaspoon sugar, one teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon salt. Add a little apple juice if you like, in your case I say add 4 tablespoons of lemon juice. Drink it up. Be well my friend.

Glad you called your pdoc.

I like Wisewoman's hydration idea, can you get that going, maybe even if you like post us here when you've gotten something down? We can help you with goals like this.