[eskielover]

As I posted before, I left the hospital AMA because one of the social workers who thinks she knows everything just set off my trigger about what was bothering me was "just hear say". (like the police that I reported the situation to validated that the RN was actually doing what I reported but didn't have enough evidence for the DA to procecute her). Not being listened to is a big trigger for me & having lived through that whole period with no one even supporting me when my Mother was dying of cancer was all part of the problem besides all of what the RN had done.

My psychologist suggested going to an outpatient program which I started going to on Wednesday. It seems to be a fairly supportive group & everyone seems very nice & caring. But I guess, my stress is so bad that on the way home, I guess my mind went somewhere else & I rear ended the car in front of me when we were stopped for a stop light. My little Ford Escort bent his back bumper pretty bad....didn't do anything to my car which I can't imagine happening but.......anyway, we got all the information taken care of. I went on to the freeway to try & make it home to feed the horses at the ranch. About 1/2 hour after the first accident, my mind was somewhere else again, & I rear ended another car. It didn't look like anything except for a few scratches, but guess that by bumping the bumper, it has a way of making the bumper weekened & needs replaced. I am going to insist on getting an estimate from a repair place from my insurance & then the estimate from his place just to justify that it is valid. Hopefully I won't have to go through my insurance since 2 accidents within 1/2 hour isn't something I really want on my record. I don't know what happened. I had even had several cups of "real" coffee. I don't know if I blacked out, or dozed off, or what. I have a horrible feeling on not wanting to leave my home. I am afraid to drive & it seems like everything I touch, I mess up. I have relocated one of my dogs out to the ranch because my trainer was the breeder of the dog & part of the agreement is that she will take the dog back if I can't continue to have it on my own property. He has such a desire to come home with me that he jumps into my car & when I tried to get him out, he bit a huge bite in my finger.

I just want to crawl under my covers & never come out again. I am afraid to do anything & there are so many things that I have to take care of on top of having a new foal due in a couple of weeks. I just can't seem to handle anything anymore & the tears won't go away anymore. I have given up on doing some of the work that I was doing at the ranch because I just don't have any energy for anything. I can't sleep, I have nightmares that just won't go away, & I don't know what to do. There aren't any meds that I can take & am afraid to even try anything because of all the horrible reactions I have experienced.

I just want to give up permanently....& just can't take is anymore......there are just too many issues that have to be delt with & prioritizing is just fine to do but there are so many things that need to be done that even when I work on one thing, it takes over a month just to accomplish one thing on the list.

Triggers hit me & I don't even understand them & no one else will even back off just forcing things to get worse. I am so tired that all I want it to do is end it all. Even with the good thing of looking forward to my new foal just doesn't have any effect on my mind. My mind feels like it is completely out of control & no concept of how to do anything to help.

The only thing I feel like doing is giving up......I just can't take it anymore. I haven't been in this position for many years now & don't know how I got out of the feeling before.....it just kind of got better without my knowing what I did to make it better which sure doesn't this time.

Debbie

[DaveyJones]

Hi, Debbie...

Wow...I really feel bad for you. You've been under SO much stress lately, now all this. I think we reach a point where the stress is so bad, we just shut down, turn off. I know that's my biggest problem, not so much mood, but I'm just not there anymore. It is so frightening to go out or do anything when you feel like this, you're afraid of what might happen. I find myself isolated and so lonely, yet afraid to do anything about it.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I can offer my support and understanding and sympathy. and if you need a ride somewhere, drop me a line--I haven't hit anyone in almost a year now!

DJ

[Lexicon78]

I'm sorry you are going through so much right now. I know it is tough, but I think you can hang in there. I know things are really bad for me right now, too. But my dad said something that may be helpful...I don't know if you're religious or not...but my dad said "the Lord will provide..." I don't know. I'm not one that believes in his god, but I do believe in something. I take it as your god, goddess, or higher power will provide and see you through it.

Hang in there.

Debbie, I am so very sorry that you are having such a hard time now. If I could, I'd come help you with the horses and the dogs. Things are too hectic here now or I'd be there. Hang in there and something will happen to help you out. See if there is a home health care agency or someone who can come out and help you and also find out about someone helping out with the horses. xoxoxo pat

[wisewoman]

Deb, my heart is with you. give me a p.m.

[Azalysa]

{{{{Eskie}}}}

I can empathize with parts of what you're going through.

A week and a half ago I was driving on a four lane road. I was in the right lane. I'm not sure where my head was at, but I heard a loud BLAST on a car horn which jerked me back to the present and found I had drifted into the left lane! Thank God the other car wasn't speeding so he *could* beep. (Makes me shiver what could have happened, but I do believe in God and know He was watching over me.

Next time I was driving (maybe a day or so later), I found myself drifting into another lane - AGAIN!! This time I caught myself doing it - no other cars were around.

Then I ran a red light!!! (Again, thank God no one came through the intersection and this was a busy one.

During this time I had some other weird side effects - the most curious one being that I was "talking backwards" or stuttering, or couldn't think of the word I was looking for or other times using the wrong word for what I meant. (Example: Say at the computer store I would ask "How much is that yarn" instead of "How much is that keyboard." My balance was off too - each time I went to the grocery or Wal*Mart, I would run into someone's cart or knock down a store display...and I was walking slowly and trying to be aware of each step.

A few days later I had an appt. with my T. When I told her the above she called and made an immediate appointment with my pdoc. T. said this now puts me in the category of perhaps harming myself or others. Went to pdoc. He tweaked my meds a bit and told me to hang in there with the meds because it takes awhile for the side-effects to disappear. And he put me on driving restrictions.

I feel like I'm under "house arrest" but I'm sleeping (a LOT) but the garbled speech has gone away.

I know when it's said to me I rarely believe it, but from where I'm sitting, you are remarkable and emotionally strong. I think if I'd gone through the car situation you did, I would have just sat down on the side of the road and cried.

I feel a certain bond with you...maybe both of us being animal lovers. What gets me out of the bed in the morning is tending to my cat's needs.

Please pm me or send a Yahoo msg (address in my profile) if you ever want to talk.

*HUGS*

[January]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Deb )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My dear friend,

I am so sorry you are in such a terrible place right now. Please know all of us care about you and love you.

Are there any meds at all you can take? Any? Can you take Xanax, even in the tinest amounts? I am not familiar with your allergies, but when I was in your shape, the xanax and lamictal, (I take trileptal now.), gave me my life back. Is it at all possible that you can take a combo of it?

I know your love of your animals. You will get up to care for them. Your heart always puts them ahead of you. Is it possible that you can get someone to help you for a while? A social service person or caretaker of some sort? That would ease some of your stress.

I'm sorry about the car accidents. Your mind was just overloaded and was somewhere else. Also, the people in front of you might have stopped too soon.

Please let me know how you are doing. Send me a pm anytime. I'm always here for you.

Love and hugs,

Jan