[Greenleaves]

I almost e-mailed the admin guy again. I was sooo close.

I like the admin guy. I wish we could be friends. All this is in my mind...the admin guy doesn't reply to any of my non-admin e-mails.

I like that I like the admin guy. It's a nice feeling. I don't want to not like him. Is it OK if I like him a lot? Do you think he minds that I like him so much? I guess it's not really him that I like...it's more like I like the admin guy in my mind.

It really doesn't help that he doesn't interact with posters. I think I like him because he doesn't interact with us. It leaves me free to think all sorts of things about him.

I like the admin guy. I wish I could hug him, but I won't. I hope he'll let me shake his hand. I'm going to meet the admin guy in real life in May.

I hope he won't be afraid of me, since I like him. Maybe I won't like him anymore after meeting him in real life. Maybe it will get rid of the fantasy to see what he's really like.

I just hope it won't be weird to meet the admin guy.

[Greenleaves]

I feel like e-mailing the admin guy to tell him that I like him. That's probably a bad idea isn't it?

I'll write, " I like you admin guy". I hope you don't mind that.

I wonder why I like the admin guy? Maybe the admin guy is like a celebrity to me.

I wonder if other people like the admin guy.

[gardenergirl]

You're missed on that site, too.

Take care,

gg

[Greenleaves]

Maybe I should thank the admin guy for changing his ways after my block is over.

Instead of e-mailing him, maybe it's better if I post.

Why am i so attached to the admin guy?

Rhetorical questions...

Admin guy! I'm strange.

I was devastated when I thought the admin guy didn't like me and wanted bad things to happen to me.

The admin guy made it all better when he said he didn't hate me and didn't want me hurt.

I'm so glad the admin guy said that.

[Greenleaves]

((((((((((admin guy)))))))))) + ((((((((posters))))))))) = warm feeling inside

[dottie]

Greenleaves in my opinion..I don't think you should go to the meeting. Take care, dear.

[Greenleaves]

Why not Dottie?

[Greenleaves]

I should try to respond to other people's posts, but I don't feel like I have helpful things to write.

So, I'll just talk to myself. I'm feeling a little lonely and talking (ie. writing) to myself helps.

I'm on level 12 now for that puzzle thing at http://deathball.net/notpron/

I'm stuck, but I'm determined to not give into spoilers.

I feel really fat right now, and I am fat. I should start counting my calories again. That seems to be the only thing that works for me. Yep, that's it, I'll count my calories.

I have an appointment with pdoc1 tomorrow. She's the one who knows me. It's been a long time since I've seen her because she was on maternity leave. I wonder if she'll still remember me? I'm a little scared to see her again. I don't know what to say. What do you think I should say?

[gardenergirl]

I hope your appt. goes well. I know you've been looking forward to seeing her vs. her substitute.

Let us know how it goes.

gg

[Greenleaves]

Thank-you gg

I hope it goes well too.

Golly, I was pathetic...talking to myself in Open...
No one to chat...not even here.

Does anyone else ever chat with themselves?

I'm going on a SlimFast type diet starting tomorrow. Hopefully I will last a while on it. Maybe if I post about it everyday it will work.

Lalalala, my venting thread...my venting thread. Talking to myself again.

[Greenleaves]

I'm lonely...let's see, what else to talk about...

I know, I'll talk about what is on the desk.

There's a green pen, an empty water bottle, a hair scrunchie, a small Spongebob squarepants figure, some green stables, my MP3 player, some ear buds, a textbook, and some papers.

Hmmm...maybe I should write some things down to say to my pdoc tomorrow.

I wonder if she will get pdoc2's information? I don't think pdoc2 had pdoc1's information.

Sigh...I hope she won't think I'm a loser...after all this time and I still have problems...

[Greenleaves]

My pdoc said that I was the first person to see her since her maternity leave. She looked great and was slim.

She got into the "whys" of the things I do and tried to help me understand the situations I get myself into. Pdoc1 is very different from pdoc2. Pdoc2 was only about meds. We talked for 45 mins and discussed meds for maybe 2 mins.

I now understand that when people get angry when I post things about hurting myself, it means that they care about me. She encouraged me to write out my thought processes and then evaluate them for logic.

I like pdoc1. She really understands me. I think she cares about me. She wants me to do well. She made me tell the truth. I'd been keeping some secrets from pdoc2 and everybody, but her probing got me to confess the truth.

She's also keeping me on my current meds. She didn't think less of me for taking them. She thought it was a good idea to try the meds.

I think I'm really going to work at getting better and doing well.

[Greenleaves]

I'm on campus right now and I'm getting hungry, so I'm going home.

Once home I'm going to study animal physiology.

[Greenleaves]

I'm home now. I ran some errands first.

I'm drinking one of those diet shakes right now.

I just got an e-mail back from another counselling place...a non Christian place. Apparently, they have two types of counselling...one for general issues and another for mental health. The general counselling goes by a sliding scale fee. The mental health counselling is free if working with a psychiatrist.

I don't think I should go get counselling right now. Pdoc1 is a great psychotherapist. She can help me. Maybe when I can no longer see her, I can have her refer me to the mental health counselling.

I wonder if I qualify though...do I actually have a diagnosed mental health issue? I wonder what my pdoc writes down? Is borderline personality disorder covered?

[Greenleaves]

Oh wait, I just read that one has to be working with a pdoc to get the mental health counselling service.

I wonder if I will still have a pdoc after I graduate? Do I actually need a pdoc for a long time?

[Greenleaves]

I sort of, kind of feel like e-mailing the admin guy. When I feel like I want to post there I sort of want to e-mail the admin guy.

I'll post here instead. I'm so glad you guys are here for me.

I'm really pleased for you that your meeting with p-doc went well :-)

Really really glad for you. I know you were pretty worried about seeing her again and pretty worried about what her take would be on the medication that p-doc 2 had been prescribing you in her absense.

I think it is great that she had a proper chat to you (rather than wanting to go on and on... about medication).

Do you know when you get to see her again?

Maybe... If you can keep seeing her / talking to her then... Well... Maybe she fairly much is acting as a therapist to you. It is great that you guys get on so well.

:-)

[Greenleaves]

Thanks Alexandra!

Whenever I see her, things are so clear...she makes things sound really clear, logical and straight-forward. I think to myself, why do I think those things? Why do I do things that don't work for me when I know that they won't work for me?

It's like I'm driving with muddy windshields and getting lost and confused and she comes and wipes them clean for me. My flawed thinking is the mud...

I made appointments to see her every 3 weeks but I she told me I should make an earlier one if I need to.

Pdoc1 is more like a T than a doctor. I wonder where she learned so much about therapy?

[Greenleaves]

We're learning about the circulatory system. It's interesting.

My back is all cracky...does anyone know what I'm talking about?

I stretch my back backwards and it cracks. It's weird and satifying at the same time. Sometimes I angle my back so that the back of my chair digs into my back and I lean backwards and make it crack. Geez, that was a lot of backs!

My toes are cracky too. I curl my toes up real tight and they crack. lol...

[Greenleaves]

I just got a return phone call from that Christian counselling place. I decided that I wouldn't need their services right now because my pdoc is a great T. Plus I found this other place that provides free counselling to those who have a pdoc.

Anyways, as I was explaining my situation to the guy who called me back, I almost said "pdoc" instead of psychiatrist and I think I said "T" instead of therapist. LOL I think I'm spending way too much time online. I just hope he knew what I was talking about.

Soon, I'll be saying "lol" everytime I laugh. LOL

[Greenleaves]

Gawd zooks!

I've wasted 2 hours on that notpron game! It's a puzzle game.

I'm on level 12...stuck...pulling hair out...

LOL

I won't cheat...must solve on own...no matter what! Must finish several hundred levels...must climb the mountain, one step at a time...

LOL, just kidding, 138 level...only 8.7% done...

[Greenleaves]

I feel bad that I behaved in ways that made other people uncomfortable and fearful.

Now that I'm not at a certain place, I noticed that certain people feel safer (based on their activities).

What would my pdoc say? Learn from the mistakes...

Simple solution...I don't want to make others uncomfortable so don't do things that make people uncomfortable...

Don't assume that people hate me just because they feel safer now...

I felt a little like e-mailing the admin guy again to ask for his advice in being civil, but what would be the use? He doesn't reply.

Think...he only has X hours in a day and he probably doesn't want to waste it reading e-mails that have nothing to do with the administration of that site.

Think...he probably doesn't hate me...most likely he thinks the way normal people think...what would a typical normal person think? She/he would probably not hate me...she/he would probably think I should get some help with my problems...

Must think logically...

[Greenleaves]

Aaaah! I was just on the phone with Dell support forever!

Gotta calm down.

Been having computer troubles. The tower buzzes very loudly...it's been annoying the hell out of me. I put books on top of the tower and sometimes it helps stop the noise, but it's a hit and miss sort of thing...sometimes working sometimes not.

Dell support got me to change a setting and so far no buzzing yet...let's just see if it stays that way...

Aaaahh! There's also an issue with OutLook Express....so frustrating...

And yet another I failed to mention...

Wasted so much time...I have a test tomorrow, I have to study...feeling frustrated that I wasted so much of my time on this stupid computer!

Calm blue ocean...calm blue ocean...

[Greenleaves]

I'm feeling a little lonely. Sometimes it seems like I don't matter.

I wonder if friendships here are real. I wonder if people really listen.

I wonder if there are people who really don't like me.

I wish I weren't so insecure...

[Greenleaves]

aaah, I'm still frustrated.

It takes a long time for me to get back to feeling normal.

I hate feeling frustrated. Makes me feel like destroying things...

Gotta calm down...

Aaaah, I hate Dell!

OK, enough craziness...

Computer no longer buzzing...

Anyone listening? Feeling lonely...feeling ignored. If you're reading, please say "Hi".