[gardenergirl]

I think your pdoc meant that you need to be an active partner in working on your problems. But certainly you do not have to "fix" this on your own. Everyone deserves help, and there's no shame in it.

Perhaps your pdoc can help you find a T. How about asking her?

gg

there are county mental health services that are free and or on a sliding scale fee and there are crisis centers that are also free that have qualified professionals that deal with this type of situation.

[Greenleaves]

I don't know how to get a T.

[Greenleaves]

I'll ask her gg.

I just don't know where to being to find a T. The student counselling centre told me of one place that is not free but has lower rates. They have a long waiting list I think.

I just don't know if it's worth it...seeing a T.

[LMo]

Google > "mental health services", (name of your town)

[Greenleaves]

Those places are for people with very serious disorders. I don't think they would accept someone like me.

[LMo]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I just don't know if it's worth it...seeing a T.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I will say that it makes me angry that you said that. We have been very supportive of you and have tried to help. You have admitted to being demanding and needing attention. This makes it sound like it's okay to demand OUR free time and attention, but it's not worth the effort and expense to get professional help?

That kind of statement after all you've wrote and all we've replied really makes me not want to be involved any longer. I do want to be supportive to you and any member who visits PC, but only as far as they're willing to help themselves. Sorry.

[gardenergirl]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Greenleaves said:
I'll ask her gg.

I just don't know where to being to find a T. The student counselling centre told me of one place that is not free but has lower rates. They have a long waiting list I think.

I just don't know if it's worth it...seeing a T.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Well, obviously I'm biased, but I think it will be worth it. Your pdoc likely would be able to recommend someone who would be a better fit for you since she knows you. But if not, there are lots of good T's out there.

I know you don't like to talk to your folks about problems, but it might feel like a tremendous relief to get some help and support. Perhaps they would tell you that the expense is not a burden and would be money well-spent if you feel better from it.

Let me know how it goes with your pdoc next week.

Take care,

gg

[Greenleaves]

I didn't ask for anyone's help. I only wanted someone to listen to me.

[LMo]

Good point.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I read all the new posts and I agree with the below...you HAVE to help yourself NOBODY can follow you around in real life not just on message boards for the rest of your life and hold you hand to keep you from harms way..A T can be found you go to college right? you have a mom and dad too get some help a T would give you the attention you seek here and on the other site..But in a better way...I have friends in CND and can ask how you all find free to cheap T's
I know you have looked forward to the trip and we joked and talked about it when you posted months ago on it..yet I agree with Kimmy as far as you ARE stalking this man and if as you said you end up alone you may do something well...something lets say bad..Green what could THAT be? The CN Tower jumping deal was not a joke you say but do you see how that could creep him and others out? I would not go to the party myself knowing someone there could jump or do as you call them bad things..Also whats so wrong with being alone here and there...I bet after a day or fun it might be ok if you LIKED yourself more.
So I came up with a middle ground cause I know you want this party....Go only IF you can go from some day until the party with NO letters to DB and on your own WORK with the PDOC..GET A T....and take any meds as rxed to you...then its like a reward to go for hard work AND others who may want to go might feel better going knowing you are WORKING and DO what you need to DO to be well and be there without acting out..Who would want to go if they had fears of you? I know some who are leery of going in fear of what you might do...If you WORKED ON IT ..I bet they would feel better and YOU would feel good having put your best foot forward..STOP work on you

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
LMo said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I just don't know if it's worth it...seeing a T.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I will say that it makes me angry that you said that. We have been very supportive of you and have tried to help. You have admitted to being demanding and needing attention. This makes it sound like it's okay to demand OUR free time and attention, but it's not worth the effort and expense to get professional help?

That kind of statement after all you've wrote and all we've replied really makes me not want to be involved any longer. I do want to be supportive to you and any member who visits PC, but only as far as they're willing to help themselves. Sorry.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I read all the new posts and I agree with the below...you HAVE to help yourself NOBODY can follow you around in real life not just on message boards for the rest of your life and hold you hand to keep you from harms way..A T can be found you go to college right? you have a mom and dad too get some help a T would give you the attention you seek here and on the other site..But in a better way

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I agree Sleeps, thank-you so much for telling this to me. I do need help don't I? If not just for the attention seeking behaviour, I need help. I'm going to see what I can do tomorrow about getting myself on some waiting lists.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
So I came up with a middle ground cause I know you want this party....Go only IF you can go from some day until the party with NO letters to DB and on your own WORK with the PDOC..GET A T....and take any meds as rxed to you...then its like a reward to go for hard work AND others who may want to go might feel better going knowing you are WORKING and DO what you need to DO to be well and be there without acting out..Who would want to go if they had fears of you? I know some who are leery of going in fear of what you might do...If you WORKED ON IT ..I bet they would feel better and YOU would feel good having put your best foot forward..STOP work on you

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That is a very good plan Sleeps. Do you really think people will be OK with me if I really work on getting help? If so, I will do it, because I really do want to go on the trip. I'll do anything. I will not send any more e-mails to the administrator. (Can I send him admin related stuff?) I'll see about that T thing right away. I'm going to do this.

Sleeps, thank-you so much for getting started on this. You gave me the right motivation with that middle ground thing.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Greenleaves said:
Those places are for people with very serious disorders. I don't think they would accept someone like me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You posted on the CN tower and say youre stalking a administrator, and so much you have said....do you think you are not seriously emotionally ill? Do you think this is normal ..how you act and feel...You just stated above somewhere that you may freak out if alone and do bad things...We see T's you can too..If you can go on a trip you can go to a T...You can also google how to find a T in cnd

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Youre welcome Green and we will all hold you accountable OK..I bet you will be proud of yourself when you go and can show them ALL... YOU ....not... anyone else but all YOU Did TO BE THERE AND BE THERE well...and healthy. Its also like you will feel like you went to a class reunion and look awesome ya know cause you will SHOW not talk but show them....how hard you worked...I like you best when you stand on your own..sometimes I think others enable you and you end up doing less than your best..I am proud of you right now..I see a T ...you can too...

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Green I would have gg or alex write DB on admin issues for you so you do not use it as an excuse...to email him...to be safe I would say no email...its like a small sip of booze for a drunk..you will not do well that way

[Greenleaves]

I found something Sleeps.

Before my pdoc went on maternity leave, I remember she said something about a Christian agency or something that does counselling on a sliding scale. She told me that I don't need to be a Christian to use their services.

I did a Google for counselling in Ottawa and it came up.

http://www.salem.on.ca/directory/agencies/085.html

Maybe I'll give them a call. I wonder if I should try calling now? Probably no one will be there. I should get more information on this. It looks promising...especially their fees.

[wisewoman]

Green, I was quickly checking in and this thread reminded me of when I was 15 in high school and a counselor at school was kind to me, at least more then anyone had been. I had a lot of magical thinking that he could tell when I was thinking about him\, when I needed help, when I had been beaten or worse. Thing is, the guy turned out to be a real A hole. I didn't figure that out till later but at the time He was the first and only person I ever had a real connection with. He didn't even know he was an A hole. I was obsessed. I would see myself being in a stuck car and him coming to my rescue. He was married, I did not have romantic interests, I just wanted to be important to someone. Your posting about the administrator reminds me a lot of my feelings at that time for this guy. It was about wanting to be loved.

i think...

dbt would be terrific for you.

you would learn skills around
-mindfulness meditation (to help you feel more relaxed)
-distress tolerance (when you start to feel really bad)
-emotion regulation (so you learn to soothe yourself)
-interpersonal effectiveness (so you learn to better manage your relationships so you get on better with people and get more of your needs met)

i would ask your p-doc about whether dbt may be a possibility for you. empirically... after one year of treatment most people show a significant improvement in their functioning. empricially... it has been shown to be the most effective form of treatment for the sorts of problems you have.

i really think that would help you out significantly so you are more stable and are better placed to get what you want to get out of life.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Greenleaves said:
I didn't ask for anyone's help. I only wanted someone to listen to me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I will say if you really mean that then thats a good reason to blog...on support sites replies happen and most of it can be helpful ones if you do it

On the calling that clinic....do it..if they are closed you can call back......Doing shows how serious you are

[Greenleaves]

I feel a little strange about trying to find a T...

I feel like people here won't like me if I don't get a T and that is the reason why I want to get a T...so people will like me.

Feeling this makes me want to rebel and not get counselling.

I feel like I want people to accept who I am. I feel upset when people don't want to be my friend unless I change....like there is something so horribily wrong with me that makes me unlovable.

So I'm conflicted. It feel like I'm giving in if I get do what people tell me to. It feels like I have to lose my identity in order for others to like me.

I dunno...starting to get a little upset again.

I just wish...I just wish that people will like me whether or not I decide to get help. I wish people could like me just the way I am.

[Greenleaves]

Am I really a delusional stalker? Am I really that bad?

I only e-mail that administrator once in a while while I am blocked. When I'm not blocked I feel no need to e-mail him.

I admit that I lost control when I e-mailed those threats, but does that really equal stalking?

I know the difference between fantasy and reality. Most of my infatuation is harmless fun in my opinion. I just like to imagine he is someone he is not. I know that the real him is not the same as in my mind.

People who e-mail me on a regular basis and who get to know me are not afraid of me. I think sometimes that I exagerate the bad things that I do...maybe to get attention, I dunno, but I don't think I'm as bad as some people here might think I am.

I don't think I'm a stalker for many reasons, one of which is I never keep my thoughts secret. I tell them to everyone. Perhaps my "obsession" is really an obsession for the attention that results from people thinking that I'm obsessed?

I don't think I'm really obsessed with him. No truly. I think I exagerate things so people will pay attention to me.

[Greenleaves]

I really don't think therapy will help me be the person others want me to be. I do think that DBT might help me. It would be nice to be able to learn to soothe myself etc. The truth is, I'm not sure I really want to change. I want to be less distressed all the time, but I don't want to change my personality. I like who I am. I just don't like getting upset. I would be willing to get help so I won't be as upset all the time, but I don't want to change how I interact with others. I will change that myself, if I want to. I don't want change forced upon me.

[Greenleaves]

I will still inquire about counselling tomorrow. It would be nice to be able to talk to someone about my problems. I don't know if I want the end result to be change though. I want to learn to be less upset when I do get upset, but I don't really want to change who I am.

[gardenergirl]

Greenleaves,
Therapy can't change who you are. What it can do is teach you new ways of coping, help you set goals and accomplish them, help you change behaviors you want to change, help you examine your thinking and see how it affects your feelings, etc.

All of these things are ways of thinking, feeling, and doing. But the you who is greenleaves will always be you.

Don't go into therapy for anyone but yourself. I agree with you that DBT could help you cope when you are feeling upset. I think that's a good insight.

If you go to therapy, it doesn't mean there's anything seriously wrong with you. It just means you want help with something, and you are seeking the guidance and help from someone trained to do that.

Take care,

gg

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

GreenLeaves I don't know what else ANYONE can say to you....Nobody said to change YOU.. But you, like the rest of us...need to get rid of some of the things about yourself you say you do not even like about you...Thats your choice..You have been on a mental health site over a year and claim you do not want to change...then why come to a mental health site? We are all here to work on or change what we don't like about ourselves. Do you think if you stay *just as you are* and mom and dad ask you to move someday .....that you will feel at ease ...with you???? If you even think no...then that means you have room for improvement..
I cannot imagine many will want to post with you if you JUST want attention and not to work on you..... ..I do not care if you change...but as you have posted you stalked the doc and so on I offered some options as did others...
If you went to see a T and said...I do not want to change odds are...they would say ok...goodbye...