I am tired / weary

Sleeps, My heart, my soul, my being is with you. You are my friend.

((((((((((((( Sleeps ))))))))))))))))))

I am here. I care so much.

Hugs,

Jan

Sleeps,

I can sure understand where you are right now. For some reason the psychology program they thought would help me ended up putting me in a whole so deep (lets see 6 ft by whatever they usually dig up). I found myself in the groups being the one that was doing the talking & the crying & becoming so hysterical that I couldn't handle myself. I have realized that all my life I have always asked too many questions that there are NO answers for. I think there are some things in our lives that there will never be any answers for until we are on a different plane of existance.

I remember my parents getting mad at me because they didn't think I was the person they wanted me to be because I asked questions that they couldn't answer..& no one else could answer either.....but then I never thought my parents were smart enough to know the answers. I would exhaust myself asking myself questions that couldn't be answered & I have found that is exactly what is happening now after my Mothers death & the things that happened surrounding her death. I see things so differently than the "church' does....not that I don't see things that way too, but I see so that there is probably so much more that isn't able to be understood in the state I am in. It is scarring me & I think my questions scared the people at the psychology program I went to also.....they never knew what to say when I asked the questions I have going on in my head.....the worst part is that it is exhausting....& I understand your exhaustion. I have been in bed for 2 weeks without getting my head out from under the covers & still feel that way. I am tired of thinking I just wish my head would quit......& the tears would just give me a small break. I am so tired of feeling so different & so tired of not being able to find a place to get my questions answered. Life is so complicated that I feel exactly like you do....even with a foal coming in April....I fear that I will not be able to be the strong person I was with my last foal....& I so want to bond like I did with Izzy. I haven't even been able to be with my horses. My husband has been kind enough to take care of them so I could stay locked up in my room after I kinda got kicked out of the psychology program at the hospital because I physically & mentally couldn't take the stress I ended up going through with it. Like you.....I just want it to all go away......then I am afraid that I am going to depression & anxiety along with PTSD my estate money away & end up with nothing because I am now even able to function anymore.

Life in itself is rather scarry on top of being exhausting......& without a way to figure out how to stop it all....makes it even rougher.

My heart goes out to you & hope that soon you will be able to get through this whole or ditch or whatever it can be called. Unfortunately for me, I see to have come to the conclusion that I have tried all the help that is available & it doesn't work......so in my mind, my conclusion is that I am going to have to be the one that helps myself & right now I am just not strong enough to do it & wonder if I ever will be. This is such a different experience than I had with my fathers death, I can't put my questions away nor my bad feelings about what my Mother did to herself......feeling as though her ignoring what was completely obvious was basically a suicide in its own way even though it could have been just denial. Her life was good & she had a boyfriend from her church who they were planning a trip to Hawaii together (but never getting married). Complicated situations like what I just lived through only bring out more questions in my own mind & they always seem to be questions that no one else seems to ask.....so I wonder why my mind workes the way it does.....causing more exhaustion because I just want my brain to stop thinking.....& like you (even though I have almost successfully ended my life several times)....I can still see why people just END IT except when they are happy with their life like my Mother seemed to be.....why she ended it the way she always swore she never would is beyond my minds capability to understand.

I have been under the covers lately & haven't been able to say much on PC because I have been too wound up in myself to even try to understand others problems, I do hope that you will soon get out of your slump like I hope I will get out of mine.

Thinking of you & sharing your emotions,
Debbie

wow, like i said before i can't believe that there are actually other people out there in the world who actually think and feel in a similar way to myself. I just wish that I could crawl up in bed and not wake up for a very long time. The only thing stopping me is my 2 gorgeous wee girls, and the fact that if i make 1 wrong move the state will take them away from me, probably permanently...due to the severe PND i had after my 2nd girl and the actions i took (which was ODing on sleeping tablets with the ultimate thought of just catching up on the sleep i was missing out on) the state is very closely involved and still has our eldest daughter under their care, although she lives with us. There is so much riding on me staying 'well', at a time when i know things are getting worse and worse. That too is why i am so grateful for the chance to read these posts, and go into the chat rooms and talk with you guys, as it makes me realise that my struggle is not only mine, it affects so many other people too and we all have to find a way to get through each day. For me it is my girls, for you debbie it may be your new foal, but as long as there is 1 goal to achieve each day you can keep going... good luck everyone

Thank you each and everyone who posted..I will TRY to get to them one by one but part of me doesn't think I will have it to do that....so please excuse if thats the case this time... I pray every night I won't wake and when I wake to the same ole shyt..it sucks..I would never leave my pets....so I wait..Its not a mood ....It may be a long long time but when they go..so do I

Irish I see youre new..welcome

{{{{{{{ Sleeps }}}}}}}}

Gem...Pertunia...all of you..thank you

(((((((((((((((( Sleeps ))))))))))))))))

(( fuzzy ))

(( ALL ))

thanks for the welcome

Irish youre welcome

(( Wanttoheal )) thank you
I don't think things are going to get better ...I am not being negative I am looking at the facts in my life and just am holding on yes..for the pets only..Youre very sweet and kind again thank you

(( fuzzybear.....Karen....Sabrina ))) thank you all

Thank you ((Petunia)) I know you know...I just wish I was closer to the end of the line

((( Irishsj ))) thank you and I hope to see you post more cause it sure sounds like we have a lot in common

Sky thank you youre always very supportive

January as always thanks for being here for me

((Debbie)) I know you are going through hell too..I think many do not ask questions because maybe they fear they will open up worse doors to you? I apprecaite your time with me cause I know you are not here much and are having a very hard time of it

sorry i forgot to put the trigger up

(((((((((((((((((Sleeps)))))))))))))))))))

(( Bipolarbear )) thanks you are always so gracious to everyone in the forum...

I am wondering if I should post something but I fear its mega mega triggery

((((((((Sleeps))))))))

Sorry you're having a rough time.

I hope things get better really soon for you.

Thanks Greenleaves I have wondered how you were ...Thank you

Spent with little sleep even on 2 ambein....worry on no heat it got really cold here last night and I have pets to care for...called heat company to BEG for some propane just to get me by...started crying the lady was nice and is gonna talk to her boss but he is out..and I doubt he can help..I try to be nice and play outside with my dog...he gets it in his head it will be fun to bite at me..in play but hard play and tears my slacks and coat....almost knocked me over and it goes on and on..I am gonna go exercise to warm up and cause its good for you

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SleepsWithButterFlies said:
MEGA TRIGGER I think






























I just wish a tornado would kill me and the pets while we sleep or the damn house would blow up and nail us all..I do not fear death at all..I just don't want my furkids left behind

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{{{sleepswithbutterflies}}}

Hi Sleeps,

Sorry it's been such a hard day, between the cold, the lack of propane, and even the puppydog getting carried away and ripping your clothes. I hope something can come through with the propane, so you can get some heat at home...I know that would help. And this is the first official day of spring (!!!) so I'll be hoping this cold weather will pass soon, too. That would be helpful, I know. Thinking of you so much, Sleeps, and sending many hugs your way. (((((Sleeps)))))

Hugs,
ErinBear