[Switch]

I think I'm not doing so good...

I don't think I'm going to get any help any time soon because I can't hurt myself. I'm not aloud. Cutting is scary, and so is not breathing, and if I take pills I might not get found and I don't really want to die right now because later I might regret it. But I know I need help.

I'm not going to do anything, don't worry. I'm not aloud. But I don't like this right now and it hurts and I want it to go away.

I don't have friends. All my friends are gone away because I don't think strait like they do. Time's messed up and doesn't flow right like it does for most people. And I know I'm just depressed right now and it hurts, but I don't want it to hurt anymore.

My life is all gone because Time doesn't flow right and I miss things. I don't see things but I see colors. I look at someone or something and I see colors. Sometimes pictures move but I think my eyes are just messy and I've probably been staring at them too long.

There's people in me that come out sometimes but not so much anymore. I think it would be easier if they came back, because then I could get help, but since taking Seroquel they don't come out anymore. I can't just fade away either. Sometimes I'd fade away and my body would stay behind and keep working and I could just fly away and rest for a bit but I think the Seroquel has tied me to my body. Sometimes others would fill the space I left, but sometimes not.

I think the cigarets want me to kill myself. I know I shouldn't smoke, and I know I'm not addicted because of the way I usually smoke (a week, and then not for a few months) but right now i don't want to stop but every time I do I get really more depressed so I know I should.

I don't think I'm usually crazy. I think I'm actually pretty okay inside. I thought I was a likable person; everyone told me so. I thought I was going to be great. I hope I still will be. Right now I have a road block i need to get past. I want time to flow properly, but I still want to be crazy enough to take a brake, and then come back. I want to be happy again, but not manic. I want to be who I was before everything got messed up. I wonder if I hadn't taken the birth control pills if I would still be crazy, and bipolar. I use to be the star of the show, sometimes literally, but now I can't go outside because I'm scared.

People always ask me what I'm so scared of. I can never answer. Maybe I'm scared of a monster outside my door, but I don't think so. Maybe I'm scared of people, but that would be new. Everything is new. Everything is new and scary and I want help and I want out but I don't know how. I want to be aloud to do what I want again, and not have to wait until my body lets me. I might be tied to it right now but it's still the one in control. My body is depressed, but I'm not. My body doesn't want to be hurt, so I can't do anything that hurts. My body wants to sleep, so I sleep. My body always makes the decisions so my mind is never aloud.

I put the picture up here because I think it is accurate right now. I spend all my time on the computer because PC is the only place people talk to me anymore. I have friends that come over, but when they ask how life is and how I'm doing they don't want to come back. I can't lie to them because their my friends, and if I lied it'd be blatantly obvious it was a lie. I can't go to school anymore, I can't work, I don't do anything but call my parents once or twice a day. I don't want to do anything drastic, because that always gets people hurt, but how do I make things better if no one is paying attention?

Right now I might be insane. Right now I might be crazy, and messed up, and all of the other things people say to people who don't work right anymore, but it's just my body. My body makes the chemicals, my mind is fine. My soul is searching, but it's hard to search when you're caged in a human sized prison.

When I'm really bad no one sees me because I can't leave. I want to talk to someone but there's no one around. Not even the people inside me talk anymore, although I think they're the only ones who are willing to.

I've got another intake appointment next week... I'm going to wait... and wait... and wait... I feel like I'm going to wait forever, not just for this one, but the next one, and the one after that. I always get intake appointments, but never any follow up. Never any real help. Crazy enough not to function, but not quite crazy enough to matter.

By the end of my life, I wonder how many intake appointments I'm going to have. What counts as a lot of intakes? How many intake appointments do you need to see the actual doctor? I want to be free again. I want help, I'm willing to work at it, but I need a hand here and the only hands I've been getting are not the ones who can help me.

I write a lot, but there's a lot going on in me. I'm not going to apologize, but if you've gotten to the end, thank you for reading.

[Open Eyes]

((((Switch))))
Oh honey, I am sorry that you feel so lost right now. I know that it may be a little different on the medication, but perhaps in time it will allow you to be there inside hearing, listening and speaking out for that person who was hurt, not Switch's fault.
When Switch is there to speak out then all of Switch can slowly learn how to finally heal. As Switch begins to speak out slowly there will bring healing, healing to finally settle things from the past, dealt with, morned and finally put in the past. Switch will be cleansing her soul of the bad so that the soul inside, all of Switch will reside within to cherish life a new. Switch will slowly learn that it is going to be ok, Switch will take what truely belongs to Switch as was always meant to be.

The only time that matters, is healing time, lots of time to heal.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[gma45]

Switch, I am so sorry you are not feeling so well right now. You sound like you know what is happening with in yourself which is good, that is half the battle I think. Everyone has an aura around them, maybe that is what you are seeing, which I think is awesome. Sometimes we are given gifts that others don't have and that is great when we finally understand. I don't like it when that loneliness comes over me and it does when I am depressed. I come to PC then I don't feel so bad. I love you cartoon that is sooooo true for me! BIG hugs for you gma45

I am so sorry you are in so much pain switch.Is it an option to be hospitalized,so that you can receive a bit more assessment,and some better appointments?During a hospitalization you would be seen by a doctor.I am very reluctant to even suggest that.But,I hear you saying that it seems as if these appointments that you are able to get are sort of pointless.What is your actual diagnosis?You say you are on seroquel.I am not sure what it is supposed to treat.But,as far as your medications,in the hospital,they can also be evaluated.It sounds like you have people who you were able to spend time with when you were doing a little better.Was it after you started medicine that your behavior changed,and your friends fell away?Sometimes people don't know what to do in these situations.They don't mean to hurt you by pulling away,it's that sometimes they just are unsure how to handle the changes that we go through.It sounds like you have no plans to harm yourself even though you are sad,and I am happy that you have no plans to do that.You do not need to apologize for reaching out.Reaching out is ,by far,a very sane and healthy human action.Because we are organic creatures as humans,sometimes our chemical balances,and function of our minds run into very real issues,and there is no fault in that.You sound very kind,and I am sorry your friends have seemed to pull away.I wouldn't mind hanging out with you.You say that the cigarettes want you to kill yourself.Do you really believe that they do?Or do you feel they are just very addictive?I am very happy to hear that your computer connects you to people that you can talk to and express yourself with.It really helps,doesn't it? I understand that.I think that the best way for you to get on track is to see what it would take to get hospitalized.They'd probably keep you 3 days for evaluation.If you do go,make sure you say how much you want to feel better,even ask them to imagine feeling the way you feel.Appeal to them personally in that way and perhaps they will try harder to assist.whatever you do,can you update us,on how things are going for you?Don't give up.You really sound like a very nice person,experiencing some hard times.Huggs,I hope you feel better.

[Switch]

Thank you guys. I know it's taken me a long time to reply, but I'm still getting my head on strait. I'm doing better now though, I hope.

Open Eyes,

"Switch will slowly learn that it is going to be ok, Switch will take what truly belongs to Switch as was always meant to be." - This means so much to me, thank you. It's really inspiring and I think I'm going to write it on my door somewhere so I see it and it reminds me to keep fighting. My meds are likely going to change again soon, and each new med is like a whole different world. Hopefully the next one will be better and more stable.
I know the others hold memories that I don't have, or at least they say they do. I am curious, but scared as to what the blocked out 6 months in my memory is, and I'm still not sure if I want to find out. I'm going to try and get a bit more fixed first, and then I'll see if I can delve into that unexplored pool in my mind.

gma45,

I'm very aware of what's going on with me, and it makes me know that what I'm experience isn't real. I can talk myself down from a lot of things. Some things I can't, but it definitely helps that I'm aware of what's going on with me.
Sometimes I think what I see is auras, and I know that if I concentrate I can actually see a persons aura, but I also see energy flows. I think that's part of what I see. Sometimes it gets hard to the 'real world' though. I know I have psychic abilities (I'm a decently accurate tarot and rune reader, and I know there's more in me that hasn't been discovered yet) but all of that goes away when I'm not doing good. I'd say it comes back when I'm about 90% stable and healthy. I've talked to a psychic and a few friends who either do tarot, or aura readings or even just are involved in any form of spirituality, and they say that it's obvious it goes away for me when I'm not healthy. I pray better when I'm healthy too, because my connection to God is fuzzy when I'm not healthy.
PC does help the loneliness. I just wish I had more. And I'm glad you like the cartoon.

wolfsong,

I've been diagnosed with bipolar 2, and "we think you might have ADD, and possible a personality or dissociative disorder, and probably other things". My therapist says I have a dissociative disorder, likely DDNOS (dissociative disorder not otherwise specified ), but he can't officially diagnose. Only pdoc's can. It's all up in the air which is frustrating. my BP2 doesn't fit the mold either, but they're positive it's a mood disorder, and that's the closes fit. The Seroquel is for the bipolar, but it's been affecting a few other things too (dissociation most prominently).
I've considered hospitalization, and although I know it would likely help I don't want to have to resort to it. Also I don't think I'm 'severe' enough to be hospitalized. The inability to SI and lack of suicidal intentions or thoughts is mostly why I'm not considered high priority. I do think it would do a lot for me though.
My behavior changes and fluctuates with or without meds, but I also noticed it changes significantly with. I was on Lamotragine (another mood stabilizer for BP) for a few months before they switched me to Seroquel.
My friends leaving me started just before I started Lamotragine, and was the cause of a major "messed up" episode (not entirely depression) and the others started showing up just as I was starting it. I'm not convinced that's why, but it's possible. A lot of it was because I had a depression period for 2 months before, and I stop talking to people when I'm depressed. I warn people I do this, but apparently they couldn't handle this one. Only one of my friends expressed concern with me going on meds, but he's still here so I don't think that's what it was. Most of them insisted that I should start meds!
I don't believe that cigarettes ACTUALLY want me dead (although they're certainly helping, lol) but I think that was me noticing that my mood drops when I smoke. Or at least recently. It never use to. Just one more thing for me to look into though. Cigarettes have never been addictive to me before. I'm a true 'on and off' smoker, and I never get traditional cravings like most smokers. And if I do start 'craving' a cigarette, I usually don't give in. Yay willpower!
"make sure you say how much you want to feel better,even ask them to imagine feeling the way you feel. feel. Appeal to them personally in that way and perhaps they will try harder to assist." - I'm going to try. I have a bad habit of rationalizing everything unless I'm in the moment. You can probably see the difference in my redirect in this post as opposed to the one above. My T is worried about that for me, and he thinks it's part of the reason people don't take me seriously. I think I'm going to print this off and show them next Monday.

All of you,

I want to say I'm really happy, and kinda impressed you took the time to read all of that! Thank you guys so much, it means a lot.
I will update you all of what's going on. Thank you all so much! I'm also really happy that all of you seemed to focus on different parts of my post. It made all your answers really fulfilling and helpful for everything. Thank you all so much for your concern. It makes me feel loved and cared for, and gives me a reason to fight.

It's people like you guys who make PC such a wonderful place.

[RunningEagleRuns]

Good luck.

I understand the rationalizing in the moment thing.

Perhaps keep a journal,if you don't enjoy writing,try to make monitoring how you are feeling/functioning,an easy thing to track on a daily basis.For instance think of all of the things in your emotional/functional realm that you value,and those which cause you significant difficulty.Getting a clear picture of your "inventory" will give you a basis from which to begin addressing the issues that cause you the most significant amount of distress or concern.

I have included some links because I felt that if you printed these off as a reference of what to note in daily monitoring,you could better assist yourself,and gain some concrete mental notes of patterns or issues and their relevance to you or not.This may save you the boring 'journaling' that many undertake .(Boring...or time consuming to some lol) Well,so I looked around and tried to find things where it would reduce the amount of writing commitment ,and things you could print off and utilise for your personal tool box so-to-speak.Awareness brings us out of the dark,and shines a light on hidden things.It's half the battle in seeking mental/emotional health.

Perhaps you would like to view these and see if any strike you as useful.



Mood moniter
http://www.mymoodmonitor.com/User/DiagnosisQues.aspx
Bipolar symptom checklist
http://mysite.verizon.net/res003jh/l...tate/id15.html
Mood regulation symptom rating scale
https://kr.ihc.com/ext/Dcmnt?ncid=51069668
Depression symptom rating scale
https://kr.ihc.com/ext/Dcmnt?ncid=51069664
Re:ADHD assessment scale
http://www.able-differently.org/PDF_...biltParent.pdf
MentalHelp.net
http://www.mentalhelp.net/
On-line journal site…if you dis-like this one type into your browser on-line journal and more will pop up
http://penzu.com/?gclid=CLjC0Y-erq4CFYoZQgodVRODSw

Please try to love you,and treat you as kind as you possibly can.The human experience,as you know,is universally complex,no one is perfect,and give yourself a break on your self-expectations,because you know all things fluctuate.It will improve...highs,...and lows.

[CastlesInTheAir]

Can I just tell you that I think you are a great writer! I can also relate to to the picture. I spend a lot of my time on my lap top. I love my lap top. I shop on my lap top, I socialize on my lap top, if not on my lap top I am on my droid phone because it pretty much does everything my lap top does. I'm comfortable on my lap top.

I hope everything works out for you. From all your posts I have seen you seem like a great intelligent warm down to earth person.

best wishes

Indeed,Switch is an impressive and plugged-in individual.

[Switch]

Hey guys, I had my appointment today and I thought I'd tell you all how it went.

So it was just an hour, and me and him talked and then my mom came in and put her 2 cents in and then he told both of us what he thought - pretty average.

Me and him mostly talked about my mood disorder. He agreed with the dx of BP2. We also talked about how I was doing on meds, and he switched me from Seroquel to Lithium, with an emergency batch of Lorazepam (.5 mg tablets, 2 a day max) for anxiety. He said he wants to focus on one issue at a time.

He said for now he's going to get me into a 12-16 week bp program that helps with life skills and coping strategies, as well as 6-8 appointments with a social worker, and bi-weekly appointments with him. AS WELL, he's going to try and get me into a 4 week monday-friday inpatient program for mood disorders, but that'll take a few weeks to go through. Oh, and 30 min of exercise a day, at least.

My thoughts on it, it's good. I'm worried as hell about the Lithium, but I'm going to bring that up separately in a different topic. I'm hoping I have found some of the help I really need to make progress with myself. I'm excited and want to start now because I really want to get better, but am telling myself be patient. My mom is also happy, and my sister is glad that I'm getting treatment. Not all my friends are though, which is mostly where the worry about Lithium comes from.

I'm a bit disappointed that they're only focusing on the BP, while there's clearly other things involved in this. However, he is a BP specialist, and I trust that he knows what he's doing. Maybe in inpatient other people will notice the other things in me... maybe. Or maybe the social worker. Idk. I have hope though.

I'm upset a bit because I had to say goodbye to my T. We knew it was coming but I'm still upset. He's keeping my file open and I can call at any point, but I don't really have the $$, and with the new treatments starting I'm going to be well looked after.

Still holding in there. I'm in a depression right now, but I was worse earlier in the week. Hope you all are doing well too.

[CastlesInTheAir]

Awwww I hope everything works out for you! It sounds like you have a lot going on in your head a lot going on treatment wise. I wish you the best of luck keep us updated on how you are feeling. Xoxoxo

-Trish
"Don't curse the rain, without it things don't grow. Instead find the beauty in it."