[desirae]

My babies!!, well at least one of them has been crying for an hour straight this morning, he won't shut up! I have no idea what his problem is. I'm so burned out.

I'm a failure when it comes to being a mother. I'm ignoring them and have been for a few days. They are clinging to me right now. I don't want them near me.

I hate who I have become.

I'm a huge failure, and they deserve a better mother.

I'm losing it, I'm becoming my mother, uncaring, selfish, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....he won't stop screaming!

I have to go!, I don't know what to do anymore. I need to smoke before I flip out. I can't handle this anymore, I can't handle this anymore, I can't handle this anymore.....the screaming will never stop!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since we've lived here in this hell hole they have not slept right, and all they do is scream and cry. I hate this place, I hate this place!!....



What can I do?

I need help with them, I'm sick of doing it all my myself!

[praxis]

You are not a failure. Every mother has selfish feelings and that's a good thing. If you take care of your own needs you have more in your emotional reserves for others. If you really feel yu are about to lose it you need to take a little break. Make sure the children are safe and can't hurt themselves/each other, then go in another room and take a few minutes to calm yourself. My 2 youngest children are only 14 months apart. I remember those feelings well.

Hang in there, hun! I've felt the same way...
Just by writing this post you're showing that you really love your kids. You're a mother not a superwoman!
I will PM you also...

(((((((((for you and your kids))))))))

[desirae]

Praxis,

Yes, my babies are 13 months apart, my son just turned two, and my daughter will be one next month.

It is very frustrating right now. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have been in this house for days, and I never ever get a break.

My number one fear is becoming my mother and I see it everyday. I hate that feeling.

They have calmed down now, but they are tearing into a pack of crackers and throwing them on the floor.....shoot, brb.

Okay. I got them, they were eating them.

I love them more then anything, yet I regret bringing them into this earth in the position I am in my life. I always wanted better for myself and my children. Instead they have what I had as a child. That's what makes me feel like a failure.

I wish I could just have a break, one full day to go have fun, be a kid again. Just one day is all I ask for.

I'm 20, I had my first baby at 18 the second at 19. I feel as though I'm losing a little bit of my youth. I really have lost it, and I will never get it back. That I can accept, but it's hard feeling 40, when I'm actually 20. I forgot what it is like being a kid.

I think I will get better, or worse, I'm not all that sure. All I've ever wanted since the first moment I found out I was pregnant with my first baby was to offer them a loving happy life. I did for awhile, but now I am cold.

Something happened to me, and I can't figure out what.

He just smiled at me, for taking a big bite of his cracker, and acting like cookie monster. I bet their confused by my constant emotional changes.

Well anyway, I am going to shut up now.

Thank you all for listening and not judging me.

[praxis]

Wow, you really do have your hands full! The fact that you are aware and know what kind of mother you want to be will go long way towards preventing you from becoming your mother. The single most important thing a parent can give a child is love. They know you love them even if you are detached at times.
You really do need a break, though. A night out, or lunch with a friend can be rejuvinating. Is there someone you can trade babysitting with? A play group? Most community colleges have a child care subsidy program for students who are parents. An art or music class might be just the thing you need.
Hang in there.

[SeptemberMorn]

Desirae, I'm so sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed! I remember those days. I was also a very young mother.

Wish I could come give you a break. I love babies!!

You haven't totally lost your youth. There will come a time when you can recapture it. I did. But for now, you need a break to "recharge your batteries." See if your County agency doesn't have a program that provides relief to young, single mothers like you by providing child care, either in your home or at their facility. In my County, Child Protective Services provides this service.

Good luck, Sweety!

[kimmydawn]

Desirae, it sounds like you did great. You do have your hands full with not enough breaks.

Is there anyway that you can hire a babysitter for one day per week, or set something up with someone in your family so that you have something to look forward to on the stressful days to get you through?

If you don't have the funds, you can contact social services and they can help arrange something.

It sounds like you do a great job, and would do even better if you had an escape from time to time.

kd

[desirae]

Yes, I think a break is the exact thing I need for this problem. I haven't had a real break since they were born, just when I go to classes, that's it.

I don't have anybody that is trustworthy to babysit for me accept daddy. He's getting his two week vacation soon, and that will be when I get my break, and I'm going to go all out and have me some fun. Just one day and I will be happy.

Then daddy can take them somewhere like Chuck E Cheese or something......lol, I'd love to see him take them somewhere by himself, that would be a sight I'd never forget. Then maybe he would realize how difficult it is to take them both somewhere.

Thanks all for replying and for the advice. Of course I feel like a dummy for being upset, they're being little angels now that daddy's home.

I love them sooo much, and I know because their so young that their unable to understand my need for a break. So I have to try to hold the frustration in, till I'm alone, or write it down in a journal or something. It's not their fault their fireballs full of crazy energy.....lol.

I'm so relieved many moms out there understand. Just like when they escaped, I thought the neighbor lady who found them would tell me off for being so neglectful, but instead she was very understanding. Mom's are wonderful, they make the world go round. Men usually signify strength, no offense to men, but I think women are much stronger in other ways.

Thanks so much, I'm much better now.........I'm so glad I have all of you.

[Lexicon78]

(((((desirae)))))

I think a lot of mothers with children so close in age struggle with this. They are also in a new environment, too, which will take some getting used to.

Don't lose hope. If you do need help, I'm sure there are services in the community that can help out.

[LittleMilly]

(((((((((((DESIRAE))))))))))
OMG you are not a failure
you have helped me countless of times... i think your awesome and having to put up with 2 kids is amazing... i cant even put up with myself.
Anyway
ttyl

Milly

p.s ill email you later

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I will try to look it up later but I think there is a place thats free like an agency that will send a mom out to watch your kids for you so you dont get to the point of flipping out..I cannot recall the name..and these people ARE safe to deal with

Hugs

[EJ711]

Desirae -

Being a mother is the hardest job in the world.

You can't always be the perfect mother. I am sure you are not becoming your mother. It's probably just one of your deep-seated fears, because of what you went through.

Some churches offer mother's day out programs. I think they provide daycare, and allow the mothers to socialize with each other. Bigger churches are more likely to have something like this. I forget the size of the town or city in which you live.

Please feel free to PM me anytime.

Hope this note finds you feeling better.

Hugs and love,

EJ

[EJ711]

Hi Desirae -

One more thought. Do you have a rocking chair? Sometimes rocking children calms them.

[wisewoman]

Des, hold onto what you know. Your instincts tell you more then you think. I too wish I could be there to give you a break. Babies are fun to explore with. If all you can do is assure their safety and walk away before your temper flares then you have succeeded. I see your heart trying to give these little ones that which you never got.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Check out churches like EJ suggested and also go here and ask look etc..for LOCAL help SEE what they can do for you

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