[lenjan]

OK you guys, I am soliciting opinions.

Since I've been sick and out of work since December, I'm beginning the process of (probably) moving to my sister's in MN. She lives right by the Mayo Clinic, so I could get my outpatient care there (and inpatient, if, God forbid, anything goes wrong once I go off the meds I'm on). I could work part-time and save some money without having to worry about rent and utilities and all that stuff.

BUT.

My former employer has always said they would take me back when I'm ready. There's an opening at the moment at one of the suburban papers they publish. It would be new territory for me, since they hired somebody to take over my old job, not knowing when I would be coming back, but it's a reporting job, and that's all I want.

BUT. I'm only cleared to work 20 hours a week right now. I told them I could do 25-30 in the hopes that they would say OK and I could stay here. Personally, I think 30 would reeeeeeeeally be pushing it, but I'm willing to give it a try.

So, I'm trying to decide which way I'm better off, going to Minnesota or staying here and working part-time. Here is what I've come up with so far:

-- Can I live on 25-30 hours/wk pay?
30, probably, but it would be tight.

-- What about wear and tear on the car?
Menomonee Falls is 20 miles from the office and 25 miles from where I live. Gas would probably still eat me alive.

-- What happens if I push myself too far and get sick again?
I'm straight back to square one -- no job security, no insurance.

-- Is it worth it to stay here and have to scramble for money all
the time, or better to cut out some bills and save some money?
I could always move to a cheaper place (although they might be tough
to find, this place is pretty cheap), get a roommate (ugh).

-- Why am I so desperate to stay here?
Frankly, with my T leaving, I don't care so much anymore. I'd be
coming back once a month to see my shrink, anyway, and spending the
night with friends.

In the present, I would love to stay here, but thinking about the
future, I have no idea what's better. Anybody want to jump in and help me clear my head?

Sigh......

Candy

[Raynaadi]

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd want to be where I'd be taken care of. Sounds like living with your sister would ease a lot of stress and you could take care of yourself better than if you were trying to support yourself. The doctors said 20 hours for a reason....they know best. I would stick to the 20 hours since your sister is willing to help! I would only go against what the docs say if it's a desperate situation. Family is there for a reason too. If it were me, I'd accept the help and take it easy!

[wi_fighter]

Well, hmmm, how about this for a question:

Is it better to stick with the stress you know or the stress you don't know?

You won't have as many bills at your sister's, but you also might not have much privacy and time to yourself when you really need it. Are they going to be receptive and understanding of your moods from day to day? Are they going to expect more from you in household responsibilities than you're presently able to live up to?

Is there any way you could car pool or cut your travel expenses? Is it possible to telecommute part or all of the time? Can you work in split shifts and have a rest area set up in the office somewhere. Will your boss be willing to let you work around your day-to-day symptoms? Work a little more on the days you're up to it, and less on the days you aren't, as long as you put in the required hours each pay period?

[lenjan]

Rayna, you have a point. I'm very tired of having to scramble for everything, and it would be nice to have somebody else around to take some of the heat off.

Wi, you have a point too! LOL They let me telecommute 2 days a week last time, so I'm sure that wouldn't be a problem. My hours are my own to set -- reporting is not a 9 to 5 job. When I was healthy and working fulltime, there were days I worked 4 hours and days I worked 12 or 14. It depends on what's going on in the city at the time, the amount of time I have to spend at city council and school board meetings and stuff like that. As long as you put in the time they require (and get your work done), they don't care how you allot it.

I already gave notice on my apt., but I can either get it reversed or pick another apt. in the complex, there are vacancies.

My sister works in the mental health field, and she knows about my issues, including the stuff the rest of the family doesn't have a clue about (like my abuse from my mother), so I'm sure she would be understanding about my moods and energy levels. I am also pretty sure she wouldn't let me stay up all night and sleep all day, LOL. It's almost 3 pm here and I just got out of the shower and got dressed for the day!

You see my problem? There are compelling arguments on either side, and I can't figure out which to choose!

Candy

[SeptemberMorn]

Candy, I still say that going to your sister's is your best bet for now. You need care and someone to light a fire under you at times. You also need the break from the heavy load you've been carrying for quite a while. It goes back farther than December and you know it.

go to your sister's...

Candybear,

When I have major life decisions to make, I get a bag of M&M's. Then I sit and ask the questions or concerns that I'm dealing with.

If I move to my sister's house, I won't have to worry so much about finances. That is a good thing so move one M&M into the "good" pile.

When you are done, the M&M's will visually show you what decision outweighs the other.

And then you get to eat them.

This works well with Cheez-Its too.

[lenjan]

ROFL Petunia, great idea!

I had a friend with OCD tendencies, and before she could eat a bag of M&M's, she had to pour them out on the table and separate them by color. Then she would eat one color at a time, in a specific order.

I promise I won't go that far.

Candy

[Myzen]

Candy,

OK, it looks like you could jump either way.

For me, the clincher would be your relationship with your sister. That's obviously a personal matter that only you know about.

If you have a pretty relaxed relationship, and are both clear about the arrangements, then it feels like a good opportunity. It could work out really well, and then with you fitter and stronger you could take up some work again.

In your shoes I would be looking for the easiest option at the moment, and then thinking of the long term later on. I would want somewhere to lay my head down for a while.

That's my 2p, but I don't want to influence you either way, in case it's wrong!

Good thoughts, M

[lenjan]

Myzen, there's no right or wrong with opinions!

My relationship with my sister is really good. And of my three brothers-in-law, her husband is the only one I can tolerate for any length of time. ;-)

I think I'm going to take Petunia's M&M decision-making strategy. I need chocolate! LOL

Candy

[(JD)]

((((Candy)))) What a dilemma! For me, it's the indecision that kills! What I have to be reminded of for my own situations is that nothing is permanent. I'm an adult and can change my mind as my situation changes.

You can too. Maybe ask yourself, "So what?" Not to minimize what you are going through, but to help you see all perspectives. So what if you stay and only work 20 hours a week right now? So what if you have to cut back on things for a bit till you know if you can work 30 hours? So what if you begin to feel sick and have to change situations again? Can't you always go to your sisters? Later on?

Yes, there are consequences and payoffs for each decision. Please realize it isn't the end of the world... whatever you decide for yourself NOW, will be the right decision for yourself NOW. Ok? ((((hugs))))

[bebop]

I know healthwise you have been thru a very rough time lately. I for one would really think about going to my sisters and let her help take care of me for awhile. I wish I could do that sometimes just so I don't have to worry about so much for even just a little while. how far are you from your sister right now?

[lenjan]

It's 4.5 hours from Milwaukee to Rochester. Not TOO bad -- but the difference between a city of 600,000 and a "city" of 80,000 at MOST. I don't know what my chances are of getting a non-minimum-wage part-time job there!

[lenjan]

OK. Even without knowing what the dr. told my editor in chief, I have decided: I am going to my sister's. (All those in favor, you may cheer now. ) However, I just made this decision last night, and I haven't informed her of it yet.

I did a bunch of research last night, though, and sent her an email with some questions, etc, and some thoughts.

This morning I woke up at a reasonable hour (9:00 -- considering I went to bed at 3, not too shabby!), all jazzed to do some work and be productive. Then I find this email from my sister. Remember, she doesn't know yet I've decided to go ahead regardless of what my former employer says.

So her email says, Kirk (another sister's husband) and Rich and I will be the ones to move you. We are coming to MOVE you, not pack and clean. You must have that done before we arrive. Depending on work schedules, you may not be able to stay through the end of April. Deal with it.

WTF am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to advertise the stuff I was going to sell if I don't know how long I'll be here? What do I tell people who want to see me before I leave town? And how the F am I supposed to clean and pack an entire apartment by myself in less than 3 weeks? Yes, I have time on my hands, but it's still a big job! I have a pdoc appt. scheduled for the 26th that I might not even be here for? I made my decision based on what I could reasonably expect to do by the end of the month!

Naturally, I responded to this news my usual way, which was to immediately return to bed, pull the covers over my head, and try to forget about it. I'm only up now because I have an interview to conduct in under 2 hours and I need to make myself look presentable and become minimally informed on the subject, so I don't look like a complete ***** when I'm talking to these people.

You know, most days I feel OK about myself, but it's when ***** like this happens that I realize I have made absolutely NO progress in 7 years of therapy -- I just regress to old behaviors. I should be angry with myself, but I'm just frustrated and sad.



Candy

[(JD)]

(((Candy))) I will support you no matter what decisions you make.

I'm concerned with the environment you are going into though. Is this the way your life is going to be run, or is your sister acting out of frustration and wanting to help and get this done? I'm cautious that she is taking you in but doesn't understand your handicap in trying to close things up completely within 3 weeks??? (It took me over 6 months to pack, and that was after I knew I would be moving for certain!)

Obviously if you run on her time table, you will have to alter yours.
If you decide to alter yours, then do your best. Call and see if you can see your pdoc ahead of that time. Hire someone in for a day to help you pack (Psych central has a fund, I am willing for you to use some for this.)

However, if this timetable of your sisters just doesn't cut it for you, then tell her, NOW. See if there are other accommodations they all can make? Sounds to me like they are squeezing you in between some of their own activities. While that might be fine for them, it doesn't sound like they really understand what you need, and don't need.

Can you reevaluate what you said in the email you DID send her? Sounds to me like she overreacted. (((hugs)))