[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I get so incredibly mad.
I've had a lot happen in the last year, two years actually. I got to the point where I almost was hospitalized twice (by the er and my t but convinced them both not to)
This was caused by my anxiety. I've had bad things happen and they made my anxiety spike. Things got so bad that I couldn't handle anything. I felt like I was bordering a nervous break down. If let's say the radio is playing in the car, my daughter is talking and the dog is licking me, I'll loose it. I just can't handle too much. When two people try to talk to me at the same time, I fell like I'm going to lose my mind. I can't handle too much. I just can't do it. It seems like many things are just too much.
But on top of all of this, I get so angry. I used to be a master at my job, great at customer service. Put on the smile, apologize over and over. I would gladly make numerous reservations, I would gladly fix everything that went wrong.
Now any time the phone rings my blood boils. I feel like ripping my hair out every time someone complains. I feel like jabbing people in the eyes when they get attitudes with me. It takes all I have to not snap on them, and still I do it sometimes.
It's like all of my patience and all of my security are shot. I just can't take anything any more it seems. Not angry people, not multiple things going on, I just can't take it. I'm at my witts end with everything it seems.
I guess I'm having a melt down, does this actually happen to people?
I have a t but he's more focused on helping other issues right now, but I'm supposed to be working on my stress as lately it has been causing seizures, and this whole being at my witts end isn't helping my stress one bit. Is this what it feels like to have a nervous break down?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

It's just too much. Everything. Bills. People. Family. Friends. Work. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I'm just fed up, I just want to curl in a ball and get away from it all. Just for a little at least... But I can't...

[makesmewonder]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

It's just too much. Everything. Bills. People. Family. Friends. Work. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I'm just fed up, I just want to curl in a ball and get away from it all. Just for a little at least... But I can't...

Hi purple, it seems like most of what you're experiencing has something to do with work stress but when regular life is added to it, it starts to feel like its all too much, but it isnt...

dont lose track of your center... food, sleep, rest....

when those needs are balanced you can fill in the rest... more girls, more music, more , whatever..

fill your first needs first, does that make sense? rest, take it easy,,,, peace and hope.

[bsgirl67]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I get so incredibly mad.
I've had a lot happen in the last year, two years actually. I got to the point where I almost was hospitalized twice (by the er and my t but convinced them both not to)
This was caused by my anxiety. I've had bad things happen and they made my anxiety spike. Things got so bad that I couldn't handle anything. I felt like I was bordering a nervous break down. If let's say the radio is playing in the car, my daughter is talking and the dog is licking me, I'll loose it. I just can't handle too much. When two people try to talk to me at the same time, I fell like I'm going to lose my mind. I can't handle too much. I just can't do it. It seems like many things are just too much.
But on top of all of this, I get so angry. I used to be a master at my job, great at customer service. Put on the smile, apologize over and over. I would gladly make numerous reservations, I would gladly fix everything that went wrong.
Now any time the phone rings my blood boils. I feel like ripping my hair out every time someone complains. I feel like jabbing people in the eyes when they get attitudes with me. It takes all I have to not snap on them, and still I do it sometimes.
It's like all of my patience and all of my security are shot. I just can't take anything any more it seems. Not angry people, not multiple things going on, I just can't take it. I'm at my witts end with everything it seems.
I guess I'm having a melt down, does this actually happen to people?
I have a t but he's more focused on helping other issues right now, but I'm supposed to be working on my stress as lately it has been causing seizures, and this whole being at my witts end isn't helping my stress one bit. Is this what it feels like to have a nervous break down?

I have felt exactly like you. I am at my witts end. And I don't like the feeling. I want to go far far away from where i am right now. I dont like here where I am. Not fun. Not funny. Sad. Sadder. Saddest. I feel you. Robbin

[dailyhealing]

I don't really have any advice, but wanted to say how sorry I am that you are struggling so much. I'm glad you posted on here! If you ever want to just vent you are always welcome to send me a message! I hope things calm down for you a bit and you start to feel better.

[amandalouise]

here where I live and work a nervous breakdown means you can not function ...you cant take care of your food, clothing shelter needs, hygiene... basically all you can do is sit there worrying, crying, sometimes to the point of not being able to stop crying without mental and medical intervention, anxious, jumping/startle reactions, sometimes even hallucinating due to not being able to sleep, eat or take care of yourself, a person here that experiences a nervous breakdown usually gets hospitalized because they are not coherent enough to even explain what is wrong because they are so mentally and physically unable to function.

what you posted in the first post of this thread we (here where I live and work) call...seeing red, an anger issue, an anger problem, getting so mad you just literally see red and cant see (mentally ) past the problem that made you angry.

I have gotten that angry before where anger just fills every waking moment. I diffuse it by going out on the lake with my boat. theres nothing like physical activity to take my anger out on, works every time. then when Im so tired and anger has wore down then with my therapist I address what ever it is that caused me to become angry, then if its a person that angered me I take it up with them in a calm and rational talk the problem out with them way.

((((Purp)))) I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now...my heart to yours. I can relate to how you are feeling.. I wish there was something I could do to help ease your mind a bit right now. Do you think you can take a break from work so you can rest a bit? Your health comes first.

Also can you call your t, md & pdoc to discuss what is going on...you are THE most important part of this equation. Your team is there to help you. Reach out to everyone and let them know you feel as if you are at a breaking point. Give them the opportunity to care for you and to do what they can to get you back on track.

There is absolutely no reason for you to suffer. Please be gentle and kind with yourself xx. We are here too and care lots.

Hugs to you,
Rose

[shezbut]

(((PFM)))

I can really relate to the problems that you're having as this is a daily occurance for me. In my case, the cause is my brain unable to work more quickly, at optimum speed. This is due to brain surgery (removing part of the left hippocampus) as well as TBI, affecting the left side of my brain 1 year later.

I have been advised, however, that depression is known to cause some similar symptoms that I struggle with ~ such as difficulty processing info, recall, feeling overwhelmed, anger and frustration.

I would recommend that you see a doc about these prob's, and see if a fix can be found to relieve some of this stress and discomfort for you. Very best wishes!

[Nammu]

I don't know if this is what a breakdown feels like but I know its very close to what my PTSD/depression is like when it's not controlled. You are fortunate to have a T that could talk them into not hospitalizing you. I just got out from a 72hr hold by a untrained police officer who seemed to think he knew more than my T.

I too need a lot of quiet too. Too many things at one time, loud noises or even just the failure of too many things to go right in a short time seems to short wire my brain. Normaly Im the one people turn to in a crisis, not right now though....

Deep breathing helps, talking with my T, Ti Chi....all the best.

[possum220]

You are so stressed. You do need to find a way to de-stress.

I was really stressed out. Didnt realise it and my body slam dunked me.

If you can get some relief do it. Maybe some time in hospital wouldnt be a bad idea? You can get taken care of and get some rest.

Do hope you get better any way you need to.

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

I don't know if this is what a breakdown feels like but I know its very close to what my PTSD/depression is like when it's not controlled. You are fortunate to have a T that could talk them into not hospitalizing you. I just got out from a 72hr hold by a untrained police officer who seemed to think he knew more than my T.

I too need a lot of quiet too. Too many things at one time, loud noises or even just the failure of too many things to go right in a short time seems to short wire my brain. Normaly Im the one people turn to in a crisis, not right now though....

Deep breathing helps, talking with my T, Ti Chi....all the best.

I actually wondered if Purple has some sort of PTSD also. I am no one to be giving a diagnosis, but what you described sounded very much like a film I saw with a returning veteran who could not handle noise, people talking at the same time. He also became very angry, like you describe.
I hope that's not the case for you, Purple, but I wanted share and send my healing thoughts.
Patty

[Open Eyes]

(((Purple))),

I agree with Seeker in that you are describing PTSD symptoms. I have gone through that myself and I like quiet too and I get angry bouts myself and just the way you are discribing if I am having to think about too many things all at once.

I wondered the same thing about a nervous break down. Are you in therapy now?
I think you said you were struggling to find a therapist. Is there anything you want to talk about here that we can listen and validate?

I am sorry that you are struggling with this, I know what this feels like and it is not always easy to control or understand. You have to work on developing some calming methods and go for walks if you can. I know that you can't always do that by yourself, but since the weather is still nice, try to see if you and your husband and go for long quiet walks, that will help you a lot.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

PFM,
what you are describing sounds like extreme stress not a breakdown. I am not a doctor but I had a breakdown last year- the worst experience of my life...time had no meaning, I couldn't eat or sleep, cried constanly, my hands shook so much I couldn't hold anything...tears flowed from my eyes without any control. I felt like I had no control over my body or emotions, It scared the crao out of me.
Have you tried doing some breathing exersises or some reiki for the relaxation, this will really calm you down when you are stressed.
Hope you will be ok

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you everyone for all of your wonderful replies.

Stress is a major issue for me. I've always stressed and here lately it's been much worse. As questioned before, yes I have been diagnosed with PTSD so perhaps these issues are stemming from that. The therapist didn't think I was technically depressed, just that my stress levels have worn me out emotionally and physically. This could be true. And y'all are likely right.

When I think back to May, I can see why my t wanted me hospitalized. I was in the emergency room three times in a week, two of the times were because my anxiety and my over all mental health caused me to get so physically ill. Everything at all sent me spiralling into an anxiety attack. I didn't eat for days at a time because I wasn't hungry, and when I tried to force myself to eat I would throw it up or dry heave constantly. I couldn't hold liquids down either.

I wasn't sleeping, I would lay in bed shaking so terribly it would wake my fiance up. I was shaking even when I was sleeping, the shaking would wake me up. Every time it started (about every 35-45 minutes) he would wake up and give me a back rub (as I had read they are great for anxiety) and it helped but it would just hit again so soon after.

I was shaking and yes crying constantly, while in bed, while watching TV, while out places. I missed the whole week of work. My third visit to the ER they sent the mental health doctor in to see me, she evaluated me and suggested I stay in the mental health ward a few days. I begged saying I couldn't leave my daughter so she referred me to my therapist I have now.

I saw him once, then two days later I was still in terrible shape. Shaking and still not able to sleep. I just couldn't function. I called him but had no way to drive to see him so he squeezed me in and made a trip to my home to see me. I was a wreck when he came over. He even mentions it from time to time during our visits to prove to me I have made progress since that time.

Having a seizure is what set all of that into motion, but even he doesn't think (as well as the doctors not believing it) that the seizures caused all of the feelings and things I was experiencing. That appointment where he came to my home, he recommended I go to their inpatient treatment. I told him I couldn't do that to my 4 year old so he told me to call any time day or night when I was feeling that bad again. There have been days but I didn't call him, figuring it would be best to try to get through it on my own.

I guess if I were having a break down, that would have been the time. And looking back I am better. I just get so tired of feeling this way. We went to lunch at my favorite restaurant today, after the lunch crowd there was only one other table in the restaurant. Still I felt so uneasy, so uncomfortable I felt like I was going to run out the door at any minute. So I've just been staying home every day unless I work.

My fiance tries to get me to go places, but I lack the energy and when I do go to make him happy, I am just terrible to be around. I am just not ever seeming happy. I don't mean to, how I would love to enjoy things I used to enjoy. I used to be the kind of person who had to go places all the time. Just go go go. I loved being out side, going places. Now it's a HUGE chore just to walk to dog.

My fiance is the one cooking dinner every night now, he's the one doing almost all of the cleaning, and as much as I'm ashamed to say it, there are days where I forget to shower or brush my teeth, and when I remember, I just don't feel like it. I hate showering I hate brushing my teeth and doing my makeup, I even stopped straightening my hair, but I do it because I don't want to scare my fiance off.

Maybe he's right, maybe I am depressed. I don't feel sad or down, I am hopeful, I'm just so angry and so empty... Kind of... Unless you count my fears and my anger, those are what seem to consume me. Love to of course, I hug and kiss my daughter all day long so she knows I love her, I just can't show it with anything else. I'm a wreck.

Even though I had a million emotional problems before, I'd give about anything to feel the way I did before the accident two years ago. While a lot of these problems have intensified in the last two months, they started two years ago, when my t says the PTSD happened. They just seem to get worse.

I just want to pull my hair out. I am angry, I just 90% of the time don't know why I'm angry. My t thinks this has to do with my DID but he thinks everything has to do with my DID. I just don't know. I'm a mix, a huge mess of problems. Im tired, if I can't fix these problems, I just want to sleep or be alone until they go away...

((((Purp))))...

[Nammu]

As bad as it feels, ...as much as it feels like the end of the world,... it is not,..... and it will get better,..... it will get better.

Keep working with your T, keep working with your Pdoc, they do know how to help.

PTSD, is hard, many of us have been where you are and do understand. I was DID but not any more, DID can be cured. I still struggled with PTSD-C but my symptoms are much better than they were, it sounds like you have a very good T and P-doc they know the illness, they know how to help you and they are willing to listen to you thats a great and rare thing, hang on to them. You are not crazy, what you are going though is normal for this dx. Take care.