[greenery]

A horrible episode happened to me, and I think it may be indicative of serious mental health issues. I'm here to get some clues on what condition(s) I might have.

Here's what happened:

I'm diagnosed with adult ADD (prescribed Adderall) and also mild anxiety (prescribed Valium). I had a break from taking Adderall and then one day started taking it again. When that happens I usually have trouble sleeping for a few days as my body needs time to adjust to Adderall. So on that night I slept only 4 hours, and woke up because I couldn't sleep anymore. I got up and was doing my regular tasks.

I wasn't sure what to do but decided to wait a couple of hours before taking Adderall for that day. So in maybe 2 hours I decided to take it. I opened the bottle and I saw all the pills in the bottle. I decided to take half a pill. I needed to fish the half pill out of the bottle, so I put all the pills on the palm of my hand to be able to do that.

Then I experienced the following thoughts (not necessarily in this precise order):

"If someone took all of them they would be dead."
"Wow, it's so easy to just take all of them."
"It only takes a simple easy motion and then it's irreversible. Even if you have regrets you're then doomed. This is fascinating"
"If you take them you would feel fine until your body absorbs them. So in effect you would be the living dead in that period of time. In that time you could talk to your friends and family but there would be nothing they or you could do. This is crazy."

There was also some undercurrent urge in me to just take all of the pills "for the heck of it". It didn't make any sense. The vague reasoning behind the urge was something like "to see what happens" or "it would be cool" (in some very twisted way).

For some reason I experienced these thoughts while holding all the pills in the palm of my hand. I was extremely disturbed and terrified by these thoughts. I also felt like the inexplicable urge was getting stronger. I was terrified.

I put ALL the pills back in the bottle without taking even one, and went to lay down on a bed. As I was laying down I was thinking about why I was having these terrible thoughts. Then another issue appeared, some irrational part of me started implying that I actually took all or some of the pills. I knew I didn't. But it was getting harder to ignore. I had trouble trusting myself. I became very worried and my jaw started shaking. I kept telling myself that I didn't take any pills, and I'm safe. As my worry was getting worse, I took one tablet of Valium and went back to bed. As I was taking the Valium tablet, I glanced back at my palm 4 or 5 times to absolutely make sure I was taking only one and that I was in fact taking Valium. Very soon after taking Valium I stopped thinking and worrying about all of this and fell asleep and slept for maybe 8 or more hours.

I woke up calm, and feeling completely normal.

I'm not depressed, don't experience regular suicidal thoughts, fairly content with my life and haven't been diagnosed with any mental issues besides ADD and mild anxiety. The only times I've experienced similar is in situations where it would be very easy to jump to death, for example when I would stand on a very tall bridge with no railing, and I would think to myself about "how easy it would be to jump and what it would feel like." And I would experience the same undercurrent urge "to try it".

What mental conditions may I have?

I am by no means a therapist or psychiatrist, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. What I have to say comes from my own experience in treatment and from being around hundreds of people with various mental health issues.

It sounds like you may, in fact, have depressive issues. Sadness is a symptom of depression, but people don't always feel it when they are depressed. Depression presents itself in a variety of different forms. Anxiety is a symptom of depression. And by the same token, depression is a symptom of anxiety. So it seems as if you are experiencing more than just "mild anxiety" It could be more severe than that. Especially since Valium is quite a hefty medication to be taking for mild anxiety.

It's actually fairly common for people to have odd thoughts like you have just described. People often express fleeting thoughts of crashing their cars, jumping in to traffic, taking pills, jumping off bridges, etc. Generally, people fleetingly think it and then push it from their minds. For you, however, I think it became coupled with your anxiety and the anxiety took over and began to obsess on the thoughts and made it spiral out of control until your valium kicked in and knocked you out.

That is my theory and how I am perceiving it, of course. Your best bet would be to talk to a therapist and work out what's going on.

[IceCreamKid]

I urge you to contact whoever prescribed your medications and tell them what you have written here.

[valyn9]

Kind of reminds me of this old video of Jim Carrey on impulses.

Anyway, that is scary. Sorry you are (or were) experiencing that. I can't provide ID for you unfortunately. I'm not sure if I can relate, though sometimes I'll think the exact things I don't want to think, kind of like I'm terrorizing myself with the ugliest thoughts I can think up. I think of it sort of like a self-punishment, so I try to convince myself to have mercy and be kind, and even though it doesn't seem to directly relate when I'm saying those things, it still seems to help anyway. I think it might be similar just because of how out of my own control I feel, almost as though there's a separate mind making thoughts for me and I have to think them. Your mind is kind of your sanctuary, so it makes you want to scream when it feels like it's not your own. There are many things you don't like experiencing but life events are just on an entirely shallower level than when even for a few seconds it feels like your mind has divided itself in two.

[Passion222]

I have done those thoughts so many times. More as a kid. I'd look in medicine cabinet and think-what if I took
All of those aspirin what would happen. Or what if I took my dads gun off the rack and put to my head, would I pull the trigger? Would my friends and family care??Stuff like that. And now I'm diagnosed with major depression and bipolar as a adult. I'm no professional but do think you should look Into a discussion about possible depression. I realize those thoughts were possibly harmful and as a adult with these mood disorders I realize those thoughts were most likely associated with my depression.

[Miswimmy1]

I have the same thing... I'm not suicidal and I'm not depressed. I am curious. I am more intrigued as to "what if", u know? It scared me at first too... I think it's normal to wonder at some point in your life. But whether u act on it is another story... Is there any part of your life that you feel like you have no control ovr? That could be your subconscious wanting more control ovr your life...

[greenery]

1) Shortly after the experience I realized how much "I DON'T WANNA DIE! I WANNA LIVE!"

2) I'm pretty amazed to hear that such "curious" thoughts are not that uncommon.

3) Of course, I thought about describing what happened to my Dr. but I'm afraid he'll stop my meds and I really need them. And I guess on a more subconscious level I'm afraid of what he might tell me - in terms of other conditions he might diagnose me with.

4) It seems most of you point the finger at some kind of "behind the scenes" depression going on that's somehow generating those crazy thoughts in a roundabout way.

greenery, i have no business giving advice, so I won't. I would like to say that I do everything that you wrote about almost my entire days. Everything i write about, research, read about, songs I like, things I see, when I drive, take meds...everything has the undercurrent of suicidal ideation. It is frightening at times, but also very seductive, too. The mind is a strange thing, but I would not consider that you had these thoughts one time an unusual occurrence at all. You did mention that you are dealing with some mild anxiety and ADD. Perhaps this added to your unusual thinking. Like I said, I have no business giving advice, but I will say for myself that I wouldn't think twice about mentioning that episode to my doctor (in fact I have had many similar conversations with my 'therapy-team' and there has never been any suggestion that I should end my medication plan. The meds are a bridge to sanity so that you can think clearly through the therapy process. Anyway, that is how I see it.

Good Luck to You,
Fleeing Bellocq