Using our own pain to help others...........

After I became "educated" and joined the working world of therapy and counseling, I became acutely aware that a lot of people love their misery. In fact, my description of it would be that they love it so much and they hold it so tightly to their chest that prying it away from them would be impossible.

I found in running group therapy that certain patients used their pain and misery as a shield against the rest of the group. And in fact, at times, would "hit" people over the head with it to keep them back.

And my mantra here has usually been that we're at our best when we are helping others. I believe that with all of my heart. Getting out of our misery and pain allows us to see that others need more than we, at times, need. A support group is only as good as the group allows it to be. PC is such a giving and loving group and I know that we've all grown from helping others.

Pain is a fact of being and one that permeates all of our lives to some degree. Since the hurt we feel may be a part of the experiences that have touched us most deeply, we are often loathe to let it go. It is frequently easier to keep our pain at our sides, where it acts as a shield that shelters us from others and gives us an identity-that of victim-from which we can draw bitter strength.

However, pain's universality can also empower us to use our hurt to help others heal. Since no pain is any greater or more profound than any other, what you feel can give you the ability to help bring about the recovery of individuals whose hurts are both similar to and vastly different from your own.

You can channel your pain into transformative and healing love that aids you in helping individuals on a one-to-one basis and spreading a tide of curative energy throughout the world.

The capacity to heal others evolves naturally within those who are ready to disassociate themselves from their identity as victims. In fact, the simple decision to put aside the pain we have carried is what grants us the strength to redeem that pain through service.

There are many ways to use the hurt you feel to help others. Your pain gives you a unique insight into the minds of people who have experienced trauma and heartache. You can draw from the wellspring of strength that allowed you to emerge on the other side of a painful experience and pass that strength to individuals still suffering from their wounds. You may be able to council individuals in need by showing them the coping methods that have helped you survive or simply by offering sympathy. A kinship can develop that allows you to relate more closely with those you are trying to aid and comfort.

Helping others can be a restorative experience that makes your own heart grow stronger. In channeling your pain into compassionate service and watching others successfully recover, you may feel a sense of euphoria that leads to increased feelings of self-worth and optimism. Your courageous decision to reach out to others can be the best way to declare to yourself and the world that your pain didn't defeat you, and in fact it helped you heal.

Pat, this is wonderful!! It's also very true! I've experienced it myself.

When you can stop thinking so much about yourself and extend a helping hand, you are also helping yourself out of that "victim mode" that so many are SOOO attached to! Some people go through their whole lives so utterly stuck in that Victim Mode! I know a few like that.

Thanks again for sharing this. It's great!

Thanks Pat!!!!! this is a wonderful post... i feel better when i can support someone.. i feel like i can relate to them when they are hurting... I can relate because i have been there.... lending a helping hand is the greatest thing in the world.. when i came here, i was searching and was needing some support. it seemed like everyewhere I looked there was a helping hand. there was someone pulling me up and letting me lean on them.... and from time to time they still let me lean on them and lend their helping hand!!!!!!

I never feel as good as when I listen and try to help others, when I'm feeling really down or sad myself.
To feel really bad, can feel really good- if you can lend your hand to another person in need.

But yes... there are times when you're so drained that you just can't give anymore... I think that's only human.

I try to follow these words from The Bible: All that you wish others would do to you, you should do to them.
I know... I stumble... but I try to act like that.

To be a part of this community is an honour! You're so special each and everyone of you!
You've lend me a hand many times, and I'm really grateful for that!

Good post, Pat!!!!!

(((((((((((( Pat ))))))))))))))

fayerody, your post could be a lovely article to the Psych Cental Report newsletter.

Pat, I agree with you. I make sure not to let my own pain/sadness keep me from trying to help others as much as I can and, while I do feel that when I'm feeling bad myself I have a harder time supporting others, it is very rewarding.

Pat, I agree with jennie. Your post would make a good addition to the newsletter. It says a lot of what this site is about.

So so true, and so well said. I think there was a time in my life when I was unable to accept and let go of my own personal misery, I think mainly that's because it was apart of who I was.

Although there has been many miseries in my life I don't regret the fact the happened. Without the path I was given in life I wouldn't know what I do today. I've accepted and move on and my life has approved.

If only everybody that does continue to allow themselves could do the same.

Im a survivor of child sexual abuse and instead of keeping the pain and so on stuck to me like glue that would pull me down like quicksand I found ways of turning the bad situations of what happened to me into putting it to doing good and great things like guest speaking in community agencies, schools and prison inmate offenders programs, testifies for a governors task force on rape and sexual assault in which my testimony along with other survivors in the state were formed into law proposals and became laws for the whole state, Started a community support group for women survivors of child sexual abuse, vollunteer work on a community workshop about child sexual abuse for community professionals - teachers, lawyers, doctors and so on, Survivor member on a community child abuse and protection council (members were lawyers, teachers, doctors, and so on), Appeared in the mass media on the subject of child sexual abuse, A member of many on line support groups. And I am always on the lookout for more ways to help get the word out about recognizing, breaking free and protection against Child sexual abuse.

As for my having DID well again I am on many on line support groups. And now that my present lawyer has lifted the gag order so to speak that a past lawyer put on my past therapist and I about DHS not finding out that I have DID I am more open in my real time life about my having this and those that I have disclosed it to have been fantastic and do not treat me any differently then they did before they knew of my diagnosis.

Combining my having been abused and my having DID I have completed the writing of 2 books and am on the third one. They are not yet out for the general public yet but I do print them off for people who are in my real time life. I do plan on officially publishing them in the near future.

Some future plans in the works for me as in thoughts for doing -

there is a gallery here in town that sells survivors artwork. I have "toyed" with the idea for a couple years and will at some point be selling my artwork there.

I am a single parent with a child in the foster care and mental health system. I am thinking about possibly starting a group for parents of children in the foster care system. I know know how to navigate the system including not letting a DHS caseworker get away with harrassment and breaking laws in the process. oh boy what I could teach people about a certain ex DHS caseworker and how to handle those like her. LOL

a website formed and run modeled after a real time support group that I run and have been a member of in another state. The webiste plans will include readable and postable only by registration and login and possibly limited to a specific real time support group members so that those of us from this fantastic support group that I was a part of years ago and have modeled the support group I have started and run presently after have a way to still have our group and so on.

There are so many ways a person can use the bad that was done to us to put it to good use. Think about it.. What was the one thing our abusers wanted to do?

Hurt us, break us, and KEEP US SILENT so what is the best way to get revenge-

By HEALING, showing we can SUVIVE and TELLING others about what happened in whatever ways we feel comfortable and TEACHING others how to TELL

I was never taught

good touch, bad touch, say NO and GO TELL

now I teach it, I write it, I draw it, and I am it.

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something has tried to kill me
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(((hugs)))

????

victim mode

Is that what I'm doing?

Sky, you felt frightened by this thread? You are not in danger now, your accident was many years ago.

Time O, you are not being a victim, you are being a supportive friend and sharing your pain. You are living what Pat is saying, take the bad and put it to a positive use. In a way it takes away the power of our perpertrators, for those who have them. In another way it makes goodness grow because we can keep passing it forward. Pat, you are straight on here and I certainly get it. Now to remember to practice living it everyday!

i think that Sky was taking a line out of my signature. some of you may have the signatures blocked and may have missed mine. at least i think that is what happened. if i'm wrong, i'm sure sky will tell me. :-) xoxoxo pat

Pat,

I think some people are so afraid they hold onto the only existence they know, even if it's pain and misery. It's hard to deal with people like that...but you have to feel sorry for them in the long run.

Hugs,

Jan

Pat! I didn't know you were an DailyOm fan! When I read that same article I thought of how it applied to PC too. Thanks for posting it!

An excellent post to say the least!!!!
I know that there are days that I am so down deep in that hole and that coming here and maybe all i can do is post one or two words of kindness to another soul who is in pain makes me feel for one , that I am not alone in my misery and that I can learn and help others because of all I have been through in my life.. hmm .... won't go into that now...
I believe that many like holding onto their pain for so many reasons some alright, some darn right even more damaging that is where I get confuddled... If I held on to all my miseries I would not be here today because they lead me down a road of no returning..
Thanks for the posting and I hope that it opens some eyes especially to those that are new to the site or new to understanding themselves and their pain... Thank you....linda

i think they rock. i used to use the same approach in groups and it really works.

Yes Pat, you are right (or should I call you Ethel?? )

I know many ppl here think I post a lot...but there are those days when all I post is an emoticon...a smiley or hugs... because of my personal pain.

IMO it is human nature to stay with what you "know" rather than venture into the "unknown." What we need to remember is that there WAS a time we knew..we know.. before the pain... so it isn't the unknown, and it's ok to go there again.

Where's your update about what's happening with you girl?