[InfiniteSadness]

I find it an ever long series of disappointments and monotony. And the harder i try to get better the more i stay the same. Its like a losing battle honestly. Its drudgery in my opinion. "act this way, do this" etc.

no matter what i do in life, i never feel happy.

even if i won the lottery next weekend i'd still feel lifeless- so yeah... it totally sucks

[Open Eyes]

I always found something I wanted to learn or do. The point of life IMO is about learning and growing your whole life. If you keep pushing to be the the best or better than others you will be disappointed in your life. I think it is a big mistake to have to have "the best" or "be the best to impress".

I have noticed during my life that there is a lot of pressure put on "success" and that people have this idea of "have to be or know who they are" at a certain point or else they are some kind of failure.

When I raised my daughter I made it a point to constantly tell her that I didn't care what she did for work or life, if she became a pig farmer, up to her knees in mud but had a smile on her face then I would be happy to my core and very proud of her. And I always encouraged her to try different things and keep learning too. And that is what she does with her life, just keeps an open mind and learns.

People spend their lives looking around at other people waiting to be judged for who or what they are, for what? Why is it important to worry about what everyone else thinks or judges of you? They are not going to be "living your life are they"? I think it often becomes such a trap and such a waste to "keep up with the Joneses" all your life. If you do that, you dont live your own life, you spend your life just "keeping up with some kind of image". And when we do that, whomever is setting the tone of image for that year etc, is the one who laughs all the way to the bank.

At one point in my life, my husband and I built a house in a small middle class neighborhood with other YUPIES (young uprising professionals). And it was a small dead end street and everyone built a nice house as to what they could afford. Well, the tone of that small neighborhood was "who had the biggest and the best". It was such a depressing neighborhood because the tone revolved around who was doing what and others trying to keep up with that. Who had a new car, who had more vacations, who's kids were wearing designer clothes, who could decorate for Christmas the best, and on and on. I hated that neighborhood and couldn't wait to get out of it and I did and bought a place with some land that I made into a small farm.

When I look at my life now, looking back, I was always happiest learning tbh. I prefered not owning a spot in someone's business, but I prefered to move around and do different jobs, which became a part of my business. Why is it important to just get into one set thing with one group of people?

For a while I worked as a temp and I moved around to different places to do different jobs and in each place I noticed the permenant empolyees had this soap opera environment where it was the same thing, who was the most or best. And honestly, I thought that was "boring" and I much prefered just "observing" and "listening". I never liked to be connected to just "one click" either, because I felt I learned more by just getting to know "different people" because everyone has something I can learn about.

Someone asked me the other day how I seem to know so much, know them somehow, well, I would have to say it probably is due to getting to know different people instead of just attaching myself to one group or click of people and then get tangled up in finding "my" position or worthiness in that group somehow.

So, maybe you should think about growing into who you are instead of expecting to just "know" who you are.

For over a year now I have really been struggling with PTSD. It really is such a challenging disorder and I have really been emotionally worn out by it. But even though I have been so incredibly challenged, I still am allowing myself to learn about it, learn about the brain, learn about others who struggle with it and observe myself while I have been struggling. This mindset didn't happen right away, this disorder had brought me to my knees, and to depths of dispair, but, I finally embraced it somehow and commited myself to learning about it and though it did scare me, I kept pushing to make sure I realized that I have PTSD and there is a reason and even though I struggle and feel lost and as if I have failed, that is a part of my disorder too. So I somehow give myself permission to observe and learn about it and learn how to make efforts to manage it and make some gains on it.

I can't say that I am "healed" or "suddenly all better" because I still struggle with it.
However, I have noticed that I have made some gains on it and I am doing better than last year. So I just keep learning and trying and I have learned to accept on some level that other people are not going to understand me because I struggle with it. I keep learning about it and I share whatever I have been learning with others.

So, my advice is to allow yourself to keep learning and try different things as well. And no, you are not going to "suddenly erase" your challenge, but you can keep learning and trying to self improve and open your mind up and learn everyday.

Open Eyes

[amity]

I am sorry that you find life so dull & disappointing.Something certainly needs to be done so that you could enjoy all the pleasures which others around you enjoy.Life would be so much more fun if only you could open yourself out to it.
I mean,since your life has been a drag so far,think how to change this.The only factor we can change is our own self.You could reinvent yourself so as to find happiness & satisfaction.Please don't take me amiss--it is a bitter reality that we all have to work for our own happiness.Do go through this link below perhaps i will help you--
http://jeeteraho.blogspot.in/2011/11...s-it-self.html

Originally Posted by InfiniteSadness

I find it an ever long series of disappointments and monotony. And the harder i try to get better the more i stay the same. Its like a losing battle honestly. Its drudgery in my opinion. "act this way, do this" etc.

I have the same life experience yet, for some reason, I keep trying. I guess it's instinct that keeps me going.

My suggestion is that you take out a pen and pencil and start making lists, e.g., what you need to do differently in your life; what you would like to accomplish in your life (e.g., travel, family); errors you do not want to repeat; lessons you have learned; short-term goals (even if it's just eating out at a fave restaurant); and things you want to try to make your life better (e.g., change of counselors, less family contact, new type of therapy). In short, things don't change on their own. You have to have plans.

All the best to you!

[edward6]

I am learning to accept reality, whatever that is; simply that. I've known this for a long time, but it took several, traumatic experiences, and a revealing Post on PC to drive this realization home to me.

Expecting the world to be a better place only victimizes me, and I lose my ability to respond...rationally. Accepting it for what it is, actually empowers me, and I can use my higher brain instead of my lower, emotional brain.

I'm not free and Clear; not by a long shot because I'm having moments of murderous rage, but, generally, I feel much better since this simple revelation.

[RunningEagleRuns]

energy drinks..

[Nihil]

I don't know how it is for others, but personally I am very good at detaching myself and introspecting. I think those are the two main ways I deal with things.

[brackenbeard]

no one can figure this out for you. we're all different, and it's up to us to find what moves us, what makes us groove, feel alive, and feel better. for me i'm at my best when focused on progression in my daily activites. for me the feeling of working at something and inching along getting better is what i need.

it's so easy to get caught in the dullness of life, especially if you have an illness that makes dullness... a feeling of total sucking. lack of energy really stifles everything. the best thing you can do each day is just try to wake up, and be alert. sometimes we don't even make it passed that point, and the day goes along in a daze. try to get alert for one.

you'll find that simple things like hanging out, or having a conversation can give you pleasure. it can be fun, but if you're real down you don't even want to try, and you deny yourself simple pleasures.

i know what it's like to go through the day bored, and wondering when the hell are things going to change. i say forget about change, and just go ahead and do stuff. you'll discover stuff, by doing stuff. but who cares about discovering, just do. before you know it, if you live an active life you'll begin to realize things are falling into place.

[Lauru]

Quite poorly, usually self harm, drinking, and suicide attempts. I don't recommend any of them.

[InfiniteSadness]

What if you practically lost all hope so far??

I'd like a new deck...or at least a good reshuffling...

[di meliora]

With the perspective of a draftee.

[bastetsha]

Even when I get down in my darkest moments, I just remember that no matter what issues I have there are people that care about me. Also, and this may seem a little childish, I think of my cats and how Foster will meow and drag all his toys to my room when I am gone one night and how, once when I was locked out because I forgot my keys Salem tried so hard to open the door for me. I go on this life with my issues because of them and those thoughts have kept me alive and out of a lot of hospital visits. Hope things get better for you.

[onionknight]

I'd like a new deck...or at least a good reshuffling

That made me chuckle (though, it really isn't funny...) I can picture us all just chucking our "decks" in the air, in a frustrated move.

I don't deal with life. That's the problem. I don't know how to live, least not a balanced, healthy life. I can survive and occassionally fulfill goals, but there is a lot fo slamming into metaphorical wallls and bleeding involved.

I threaten suicide, completely shut down emotionally, avoid people and responsibility and run from my own dreams. I don't know another way to exist nor to I think I am capable of one. For what it's worth, this is what I am. I hate it. Thus, the endless cycle of wanting to die to not feel like this any longer.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by InfiniteSadness

What if you practically lost all hope so far??

I have felt this way alot this past year alone, so I do understand what you are asking here.

When I look at your disorders, I think to myself that in a way I have some of those issues myself. In my disorder, I struggle with a lot of Anxiety and then I can struggle with depressive thoughts or days as well. It feels like someone just wacked my brain and it just fell apart.

I spent the last two days helping my daughter move into a new place and that involved being around her and her friends and meeting other people as well. I also spent a lot of time going back and forth in our car in close quarters with her and my husband in my very packed car. My husband can be very "in your face" and he tends to "speak over me" and interupt me when I interact in a conversation with my daughter. When that happens to me I really struggle because it makes the PTSD flare up and then I have such a hard time keeping calm.

The problem with me is that I can get so overwhelmed that I can get snappy because my brain begins to race and struggle. And that back and forth in a packed car, loud husband, in the dark not being familiar with where I was began to really challenge me. And every chance I got, when the vehicle stopped from one place to the next, I tried to walk around or get space somehow so I could calm myself down. When I did that my husband made comments about "get with it and stop being lazy" in his "hurry up quick tone that he has a habit of doing with me".

Well, by the time I got home I was mentally exhausted and when I uttered how tired I was, my husband got mad and talked about how tired "he" was and how it was a long day for him because he worked too and he was tired before we even started. So then I begin to feel guilty somehow or invalidated or reminded how other people just don't understand how much work it can be for me when I am in certain situations.

I had more moving with my daughter to do yesterday, but at least my husband wasn't there to "push" so hard. But by last night I was just really mentally worn out and when my husband got home he started his "pushing" habits and I was just so tired. And so my sleep last night was poor and my thoughts were bad in my sleep, self punishing thoughts kept waking me up.

Well, I don't mean to take so long to talk about me, but my point is, that I struggle all the time and people around me really don't realize how challenging it is for me. I struggle with anxiety build ups and then fall into depressive thoughts and it just tires me out. And then, because I struggle I begin to have the thoughts that you are discribing.

What I have done is I spent a lot of time learning about my disorder.
I have come to understand that the one thing I have to learn how to do is "control the anxiety". That is the major culprit and so I focus on learning ways to distract my mind so I reduce the cortizol buildup that presents with "anxiety".

So when I took those time outs, I walked around studied trees and focused on whatever I could to slow my mind down from racing. You have some good hobbies that you can tap onto for that. But you can also learn to find more ways to consciously stop and slow down. It takes time to develope these skills though. It is all about "learning" about how you struggle and allowing yourself to develope your own unique "coping skills" around your challenge. And a lot of disorders have the main component of "anxiety" to them.

The human brain "can" develope new ways of "adapting" and working around challenges. However, it takes a lot of time for it to do that.
So for me, instead of my focusing on the fact that it was such a challenge for me and that my husband and daughter really "don't get that", I think about how I did manage. And I have come to recognize that even though I really struggled at times, I did better than I would have done before I commited to learning about my disorder and building skills to contol it.

It is very easy to fall into saying to yourself, I have this and that disorder and therefore I am somehow doomed or can't have any kind of quality life. I have battled that many times myself. But I dig deep and find my way to allowing myself to learn about it and keep trying to "adapt" and try to "make slow gains" over it. And "yes" it can be very lonely.

But, my time at PC has made me realize that even though I have felt alone, I am not really alone, a lot of people genuinely struggle just like me. There are a lot of people that have different challenges and in my time here I have slowly been realizing that there is a lot here for me to learn about.

So, what that means to me is that while I "do" struggle, I look at the people around me that challenge me differently. I don't look at them as if "they are ok and I am the one that struggles". I now see how others struggle as well, I see their issues and even how often their issues are things they may not know about themselves.

The truth is that no human being is truely "normal" the way we might think. We all have something that challenges us. In my knowing that, I think about myself differently too, and that helps me give myself permission to say, OE, you have PTSD and these are the things that challenge you in your disorder. OE, when you struggle with it, understand that it isn't your fault, you can respond poorly, and really struggle, but learn to recognize it in you and find ways to work around it.

If a person looks in the mirror and cannot see their body in an "accepting way", well if they learn about it, understand this about themselves, then they will also learn that when they do start to experience that challenge, they can do the self talk to say to themselves, "this is my disorder, it is only what my brain struggles with and I am now going to know that and work on slowly changing that thinking pattern."

My point is that it is important to do your best to think about "challenges' as not just "damage", but to give yourself permission to learn instead. That is what "I" do, and yes, it is often hard and I often do struggle, have some bad days as well, but I just dig deep inspite of it and keep "learning" and "find my way to gaining" inspite of it.

Open Eyes

[gabmux]

I try to remember ...."Don't give up 5 seconds before the miracle".

[IceCreamKid]

When I started doing what made me happy, I started feeling less that life was a long series of disappointments and monotony. I kept thinking if I only did what everyone told me to do, and if I only did what everyone told me to do perfectly, then they'd love me. I discovered that was a crock o' crud. So I started looking around for what I liked to do. Have you tried anything along those lines?

[DFL678]

Well, for one, therapy helps with a lot of the issues from my childhood. The way I grew up, with divorced, drug and alcohol addicted parents and an abusive stepfather has an effect on me. There was physical and sometimes emotional abuse, but the most prevalent issue was neglect.

I swore very early on that I would not repeat my parents' mistakes and I haven't. I also think back at the many times I had to be the "adult" as a child. I feel awkward talking about myself in positive terms like this, but I've had a certain drive and inner strength that I've drawn on to get through that. Even now, I still do.

For me, I think that while I'd be a lot better off without the screwed up childhood, it's just in my nature to have issues with anxiety and depression. Simply accepting that has had a huge positive effect on me living my life and being able to pursue the things I value and enjoy. It's not easy and during the couple of severe bouts of depression I've had I've not been able to do it. With that said, I think that sort of acceptance that I've come to over the past couple of years is what has allowed me to avoid a re-occurrence of what my depression has been at times.