What happened ? Am I a monster ? Would you go back ?

I have been divorced from my ex for 3 years now. But I still miss him and still love him, although I will admit I hate myself for this, I feel ashamed. I should hate him, as much as I'm heartbroken and disgusted, I am also confused and if I'm really honest, still care for him. Am I a monster for this ?
He had a drug and alcohol problem. He was also arrested for domestic violence. He popped me in the mouth and gave me a fat lip once during an argument. That's not the worst of it. Before that incident, we had a baby girl. I used to come home from work or school in the afternoons and find little scratches on her nose, ears, or mouth, sometimes a little bruise on her cheeks. At first I was in shock. I couldn't put two and two together. It didn't look like she was beaten or anything. I asked my husband what happened because he was with her in mornings. He said he's not sure, maybe she's scratching herself or pulling on her cheeks and ears. I looked at her nails and they were a little long and so I thought, maybe babies do that. So I cut them and put those sock things on her hands when I wasn't holding her. One day I came home and I heard her crying in the bedroom. As I opened the door I saw my husband biting her lips while kissing her and then I saw him sucking on her cheeks like in a kissing way. I screamed at him and took her from him and I said you can't be that rough with her, she's just a baby...look she's scared she doesn't know you are kissing her. You're hurting her !!! I was so mad and hurt. My heart broke in a million pieces, how could my baby have all these marks on her ? It's the worst feeling in the world. Anyway, I told him be more careful and I went on like usual. It just didn't register right away that he was abusing her. It didn't make sense. He loved her a lot. He always was happy to see her, he always took good care feeding her bathing and massaging her. I never had to get onto him about helping me with her, when he came home from work at night he was so happy and excited to see her. But then it kept happening. Finally I realized this is not ok, this is not normal and I kicked him out and changed the locks. I told him don't come back unless its to tell me to check you into rehab. At this point I thought when he was doing this it must be that he's drunk and doesn't realize how much force he's using. To make a ling story short. He came back after a few days and said that he loves us and he wants to be a good father and husband and please help him. So of course I let him back in agreement that he was going to rehab right away and he was to stop everything cold turkey right then and there. He agreed. It wasn't as easy as I thought finding a rehab for him to go to right away. The first two or three days I was so proud of him he was going through hell physically and mentally but he wasn't using. I thought this is gonna happen he wants it, we are gonna be fine. We will all get healthier and we will stay together as a family. But on the third or fourth day, I cant remember, he was losing control. He had decided that he was going out with his drug and drinking buddies. I knew what that meant...relapse. 1000% So we started fighting. I said some pretty mean things and he hit me in the mouth and then grabbed a chair and threw it. Then he left to go to his friends. I didn't know what to do. My mouth was busted up. I'm pretty sure the neighbors had heard. So I called a church friend and asked her what I should do. She said if you don't call the police and someone finds out what happened, child protective services will come take the baby away. So I called them. He was arrested that night and held. The next morning the police and CPS showed up at my door saying that I failed to protect my daughter by allowing a domestic violence incident occur in the home where the child resides, and they had to take her and there will be a court date soon. Anyway, long story short. My husband got out of jail a month later. Sober and sorry. Be being completely vulnerable, I took him back and we started fighting to get our daughter back. We went to classes and other things for a year. Soon we started to realize we were so young and screwed up maybe we weren't good parents for our daughter, so we relinquished our rights and chose a family to adopt her. My husband and I both went down hill after that hard and fast. Neither one could forgive ourselves or overcome our demons. He went to harder drugs and drank more and I tried so many suicide attempts. I finally left and tried to have a better life. It's been three years. And I still can't stop missing him and my daughter. I know its easy to see this and judge him and me both. But I know all of him and he always was loving and took good care of us. Yes there were bad really bad and insane moments. But I see him living his life now and seems so much better. Am I a monster for missing him ? For loving him ? Am I a monster for not protecting my daughter ? I can't get over this. I struggle daily now. I never loved anyone or anything as I did my little family. Now we are gone and destroyed. When will I heal ? Would it be completely insane to get back with him and try again ? It would be...I know. When will I stop loving him ? When will I stop missing them both ? When will I be able to heal from all of this ?

I wish i knew what to say to you so that I wouldn't get angry. But how can you possibly love this man? After everything that has happened, how can you possibly love him.

You've LOST YOUR DAUGHTER!! Have you really let that get thru to you? Or does this "love" for him keep you from seeing the severity of what happened? This little BABY was abused by this monster -- yes, he's a monster! And you let him back in the house!!!

I hope and pray you'll get some therapy, my friend. You really should talk to someone so that you won't allow this man or someone LIKE him, to come into your home again. You're an abused woman -- you cannot let ANYONE ever abuse you again. Therapy will help you see that NO WOMAN deserves to be abused. So please seek out therapy -- it's very important that you do this. If you don't, some man may end up killing you!!

So please - make that call to a psychologist or psychiatrists office, and make an appointment, please? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

I don't know, it sounds like this man made your life hell and you ended up even having to give up your child. I think you need to focus on "your healing" and let go of this man completely. You may just be missing the "dream you had of him" but you need to wake up and realize what his "addictions cost you" which was a family. I don't see you as a monster, I see you as a very confused woman who is finally "mourning" what happened and how this relationship failed for you.

Mourning is missing, grieving, and even doubting, even being angry, going through emotions of the loss you have suffered. But these emotions are not a signal to "go back" to something either. You can "love" someone that has an addiction problem, which means they have much deeper and disfunctional problems as well, but "loving someone" doesn't mean that "being with that person is healthy for you". This is not what you have "accepted" yet, which is something you need to finally face and allow yourself to recognize the entire situation was very "disfunctional".

You need to understand the danger of allowing yourself to be included in a disfunctional relationship, that all it does is break you down, hurt you in many ways, which resulted in your trying to take your own life. Now, think about it, why on earth would going back into a relationship like that be "good for anyone"? You need to explore "you" more and your past and why you "accept abusive people" somehow. There is a reason for this and you need to understand it and work on "healing that broken part of you, finally, and decide to learn and grow now".

I hope you are seeing a therapist, if not then you need to find one so you can finally address the things about yourself that needs to finally understand that you don't have to devalue yourself so you can avoid any future "bad or disfunctional" relationships.

Yes I do realize I lost her. Sometimes it hits me so hard and I feel like the worst lowest person in the world. I feel like a monster. How could I have let it all happen ? I have never hurt anyone in my life. In high school, I babysit my relative's children growing up and I loved them all so much. I was a straight A student and a devout Christian hoping to be a missionary. Then suddenly my life changed 100% and I didn't see a way back. You never can imagine something like that until it happens. And I realize I couldn't see really clearly everything until I left him and was away from it all. But you don't realize the conflicting feelings that can happen afterwards. Most of the time I see everything clearly and I hate him, I hate myself and the grief is unbearable. Sometimes I blame myself, if I hadn't done this or that maybe he wouldn't have became that person. Maybe I'm an abusive psycho and I drove him to madness. Then sometimes I see a picture of him smiling and then I hear he's graduating college soon and my mind thinks look at me, I can't get out of bed, I can't hold down a job...when was the last time I smiled ? And then I start remembering how he loved me and took care of me when things were good and I just think what if the joke is on me ? What if everything is my fault ? It's hard to explain. I understand what you said and I agree. But its not as simple as that as I've learned the hard way. Yes I need to go to therapy. I will as soon as I'm able to financially. This is the first time I've spoken of this publically. I'm ashamed and scared to tell others. What if the therapist reacts just the way you did ? Angry at how I could be so screwed and let that happen to my daughter.

I apologize for reacting the way I did. I was wrong. I didn't live the life you did, so I had no right to judge.

You've been thru a terrible ordeal, and this man manipulated you something terrible. YOU are not the monster, believe me. But I won't way that HE isn't. Any man that puts his hands on a woman in anger is a monster in my book. And especially since he HURT your little BABY!!! I just cannot fathom that, and in no way can I look past that.

I hope you can see your way clear soon in getting some help. Can you check with social services and see if they have a program for mental health services? Perhaps they could help you in getting some help. Or they might be able to put you in touch with someone who can help. You really do need some counseling to get you out of the hell that you're living. I know you're suffering, and I hate to think of you living like this.

Please don't punish yourself anymore. You did what you thought best for your daughter, and when you think about it, it probably WAS the best for her. I'm sure she has great parents -- people who have wanted a child for years and couldn't have one. So rest assured that she's getting everything and more that she needs. And let YOUR mind rest that you DID do the right thing. You're not a psycho, my friend. You just need a little help. Please feel free to message me anytime, will you? My daughter gave up a baby when she was 16 yrs old -- that was 21 yrs ago, and since then the "child" has gotten in contact with her. They've met, and have a relationship. So sometimes things turn out great! God bless you and please take care. Hugs, Lee PS -- please forgive me???

Dear Lee, thank you for both of your posts. There is no need for forgiveness you didn't say anything wrong. Your reaction is as it should be. It's my filters that are off, otherwise none of it would've happened in the first place. I am dieing to get help and I will. I went to the state run facilities a few years ago and I was diagnosed as bipolar and post traumatic stress disorder, given a lot of meds that didn't do anything and offered either 4 individual sessions or 8 week group sessions. I chose group because for some reason I thought that was better. I didn't get much out of that and I never said anything about this stuff. I think there is another place that does like $15 a session. I think I'll try that out. I'm scared and nervous about it. But you are right I can't heal from this alone. I'm grateful to you, please don't feel bad.

BlueFish,
Please try not to be so hard on yourself. With regards to your baby, and as Lee said, you did what was best for the baby at the time. I cannot imagine how painful that must be, but try to take heart from that fact that you have given that baby the opportunity for a better life than you were able to provide at that time.

You now need to concentrate on yourself, and getting better. You made the right decision to leave three years ago and now have the opportunity to live your life as he is now living his. In time, I'm sure you'll meet a decent bloke and start a new, stable and happy family of your own.

My thoughts are with you.

" Maybe I'm an abusive psycho and I drove him to madness. Then sometimes I see a picture of him smiling and then I hear he's graduating college soon and my mind thinks look at me, I can't get out of bed, I can't hold down a job...when was the last time I smiled " quote bluefish

This internal conversation is "bargaining" which is what those with PTSD tend to do and it only makes them worse, hense the situation you are in where you can't get out of bed and feel lost.

Just because you see your ex smiling and graduating from college, doesn't mean he has gotten his life together and is "a better more functional person". There are lots of people that graduate college and are still very "disfunctional" and are not able to be reliable in a relationship.

What happened in your relationship was something you honestly didn't see coming and didn't have the life skills to understand it for what it was. It sounds like you were a high achiever and had a strong religious mindset, but you were not able to understand how disfunctional your husband really was. You had a lot of things happen that you never imagined and you really lost your way and ended up losing so much too. The fact that you are where you are and "self blaming" and even wondering if you are the one at fault, is typical of PTSD that is stemming from having something happen that you honestly never anticipated.

I suggest that you get help, you really cannot "heal" from this until you have access to someone who understands PTSD and can show you where your thinking patterns are confused and not helping you at all. You may not be struggling with Bipolar either, it may all be due to PTSD, which has the ups and downs that can appear to look like someone is also Bipolar. PTSD has cycles to it similar to Bipolar, so my suggestion is to get a more accurate diagnoses as well as a therapist who specializes in treating PTSD patients.

I have a therapist myself that understands PTSD and has treated lots of patients that struggle like myself, and like you are saying how you are challenged. I personally found my T to help me alot better than just a regular T because he does understand the PTSD cycles and has helped me to understand it better as well so I can learn to gain more control over it verses just assuming that I was going to be controlled by the PTSD and the kind of thought processes you are discussing.

Right now, nothing is more important than "you getting the help you need". You can't let your worry about a therapist seeing you as a monster. A qualified therapist will not see you that way at all. You are a victim here, and a good therapist will clearly recognize that and will work on helping you understand that as well.

Open Eyes

Thank you to all for your help. Means so much !

(((bluefish)),

I am glad you are feeling a little better now that you opened up and tested the waters here. You need to start climbing out of bed and find a good therapist and get going on your healing now. You have a bright mind and you have "faith" in you too, so you have to do some "self care here" and get your life back on track.

I am very sorry that you had all that happen to you. I had things happen to me that I never saw coming either, nor did I have enough knowledge at the time to understand the very real challenges that alcoholism can bring. I can't blame you for having a sense of guilt, but honestly, you just didn't know.

Well, life can sure throws some surprises, but we all have to learn to dust ourselves off and get back up and "learn" what happened, how to make sure we see it right as well so we don't let it happen again. It is important to grieve, get comforted, validated and then comit to grow past it all and head forward again. You can do this, you really can.

(((Hugs)))