[growlithing]

Tomorrow (July 3) is my 20th birthday and I feel like a total loser. I don't have my driver's license, I've never had a job, and I've never been in a relationship/hooked up/or even been in a situation where that could have happened.

Intelligently, I understand why I haven't done these things. I don't have my license because I'm scared of driving, I've never had a job because I'm in college and mooching off of my "family", I've never been with a guy because I'm scared of talking to men, haven't found the right one, and I'm unattractive enough that boys used to dare each other to ask me out. But even though I understand it, I still feel left behind. I got to watch all of my friends go through these major life milestones. When's it my turn?

Hang in there! You're still young! You've got plenty of time to do all of these things. Get your college done. That's what's most important. Take care! Keep posting!

[InfiniteSadness]

i feel like a loser too, life's hard

There's never a loser until the game is over. Oh crap that sounds so lame, sorry.
I think you can get a learners permit even if you never use it to drive.
You could get a job theoretically even though you're in college.
The guy thing... what will be will be.
Hope you have a happy birthday

[A_Space_Between]

Happy Birthday!

Have you thought of volunteering in something related to your field of study? It would help build your resume, and maybe also give you a reference, or lead to a job. You'd also benefit from learning new skills.

I'm not sure I'd worry too much about not having a job right this moment. The economy is terrible! But you could take some time to network with others in your field.

[sewerrats]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Tomorrow (July 3) is my 20th birthday and I feel like a total loser. I don't have my driver's license, I've never had a job, and I've never been in a relationship/hooked up/or even been in a situation where that could have happened.

Intelligently, I understand why I haven't done these things. I don't have my license because I'm scared of driving, I've never had a job because I'm in college and mooching off of my "family", I've never been with a guy because I'm scared of talking to men, haven't found the right one, and I'm unattractive enough that boys used to dare each other to ask me out. But even though I understand it, I still feel left behind. I got to watch all of my friends go through these major life milestones. When's it my turn?

It already is you just never took a chance.

[tinyrabbit]

You're not a loser. You're a work in progress - just like everyone else.

The way I see it, you have so much potential, and so much to look forward to.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A_Space_Between

Happy Birthday!

Have you thought of volunteering in something related to your field of study? It would help build your resume, and maybe also give you a reference, or lead to a job. You'd also benefit from learning new skills.

I'm not sure I'd worry too much about not having a job right this moment. The economy is terrible! But you could take some time to network with others in your field.

lol you can't really volunteer in music. I spend most of my time networking and practicing but I wasn't talking about getting a job in my field of study. If I manage to get that job, it'd be in at least 3-4 years or so. I was just talking about how once you reach a certain age, not having any sort of job makes you a loser unless you are searching for one 24/7 which I am not.

Not a loser!! You still have plenty of time to do all those things!, you are still very very young. You have lots of time.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

You're not a loser. You're a work in progress - just like everyone else.

The way I see it, you have so much potential, and so much to look forward to.

I'm beginning to hate the word "potential". People always tell me that I have a lot of "potential" as a person, as a musician, as everything. "You have such great potential to be a great musician". "You have potential to be an attractive woman once you fix your weight and clothing". "You have potential to be a great girlfriend that guys would want". That's great. I've had potential for 20 years now. When do I actually get to be good? Is there some point that your potential actually becomes something or is your potential something that is never realized until you're lying on your death bed and looking back on your life?

And what about my potential to be in the exact same place 20 years from now? No one ever talks about that kind of potential. Sure, I have potential to be a successful human being, but I also have potential to die alone on the streets in two years. I also have potential to walk out of my house tomorrow morning and get hit by a car and die and my funeral, everyone would say "oh she had such great potential". Wow so sad that I'm dead. I could have amounted to something but never did wow what a waste of my life.

Maybe I'm being overly cynical or just excessively impatient, but it's so frustrating watching and listening to your friends talk about their relationships/exes, talking to people who don't know you very well and they make some sort of covert statement about how I'd know how relationships are, or your older friends talk about getting engaged when you're convinced you'll probably be at least 25 before having your first kiss. It's like I've been on this earth for two decades and not a single person has found me at all desirable even when they're drunk.

[Hellion]

I feel like a loser as well I am 23 and will be 24 in august. I graduated highschool which I don't see as such an accomplishment I should have dropped out and got a job or something going to public school did more harm than good. I've dropped out of college and am in no way functional enough for a job.....So I am kind of stuck trying to get on SSI and state assistance(I do have food stamps at least) and living at my moms house in the basement obviously.

I have had a few short relationships that never worked out, I don't think having gotten my first kiss or having sex before the age of 20 is much of an accomplishment it would have been preferable to find someone I actually connect with and could be with. As of now though I don't even want to try and be in any relationships because I think I'm too screwed up mentally to contribute to an intimate relationship.

I get the frustration of never seeming to get anywhere even if you try. I kind of hate being told about the potential I have...people in my family say 'potential' but potential for what insanity? having to be admitted to the psych ward repeatedly so I can make sure I don't hurt myself or someone else. I wish I could say it gets better, but I really don't know.

I don't have a lot of friends I have some close family and a few people I regard as friends but none of them are having great lives either...makes me feel even worse that I can't function well because I wish I could just get a job make some money and help me and all them but I can't.

I think sewerrats had a good answer. Life... it's waiting for you. Live it.
Carpe diem...seize the day... get it while the gettings good.
Life doesn't roll out the red carpet and have the limo door open and waiting for very many people. Most of us have to at least stick our thumbs out.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by George H.

I think sewerrats had a good answer. Life... it's waiting for you. Live it.
Carpe diem...seize the day... get it while the gettings good.
Life doesn't roll out the red carpet and have the limo door open and waiting for very many people. Most of us have to at least stick our thumbs out.

People always say that. How? How do you "seize the day" and who's to say there is anything good to be seized? And what exactly does "seizing the day" entail? Is it going out and hitting on a bunch of people? Is it staying at home and working on a project for a career? Is it playing video games all day because they just make you happy?

Don't assume I've never tried. I've approached guys before. I always get rejected and I can't handle much more rejection in my life. I've already been rejected by my family and society. I already feel like enough of a mistake without a bunch of men to confirm it. I've tried to practice drive but I just get terrified or no one will take me out. I've even gone so far as to schedule practice driving sessions with private instructors. I work on my craft for hours every day, I network constantly, and I do some extremely small amounts of freelance work. I'm actually at something like an internship as I speak. Don't think that I'm expecting my life just to get better without any effort.

I already know my problem and it's not a lack of trying. I can't get guys because I'm scared of men, I have a horrible self image, and I have about zero self confidence/self worth. I don't have a license because I'm scared of driving. I don't have a job because I don't absolutely need one and I'm working towards my dream job.

I agree with both you and sewerrats. The problem is me and I need to fix it. But stating that is unhelpful because I don't know how and even if I did, that doesn't take away from my feelings of wasting my childhood/adolescence and feelings of being a loser.

You're in college and you have friends, so you are accepted by others and you are working towards major life goals. You're not even close to being a loser.

[dillpickle1983]

Don't feel bad. I turn 30 July 28th. I'm still a virgin. Yep. I said it. It's out there. Yep. Now I'm embarrassed. Can't believe I put that out in public. Thankfully this isn't fakebook.
I know about the self image thing too. The self worth thing is pretty low with me too. Self esteem is in the trashcan too. But I try not to let it get me down. Even with my faults, my inexperience I don't think of myself as a loser, and you shouldn't either. Just my 2 cents.

I have never had any friends . . . my only 'relationships' have been extremely limited, and really nothing more than casual sex with someone I cared about. She never accepted me for who I was, or as an equal. I'd rather have a friendship than a relationship at this point.

[manwithnofriends]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Tomorrow (July 3) is my 20th birthday and I feel like a total loser. I don't have my driver's license, I've never had a job, and I've never been in a relationship/hooked up/or even been in a situation where that could have happened.

Intelligently, I understand why I haven't done these things. I don't have my license because I'm scared of driving, I've never had a job because I'm in college and mooching off of my "family", I've never been with a guy because I'm scared of talking to men, haven't found the right one, and I'm unattractive enough that boys used to dare each other to ask me out. But even though I understand it, I still feel left behind. I got to watch all of my friends go through these major life milestones. When's it my turn?

That's not being a "loser". If you live somewhere with good transport links you definitely don't need to drive. And by college do you mean university? I'm sure university is also supposed to help you find a job. And don't be pressured into having a relationship - I know a much older person (age 48) who's never had one and he's fine with that.

EDIT: Oh, you're in an internship? That's one step closer to getting a job then.

[patchwork5]

Your job is anything you've assumed responsibility for. I have a friend who bemoans being unemployed for 7 years now, and I always point out to him that people pay him for his artwork. Granted, on an hourly basis he's not making anything like a living wage, but there is something he does that has value to other people that they choose to show with money. If you're into music, consider busking (if you're a performer). Again, you may not make a lot of money, but there will be something you do that people show their appreciation for. If no one will hire you, make it your job to improve the atmosphere of a certain place in town 15 hours a week or so.

I love being able to hear the flautist at the train station, and I pay him on my weekly trips through. I used to love coming out of a movie theatre to be greeted with live violins (people on dates at the movies like to make romantic gestures. Be a romantic gesture in the making, perhaps.)

Having said all that, sweetie, I think you're doing ok. You don't need a job right now, so having no job is better than having a crap job you don't love. A driver's license is convenient, but not essential - I'm 37 and have never had one. Granted, I prefer to stick to urban centers, but the lack is sometimes annoying but never a serious hardship. If you want to start driving, try practicing in the dead of night when there are fewer cars around, especially if you can get out to a rural area. And guys...well, I think many people are still in that position at 20, and I think that's ok. I'm sure you're prettier than you think you are, but, well, sometimes it's slow, hard going finding the right relationship. I'm sure you could get random hookups if you just wanted that...and I'm also sure that your life won't actually be missing anything if you decide not to.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

That's not being a "loser". If you live somewhere with good transport links you definitely don't need to drive. And by college do you mean university? I'm sure university is also supposed to help you find a job. And don't be pressured into having a relationship - I know a much older person (age 48) who's never had one and he's fine with that.

I mean music conservatory so no I will have no help finding a job.

That's great that he's fine with that. I'm not and I won't be when I'm 48. I don't feel pressured to have a relationship. Well, maybe I do but not completely because of society. I just want someone to love me and someone for me to love back. I want to know what it feels like to be held by a man. I also want someone to be sexual with.

[EDIT] it's not actually an internship. It's an orchestral festival which can probably be somewhat loosely compared to an internship for someone who doesn't know what an orchestra festival is.

[manwithnofriends]

Wow, that's a quick reply! (I'm taking too long to reply back, I know, so this might already be stated) Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you "need love". It's easy to be taken advantage of in this way. Some men in the world "read" women like they're books, I've heard.

I still don't know what you mean by orchestra festival - is it a gathering of many orchestras?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

Wow, that's a quick reply! (I'm taking too long to reply back, I know, so this might already be stated) Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you "need love". It's easy to be taken advantage of in this way. Some men in the world "read" women like they're books, I've heard.

I still don't know what you mean by orchestra festival - is it a gathering of many orchestras?

Everyone needs to be loved. I know that often times men take advantage of people like me and just use them for sex. Part of me feels like if that happened, at least I'd be attractive enough to be used.

No. It's a college level orchestra program that plays in the summer. There are a bunch of them throughout the US and the rest of the world. They vary by competitiveness and program length. People audition for them during the school year. Those who are selected go to the program, play with the orchestra, and study with the professional musicians (usually professors or full time performing artists or both) on faculty.

[possum220]

If you are scared of men, how do you think your life would be living with something scarey. Dont let yourself be used, that only makes things worse in the long run and I am talking from experience.

If you are in college you are already doing something worthwhile. Something that will be part of your future. Cars are very expensive to buy and run so wait until you have a job.

Should you improve your skills on the instrument you are playing the world could be your oyster and you could travel the world as part of an orchestra. Play in the park or the streets or see if you can find a night club where you could get paid and meet people. Maybe put up a notice some-place where you could join others and get gigs and stuff. Ask to play in fancy hotel lobby's. I dunno anyplace.

Stop putting yourself on this imagined timeline. Is there anybody in your life that is giving you a hard time about not having done stuff. If there is..... tell them to stop it. Please try and ease up on yourself and enjoy the time you do have. Is there anything that you do want to do? 20 still is young. You are still changing.

What instrument do you play?

You are NOT a loser. You are skilled and talented and deserve your place in this world as you are.

Okay, let me see if I'm getting the gist of this. The relationship thing is the primary focus here? That's the main vibe I'm picking up here.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by possum220

If you are scared of men, how do you think your life would be living with something scarey. Dont let yourself be used, that only makes things worse in the long run and I am talking from experience.

If you are in college you are already doing something worthwhile. Something that will be part of your future. Cars are very expensive to buy and run so wait until you have a job.

Should you improve your skills on the instrument you are playing the world could be your oyster and you could travel the world as part of an orchestra. Play in the park or the streets or see if you can find a night club where you could get paid and meet people. Maybe put up a notice some-place where you could join others and get gigs and stuff. Ask to play in fancy hotel lobby's. I dunno anyplace.

Stop putting yourself on this imagined timeline. Is there anybody in your life that is giving you a hard time about not having done stuff. If there is..... tell them to stop it. Please try and ease up on yourself and enjoy the time you do have. Is there anything that you do want to do? 20 still is young. You are still changing.

What instrument do you play?

You are NOT a loser. You are skilled and talented and deserve your place in this world as you are.

I'm scared of men because I'm scared of falling for them and being rejected. I don't necessarily want to be used.

I play trumpet and lol that's not how it works at all for a classical/orchestral musician. I get referred to play weddings, funerals, church services and other odd jobs (like benefit concerts) via my school or a colleague recommending me. The job I really want is an orchestral job. It is a real job with a salary and health benefits. You win those jobs via an audition. So no playing on the streets or nightclubs for me haha

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by George H.

Okay, let me see if I'm getting the gist of this. The relationship thing is the primary focus here? That's the main vibe I'm picking up here.

Yeah, I have viable excuses for the other stuff. They just contribute to my strong sense of failure. I can't come up with a good reason why I've never been with a guy. I'm a girl. It's supposed to be easier for us to at least find someone interested at some level.

Maybe the primary focus is actually that I feel like I was completely robbed of my childhood and adolescence and I'm mourning that. I missed out on everything that teenagers are "supposed" to experience.