[Brazen]

This is first time for me on a forum. Kinda nervous but I think it may help. I am currently separated from my wife who is undergoing heavy counseling and mental health treatment for depression. We are not separated in anyway other than living apart due to her volatile nature. We are still actively working on our marriage. She has been diagnosed and taking Wellbutrin along with a few other anti anxiety and nightmare prevention meds. She also is taking sleeping pills.

That said, I have done hundreds of hours of research on depression and anxiety in trying to help and understand her needs. However I can't seem to do anything right. I'm accused constantly of not understanding and being emotionally abusive. Behind my back she has charged up roughly 54k in credit card bills. This was the major cause of our living apart. If I even remotely question a decision she's made I'm labeled an abuser.

This all started after a family member whom she was not close to but should have been and regrets not being was killed in a car crash.

My confusion is that I'm starting to question my own thoughts and actions. I know I'm not an abuser, I love her dearly. But after being accused constantly I'm starting to feel lost and a lot of self doubt. And I am honestly sincerely trying to see her side and its just not rational. I'm getting tired of trying to help her. She's mixing prescription pain pills and wine with her other meds. Her actions are totally random. She asked me if I thought her having a sexual encounter with a woman would be cheating to me.

I want out but my conscious wont let me leave because I feel guilty leaving someone with a mental illness. She just told me recently that she was molested by her brother. I honestly don't believe it. But it makes me feel guilty that I don't believe it.

I want out and soon. But why do I feel like the bad guy and guilty and responsible for it all? Why can't I just walk away?

[gayleggg]

Hi Brazen. It is very difficult to live with a mentally ill person. And sounds like your wife is severly ill. I hope you seek counseling for yourself. I can understand that leaving her would leave you feeling guilty and like the bad guy but you are not responsible for her illness. Maybe counseling could help you sort your feelings and help you make a desision you can live with.
Gayle

[Webgoji]

My guess is you feel guilty because you understand that underneath it all is the person you love, you can't help her and you can't even join her. It's just my opinion though.

I would certainly suggest considering a therapist for yourself as well. Dealing with this isn't something you should take on by yourself.

[Brazen]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

My guess is you feel guilty because you understand that underneath it all is the person you love, you can't help her and you can't even join her. It's just my opinion though.

I would certainly suggest considering a therapist for yourself as well. Dealing with this isn't something you should take on by yourself.

I have started seeing one and its just more confusion. I'm told to take care of myself and the kids first. But my gut keeps me focused on my wife. And this is to our detriment. Your absolutely correct that deep down under all of her illness and symptoms is the woman I love. It feels a lot like my wife died. She's still here but I can't find her. I'm mourning the marriage and loss of her while she's staring at me. I really am afraid of what will happen if I leave but terrified now of staying. It's been a few months since she last threatened suicide so I've had a welcome break from that. I am a grown man with zero ability to fix anything. I feel hopeless and like a failure. But the logical side of me says opposite. It just that the emotions are so strong. I get the courage and resolve to move on and start the process but then she smiles promises and all my resolutions and decisions become sand in my hands falling away even faster as I try and hold on and remember them . This whole situation is like a joke. I anticipate her next move and bam she on the other side of the street. All I can do is throw up.

[Webgoji]

My heart and prayers go out to you.

[kindachaotic]

So very sad you & your children are going thru this.
Just throwing this out there--is there a possibility of some co-dependence keeping a lot of this circuling round & round?
We're not professionals but maybe something to be brought up in therapy.
Know you love her or love who she was, but agree you can't fix her.
Don't know ages of your kids but they are affected by this turmoil.
They may seem resilient now but this will shape who they are, now & in the future.
Only wish you the best in this difficult journey.

[IowaFarmGal]

Hello Brazen, Welcome to Psych Central! I'm so sorry you and the kids are going through this. I hope you will be able to pull yourself and the kids out of her orbit and build some stability for yourselves away from her.

[spondiferous]

Welcome Brazen. You are in a tough position for sure and my heart goes out to you. It's hard to have people with mental health issues that are close to us and we can't do much for them. It sounds to me like you have done everything you can to help your wife, though, and I have to admit that I agree that you should focus on yourself and your kids. I'm not saying to never think about your wife, or feel bad for her, or want to help, or whatever. But it sounds like you are making her problems your own and, other than how they affect you personally, they are not your problems.
It can be really really tricky to separate the two. But the more you try to assume the role of your wife's caretaker - and, by the sounds of it, emotional whipping post (not a judgement, just an observation, by what you posted originally) - the more insane your life will get and the less you will be able to extricate yourself from the situation.
Unfortunately your wife is ill and needs help. The only people who can help her stabilize are medical professionals. You have tried that already and it has been unsuccessful. You can be there, cheering her on, but it sounds like right now she needs room and time to heal. And so do you.
I hope you find some support here, and that you are getting adequate support elsewhere as well.

[ultramar]

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I admire you for sticking by her, but it's important to keep in mind that you can't 'fix' her. It sounds like she needs a lot of counseling, and perhaps for a long time.

Something I notice is that, in putting you in the role of 'abuser,' (assuming this isn't true, benefit of the doubt and all that) it sounds like she is casting herself in the 'victim' role. If this is the case, it seems it will be difficult for her to take responsibility for her actions, if she blames them on you.

Would it be possible to go into couple's counseling -at least for the sake of yourself and the kids? Unfortunately, such instability can end up affecting kids for a long time to come. This is not your fault, but I would suggest getting help. Good luck!

[gma45]

I too am so sorry for what you are having to go through. I do have to agree with ultramar about her casting herself as the victim and if she has done this there is no way she is going to change. She will just blame everyone else. Mixing wine with her meds is really asking for trouble. I bet you feel like you are just walking on egg shells around her and that is no way to live for you or the kids. I hope this may help in some small way to know that people do care and are here for you. I wish you the best.