[k_gafoor]

This is going to be pretty lengthy so I would appreciate anybody who reads all of it, especially since even over the internet I am quite shy so it isn’t easy for me to express myself.

Hi, I’m 17 yrs old and I just started community college this year.

I fear that I may be suffering from a variety of disorders and I have done quite a bit of research on the net to find out about them. Everything that I may have is undiagnosed because I am too embarrassed and shy to contact anyone about my problems. These are things I feel I may be suffering from.

Asperger’s Syndrome
Social Anxiety Disorder
Avoidant Personality Disorder
People Phobia
Clinical Depression

I’ve taken dozens of online tests and I am sure that I need serious help. For example if the test says if you scored 50 or above you have severe depression, I would score something like 75. It happened with each test I took. I also fear I may have some sort of learning disability.

I feel as if I may have had a disorder pretty much my whole life, it’s only been really in the past year-year and a half that I have felt as if they have had made themselves apparent. This is because in high school I had a lot of friends but I was expelled (I would rather not disclose those details) and so my parents decided that I should come to America to live with my brother and his girlfriend and go to community college.

Now I have been to school for 2 and a half weeks and I haven’t even had a conversation with anyone at all (not even hi). I am not understanding some of my work and I am too anxious to talk to the professor about what it is I don’t understand. My brother keeps telling me I am a freak of nature and I can tell all his friends think the same thing even if they don’t say it. On top of that I am in a foreign country so it makes life even more difficult for me.

I have thought about seeing a therapist or psychologist but as I said before, I am incredibly embarrassed and shy. I can’t even look people in the eye. I would also consider going to a therapy group session but I don’t really know where to start. I have never felt like a loner before this and between my classes I am so anxious that I hide in a toilet cubicle until my next class begins everyday.

I am worried that if things continue on like this then I will kicked out of the college I am currently attending and have to be flown back home. I want to return home but there are no schools I can go to there and because I can only speak English, getting a job will be nearly impossible. The fact that I am so mentally unhealthy plays a role in all of this and ultimately limits my life chances.

Suicide has been bugging my brain for the past year or so because I simply feel so hopeless and no one understands me. I’m scared that I might start hating school so much I would totally avoid it altogether and become reclusive. I find it difficult even buying things from the supermarket I am so afraid of social interaction.

If you read this far, thank you so very much, even if you don’t respond, I appreciate it to the fullest.

[eskielover]

I want to start off by letting you know that you have done a great job of expressing yourself, giving a good picture of what you seem to be going through.

I can only come up with some ideas from the information you have provided......& I am not a professional & definitely not a qualified person to say if you actually have any disorder or not since I am continually learning about my own problems that I am experiencing at 53 years old.

To start with, I would definitely say that you think from your life experiences & gut feelings that there is something going wrong with you. That is probably a pretty good indication that there is something going on.....especially with suicidal feelings that you say you have been experiencing lately. Hoplessness can definitely turn into suicidal thoughts. I know for me, when I feel there is something wrong & can't figure out how or where to get the help I need.....I have in the past (before I realized better) felt so hopeless that suicide felt like my only solution.

I have to say that in my opinion, there is a problem with taking all the tests like you have taken. There can be so many symptoms that are similar to a disorder but aren't actually that. It can end up making things look much worse than they actually are. In other words, those tests aren't there to diagnose you, only to give you some insight into what MIGHT POSSIBLY, BUT NOT NECESSARILY be what you are dealing with. I have found that the tests can show up alot of things that aren't really the true problem. The purpose of those tests are to help you get some insight & information that you can talk about with a professional who can help sort through & determine better what you are dealing with. They can narrow the symptoms down into a much more accurate diagnoses.

To be honest, without professional help, there is no way to tell what is actually the problem & sometimes, even the professionals aren't able to come up with all the answers but without them, it is impossible

From what you have said, being 17 & going to a community college, in a new, foreign country, is a huge step for anyone & that in itself can make you feel overwhelmed & afraid of what you are going through. When we feel overwhelmed, we can look back at our lives & it can look pretty bad.....otherwise we wouldn't be feeling the way we are now.

Living in a foreign country & not knowing anyone (except your brother).....I know that being shy & feeling that something was wrong with me, I probably wouldn't talk to anyone either. I would probably be afraid that if I said anything, other people would think that something was wrong with me too. As long as I didn't say anything, they wouldn't know if anything was wrong or not.

Not knowing what your highschool experience was that expelled you, that may also be effecting the way you are feeling now. Looking back at that experience may be why you feel that whatever the disorder might be is when it started to show up.

I can only provide some suggestions that I think might be able to provide you with some direction. First & most important......DON'T LISTEN to your brother calling you a "freak of nature". That is no way for him to treat you. He has no right to call you that. If he was a good brother, he should be supporting you & helping you by providing you some direction, not putting you down. He is being destructive & abusive to you. That isn't what you need to be around.

The next step is to swallow your fear (I know that is easier said than done). You need to seek professional help. I went to a community college here in California (30 years ago). They have guidance counsellors you can talk to about what you are dealing with. That is probably the best place to start with......better than talking to your professors yet. Counsellors are people you can talk to about the fact that you are having a hard time understanding some of your work. At that point, it would be the time to bring up some of the mental problems you are feeling. Going into that discussion is a good time of asking if he knows where you might be able to get some professional help with those problems.

The counsellor should be able to point you to a psychiatrist or to a place that can point you to one. A psychiatrist is the best one to diagnose what your problems actually are. They can suggest possible helpful meds & help you find an appropriate therapist/psychologist. I know for me, that once I was finally able to open up (I am shy too), now I have a much better view of what I am going through. Finding that you really AREN'T a freak definitely can help your self-esteem & they can also help you know what is really going on with you, not what might be going on. That can be a great relief.

I know the issue of being shy & not able to open up is a "HUGE" hurdle to have to go over. It is hard....there is no easy way around that. The way I have learned to look at situations like this is kinda like when I've needed a surgery. I remember that fear & when driving to the hospital....all I can think of is turning around & going home & hiding in my bed under my covers. But, I knew that isn't an option if I want to live & get better. It is important to make getting through the shy, a priority. It just has to be done & there is no other option. That doesn't stop the fear or make it better. It's just something we have to live through.

You have taken a good first step here. To realize you have a problem, & to express yourself & ask for some direction to find a way to get help. It's not always easy to know where to go for the help. Hopefully my suggestions or the suggestions of the others here, can point you in the right direction to find the help that will work for you.

Sorry for my long winded response. I hope it can be of some help. Just remember the most important thing is that you are a good person who deserves to live a life that you can feel good about yourself.

There are great people here & I'm sure that they will be able to provide you with even more ideas that might help you find what will work for you.

Take care & welcome to psych Central (PC)......life can be tough, but help is available.
Debbie

I think the advice to go see your counsellor at school is a good one. Many schools have a student mental health dept. which provides help with therapy & possibly medication or they can point you in the right direction. My daughter had a terrible time with depression her 2nd year of college & she received help from the student health center.

Another couple possibilities are to look for support groups like NAMI (National Alliance of the Mentally Ill) & DBSA (Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance). You can find local support groups on their web sites. They may be able to help you find low-cost mental health clinics or providers in your area.

I started my depression at 15 & had a couple suicide attempts during my teens & early 20's That is NOT the way to go. I've been diagnosed by a professional with bipolar & have benefitted from medication & therapy & am doing SO MUCH BETTER now. There is hope. It's good that you have reached out to us. We do understand & can tell you that you can be helped. Most of us have had extreme struggles & are in different stages of recovery now--but we are recovering & learning how to manage our illness.

As for your brother, he sounds pretty ignorant & like he would be a very difficult person to live with as you are going through these struggles so it would be good to find someone supportive to talk to & just don't discuss your fears & concerns with him, in my opinion. I couldn't talk about my depression with my father (my mother died when I was a teen). He just didn't believe it was a medical problem & kept telling me to get over it (traumatic childhood issues & low self-esteem--which inhibited me from talking to people, too).

Keep in touch & keep searching for help. That is a good sign. Be determined to get a better quality of life. You deserve it.--Suzy

[FaithisAlive]

Hello and Welcome... I can only try to imagine how difficult it is for you to be here in a new country where everything is different and you don't really know anyone. I don't count your brother just because he sounds like a typical brother.. cruel to his sister...ignore him when he says stupid things like that.

I think you have been given sound advise concerning going to a school counselor. Try to let yourself believe there isn't anything wrong with needing someone. If there is something going on that could be resolved fairly easily, then think of how much peace you will feel.

Maybe you could try something I have found to be helpful to me.I write.. symptoms... concerns.. opinions of what is going on with myself... I compiled a list of things to give to a counselor.This opened up a dialogue without me having to actually try to say it all out loud.I have issues with being scrutinized, so in a way we have the same problem...asking for help...disclosing information about ourselves.

I'm sorry you have had to hide between classe.. i would have hoped someone would reach out to you and make you feel accepted and comfortable.... please know it is safe here.. you can be yourself.. share as much as you need to.. and maybe some of the lonliness will fade...feel free to pm me if you need to talk to someone.

Everything will be alright sweetheart... hang in there..

[JustAPixie]

Hi K gafoor!

First I want to advise you to not diagnose yourself... You cannot see your problems or yourself in a different perspective, you can't put them on a table and examine them... you are too invloved. My doctor once said to me that he is so afraid when his little boy gets sick, if the poor thing starts coughing he immediately thinks it's pneumonia and rushes him to the hospital. He learned this way that he was too close to the situation to diagnose it.

I studied psychology and in our third year we did a course on abnormal behaviour psych. I though I had every disorder there is, because all the symptoms applied to me. It really worried me, and I decided to see a therapist. All of us exhibit all these symptoms of these disorder, but ask yourself this, is it stopping you from doing what you routinely do during a normal day?

It is good that you are worried about yourself.. you should be because prevention is better than cure, but don't use the internet as a tool for diagnoses, yes, it's easy and accessible etc, but you don't even know who compiled these tests and why, or if they are credible etc. On the other hand, you might have hypochondria, and for a hypochondriac the internet is the worst thing ever!

I would really urge you to see a therapist, by doing this you will be facing your fear which will help you overcome and you will get the answer you really need.

[k_gafoor]

I am so overwhelmed by the support I am getting already, thank you so very much all of you. I am unsure of what to really say because I am quite taken aback by the responses.

Thank you

[Bethsway]

welcome!! You sound alot like me...I cannot even go grocery shopping anymore...I have to send my husband...I am quite a bit older than you...but I suffer from severe depression and social anxiety...I do work but go straight to work and back again without looking anyone in the eye also...anyhow, I want to say...run...to not walk to the nearest psychiatrist...he will not make you talk until you are comfortable no matter how long it takes for you...but I guarantee he will give you meds to help make all your horrible symptoms get better...they have helped me immensely....after you are on them for a while you will be able to hold a conversation with him and also not be so afraid of being with other people...You will feel so much better if you go for help....I promise!! and until you do...we are here for support!!! Take care!! WE are here!!!

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome to PC. I went overseas for a year of college and remember how hard it was to adjust. I was afraid to ask questions and fell behind in my work. I worried about eveyone thinking I was stupid even though I did well in school at home. I understand how hard it can be and wish now I would have found`someone to talk to. I hope that you consider finding someone to help you. Feel free to PM me if you want. Please take care and I hope you start to feel better soon.

[froggie2]

Hi and Welcome. I agree. A new country, new school and no support is tough enough for any one to go through.Don't listen to negative comments they only tear you down. You are a beautiful unique person. Every one is different thats why the world is such a wonderful place to explore. I remember when I was 17 and how scared I was. Try and see a counsellor as soon as possible. Something that worked for me was to try and expand my world one small step each day. Just try and stand still and look around to see who You would like to be your friend. Its scary but I found I was so busy trying to look at people and things I would forget to be scared. I smiled at strangers at school and amazingly they smiled back and pretty soon they weren't strangers anymore. Good Luck.

[eskielover]

Hi again, don't let us overwhelm you......just take your time & think through what you are feeling. Maybe even jot down some of the things your thinking & feeling. When you feel like it, you can post. We are here to support.....& there are great people here for that. I know I joined here just about 2 years ago. I had been dealing with anxiety & depression for about 10 years at that time. Then I started having some weight loss problems again & that was when I joined here.

My mother was dealing with cancer at that time & she did some things that caused a situation that ended up in a person pulling fraud in order to get into taking care of my Mother at her home & stole all her valuable jewelry & I caught the person stealing my Mothers identity. It ended up being a trauma that I couldn't handle & I was afraid for my life especially after she had the police called to my Mothers home to accuse me of abusing my Mother & then OD'ed my Mother on Morphine. I ended up being hospitalized in the medical hospital just when my Mother died because the stress made me feel so sick I couldn't eat. I had my psychiatrist & psychologist at the time, but they too didn't think what I was going through was as serious as it actually was. Besides the weight loss problems, I had some symptoms that I just didn't understand. They were so strange & the people here helped me realize that what I was dealing with was PTSD. At that time, my psychiatrist started to realize that was what I was dealing with too.

The point I am trying to make is that I would explain the symptoms I was experiencing to my psychiatrist & he always had a term for it. At that point, I realized that it seems like everything we experience (no matter how normal or not) has a psychological name for it. What makes a diagnosis is when there are a series of symptoms that exist for a certain problem & that the problem is effecting our daily life in a negative way.

Along the same line, I have had problems with my husband for the 31 years we have been married. Over the years, the same issues continued to come up. We were both aerospace engineers & he was able to function at work. Over the years, his personality problems started getting in his way of performing successfully & his managers at one company decided that he wasn't performing well enough & fired him. Before that, he would always leave a company when he got upset with them.....before they fired him...& he would always find another job. His problems finally got in the way of his performance & when he got older, he couldn't find another job. For the last 4 years, he has been a complete pain to live with & I pointed out what it looked to be as being the problem. Initially he thought the problem was that he was depressed because he couldn't find a job. He was determined that if only someone would hire him as an engineer again that he would be able to perform like before.....so no way did he think of himself as being disabled. I have been complaining to my psychiatrist for several years now about what my husband is doing & just a few weeks ago, it came to him that my husband might be dealing with adult ADD. My psychiatrist is head of a medical trials group & had my husband check out the possibility of becoming part of the trial. He answered the questionaire & started reading the bood that my psychiatrist suggested reading about the adult ADD. It became obvious that he has been dealing with this for at least all the time we have been married & probably was why he didn't do well in college even though his IQ was extremely high. He was always using the excuse that he didn't do well because he was bored.

The point being that we all have many different symptoms that fall under many different diagnosis. It is when the symptoms join together under specific diagnoses & when a specific diagnosis gets in the way of our daily functioning that our problems need professional help.

That is why we need the professionals to determine exactly what is going on with us. They are the ones that can sit back & put the pieces together. All we can do is see the pieces, but putting them together is a whole other issue.

I know for me, the anxiety & depression I was going through wasn't helped by any meds. As a matter of fact, I have a list of about 40+ meds that were tried on me with only bad side effects to show for it & absolutely no help psychologically. For me, it takes having a great psychologist to help he get through each day. At the beginning of my depression, I too was suicidal, & have lost count of the number of times I was hospitalized for OD's. I know that after going through that, suicide definitely isn't the answer. Looking back, there is always hope & I would hate to have missed out on what I now have in my life if I had a suicide attempt that had been successful. Life is never perfect......there are always problems to deal with. What is important is realizing that help is needed & being able to ask for it.

I know when I first was first feeling horrible, I didn't know what was happening to me. I would sit in my office at work, close my door & cry all day. I went to my GP thinking I was just really sick & then they realized it was horrible anxiety attacks I was dealing with. When my insurance told me I had to go to a psychologist, I sat there, not knowing what to say. I couldn't figure out even how to answer his questions & got absolutely no where in therapy. It has taken me years to figure out how to work through therapy.....it just didn't come naturaly to me & I just didn't like to talk about myself or my thoughts.

You are definitely on the right track to realize that you have somethings going on with you. Hopefully here you will feel comfortable enough to be able to open up some & as you are able to deal with your shyness, it will all come together for you. It just takes time & patience....& there are alot of great people here & we are here to listen when you feel like talking. There is also the PM ability if you feel like expressing your thoughts to a specific person rather than to everyone.

We are here for you & hope things start looking better for you,
Debbie