[ARainyDawn]

I was doing so well this week. I was on a high. Life felt great. I was carefree. Then I went to the psychiatrist today and completed messed everything up. Now I'm thinking about dying again.

I talked to a psychiatrist today, but I told a lot of lies. I didn't mean too, I somehow didn't answer the questions truthfully. I hate this about myself. I always leave the most out important information or do stupid things like this on accident.

I didn't tell her that I thinking about suicide almost on a daily basis, or that I get urges to self harm. I even called back and told her I "think about dying." I couldn't get the words out of my mouth, so she didn't quite get what I meant. I'm guessing she thinks I'm actually doing a lot better than I am.

I still feel like I'm going to fall apart any day now. I feel like my next week is going to be hell, after having such a great past few days. I can't rewind a few hours and change how I answer the questionnaire and how I answer her questions. Anything to do?

If you have her email address and are welcome to write her, sometime writing the truth is easier than saying it in the recipient's presence. I have a huge hard time with this and writing has always helped me communicate more effectively. You should tell someone even if you can't bring yourself to tell your T yet. Maybe even practice in your head or in the mirror perhaps. What's the worst that could happen if you tell your T or someone else? What's the worst that could happen if you do not? The risks far outweigh the potential adversities or discomfort. Sometimes I have expected, and really just hoped, that others could just read my mind or "know me" well enough to recognize when I am in danger and need help, but it ain't happened yet and I wouldn't hold my breath. Try being honest, I did NOT think it would work out as well as it has for my own life. It is like changing a habit. We lie to hide the truth because of fear. But the lies of course do no good in an overwhelming majority of cases. Instead of dishonesty as a defense, I'm trying to train myself to stop "automatic" lie responses, although this has been a long and diligent process I am at least aware of it now and have reduced it. Maybe your doctor will be able to help you, or someone else who cares about you. We do

[Gus1234U]

you could copy and paste this post into an email or a fax and send it to her, that should break the ice. also, you might see if you can find a 'peer support center' often called an Independent Living Center (NOT to be confused with a residential center~!), and ask one of them to go with you or help you to communicate.

you know, many of us are well trained to fear authorities and doctors, and teachers, fear the punishment that truth often brings, and the helplessness to say what will and won't be done to us~! that is what an advocate is for.

there is also, in every state, a program called the Ombuds Program, one for nursing homes, and one for mental health. if you can find that number, they are mandated to advise and assist you to gain the proper mental health treatment.

best wishes~
Gus

[HealingNSuffering]

I do the same thing I get real anxious at the psychiatrist and can't say what's really on my mind. Or even worse, I'll feel like crap all the way up until my meeting with my T or Psychiatrist and suddenly the mood changes to "fine and dandy" all the sudden for a couple days. I've even done this with my physical health to not just mental health. I find that writing down a letter, list of symptoms or just take notes and first thing I do when I get to the doctor hand him the note. Its a lot easier handing them a piece of paper than it is to spill the beans with my words. Hope you get the help you need soon!

[ARainyDawn]

HealingNSuffering, that is exactly what happened. I was feeling awful up until last Wednesday, to the point that I was seriously considering quitting my job. I woke up on Monday and my life was GRAND. It was never been in a better mood in my life. I had so energy coursing though my veins. I felt I didn't have any problems at all and everything was great. I felt like that right up until I left the psychiatrist today and realized I hadn't told her everything.

The thing is I'm never going to go back and see her again, so I don't see a point in telling her all of this now. This adds to my sense that I ruined everything.

After a few hours, I'm in a great mood again. I'm not interested in dying

[HealingNSuffering]

Glad that you are not interested in dying! I know how that feels, I'm glad my attempts failed, I am here for a reason. My last psychiatrist meeting was the same way, he thinks I'm doing better than I am, he even said he is proud of me. If you are not going to see her again I assume you are not taking any medication? Or are you thinking of seeing a new psychiatrist after this? Maybe you should try talk therapy, its a less invasive form of treatment. My last therapy session I spilled the beans because I trust my therapist more than I trust the psychiatrist. My next meeting with the psychiatrist is scheduled for December, but I can call him at any time and schedule an appointment in case things get too out of control. I've been considering this because my T suggested after I spilled the beans on what's really been going on, I should "accept that I have a medical condition that needs medication" which made me feel kind of bad. She wasn't telling me anything I didn't know, but my attitude at this point is still "wait and see" I'm hoping it will just go away with time and patience.

If you do go see another psychiatrist, write down a list of symptoms you've been having, write them a letter and hand it to them. I have "atypical" depression, which means I can enjoy myself when the opportunity arises. Which helps me still be able to be somewhat functional when I'm depressed, but it usually seems to last forever.

[hartbroken]

I'm hoping you can find, somehow, peace and happiness that transcends all fears and troubles. Remember that mental illness cycles - that high, as well as the lows, will probably come back to you at different times and situations. Here's to the best for you!

[Ghaperat]

Throughout life's journeys you will encounter Saints as well as the Heartless