Please don't get mad or upset over my question..

Radio cbt IS GOOD and so is.....

oh yesssssssss lots of

Thanks (((((( myself )))))))))...

Years ago when in therapy I asked my mother if I was sick or had a high fever when a child, thinking that maybe some illness contributed to my lack of memories.. She said no. She said I was healthy as a kid. And if she perhaps dropped me on my head, she would never admit it.. lol

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It means you're not ready to know whatever you think is written because the memories are too painful,

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OMG you are right. I could not fall asleep so I was laying on the sofa thinking. And this one extreme painful time ( as an adult) in my life came to my mind. So I starting thinking about that time in my life. And I discovered there are blanks. The pieces I can not connect to are the most painful. That part of the memory is gone. Just like the childhood memories.

I hide my pain. It is true. I can understand now. The extreme painful times in my adult life, I know they happened. I just don't have access to the pain and pieces of the experience seem to have vanished... I do believe this is a pattern.....The not so extreme painful memories I have access to. I can remember all that happened.. Wow... I do believe the light bulb just turned on... The reason I can not remember much about my childhood is because it is too painful for me to accept.. First time I can say that I have acknowledged or recognized or internalized this to be the why... OMG..

(((((((( radio_flyer )))))))

I wish I could give you more sound advice, but a hug would have to do!!!!

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radio_flyer said:
Soooooo whyyyyyyy is it so important to dig up memories that have well been forgotten....??????????

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The question is . . . does the mind really forget?

Who I am today is a result of my past experiences. I've had a lot of hurts.

(1) My past hurts have taught me how to relate to other people. I'm distrustful of others. I have low self-esteem. I'm not assertive. I'm overly sensitive.

(2) My past hurts have shaped my attitudes and behaviors. I have health, sleeping, and eating problems. I have anger . . . a lot of anger. I easily lose hope when things get tough.

All my adult problems I create in my life are either a direct or indirect result of my past hurts because each thing listed in #1 and #2 above.

I think my anger issues (from past hurts) are the core to all my issues (problems today). How can I resolve my anger without digging up the past?

Two examples below:

Am I angry at my husband OR am I REALLY angry at the monsters (men) who have sexually assaulted me???

Am I angry at a person who isn't listening to me (in the present) OR am I REALLY angry at my mother (from the past) for not hearing me try to ask for help, to protect me from my sexually abusive father??


I hope you find peace (((((((((radioflyer)))))))))).

Jennie, thank you for putting it into a clear, consice nutshell!!

With 10 plus years of therapy...

(1) My past hurts have taught me how to relate to other people.

I'm distrustful of others. - Overly suspicious of other's motives.

I have low self-esteem. - I've learned that I AM worthy and not nearly as stupid as I was led to believe.

I'm not assertive. - I was agressive and angry.

I'm overly sensitive. I've learned that not everything, but more likely, damn little is about me.

(2) My past hurts have shaped my attitudes and behaviors. - I've learned that there are better attitudes and behaviors.

I have health, sleeping, and eating problems. I have anger . . . a lot of anger. - All my motivation, my perceptions were colored by my anger. I lashed out at people for no reason. THEY were not the cause of my anger. I learned what that cause was but I've also learned to use my anger to my own advantage.

I easily lose hope when things get tough. - Still an ongoing problem for me, too.

{{{{{{{{{{{{radio_flyer}}}}}}}}}}}}}

LOL that would be the type of reply my omo would say too.

(((((((Radioflyer))))))

Hang in there

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The reason I can not remember much about my childhood is because it is too painful for me to accept.. First time I can say that I have acknowledged or recognized or internalized this to be the why... OMG..

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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Radio_Flyer}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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I crawled in there on my hands and knees in a total state of crisis. I thought "three months tops" and I'll feel better.

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I can sooooo related to what you said. I too crawled in therapy in a total state of crisis. I did not know or understand what was happening to me. I also thought a few months in therapy and I'd be back on my feet.

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It's like those poor birds caught in oil slicks. They are covered in black slime and cannot lift their wings to fly.

And the birds have no choice, the oil slick just shows up one day and bam...they're stuck in it drowning unless someone helps scrub off the oil.

I had no control once the oil slick consumed me but I was thankful to have T there to help scrub my wings/petals

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Petunia, you are gifted with "words". I can again soooooo relate to how you explained the "oil slick, being stuck and drowning" I am just so happy you found such a good T. And that he helped clean your wings/petals..

I was not as fortunate. After 7 years, which I am ashamed to admit it took that long, I crawled out of therapy weighed down "with oil slick" wanting to die. By his digging, he only added more weight to what I already was carrying. I think my "wings" were clipped, because I have not been able to fly again.

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one has to have a therapist that is able to help and not hinder one's well being.

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I think that is the "key".. One that is able to help and not hinder one's well being...

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having the wrong type seems like it can put one back more than help---well, this all just my opinion........

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I think your opinion is a very good opinion.. And I agree. One won't know which type of therapy will work so I can understand the idea of trial and error....But I can so relate to the "wrong kind" as hindering more than helping

Hi Patty.......

umm By what my brother and sister have told me about our "homelife" growing up, it sounds pretty much the same as yours. I can honestly say I have never seen my parents fight... How can I say that when the picture I am about to explain tells a whole different story..... ???

... there is this pic of me when I was about 4 or 5 skipping across the living room. And behind me is a hand pulling the plug of the TV. OK...Mother was so mad my dad took that picture.. This is how I know mother and dad were having a "big fight" .. Because mother said they were fighting so bad that she wanted to smash the TV but instead pulled the plug. I am surprised she didn't destroy the picture . lol... I am right in the middle of the fight.. skipping along.. no expression on my face that would indicate anyone was fighting or that anything was wrong...Just skipping along.... Kind of like I still do as an adult. Skip along like nothing is wrong...

huggggs

huggggggs

A hug will do just fine .. ty

(((((((( Tanya )))))))))

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Who I am today is a result of my past experiences. I've had a lot of hurts.

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I also have low self-esteem. I am not assertive...I also have sleeping problems.......

Yes, it is very clear why it can be helpful to look into our past and link our "today" behaviors" to our growing up... If someone screams or is threatening, I cower like a child. retreating into defeat . This could very well be related to childhood........ I really do understand now, the importance of learning about our past.......... BUT I also think there is a time to do this.. I think one should be "stable" and not in crisis or overwhelmed by panic attacks and fear consuming one's life and not understanding what the fear is???? I think those things should be "stabilized" before one digsssss into one's past... Although at the time I had no idea child abuse or molestation was part of my childhood.... In other words, my plate was already overflowing, and adding the past issues to what was "current" issues only tipped over the plate and everything scattered about..

In other words, I was in a very controlling, abusive, and threatening marriage. I needed to regain or find the "me" before the marriage. Because who I had become was a total mess........

Thinks I am getting tired.. I may not be making sense now.. Will read this tomorrow.. Hope I didn't ramble...

((((((( Jennie ))))))))

)

I have spent atleast the last fifteen of my 29 years runing away fromT's that dig up the past. It's all been out of my own fear or unwillingness to face the fact that for me, my childhood sexual abuse has and continues to affect the relationships I form now. I hope you can sort things out. I know I'm just in the beginning stages of sorting out my failed relationships and financial woes. I'm scared to death but I'm not letting my fears of the "past" being drudged up discourage me this time around.

Just to note.. I did not know I had a bad childhood. It wasn't until the T started digging that some of it surfaced. I still don't know all the details.. I sometimes wish that I had learned about this when I was younger. Maybe my life would not have been so devastating as an adult. Including relationships, etc.....

I am so glad you are are working on your childhood issues. It really is best to do this. And not run from it. Facing these issues will not only make you stronger, but will help you have a better future. Of course a good T is important too. Please don't misunderstand this.. k.. I kind of envy you for your determination to face your childhood. Maybe it isn't envy, maybe it is the strength I see, that nothing is going to hold you back this time. I am so proud of you for this...

Oh to add, it isn't that I am running from my past. Just I don't know how to do it and I don't have memories in detail of anything specific.. Just bits and pieces. ok.. maybe I am running.. Maybe I am afraid. I just don't know how to deal with it all. Let alone find "new info" that could be devastating Sure did burst my bubble remembering the "basement" and woods. I again only have bits and pieces. Anyway, not sure if I can deal with more..

Safe huggggs

I have a "basement" in my past, also. My T allowed me to see what happened there from a distance... in regression therapy. I was allowed to pull away from the window whenever I felt I'd had enough. Somewhere in the middle of those memories, I found the courage to go IN the basement. Some of it still feels like I was just an observer.

A good T is key to being able to go through it.