[sabby]

I don't post much except to be supportive of folks here. I don't know why, but I guess I think that my problems and issues really aren't all that bad and I get thru life's ups and downs fairly well. But today, well, today is different. Today is the 25th anniversary of my mom's death. She was only 60 years old when she died. She battled brain cancer for about 8 months or so. She had surgery to remove the tumors, but the doctors weren't able to remove all of them. She went through 5 grueling weeks of being transported 5 days a week to and from the hospital in an ambulance for radiation treatments. After the 5 weeks, a ct scan showed that instead of the tumors shrinking, more had grown. 1981 was a long year. I had a daughter of 4 years, an alcoholic husband, father and brother trying to help take care of mom. I was the only one working outside the home at the time. I was doing almost all the housework and personal care of my mom during the day while raising my daughter and picking up after the boozers then going to my night job. Looking back, I have no freaking idea how I managed to get through that year in one piece, but I did.

Today, I received a call from my beloved Aunt's best friend that the nursing home my aunt is in called and wants us to consider hospice for my Aunt. Aunty is 93 years old and been pretty healthy most of her life, all things considered. She is my mom's older sister. After mom died, Aunty pretty much stepped up and became my surrogate mother. Aunty had never married and never had any of her own kids.

I saw Aunty (she's in another state) right before I went on a 2 week vacation to the UK. She was hanging in there, not great, but not too bad either. When I came back from vacation and saw her again, I was floored how much she had declined and in such a short period of time. She is but a shell of a woman now, totally confused, paranoid and with a touch of dementia. She is uncomfortable, but in no pain. Since the nursing home is now asking about Hospice, I know the time is drawing to a close for Aunty.

I am sad. Sad that she is suffering the loss of her independence and her mind. I'm preparing myself (I guess for a long time now) for the day she leaves this realm for the next. I pray everyday that the lord would take her and stop her suffering. I know he will when the time is right, I trust in that. I am at peace with myself for knowing that I have done everything in my power to make her transition from her home to the nursing home as easy as possible for her and seeing her there as much as I possibly could.

I guess I just needed to vent....to voice my love for my dear mother and aunt. Thanks for listening, and I hope I didn't trigger anyone with this post.

[radio_flyer]

((((((((((( Sabau ))))))))))))

[SweetSunshine]

Dear Sabau~

Fifteen years ago on the 16th of this month will be the anniversary of my moms death. I sat here reading your post and it sound so much like me. Except I didnt have to take care of an alcoholic husband. And my dad and I shared the responsibility of taking care of mom. I worked part time . She had vascular surgery on her leg and two toes amputated, renal failure, CHF, mini strokes, and at the end they wouldnt say for sure .. but we think she may have had pancreatic and liver cancer also. They took a CT and wouldnt tell the results. That was like a month before she died, they knew it was coming and so did we. I think they were trying to save us from making a decision that we couldnt make. Mom and I were close. ANd there will never be another like her. I had one Aunt left also. My moms older sister. And we did things together that mom and I would do . She died 3 yrs later from breast and lung cancer.

I understand what your going thru. And how your feeling. So many things we tried to do for them .. and we couldnt save them from hurting or from being scared. But we were there. We did what we could .. and I know in my heart that my mom appreciated that. The morning she died, was one of the best memories we could have shared . I got ready to go to work. And I had to get her breakfast. So I asked her what she would like. She said a piece of bread with a bun on it. I looked at her like what did you say? And we both cracked up laughing at eachother laughing because our bellies were shaking and we just couldnt stop. We hugged eachother.. and we were both so thankful for that moment. God how I miss her!!! She was the best mom ever!

Hold onto the good memories hon.. and do things you used to do together around this time of the anniversary of her death. Celebrate her life .. rather than mourn her. Thats what she would want for you.

Hugz
Bethy

[sabby]

Thank You Radio_Flyer!!! HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[sabby]

(((((Bethy))))) Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. You are right, our lives did kind of revolve in the same fasion.

You are so right, we couldn't save them from their demise, but we were able to care for and comfort them the best ways we could. I know in my heart that they appreciated our love and care.

Thanks also for sharing that wonderful, funny story of breakfast! I also have a funny story of mom before she went into hospice. - The doctors had told me that mom may become a bit "out of touch" with things, especially in the mornings from the radiation treatments. Now, my oldest daughter was 4 yrs old at the time and used to take her toys into mom's room and play during the day. (it was so sweet to see her do this) On my mom's dresser was one of Amy's toys called "Ants in the Pants". I don't know if you've heard of it, but there is a plastic "bucket" in the shape of pants with suspenders and little ant-shaped pieces that you can flick and make them jump, the object to get them into the pants. I walked into mom's room one morning to get her ready for the day and I see mom staring at the ceiling. I said "Mom, what are you staring at so intensely?" She said "Well, I was wondering, could any of Amy's ants gotten out of that box and up onto the ceiling?" "I see a bunch of them crawling around up there, so you better collect them and put them back in the box." OMG....I darned near split a gut .... the look on mom's face was unbelievable....she was really concentrating on those "ants" LOL I had to walk out of the room for a moment and collect myself, then said to her, "Well mom, I don't think what you are seeing are ants on the ceiling....the ones in Amy's game are not real, they are only plastic". Mom looked at me and started laughing her deep belly laugh that I always loved and she said, "Oh, sure, of course they are plastic, what the hell was I thinking???" That was the last time I can remember laughing with my mom. Three months later, she was gone.

Anyway....one year after mom passed, my second daughter was born. Let me just tell you, she looks just like my mom, in so many ways. I went into labor on the anniversary of my mom's death, and cried all day long saying, this can't happen, I won't let it. Luckily, Erin was born on the 29th, not the 6th. Funny how one is taken, and another given........the circle of life

Once again, thank you for your post. It meant the world to me. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family to help keep you strong and safe and happy in the knowledge you were loved by an awesome mom!!!Hugsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Jean

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope that you feel better soon. Everyone needs help every now and then, I hope the best for you in the future. Take care Soidhonia

[January]

((((((((((((((( Sabau )))))))))))))))))

You are a loving, wise and gracious woman.

Hugs,

Jan

[JustAPixie]

(((((((((( Sabau )))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

I have a funny story, too, about when my mom was ill before her death. She had become incontinent and seemed to be asleep most of the time. I had started putting diapers on her. One morning, after her two cans of Ensure for breakfast, nature took it's course.

When I thought it was time, I was changing her diaper but every time I wiped, more would come out. I'd wipe and get results. Thinking that she wasn't aware of what was going on, I said "Mommy!!" in a bit of a frustrated tone. She heard me! LOL She turned around, being on her side, and gave me the biggest grin I had ever seen on her face! It spoke volumes... in part, it seemed to say "Payback!" LOL In part, it was embarrassment... and I chose to believe that there was a shadow of approval and comfort there, too. If she had had teeth it would have looked like this . LOL LOL She turned back around and was gone again. I did everything to keep her conscious, but to no avail.

I'll always remember that last big smile on her face and her last concious act towards me. It never fails to put a smile on my face. She was gone about two months later.

[sabby]

(((((Soidhonia))))) Thank you dear one for your sweet thoughts, they helped a lot

hugsssssss
Jean

[sabby]

Thank you so much (((((Jan))))).

Hugsssssssss
Jean

[sabby]

(((((Tanya))))) Thank you hon!

Hugssssssss
Jean

[sabby]

OMGosh (((((September))))) Thank you for sharing that wonderful story!

The process of dying is such an odd thing sometimes isn't it? For the last 2 months or so of mom's life, she wasn't speaking or responding much to anyone or anything. I believe part of it was because she was becoming paralyzed and she was unable to speak. Boy was that hard to accept and deal with *sigh*. Anywho, there was a nursery school in the same building as the hospice house and it was Halloween time. My daughter Amy was 4 years old and the school invited her to come down in her costume and join their annual parade into the hospice house. I was talking to mom that week and telling her how there was going to be a parade and that Amy wanted to join it and come to see her favorite Grammy. At that point, my mom turned her head towards me, opened her eyes, and with a tear streaming down her face, she said "NO". I was devestated....I cried the whole ride home (an hour and a half). My mom adored Amy, she was her only grandchild. The sun rose and set on Amy. For her to say no to seeing Amy, wow, at first I just couldn't fathom it. Slowly, it dawned on me, my mom knew she was going soon and she didn't want Amy around when it happened. She wanted Amy to have good memories of her Grammy. It was my mother's final selfless act, one week before she died. After I realized what happened, I went to the funeral home and made her arrangements in advance. I'm so glad I did, as I didn't have to worry about that stuff when the time came...only a phone call had to be made to set everything into motion. Like I said, the process of dying can be so odd sometimes.

Thanks again hon....my prayers to you and your family on the loss of your beloved mother.

Hugsssssss
Jean

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sabau}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I, too, made the arrangements ahead of time. Like you said, one call is all it took.

A couple of weeks later, though, my world as I knew it, fell completely apart. Thank God I've recovered for the most part but it's been a long 22 yrs.

jean....you are a wonderful, compassionate woman....

[sabby]

(((((Julia))))) Thank you sweety

Hugsssssssss
Jean

[sabby]

(((((((September))))))) Life really does throw us curveballs doesn't it? I'm glad we have made it through the difficult times. How we manage to recover and grow defines each of us and teaches others (if we choose to share) that as humans, we can survive anything life throws our way.

[Boopers]

Oh Sabau,

I, too, cared for my Mom before her death. She has been gone four years now and I miss her terribly. She went into a coma before her death and one day I was sitting on the bed beside her and was holding her hand, and I told her to tell Dad that I loved and missed him. Even though she was in a coma, with her eyes closed, she squeezed my hand and smiled. So, right then, I knew she could hear me. From then on, I talked to her as I had to insert her pain meds up inside her or change her diaper or just anytime I was with her. I was holding her hand near the end and I told her it was OK to let go. She took her last breath.

I am so sorry about your Mom and also your Auntie. You can be proud that you were there for the both of them. Thank you for such a touching story. Sending lot's of hug's your way! (((((((((((((((((((((((((Sabau2))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Take care,
LInda

[sabby]

((((((Boopers)))))) I'm so sorry for your loss Linda. Thank you for sharing your story, I know it's not easy to do sometimes. It amazes me how strong we daughters are when it comes to caring for our ailing loved ones. I was with my mom too when she passed (and I hope I can be with aunty when the time comes). Such a difficult place to be, difficult to watch. As difficult as it was, I wouldn't change it for the world. One of the most selfless acts we share is to tell someone we love, that it's ok to leave us.

Thanks again Linda....Take good care!

Hugsssssssss
Jean

[JustAPixie]

To all of you who have lost their mothers, I just want to say you are all very strong, I cannot imagine the pain it must bring to lose the best friend I have....

(((((((( Hugs )))))))))

[sabby]

Thank you Tanya

When the time comes, you too will be strong. We have to be, for ourselves and our loved ones.

Hugssssssssssss
Jean

[biplol]

(((((****Sabau2****)))))
I'm sorry hun, I haven't had any close death in my family, not just yet, so I can't relate, but I'm here and my prayers with you~

[SeptemberMorn]

Tanya, may I say... there's probably more comfort and peace when you lose a "best friend" than to lose someone that wasn't and should have been.

It's all the unresolved issues I have with my mom that made my world fall apart. That's what keeps me saying "I want my mommy!!" I never did have her and never will. YOU obvious have had that "mommy" that we all need.

[biiv]

I know im a little late to be posting on this thread but i had to because i am literally in tears here reading all your posts. theres so much pain in them but also so much true honest beauty. i still have my mother thank god. i truly am in awe as to how you have all dealt so gracefully with your losses. you are precious people all.

[sabby]

(((((biplol))))) Your prayers are much appreciated hon. Thank You!!!

Hugssssssssss
Jean