[elevatedsoul]

well, i went to the appointment to see the GP today - feel like thats the only good that happened (actually making myself go)
i thought i would do well this time, since i have been reading up about evreything and trying to participate here a little at psychcentral..
but i feel like i fubared this one too (the appointment), i had wrote some notes to help me remember what to say but it didnt help, i became so nervous and anxious that i had trouble speaking at all, much less talking about my ideas and treatment, i feel as if when i go to any appointment i change completely and im not the person who needs the attention/treatment
how can they treat me if i change into this person that tries to be happy and fun/funny when i go to the appointments?
how are they supposed to help me if i cant even get out what i need to get out?
why does my personality change so much when im confronted with these situations..? im afraid i'll never feel any relief if this continues and im scared that im going to just hurt for the rest of my life miserably
what am i supposed to do? i can't control it...

he asked me the normal questions and we ended up getting cymbalta and prilosec with refill of clonazepam, i tried to get the clonazepam switched to diazapam but i failed.
i tried to get ritalin added because i feel like i would really benefit from it but he didnt like that idea and said that its too short acting and felt that cymbalta would do a better job, i did mention cymbalta first


i feel like i lock up when i get in the office, when i get home i feel so horrible because i just feel like i dissociate so much that im incapable of receiving any help thats going to actually help, i feel ashamed and so guilty like i subconsciously dont want help but i keep pushing myself extremely hard to go to these appointments to try to get help

why does this happen to me? why is this happening to me? why cant i just be myself instead of hiding behind so many emotional curtains?

i feel like its the end of the world right now...

they took my blood to test tsh levels again, i guess thats one thing i cant fubar, i hope that they are normal but if they arent then atleast i can know that the problem can be treated..

im tired of being tired...
im tired of being scared...
im tired of hiding myself...
i dont want to hide anymore, i just want to be happy

[gayleggg]

You made it to the appointment and that's good. Sounds like you got some med changes; maybe not the ones you wanted but might be the right ones. I know I never wind up getting what I hope he will try.

I'm not sure there is an answer to why because really why any of us have the problems we do is a question I have. Why any of us have to suffer is beyond me. Hopefully the cymbalta will help. I know diazapam is hard to get these days, nobody wants to prescribe it.

Good luck to you.

[elevatedsoul]

thanks, yeah i mentioned cymbalta and he instantly wanted to try it i think beacause i was talking about the bupropion and norepinephrine and hinting at wanting to try ritalin to agonize it? and i am getting my blood re-checked for elevated tsh levels to know if its the thyroid issue or not since im not taking the lithium ... im a tech nerd i guess and just like to educate myself with the general knowledge of things that surround me.. so i dont know what he might think of me because i was trying to explain why i wanted to try what i wanted to try before i even explained what it was i wanted to try...? did i loose anyone in that sentence? i think that part of my anxiety is that he is / will look at me like a druggy or something when im infact just trying to get some professional guidance and help, i know what im feeling and as i like to educate myself i think what i have to say should be important right?
i just got so nervous that i couldnt speak and started just nodding and agreeing 'yes sir' towards him instead of being able to participate in an important dialog... sigh, sometimes you wonder if you have lost it, sometimes you wonder if you are losing it, im just starting to think i never had it

will this cymbalta with welbutrin help the lethargy and apathy? improve my outlook and ability / capability to do things i used to enjoy?

i experienced discontinuation syndrome when coming down from the zoloft so i have been afraid of trying ssri's much less an snri..? i hope the fear of wondering what is going to happen doesnt mess up the drugs efficacy... i reckon anythings worth'a shot now ye? better than not trying nothin!

[adultnecropuma]

Elevatedsoul I can't tell you how much of the same feelings we have. On your doctor I know what you mean when you say you feel out of line suggesting drugs. I have done the same thing, because I think certain ones would be better than others.
I too have gotten my thyroid levels checked and my doctor wants me to go into the lab again to double check the results. It could be part of the reason you feel like you're dissociating.
That too, I feel I experience. You said you make yourself go and come back home feeling horrible because of how bad things went.
Do you feel like you're not in control once you make these decisions to go out?
Then you get frustrated right afterwards because of how bad it went?
I do this. And by dissociate do you mean you like space out?

[elevatedsoul]

yeah, i dont feel any control when i leave my small circle around my computer feel like im tied to a million and one obligations all at once, a bunch of responsibilities popping up out of no where.. etc etc, its stressful and i just try to turn my brain off and look at the trees pass by until im finally there, then sitting in the waiting room i just fidget until im called where the rest of what i thought i had control over is left and i turn into an automaton..?
on my papers he has panic disorder WithOut agoraphobia.. still... i feel like he doesnt know what i am experiencing / needing, plus he seems more nervous than i do (shaking leg for ex) im already hypervigilent which he kind of makes it worse for some reason.. maybe i need to switch to a female dr because im not able to work with male figures..?

yeah by dissociate i mean just tuning into something completely different, ignoring all the fear and pressure that is there, its not very often i achieve true peace in my mind but i try by pretending to be happy and making qwerky quick jokes

i also feel that i dont want to hurt his feelings and make him think that i think he is a bad dr, i just dont know if we see eye to eye.. he has continue to refill the clonazapam even though i was taking a little more than i should have at one time (needing more and more to achieve the same effect)

i seem to do better with females, maybe im less threatened by them and tend to see female as loving and nurturing rather than a brute male with stern priorities ?

anywho, if the roads arent to bad tomorow ill be getting the Rx i just hope cymbalta doesnt hurt me in some way... i really am uncomfortable with pills, i used to be scared of them.. until i became scared of not having them, because of the panic and whatnot.. even now i wont even take a tylenol for a headache hehe... but im taking zyprexa on the other hand, i feel like im betraying myself sometimes :/