life really bites

it does so much right now. at the end of a three hour binge/purge cycle and had been doing so well eating so little for almost a week. had to show T the food diary i started last saturday. so so so humiliating and hard. freaked a bit. want so badly to cut but thought id come post instead. i really think im losing it. again. feel like im being pushed into this pit again and am clawing to stay in the light. i dont know why this happens. why cant i be normal!??!?! feeling totally out of control. i dont want to go through this stupid insanity again!! maybe i should have posted this in the depression forum. or the anxiety one. or self injury or abuse or eating disorders or or or. god i cant even make a decision on that. all this icky stuff inside is flooding out to T and spilling into my 'real' life, out of my head and messing up everything. i cant handle this and it terrifies me because i dont know where its going. its all falling apart. T says im being brave and all i want to do is scream at her, grab the diary and hide wimpering behind the chair. i dont want to think about all the things she asks about. i hate myself because im lying to her about things by fudging the truth or talking in circles because its all just too much.
im sorry. im just scared and tired and worn out right now. i dont know where i should have posted this. please move it anyone if you need to. sorry.
biiv

biiv sorry you are feeling so bad right now!!! hugs to you!!!

((((((( biiv )))))))

I'm so sorry that your feeling this way Bliv. It's a terrible feeling but you can get through this and there is a way. You've got to want to get out of it. In the beginning I wanted to get out of it but just didn't make the effort to do so. I probably just expected someone to wave their magic wand. Finally a few days ago I decided that I had to do something about it and that I was the only one responsable for the way I was feeling. I started reading a book which a bought a few years ago. It just helped me see things in a different way and with a different attitude. It's a bit like someone seeing a glass of water half empty or half full. It's all about being positive about ourselves instead of sitting there feeling sorry for ourselves.
I'm feeling a lot better by saying to myself that I can do this. Even if it's just for today I know I can do it. I haven't felt positive about myself in a long time but for the first time in a long time I'm beginning to re-surface. It's a bit like getting my head out of the water. I hope it's going to last. I've been through that so many times that sometimes I can't trust myself not to fall back into my old routine of sitting around feeling sorry for myself and thinking that my only best friend is food. Since I've stopped eating between meals I feel lighter and liberated from this prison that I was shutting myself into. I get more things done and I go out more often and last but not least is that I've regained confidence in myself. Just one thing though I have never been to see a T. I've always tried to deal with my problem alone. This time I hope it will be the last time I have confront it. I don't want to turn into an obese person. I know if I continue though I will become one and I don't want to ruin my health. I really hope that you will get well soon. Be positve.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((biiv))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So sorry you are having a rough time. You really need to be completely honest with your T. That's the only way you are going to get better. I know it's hard but if the T doesn't know the truth, then how can he/she truly help. I am only saying this because I care and don't want you to hurt anymore.
Take care,
Linda

Hello I hope things get better for you soon. You are not a failure, everyone has downfalls from time to time. As long as you let your therapist help you, you can get better in time, it is not going to happen over night. I am going to leave you the hotline number to call 1-800-273-TALK. if you need to talk to someone. Take care Phoelona

I agree with Boopers. How is your therapist to provide you with the proper therapy when you are not being honest?

Anyway, I know how you are feeling right now. Can I join you behind the chair?

Thank you Bethsway. hugs to you too.

((((Tanyagrave))))

Thank you so much for this post Domino. It seems to have been the catalyst for giving me just the tinyest bit of strength which ive now remembered is all i need to drag myself up by my boot straps again. since i read this a couple of days ago ive been really struggling just to believe that im the only person who can pull myself out of this. even if there are people who would like to do that for me they cant. only i can.
i think recently ive been turning to people and asking for help like my T and this new pdoc and that seems to have sent me into a bit of a terrified tail spin. today is the first day in weeks i feel like i can do something for myself. even just all the small things like wash my dishes or clear my desk and i know that will be the first concrete step in caring for myself and taking responsibility rather than as you say waiting for someone to wave their magic wand.
so thank you again. its taken time for your words to sink in but they truly have helped. im glad that you are feeling more positive about yourself too. keep fighting and walking foward. i hope this period lasts for a while for both of us.
safe hugs if you would like them.
biiv

((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))
thank you for your kind post. i know i need to be honest with her. im trying so hard to. i think i might have tried a bit too hard though and then freaked a bit cos of all the stuff coming up and actually saying it out loud and then it just gets into the air and suffocates you til you need to scream. even at that i havent been totally honest just because when she asks five questions in a row about five excruciating topics by the time i get to the fourth or fifth question im so worn out i just say whatever and then have no energy left over to tell her things she doesnt think to ask about but i feel i should tell her. its so much work.
im trying to be as honest as i can and im being more open than with anyone ever before irl and i ll keep at it. its just so overwhelming and scary at times.
thank you again. the hugs are appreciated.
biiv

Thank you Phoelona for you post. you re right. i do need to let my T help but i also need to remember that only i can make things better for myself. sometimes i lose sight of that.
take care of yourself also,
biiv

Thank you AlteredState. you are more than welcome behind the chair. i could use some company. how about we bring some blankets and a favourite stuffed toy too? maybe we can both get some rest then for a little while.

take care of yourself
biiv

((((((((( biiv ))))))))))

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I hope you feel better very soon.

Hugs,

Jan

thank you January (((((Jan))))))
im working on feeling better today. been tidying and organising things which always helps. taking a break now but must do some more later.
thanks for replying.
biiv