[ashenflower]

hi all. i am fairly new here (only posted once about 6 months ago). and i need some help.

i have finally come to the point where i am tired of living with whatever is wrong with me. i am tired of missing out on life and not feeling alive and connected. and i think i am finally ready to seek some help with this and get it over with.

the thing is, i keep psyching myself out every time i try to pick up the phone because i am so scared they will think i am being phoney. i am so scared that i am going to call for an appointment and when they ask what is wrong, and i am not able to tell them since i can't pinpoint what exactly is wrong anyway, that they are going to think i am just faking it. i know this is an irrational fear, i mean, this is their job right? to be able to see whats really wrong with me? but i just keep i am going to go there and not be able to describe what i feel and then they are going to think i am a fraud or just being dramatic. for years i have been told i am 'too sensitive', and that i 'think too much'. what if people are right? this fear is taking me over, so much that i can't make myself call.

i wish i could describe how i feel. i have tried to sit down with my husband and describe it and he just doesn't understand. he tries to be supportive, but telling me 'just don't thikn about it' doesn't help. i can't even describe what is wrong with me other than i am empty. i feel like i am just a shell of what i used to be. i feel like i have no connection with anyone. i want to, but i just can't. i get anxious over the littlest things and i dwell on things endlessly, obsess over small things like a conversation or a look comeone gave me. i will obsess over these things for hours. or if have a social event or something coming up, the anticipation and anxiety will eat at me so much that i get sick over it. i get so down sometimes that i just feel like i will never get out of this cycle. i am tired all of the time and i have no energy to do the littlest things, even clean our house or cook our dinner. i get so nervous in social situations, that i have no friends anymore. when i am around people in a situation where i might have to talk, i get hot and clammy and flushed, i break out in hives and my vision seems to go white a little. my breath gets very shallow and rapid and feel like i can't breathe. my sleep patterns are weird and sometimes i sleep too much, other times i can't sleep at all. but the thing is, i don't know what any of this means. what is this? sometimes i panic because i think there is something seriously wrong with me and i will never get anywhere. but then other times, i feel like i can't really have a problem and i must be a fraud because my life shoud be good right now. i have a good job, a good marriage. and i am so good at faking a 'happy normal' personality that sometimes i convince myself.

i have finally reached a point where i want to do something about this. but now i can't. i just can't make myself call because what do i say when i call? 'hello, i think i might have a mental disorder but i don't know which one and i don't know how to explain it'. i can't explain what is wrong with me. and i just have this overwhelming fear that they will look at me and think i am making it up and not want to help me.

what do you think? i don't know what to do.
(sorry this is so long, i had to get this out.)

[January]

Hello,

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone told me my troubles will be over if I just quit thinking too much. You sound so very much like me not so long ago.

I want you to know that during my first appointment with my psychiatrist and my therapist I sobbed the entire time. I sobbed before the appointments, too. I was terrified that no one would believe there was something wrong with me. My parents and others had always told me to "suck it up, don't think so much and get on with your life" so much, that I didn't know pdocs and therapists recognize these major signs of distress.

When you make your appointment just tell them you want a consultation. They probably won't ask for any specifics over the phone.

Please know that if you cry, you won't be the first and you won't be the last person they have seen cry. It's quite normal. It's quite human, and it's quite ok.

I wish you well,

January

[Boopers]

Hello,
Welcome to PC and I'm so glad that you got the courage to come back and talk to us.
Do you think it would help to write down all the things you are feeling when you go see a doc? I know I sometimes have to do that because I know I won't remember everything and sometimes it makes more sense to the doc to know everything he can about us.
The docs see people like you all day every day, so please don't think that you are the only one feeling like this.
How can you just get over it? You need help to do that and I am sure that a doc could help you.
It sounds like you are having severe panic attacks and depression. I'm no professional but I do know about both.
It could be a matter of going on a med or two to feel much better. Isn't that what the bottom line is? To feel better.
I wish you all the luck and know that we are here to support you, no matter what your decision is.
Hugs,
Boopers

hi and welcome to PC> i'm so glad you came back. it sounds as if you could use some caring support right now.

we all have times when we feel that others will think we're faking or just crazy or "it's all in your head"....that was my first husband's mantra....

it takes courage to come post here and i think you can use the same courage to pick that phone up and call someone for help. i'm a substance abuse counselor and no one ever came to me knowing exactly what was "wrong" with them the first time. it takes a lot of talking and thinking to get to the bottom of things. just the fact that you know you need help is the first step.

try to find your husband some reading materials, after you've been to see a therapist.......if another person hasn't had depression/anxiety, etc., they don't understand what we go through.

good luck and keep us updated. xoxoxo pat

[Wants2Fly]

Keep going, flower. Don't give up in your efforts to find someone to talk with.

I love that one, "It's all in your head."

Of course it is! It's all in there, and it can be quite horrid.

[silver_queen]

ashenflower, it was a good move when you joined PC Now you can know you're not alone.