[DocJohn]

After much discussion and consideration amongst the community team over the past few days, a new guideline has been agreed-upon:

Pedophiles, rapists, and others that have abused another individual physically, emotionally or sexually (whether imagined, real, acted-upon or not, and/or convicted), are not welcomed here because our focus is on support for victims of such abuse. The two are not compatible with one another.

This was a difficult decision to reach, as we recognize that people who are grappling with these issues are often the victims of abuse themselves. Be that as it may, we're a community empowered to protect our existing members' needs. The feedback we've received over the past few days has made it clear to us what those needs are.

Best,
DocJohn

[mrb020377]

thanks Doc!

[spiritual_emergency]

I am wondering if you ("Doc John") or anyone else can recommend an alternative location that these individuals could seek out.

As you note, a number of individuals in this community have been the victims of such abuse and the presence of such individuals can be distressing for some of them. Also as you note, some of the individuals who have engaged in such harmful behavior or are concerned they might, are also seeking healing. I think it would be beneficial for them if they could be referred to a place where they needn't fear they will distress others, or be stopped from seeking out the resolution and insights they are looking for.

For what it's worth, I also have a history of sexual abuse in childhood but I didn't find that individual's presence here to be stressing for me. In part, this was due to me being active in primarily one area of this site -- as a result, I wasn't reading their posts; I wasn't rubbing "cyber shoulders" with them. I've also moved into a space of relative acceptance in terms of my own abuse -- as far as I know, my own abusers are still alive and well and somewhere out there. I do not know if they have gone on to abuse others, I do not know if they have moved beyond their ability to inflict harm and trauma, but I do know they are not in my life. Likewise, the individual who initiated this decision is not in my life. I can accept that there are people like that out there. I can also admire that this individual does not want to be who he is or fears who he might become. It would be most beneficial for him if he can find a place where he can find the support he needs. I am sorry that couldn't happen here and I sincerely hope he finds some healing for himself. This could only be beneficial for him and the other human beings he will interact with throughout the course of his life.

[spiritual_emergency]

lostson, if you are still reading here, here's one link I found that might be helpful to you: Why Offer Pedophiles Therapy? It's not much, but it's something. Perhaps I'll add that there are some things in this life that people say can't be recovered from. I think they can if you want it badly enough. You don't seem to want to be a person who hurts other people, let alone children who are entitled to the care, protection and nurturing of the adults around them. In stripping them of their innocence and humanity, you inevitably lose your own.

Best of luck to you in your recovery journey, lost son.

[biplol]

Doc, I'm not here much lately. One reason was all the fuzz over stupid stuff that sometimes happens, but the other was that I felt really triggered and uncomfortable when a person that had signed here made explicit comments of what he was obsess with.
I really appreciate this new guideline.
Sincerely

[(JD)]

I support you in this decision.

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thanks doc john, i am sad in a way that i was one who was upset by this person. i do wish him well and hope he can find help. however, my concern was with our younger members, although i felt uncomfortable myself.i wish maybe i was more understanding and compassionate, but at this time in my life i cant do it.

thankyou, it must have been hard for you to make the decision

jinny xxxx

[lenjan]

Thank you. I feel safer because of this.

[DocJohn]

I'm not aware of any resource that specifically caters to individuals with these sorts of specific, unique needs. However, other online mental health support communities may have a different take on this issue than ours, and so I recommend checking one of those out instead, like:

mentalearth.com
mental-health-matters.com

[spiritual_emergency]

jinnyann: i wish maybe i was more understanding and compassionate, but at this time in my life i cant do it.

People vary in regard to where they are in their recovery process and there is no real logic to it -- you're simply where you are. Part of the reason I didn't speak up earlier is I can remember my own discomfort at being in a similar situation a few years ago -- I didn't like it, and I didn't want that person in my space.

I can appreciate that this must have been a difficult decision for the administrators but I can also appreciate that it was difficult for some of the community members, as well as lostson or anyone else like him. For better or worse, his healing can't be found here. There are too many others who are still in a state of rawness from their own experience. It's is probably best that he move on, as much for him as for others. After all, if he's triggering people he's likely going to end up with some projected material landing upon him and that's not healthy or fair for him either.

All recovery journeys are filled with potholes and lurching moments -- the important thing is to keep walking. lostson is working with a therapist, he recognizes that he has a problem and he's taking steps to correct it. Just as I needed to find others who had been through an experience that was similar to my own and had recovered from it, so too, lostson will benefit from finding others that have wrestled with the same kind of personal demons he's wrestling with, and won. They're somewhere out there too.

good postings, SE.......

i am hopeful that with this new guideline in place, administration will be more mindful of emotional abuse here of all kinds. we have many posters that are are very, very fragile in areas that involve being bullied and harrassed and manipulated online .

i'm glad that this guideline is out there for all here to see and perhaps reflect upon.


pat

[drunksunflower]

This decision really really saddens me. I understand some of the rationale behind it but not all of it. One conversation in my life that sticks in my mind and will forever is interviewing someone in a similar position to lostson when I was doing my thesis. He wasn't a paedophile, his offence (yes, he did act upon it) was with a 16 year old girl, who he abducted, raped and sodomised. He has been abused by his father since he was 11 years old. He spent a very long time battling his demons and in the end, found it impossible.

Without going into details I had been privy to his prison file / psyc assessment, et al. His past was pretty horrific. It translated into playing out forced sex role plays with his wife (some were not quite 'role plays' :/) He tried a lot of substances to deal with his impulses. I don't know. I just couldn't feel anything but overwhelming sorrow for his situation. It was not an easy life, and where did he get the chance to develop a normal conception of sex? He damn well didn't.

A couple of weeks later I was given some art and a letter he had written me. There was nothing inappropriately sexual in it, before you ask. It was a thank you for listening without judging and having the chance to tell someone else his story. They don't get an easy time in jail.

I had my own experience a few years later travelling south america. But if the timelines were reversed I still think I would have felt the same about that interview.

I think using something like that as an excuse is wrong, but as an explanation, well that's a different story.

I hope that the person concerned here has the very best of luck in somehow finding some relief, and I am sad that there is no support for him here. I applaud the people who in the thread who welcomed him, and those who said okay but i don't want anything to do with you - that is very strong.

You can ignore a member. I don't see how that is not enough.

Just my few cents.

[lenjan]

This is a support site. I find it difficult to impossible to support people with that particular problem. I applaud them for working on it, but most of us are here because we are vulnerable, and even the presence of someone like that -- even if we don't interact with them -- just knowing they're here is too much. We aren't professionals. Those people need a whole slew of professionals.

I have to agree with the bullying around here too, and wish more would be more sympathetic to it and try to think first and engage their loud mouths later.

[SweetSunshine]

I simply want to say Thank you again Admin and the Mod Squad!! Really appreciate you understanding what some of us go thru and need around here.

Bethy

[drunksunflower]

And you don't think someone who themselves has been abused is vulnerable too?

What if that person had come here only stating one side of the story - that they had been abused as a child?

I would imagine you would have had all the sympathy in the world.

I think it's a shame that people cannot just use their ignore button and let other people get the support they both need and deserve, without judgement.

I seem to be the only person posting this, even though many welcomed the member in their thread ...

:/

[spiritual_emergency]

Someone -- I can't recall who or where I read it -- said that people like lost son can never recover, they can never get well. I found myself identifying with that statement because like pedophila, madness is something that's "taboo" in this culture. Plenty of people who went "mad" have been told that they would never recover and many of them were treated absolutely horribly, such that their own recovery became more of an impossibility rather than a possibility.

I hope that lostson might take a few lessons from my own experience with him when he moves on to find a better fit for himself. The messages I heard told me that recovery was impossible too but I did go out there and I did find other voices who told me it could happen. Many of those voices are not mainstream because they don't fit into the culturally accepted paradigm of "the biological orientation of psychosis". I have been tossed from other communities for speaking of recovery and cure; I have been hated, hounded, and harassed for getting well without medication, doctors or hospitals. But I am also recovered. I'm where I wanted to be.

Keep walking lost son. When you find something that helps you, use it. If it doesn't help you, discard it. Hold true to your convictions and your highest good. Believe that your recovery is possible. Somewhere out there are other people like you who have moved beyond what you're struggling with. You might not read about them in medical journals because I'm going to imagine that recovered pedophiles do not shout that out to the world. There are likely treatments, programs, books, articles, and people out there who can help you -- you just have to find them.

[drunksunflower]

Cool post SE.

The irony I note is that this is someone who has purportedly never acted on their urges / impulses but is still treated like an offender.

I have nothing more to say in this thread, I just wish LS the best of luck in taming his demons.

[sparkling]

I completely agree with drunksunflower. Treating lostson as if he's some kind of monster (while he never acted on his thoughts) is only going to increase his self hatred and alienation. Not very supportive thing to do. If I don't like someone's presence I make use of the ignore button instead of demanding that the person leave the place.

As for the new guideline - I don't think there is ONE person in the world that never hurt anyone (both in their thoughts and reality). If thoughts could hurt I would probably be in jail for the rest of my life or longer. So I guess PC is not a place for me either.

[drunksunflower]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sparkling said:

As for the new guideline - I don't think there is ONE person in the world that never hurt anyone (both in their thoughts and reality). If thoughts could hurt I would probably be in jail for the rest of my life or longer. So I guess PC is not a place for me either.

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Cosign ...

[allthegirls6]

Drunk, This site deals largely with people who have been hurt by sexual abuse, therefore it seems unusual that we would be supporting someone with those tendencies.

I have no doubt that we have all hurt alot of people in a variety of ways, however i dont think there are many of us who have hurt others as a result of sexual abuse. There is a very big difference.

[drunksunflower]

Did you miss the post where he said he also had been sexually abused?

What if he wanted support for that?

[sparkling]

Let me quote drunksunflower here:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
drunksunflower said:

The irony I note is that this is someone who has purportedly never acted on their urges / impulses but is still treated like an offender.


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[drunksunflower]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
allthegirls6 said:
Drunk, This site deals largely with people who have been hurt by sexual abuse,.

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Largely? It was my understanding that it deals with people with a MYRIAD of disorders.

[nothemama8]

when we tried to read the thread from lostson we all got triggered, yes he may be a victum, but those of us who still live our abuse need safety

[drunksunflower]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
nothemama8 said:
when we tried to read the thread from lostson we all got triggered, yes he may be a victum, but those of us who still live our abuse need safety

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Perhaps he still struggles with his own memories of abuse too? Or because he also suffers from the urges he does, does that mean his feelings are not valid?

Let me ask you: if he'd come on this board and only disclosed his own abuse, not the temptation he has to abuse others, would you have supported him?