Greetings. I may have given some of you the impression that I'm a heartless individual with many of my posts. I want to get better and I'm starting to like this community so I'm going to take a leap of faith here and throw myself at your mercy.

Truth be told, the dark exterior is nothing more than a defensive mechanism to prevent myself from being hurt. See? I'm so soft that I have to protect myself from random people on the internet. Pathetic huh?

Want to hear something even more pathetic? Up until a couple of months ago, I would cry myself to sleep on average of 1/3rd of the month. I often find the loneliness and lack of love in my life too much to bear, yet, I'm too damn afraid and weak to do something about it. Sometimes I've been so hurt and down that I've cried damn near half the day. I'm a coward who uses the darkness as a shield because I'm afraid of the light. I'm terrified with openness and showing any type of weakness to anybody else because of how many people who have hurt me so I take the easy way out and hide from people or show them only what they want to see so I can be shown some kind of compassion without having to work for it. If that doesn't make me a weak and pathetic excuse of a man than IDK what does

Now? I'm completely numb. I bury my feelings and emotions. All I literally do is try to make money off my business ventures and play video games with short breaks to go to the gym or the occasional Yoga class. I want to be rich and perfect because I feel like that will be the only way any woman would ever want anything to do with me. If I don't have a lot of money and perfect looks and I'm not good in bed, what else is there? A bottomless emotional pit of nothingness. At least having these things would compensate for how empty I am and would allow me to have love with a fraction of the work involved.

Don't get me wrong, I can love and I have a few people in my life who I love and cherish and I can even be a deep person to the rare individual who can earn my trust, but I find it difficult to bond emotionally with people especially women not because I'm a sexist or anything because I'm not but because of how many of them have hurt me in a major way. I also find it much easier to be friends with people than form relationships because there is a bigger emotional investment involved in a successful relationship and are much more painful when they fail than a friendship.

Most days, I'm content to live in my fantasy worlds or do my own thing in complete solitude but sometimes, the loneliness gets overwhelming. What's sad is that I find my goals involving making money and my fantasies about the awesome houses, fancy cars, advanced gadgets (I'm a geek at heart) and places I could travel exciting, but the moment I shift those fantasies towards women or love, I feel dread and sadness. Furthermore, almost anytime that I see romance on a movie or TV show or a happy looking couple in person, I feel sadness and sometimes even anger or envy.

In short, I want people to think that I'm bad *** or even an evil psychopath who could kill somebody without feeling anything so that they don't see me as a weakling and try to prey on me or hurt me. Under the tough exterior though, I'm nothing more than an outcast. A mere shadow in darkness that lurks at the edge of society.

I'm starting therapy soon to try to work through my problems, but in the meantime, I think talking about my my problems rather than continuing to hide might help me open up and starting here while I still have the protection of anonymity would likely be my best bet.

I feel like I'm taking a risk here so depending on how you guys respond, I'll either attempt to further open myself up in the future or I'll close myself off completely from most people.

Thanks for reading

I didn't think you were heartless even before I read this post. I think you're interesting, and I'm glad you're participating in these forums.

[lindamine]

Wow! I am so impressed with your post. I read your other post first as I was scanning through the forums and as I was reading it I felt so much compassion for the person writing it. How lonesome they must feel.

You have just done a complete 360 and I commend you for this. You just gave us a great share. You are an awesome writer and have quite a bit of talent in your writing. I loved your images of glass jars on the mantel in your other post. I so related to this.

Very much like this in my family. We have those glass bottles with all our dark stuff in them, but they get locked up in a room that no one is allowed to enter. We pretend they don't exist. But, as life happens, sometimes some of that darkness slipss out of the jar and under the closed door for the others to see. Then no one knows how to handle any of it. So, the family tries to sweep it up and scoot it back under that locked door.

I share your feelings of fear of being hurt. So many times I have put myself out there to try and start a relationship (not just the romantic sort) but to try and make a friend or aquaintance. I always feel so horrible after I reach out. Feeling very betrayed by people. I have suffered too much hurt and let downs in my life. I feel like all I have is me....and that's how it will always be.

I do hope you continue to post. I can tell you that I am in therapy and have made the commitment to myself to put ALL of me out there for help. I have decided to not hold anything back in the hopes of getting some sort of healing from the way I feel.

I hope you find a therapist that you can work well with. If the first one doesn't seem right, don't settle for it. Try and find another. With the right therapist all our darkness has a chance to become light and love. I have grown so much in therapy. Have been doing it weekly for the past seven years so you could imagine all I have put into it.

I still have trust issues but not near as bad as they once were.

Maybe someday you can bring your jar with you to therapy and show it. That's when true healing can happen.

I really loved reading yours posts. You are so talented at describing thoughts and make wonderful metaphors.

I look forward to reading more.
Feel free to PM me if you feel safer writing that way or continue on here.

It's awesome that you have decided to open the door with the mantel full of jars.
Linda

Don't you mean a 180? Doing a 360 would mean that I made a complete circle

Don't worry, I'm here for the long haul. I don't intend on going anywhere anytime soon

Metaphorically speaking, I don't think that I will ever be fully free from the darkness. It has become part of who I am. It has become in essence, my soul, my very being. I've relied on the darkness for so long for survival and I've been denied love and compassion for so long, that endless void of my own mind and the very means to survive are all that I know.

I also don't think that I will ever be fully 100% happy. About the only time that I'm even remotely content is when I'm alone with my own thoughts, ideas, and fantasies and even then the pain that I feel daily makes it impossible for me to be happy then. I might be able to find a middle ground sometime in the future to where I can feel at least somewhat content most of the time, but feeling actual happiness will likely never happen for me.

With that being said, however, I think that I still can be brought further to the light but it would take a long journey full of trials and further pain to do so. A good therapist and somebody to show me enough love and compassion might be just enough to bring me far enough in to where I might be able to love and trust in a somewhat healthy way again, but the darkness has become a part of me which would make it impossible to fully remove without killing me.

I believe that vulnerability is the strongest indicator of courage, so I applaud and respect your post.

Whether we want to admit it or not we all want to love and be loved. It's the human condition. Some of us marry our high-school sweetheart while others go a lifetime without finding someone who truly loves them.

You hear all the time that we have to love our selves before we can love someone else, and I have found that to be true. You seem like you do love your self (not in a narcissistic way) and have a full range of emotions. You're a good guy, so don't be afraid to look for a soul mate. Deep down I bet that you really don't want a woman who loves you because you make a lot of money or drive a fancy car, but loves you because you're a good guy. So if a woman turns you down for a date don't worry about it. Be patient, and you'll probably find love when you're not even looking for it.

Again, I applaud you for not being afraid to be vulnerable.

I also don't think that I will ever be fully 100% happy

Happiness seems to have become the ultimate goal of life in much of our popular culture. There's a saying that goes something like: "Happiness is a by-product of our actions in life, not the goal."

[Fuzzybear]

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

In short, I want people to think that I'm bad *** or even an evil psychopath who could kill somebody without feeling anything so that they don't see me as a weakling and try to prey on me or hurt me. Under the tough exterior though, I'm nothing more than an outcast. A mere shadow in darkness that lurks at the edge of society.

I suspect you will find that few are fooled, and at worst they will just think you are just a bit odd and be uncomfortable around you. So your strategy is, as you have observed, self-defeating. Good luck in your new and IMHO rather better strategy.

[Dog on a Tree]

Hello there, I've only seen 2 post of yours and both of them are in the thread I made. Both were nothing extreme or anything out of anger or darkness. You have your reasons and like you said it's a defense mechanism, this is natural.
No one is born into this world being defensive or anything like that. I hope when you do start therapy, that it goes well for you and I hope you can continue to open up on this forum. To me, this forum is a wonderful place, the people are nice and friendly.

All the best, take care.

[PixieRN]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Greetings. I may have given some of you the impression that I'm a heartless individual with many of my posts. I want to get better and I'm starting to like this community so I'm going to take a leap of faith here and throw myself at your mercy.

Truth be told, the dark exterior is nothing more than a defensive mechanism to prevent myself from being hurt. See? I'm so soft that I have to protect myself from random people on the internet. Pathetic huh?

Want to hear something even more pathetic? Up until a couple of months ago, I would cry myself to sleep on average of 1/3rd of the month. I often find the loneliness and lack of love in my life too much to bear, yet, I'm too damn afraid and weak to do something about it. Sometimes I've been so hurt and down that I've cried damn near half the day. I'm a coward who uses the darkness as a shield because I'm afraid of the light. I'm terrified with openness and showing any type of weakness to anybody else because of how many people who have hurt me so I take the easy way out and hide from people or show them only what they want to see so I can be shown some kind of compassion without having to work for it. If that doesn't make me a weak and pathetic excuse of a man than IDK what does

Now? I'm completely numb. I bury my feelings and emotions. All I literally do is try to make money off my business ventures and play video games with short breaks to go to the gym or the occasional Yoga class. I want to be rich and perfect because I feel like that will be the only way any woman would ever want anything to do with me. If I don't have a lot of money and perfect looks and I'm not good in bed, what else is there? A bottomless emotional pit of nothingness. At least having these things would compensate for how empty I am and would allow me to have love with a fraction of the work involved.

Don't get me wrong, I can love and I have a few people in my life who I love and cherish and I can even be a deep person to the rare individual who can earn my trust, but I find it difficult to bond emotionally with people especially women not because I'm a sexist or anything because I'm not but because of how many of them have hurt me in a major way. I also find it much easier to be friends with people than form relationships because there is a bigger emotional investment involved in a successful relationship and are much more painful when they fail than a friendship.

Most days, I'm content to live in my fantasy worlds or do my own thing in complete solitude but sometimes, the loneliness gets overwhelming. What's sad is that I find my goals involving making money and my fantasies about the awesome houses, fancy cars, advanced gadgets (I'm a geek at heart) and places I could travel exciting, but the moment I shift those fantasies towards women or love, I feel dread and sadness. Furthermore, almost anytime that I see romance on a movie or TV show or a happy looking couple in person, I feel sadness and sometimes even anger or envy.

In short, I want people to think that I'm bad *** or even an evil psychopath who could kill somebody without feeling anything so that they don't see me as a weakling and try to prey on me or hurt me. Under the tough exterior though, I'm nothing more than an outcast. A mere shadow in darkness that lurks at the edge of society.

I'm starting therapy soon to try to work through my problems, but in the meantime, I think talking about my my problems rather than continuing to hide might help me open up and starting here while I still have the protection of anonymity would likely be my best bet.

I feel like I'm taking a risk here so depending on how you guys respond, I'll either attempt to further open myself up in the future or I'll close myself off completely from most people.

Thanks for reading

Ever since I was a very small child, for some reason I still don't understand, it has been almost impossible to make friends or have people like me in general. In elementary and middle school I was bullied relentlessly by both sexes.

By the time high school rolled around, I had lost weight, grown tall, got nice boobs, got attractive, and most importantly, I had learned, after years of observation of others, exactly how I had to behave and interact with people so that I wouldn't be bullied and an be an outcast. I actually became popular, with tons of friends, boyfriends, and activities to do. But I was completely miserable because this persona was nothing remotely like the real me, I wore a faux personality that was very uncomfortable, and I was extremely bitter to all my "friends" because I knew they did not like the authentic me.

By college, I said "f*** it". It was too hard to keep up and too painfull. After that, I never made a friend in college, despite being thin and society's idea of beautiful. It just didn't happen. The shining light of my life was a man that existed who found me and liked me. I wasn't even looking because that was an impossibility to me. We married at 20 and have been married now for 15 years.

It wasn't until I entered the work force that a very sweet and outgoing coworker reached out to me and we became great friends for a long time. She was my only friend.

However, when mental illness took me out behind the knees after the birth of my children, I succumbed to anorexia and bulimia, and was ultimately was diagnosed with BP1, things began to change. I wore her out with problem after problem.

Despite years of friendship, she began withdrawing, not answering her phone. I had to pry the truth out of her...that in order for her to maintain her happiness, she needed to separate from me. Serious crushing ouch.

The only other friend I have made was a woman my age that I met in the hospital for my anorexia...personality wise, we were identical and we even shared the same MI diagnosis. We have been long distance, but she was my best friend since I was 30. She commited suicide in May.

My coworkers don't like me (on my eval I was told to work on integrating socially into the team). I have no friends at all, and no hope that I will gain them. It's crushing. I can't figure out what is wrong with me or what I am doing wrong so I can correct it.

It's a big, painful hole in my life that I am desperately and unsuccessfully trying to fill. I seem to have it all, good looks, nice body, empathy, a listening ear, and a good paying job. But it doesn't matter like I thought it would.

So I want to give you a virtual hug, because I know it hurts and makes you question your very identity. Though different stories, I know the pain of rejection and what it feels like to give up. ::

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk

[*Laurie*]

Thank you, Darkness. Beautiful post.

[Angelwngs25]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Furthermore, almost anytime that I see romance on a movie or TV show or a happy looking couple in person, I feel sadness and sometimes even anger or envy.

I used to be angry or envious, because I wasn't married and it made me sad to see my friends getting married or other people getting married. But I knew eventually I would be married. And I have waited 7 years to marry my Fiance. Our wedding date is fairly soon now, we are getting married October 30. I am not trying to rub it in your face that I have my true love and I am getting married. I am saying don't give up because someday you will find a woman you can love just like my Fiance and I love each other. You will find love, and you need to tell yourself that. Before I dated my Fiance I went through guys like crazy, none of them lasted but a few months. Then I found my Fiance whom I have spent 7 wonderful years with and you will someday find someone that is just right. I will pray for you that you will find someone that makes you happy and that you will love for a long time.

Blessed be,
Angelwngs25

Uh- Huh.

[avlady]

I am so sorry your friend passed away. I am happy that you had the time to have a true friend at least once in your life even though it didn't work out the way you wished. I will be attending my 37 year olds funeral memorial on this saturday and hadn't seen her for years but am dreading it. As i'm getting older there are so many more people i have known in my life or they have touched my life, they are dying, i'm 54 years old so i should expect this to happen, it's like every day i wake up another one's gone. I am trying to stay religious as i try to be a religious person and believe in my religion completely with my heart and soul. Please pray for all of us here whoever reads this-we all need each other.

Originally Posted by kindness

I believe that vulnerability is the strongest indicator of courage, so I applaud and respect your post.

Whether we want to admit it or not we all want to love and be loved. It's the human condition. Some of us marry our high-school sweetheart while others go a lifetime without finding someone who truly loves them.

You hear all the time that we have to love our selves before we can love someone else, and I have found that to be true. You seem like you do love your self (not in a narcissistic way) and have a full range of emotions. You're a good guy, so don't be afraid to look for a soul mate. Deep down I bet that you really don't want a woman who loves you because you make a lot of money or drive a fancy car, but loves you because you're a good guy. So if a woman turns you down for a date don't worry about it. Be patient, and you'll probably find love when you're not even looking for it.

Again, I applaud you for not being afraid to be vulnerable.

Yes, deep down I do want somebody to love and understand me and not for money or anything else material, but I don't like being emotionally vulnerable and at another persons mercy so I seek the next best thing: somebody who loves me for something that I have or something that I can do for them that way I can slack on the intimacy part and still gain some type of love.

Since I'm sick of typing because I work from home and type a lot of code and gain 90% of my social life from social media which I do even more typing on, I'm going to link this picture because it describes perfectly how I feel about this topic:

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

Uh- Huh.

You know, this is either the second or third thread of mine that you have come around making condescending sarcastic remarks on and I'm getting sick of it.

Either offer something constructive to say or go away. I don't have time for your games.

I'm not going to let a mere internet troll ruin my day. Cheers!

As to everybody else on this thread, I thank you for your input and support!

[Cat_Lover_58]

I think you sound very much like I was or still am to a certain extent. I understand the isolating part. I work face to face with the public, and after a long shift, I just want to come home and chill. I don't want or need the interaction like I used to. I now value my time to read, reflect, write, and work on a side business idea.

I've been hurt too and it's a perfectly natural thing to just want to crawl into a hole and stay there. At some point though, I came out of that cave. (this job forced me) I was timid, quiet, and felt so awkward and not authentic at all. After being at this job...face to face with people ALL the time...my boss LOL and says, "Now, I can't get you to shut up" That is the authentic me @ my job...

I enjoyed reading your post and see nothing less than a person that wants to get better and change. My hat's off to you...change is hard but it's attainable! I'm glad you are part of our community...Cat

Originally Posted by Cat_Lover_58

I think you sound very much like I was or still am to a certain extent. I understand the isolating part. I work face to face with the public, and after a long shift, I just want to come home and chill. I don't want or need the interaction like I used to. I now value my time to read, reflect, write, and work on a side business idea.

I've been hurt too and it's a perfectly natural thing to just want to crawl into a hole and stay there. At some point though, I came out of that cave. (this job forced me) I was timid, quiet, and felt so awkward and not authentic at all. After being at this job...face to face with people ALL the time...my boss LOL and says, "Now, I can't get you to shut up" That is the authentic me @ my job...

I enjoyed reading your post and see nothing less than a person that wants to get better and change. My hat's off to you...change is hard but it's attainable! I'm glad you are part of our community...Cat

Thanks. That's why I'm here! To learn and grow and hopefully utilize my fairly unique mindset and experiences to help others grow as well.

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

You know, this is either the second or third thread of mine that you have come around making condescending sarcastic remarks on and I'm getting sick of it.

Either offer something constructive to say or go away. I don't have time for your games.

I'm not going to let a mere internet troll ruin my day. Cheers!

As to everybody else on this thread, I thank you for your input and support!

The ASPD is in personality place.

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

The ASPD is in personality place.

I never said I had ASPD. I have some traits that are antisocial but said traits are defensive mechanisms and nothing more.

Even if I did have ASPD, what relevance does it have on my post? I don't go around needlessly hurting others or screwing people over. I've become the way I am due to a history of abuse. I'm not a bad person by any means and I seek to learn more about myself and grow like most everybody else here.

Many ASPD people and many sociopaths and psychopaths feel lonely and have emotional pain daily too. Furthermore, hiding is common with these types of people because that was their only option growing up.

Despite what you may believe, many people on the more extreme end of the ASPD scale can learn to control their symptoms, develop cognitive empathy, and become decent people. To think otherwise is closed minded and immature.

Finally, with you making childish remarks on my posts and making claims that you know little about, it is likely that you have more AS traits than me or at the very least haven't had time to grow and mature into a healthy adult.

Face it, you don't know me personally and it is highly unlikely that you ever will. One can't make claims on the type of person somebody is by what they say on the internet.

I would appreciate it if you would refrain from commenting on my posts in the future especially if your sole intent to make baseless claims about my personality or to throw random word games at me.

Have a nice day

I am just giving an opinion. Every other post you make is about a "Target" "one night stand" or "manipulation".

I read what you write. I read a lot of posts on here. I am reacting to things you have said.

I don't play word games. I respond just as truthfully in all my posts even among bipolars.

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

I am just giving an opinion. Every other post you make is about a "Target" "one night stand" or "manipulation".

I read what you write. I read a lot of posts on here. I am reacting to things you have said.

I don't play word games. I respond just as truthfully in all my posts even among bipolars.

Well than perhaps you should check my profile and check my posts? I have made posts about manipulation and I have posted about one night stands and casual sex but pretty much all of my posts regarding those are me trying to cope with trust issues.

What about the many posts about me being afraid to let people get close to me or my issues trusting or opening up to others.

What about my posts offering advice to other members?

It is true that I manipulate sometimes and it also is true that I've participated in more casual sex than I'm proud of, but all of this is due to trust issues and fears of letting others learn about me.

I don't manipulate others to hurt them but to protect myself and my said manipulation is usually lying about myself and pushing people away or wearing some kind of mask solely out of my fear of trusting other people. I have never done anything out of malice.

You can't throw a PD diagnosis on me over some of my posts on this site. Stop cherry picking my posts and stop assuming that I'm this evil person behind a computer and open your mind please.

Also, I should add that I could have any number of problems that I haven't discussed on PC which would make the possibilities or what I am or am not even more endless.

[LettinG0]

Hey Darkness....

I'm glad that you took that leap of faith and posted some hard stuff....

I hope you have great success with therapy and find a way to work toward all of your goals.....loneliness and lack of companionship can be hard burdens to bear....may friendship and love find their way to you soon!

[Angelwngs25]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

The ASPD is in personality place.

You are a total @sshole. You don't even know this guy and he is coming here for help and support and you treat him like this. You need some serious help yourself.