[Onward2wards]

All my adult life (literally) I've had well intentioned feedback come my way, of the following kind, from parents, friends, family members, work managers, therapists:

"You're too timid ... you need to be bolder in life"
"What's with the 'fatal hesitation"?"
"You must have a guilt complex"
"You're always GOING to do something ... just do it!"
"Why do you have to make everything so complicated? It's easy."
"You're avoiding things again"
"I've never seen anyone so self-critical"
"You're a good person who can't see the good in himself"
"It's like you've had one failure too many"
"You need to work on your self-esteem"
"Stop letting others treat you like a doormat"
"You weren't put on earth just to make everyone else happy" (To which I want to reply "I know that ... I'm not making people happy, I'm not sure why I am so passive")
"Don't be afraid to speak up"
"You have to have the courage of your own convictions"
"You are an expert emotional stuffer"
"Why are you apologizing? It's about time you were assertive!"
"Don't worry, it may never happen" (To which I always reply: "What do you think I'm worried about!? Good things NOT happening!!")
"Why do things always happen to you?" (I wonder this myself, thanks for noticing)
"We need to get you out of that 'shell' "

The fact is, they're all right. I've been this way for too long and I can't take it anymore. I've tried meds, therapy, self-help ... not impressed with the results so far ... this is getting plain stupid. I don't know what to do. When I look in the mirror when shaving every day my thoughts are like "Oh no, it's HIM again ... there goes the neighborhood. Poor sap."

I'm so TIRED. I don't know how to really even define what's wrong with me. I'm not looking for anyone to try and diagnose me or label whatever-it-is, I just needed to vent. I'm fed up. "It" needs to crawl under a rock ... so I can drop said rock on it. With a sledgehammer. Repeatedly.

[CANDC]

Hi onwards. You are very good at hearing the critical comments of the critical self whether from others or from within. Unfortunately I do not hear the balance of the reinforcing self coming out in your post.

So what do you do to find it? One thing that has worked is to put a sign up wherever you will notice it. "What did / do I do right?

Another is to list all your positive accomplishments no matter how far back.

List anything you would like to leave as a legacy to this world. (You have a gift that no one else can give this world - that is your legacy)

Read the book CALLINGS by Gregg Levoy that talks about the struggles people go through trying to find their real calling in life.

Feel free to PM me.

Also we need people to come down to the Christmas - Holiday Party on December 25th in the chat room. 3PM - 5PM EST or whenever you can make it down during thoses times. Look for room CHRISTMAS PARTY (pretty original name LOL)

BTW the most important thing that has helped me get out of the prison of the critical self is laughter. How could that happen? Good question.

Onwards, take a break in your head from diagnosing yourself. Just wake up and not respond or react, just live in the moment. If you want something, get it. If you want to go somewhere, go. It does not have to make sense. You are trying to organize your life and that does not work. Just do it, walk outside go for a walk and observe all the wonderful things that you see. blessings

[IrisBloom]

Some people naturally have a meek personality. Others are made that way. Have you ever taken assertiveness training? I'm sure you can find lots of resources online about it. I hope you can find some tools to help you.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Onward2wards

All my adult life (literally) I've had well intentioned feedback come my way, of the following kind, from parents, friends, family members, work managers, therapists:

"You're too timid ... you need to be bolder in life"
"What's with the 'fatal hesitation"?"
"You must have a guilt complex"
"You're always GOING to do something ... just do it!"
"Why do you have to make everything so complicated? It's easy."
"You're avoiding things again"
"I've never seen anyone so self-critical"
"You're a good person who can't see the good in himself"
"It's like you've had one failure too many"
"You need to work on your self-esteem"
"Stop letting others treat you like a doormat"
"You weren't put on earth just to make everyone else happy" (To which I want to reply "I know that ... I'm not making people happy, I'm not sure why I am so passive")
"Don't be afraid to speak up"
"You have to have the courage of your own convictions"
"You are an expert emotional stuffer"
"Why are you apologizing? It's about time you were assertive!"
"Don't worry, it may never happen" (To which I always reply: "What do you think I'm worried about!? Good things NOT happening!!")
"Why do things always happen to you?" (I wonder this myself, thanks for noticing)
"We need to get you out of that 'shell' "

The fact is, they're all right. I've been this way for too long and I can't take it anymore. I've tried meds, therapy, self-help ... not impressed with the results so far ... this is getting plain stupid. I don't know what to do. When I look in the mirror when shaving every day my thoughts are like "Oh no, it's HIM again ... there goes the neighborhood. Poor sap."

I'm so TIRED. I don't know how to really even define what's wrong with me. I'm not looking for anyone to try and diagnose me or label whatever-it-is, I just needed to vent. I'm fed up. "It" needs to crawl under a rock ... so I can drop said rock on it. With a sledgehammer. Repeatedly.

Quick question: Have you been through much abuse in life or other violent trauma brought on by other people directed at you?

[shezbut]

((((Onwards2wards)))))

I can relate ~ a lot!! I have very negative self-talk that seems to be etched inside of my brain with lasers or something. (It is strong!) And, I've been fighting it f-o-r-e-v-e-r. It's exhausting. It's frustrating. It infuriates me! Yet, despite ALL of my hard work and time, these continue to haunt my daily life.

You aren't alone. But, that probably doesn't make you feel any better, I know.

Hi O2. I think we all live in a framework of societal expectations. In the West and in the US, there's approval of and an emphasis on extroversion and assertiveness.

People who don't fit this mold often get criticized for it. I think men get criticized even more often.

I have been trying to work on staying in the moment. I may not be happy with lots of things in my life (I'm not), but right now, in the present moment, I am good enough. I can relax. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to have goals or try to change things that I do, but right this very minute, things are not so bad.

[newday2020]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi onwards. You are very good at hearing the critical comments of the critical self whether from others or from within. Unfortunately I do not hear the balance of the reinforcing self coming out in your post.

So what do you do to find it? One thing that has worked is to put a sign up wherever you will notice it. "What did / do I do right?

Another is to list all your positive accomplishments no matter how far back.

List anything you would like to leave as a legacy to this world. (You have a gift that no one else can give this world - that is your legacy)

Read the book CALLINGS by Gregg Levoy that talks about the struggles people go through trying to find their real calling in life.

Feel free to PM me.

Also we need people to come down to the Christmas - Holiday Party on December 25th in the chat room. 3PM - 5PM EST or whenever you can make it down during thoses times. Look for room CHRISTMAS PARTY (pretty original name LOL)

BTW the most important thing that has helped me get out of the prison of the critical self is laughter. How could that happen? Good question.

That sounds like an interesting book I'd like to read!! Thanks

Sounds like you are surrounded by extremely critical, self-absorbed, arrogant people. How sad is that?

Maybe a T can help you with changes YOU want to make in your life. There is no need to change or conform to what someone else believes you SHOULD be. You most likely have qualities that are to be envied.

Sad that people don't appreciate you for who you are. The problem here is not necessarily with you.

[Onward2wards]

Originally Posted by Cloudburst

Sounds like you are surrounded by extremely critical, self-absorbed, arrogant people. How sad is that?

I have never considered that. To be fair though, all the criticisms I listed happened over many years and were always genuinely well-intentioned, I believe. Maybe it was well meant but at times a bit overboard?

[(JD)]

Well goodness that's quite a list they have for you (though you wrote it out)...

Why not pick one thing that you do agree with and that really bothers you and work on that this next year. Forget the rest until you are satisfied with the progress on that one thing. Then, this time next year, you will be a better person and you'll know it!

[gayleggg]

We can't expect to please everyone and these people with their well meaning observations don't walk in our shoes. It is hard to overcome our liabilities by ourselves. We can only do our best to be the best person we can be. No should ask for more.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[eskielover]

Sounds like a self esteem problem. The list is all related with that as the underlying theme. Have you ever tried DBT for therapy. I learned so much about myself in that therapy & it sort of empowers self & teaches skills so we feel more in control of our own lives.

The question is do you feel the same way about yourself that these people did with their criticism? Or is it just them being critical. If you like the way you are...it's not a problem. It not then it is something to work on