My son doesn't want to go to his dad's ....worried

I think I just need to vent here because I'm too stressed and it feels crippling. Not sure if anyone relates to that...so here goes.

I've been seperated/divorced since 2001. My ex has a history of abuse towards me. He unfortunately became like this through not being well. He would explode out of nowhere and at the time my son was 3 (in 1996).

My son definately has been through a lot. I tried to shield him as best I could from these blow-ups or when he was unstable, but as we all know it still has an effect.

Like I said I had seperated in 2001, which was interesting because intermittently through those years I had tried very hard to work on this marriage, and at the end (last year 2000-2001) My ex was under the assumption when he came clean with his mess in 2000 that things were working and going well, but in reality what he did had put me into shock and took about 6 months to seep in.

Anyways, my son would have outbursts when he was young and my ex and I were together. My son didn't treat me too well either because basically the therapist said to my ex ...he learned that from him.

My ex was more of a "buddy" to his son and never I think I just need to vent here because I'm too stressed and it feels crippling. Not sure if anyone relates to that...so here goes.

I've been seperated/divorced since 2001. My ex has a history of abuse towards me. He unfortunately became like this through not being well. He would explode out of nowhere and at the time my son was 3 (in 1996).

My son definately has been through a lot. I tried to shield him as best I could from these blow-ups or when he was unstable, but as we all know it still has an effect.

Like I said I had seperated in 2001, which was interesting because intermittenly through those years I had tried very hard to work on this marriage, and at the end (last year 2000-2001) My ex was under the assumption when he came clean with his mess in 2000 that things were working and going well, but in reality what he did had put me into shock and took about 6 months to seep in.

Anyways, my son would have outbursts when he was young and my ex and I were together. My son didn't treat me too well either because basically the therapist said to my ex ...he learned that from him.

My ex was more of a "buddy" to his son and never disciplined him until he couldn't take it anymore...then he'd yell at him (as far as I knew) This didn't happen too much when we were together as I was more the mother and father to him and he didn't have to get like this with him.

When we divorced though my son continued these outburst with my ex. My ex didn't know what to do cuz they were getting out of hand. He had to even bring him back home to me because he couldn't handle it.

Let me explain that my son is 13 and he has down syndrome. He's extremely strong. He's very intelligent though and very gentle...and funny. Really a great kid. Very easy going etc.

My son and I healed our relationship because when I kicked his dad out he blamed me and was upset with me for about a year. He would always look to go to his father's because he was the "fun guy" and really he does love his dad and honesly my ex does love his son ...he is just not "equipped" to be the kind of dad I really think he wants to be.

Anyways, when my son has one of these "outbursts" he snaps. His whole face changes and he's unreachable. Everything and anything within reach of him gets damaged or hurt. My ex didn't know what to do. I told him to do what we were told way back when when we were together. Just hold him so he doesn't get hurt or anything and let him calm down. Do not repremand him or even talk to him. My son will spit and call you names etc. I'm like don't respond to any of this because it only fuels it.

It might take about 5minutes to hold him, but when he's done ...He cries. It's like he comes out of it.

One day my ex couldn't handle it and brought him home. He had one of these outburst in a target. I know that my ex has lost his patience w/him on few occassion and this has effected my son.

My son told me once that his dad threw something at him. I directly asked him if this was the case (meaning his dad) and he said yes ..admitted it(which he will tell the truth if you ask the right exact question) He said he did so because my son wet on purpose off of the bowl.

I said to him I don't care what he does...you don't touch him or you'll have a much bigger problem here. I won't have it. I told him to go to that therapist ...or some therapist for help. I said if you don't you won't like what will happen cuz for this I'll deal with you. Which means involving the court. (which I don't want to do, but I would in this situation)

You have to understand as well I need to be careful with my ex as he's been unstable many times in the past and many times he wanted me dead and attempted it when he was unstable. So it's difficult for me. It was difficult for me to divorce because I was afraid of his stability, but I couldn't be responsible for his any longer. It was the right decision as I'm a much better mother to my son because I don't have that "weight" on me.

Anyways, he agreed and went for awhile. My ex has this wonderful coping mechanism of forgetting the "bad". Putting it somewhere.

He told me it's all his fault he's having these outbursts as he's only having them with him and I don't know how to discipline. I need to learn how and supposedly the things I told him to do when he had them was correct.

So they had basically got better (these outbursts) and supposedly he hasn't had one in a year.

Let me state that in about 6months time I've noticed my son "sticking" more to me. It made me feel good because the usual was my son wanted to go to his fathers and after some time would pass...then he'd want to see me. It's like he knew I was "home" and things were consistent here.

There have been times in the past 6months that I have been at functions w/my ex and his family, which he now has a step son and a new daughter.

My son will immediately (if he came with him) come sit by me and stay with me. Even his step brother will sit with us because he wants to be with my son (his step-brother).

Well I started noticing now that my son would be checking with me his schedule and wanting to know when he was with me. He would tell me he missed me and kind of be disappointed often if he wasn't with me on whatever weekend.

This wasn't the norm. i mean he'd be like that if he knew I was doing "something" he wanted to do, but just to want to automatically stay with me wasn't the norm.

Now ... last week I went to the door to let my son in after being w/my ex and my ex was nervous. He started to state how he had a difficult time and my son had an outburst. He was sort of rambling. Explaining the situation and saying he didn't understand why this had happened. He had to restrain him and in the scuffle he bit his lip.

My son was upset so I said I'd talk to him and talk to my ex later.

My son told me a little bit about the situation and was most upset though because he said his dad slammed the door in his face.

I had to tell my son it was ok to tell me what happened etc. It's hard for my son to talk because A.-he's disabled and has a hard time communicating when he's upset. & B- I'm not sure if he's afraid to tell me or if he's embarrassed or just a combination of things.

I tell him it's ok and that I just want to understand what he's feeling to try to help him and avoid this problem for him the next time. That I'll talk to daddy to help so that doesn't happen.

Well he was most upset with that happening.

I told my ex this the next day. I was dreading this talk with him. I'm so stressed about so many things and I find I sort of just tap out because I'm overwhelmed, but obviously I needed to address this.

He said that he had to push him into the door cuz he was kicking the furniture and breaking things...that's how it happened.

I went over it step by step with him and told him again to not talk to him until it's over, which he admitted he was wrong. My ex was very concerned about my son and felt very badly...this was obvious, but my son didn't want to go with him. He was mad at him.

Next day he did and he must have talked with him trying to make it right. My son seemed to feel better, but he does not want to go with his dad. If I say "ok daddy's coming to get you ...his response is Awwww. If it's that ok you're staying with me tonight ..it's "yayyy!"

This just goes on and on now.

I don't know what to do with this. I'm worried.

I don't know if his step brother is bothering him because he's very hyper and my son is quiet and this outburst happened because he had to come in the room to repremand both of them and my son was angry w/his step brother, but as if something happened? I'm not sure what it was though, but I know he said it wasn't his fault. So that makes me think that something happened there that he felt upset about and here his dad comes in and now they are both in trouble? or that it's difficult coming from just me to an instant family and just it's busy. I don't know??

My family is concerned to hear him say he doesn't want to go though. They are worried as well, but haven't really said more then it'll just get worse.

I'm overwhelmed by a lot of things going on at the same time and just this feels like it's hovering over me and it's a huge concern.

Ahhhh that's all I can say for now.

~E

> I'm overwhelmed by a lot of things going on at the same time...

Do you have access to any support for people who have Down's (or families with such children)? It seems to me that would be a good place to look for help.

Eva first n foremost {{{{{EVA}}}}}}}

my heart goes out to you as a mom and as a friend

listen to your mom instincts as what to do for your son.. its a difficult road but you know whats best for him. you have that unconditional love for him that noone else has.

we'll talk more in PMs.. ,luv ya..

XOXO Vee

in my state if a child that age doesn't want to go with other parent it can't be forced. it sounds like he is afraid of his dad and apparently good reason. I would tell the ex to give it some time and not force him to go visit.

(((((((((( Eva ))))))))))))))

You've received some good advice. I think I would talk to your son's Dr about this. Your ex doesn't sound like the type to tell too much on himself.

You definately need some down time for yourself, but you can't let your son be upset by his Dad. Is there someone who can watch him for a few hours on the weekend so you can have some time for yourself while you work this out?

Hugs,

Jan

Yes pachyderm I do have connections with ppl who have children with Down's

Yeah be ... I know what you mean & my closest friend at the same time had just gone through something major w/her girls and had to have their father arrested b/c her youngest showed evidence.

She's got a difficult road ahead, but has a lot of support to go up agains him. He is definately over the top as far as anger and abuse goes.

She will be going to court soon ..so I have my fingers x'd for her and her daughters.

Thanks for replying both of you.

~E

<<<< (( V )) >>>>

Thanks ...I know you'd understand this. Thanks for your and support.

It really means a lot to me.

Tty soon

luv yah

~E

(((( < < Jan > > ))))

I had to leave my son w/a friend for a couple of hours with her daughters so they could play while I had an appt. with my family.

He ended up calling me 2x worried where I was.

He's doing a little better right now and went with his dad today. His dad was taking them somewhere fun this weekend so my son was looking forward to that and not as clingy with me.

I know that his dad feels very bad since that weekend and has tried to make it up to him.

He hasn't seen my son too much, but has stopped by a few times to sit with him and talk.

Hopefully my son enjoys the weekend. He will be calling me ( he made sure to tell me ... lol)

Thanks for responding...Haven't heard from you in a long time Jan ... Hope you are doing well.

Miss yah

~E

Stick with your mom instincts...seek supervised visitation or none at all for him...

(((((((( Eva )))))))))

I'm hanging in here.

Remember, dear friend, that no matter how remorseful your ex may seem, there is never an excuse for a parent to be the south end of a north bound donkey.

Hugs and love,

Jan