[coldwut]

I haven't really been eating well this semester and probably last semester, but it's not as bad as it is now.

I think I tried talking about it to someone about my eating habits and how I just have a few snacks a day but they took it as I eat a lot of snacks throughout the day instead of three big meals and said that I was healthy. I didn't know how to tell them how little I've actually been eating.

There are some that know but they probably don't know the extent of it. One was shocked that all I ate one day was some cotton candy.

I've usually been like a candy bar and maybe some chips, or crackers and cheese, plus dinner on some days, or a small bowl of cereal. It's basically eat one bowl of cereal in the morning, maybe a snack in the afternoon, and maybe dinner. Some days I just eat one snack.

I'm not sure if stress is causing this or my meds or both but a part of me is glad that I am losing weight and I sometimes make plans not eat, or only eat a certain amount, and starve myself because maybe my hips won't be so big and I won't have anymore periods and maybe I'll stop getting misgendered.

And it just feels weird to eat when it goes into my stomach, even though I may like the taste and texture of something. Sometimes I find myself unable to eat something because it's texture makes me want to gag, and my school doesn't always cook tge things in the same way. Or I forget to eat.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I also don't know where to put this, as it doesn't really fit into any eating disorders. I don't try to do this on purpose, although I may be glad to lose weight, but it's not why I have an eating problem. Food is just hard for me to eat and I only like a small amount of things, and my appetite has been off.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by coldwut

I haven't really been eating well this semester and probably last semester, but it's not as bad as it is now.

I think I tried talking about it to someone about my eating habits and how I just have a few snacks a day but they took it as I eat a lot of snacks throughout the day instead of three big meals and said that I was healthy. I didn't know how to tell them how little I've actually been eating.

There are some that know but they probably don't know the extent of it. One was shocked that all I ate one day was some cotton candy.

I've usually been like a candy bar and maybe some chips, or crackers and cheese, plus dinner on some days, or a small bowl of cereal. It's basically eat one bowl of cereal in the morning, maybe a snack in the afternoon, and maybe dinner. Some days I just eat one snack.

I'm not sure if stress is causing this or my meds or both but a part of me is glad that I am losing weight and I sometimes make plans not eat, or only eat a certain amount, and starve myself because maybe my hips won't be so big and I won't have anymore periods and maybe I'll stop getting misgendered.

And it just feels weird to eat when it goes into my stomach, even though I may like the taste and texture of something. Sometimes I find myself unable to eat something because it's texture makes me want to gag, and my school doesn't always cook tge things in the same way. Or I forget to eat.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I also don't know where to put this, as it doesn't really fit into any eating disorders. I don't try to do this on purpose, although I may be glad to lose weight, but it's not why I have an eating problem. Food is just hard for me to eat and I only like a small amount of things, and my appetite has been off.

You need help. You know it. Professional help. You need to figure how you are going to get this help.

[coldwut]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

You need help. You know it. Professional help. You need to figure how you are going to get this help.

I know I need help, and it took me a while to figure out how bad it's actually gotten. But then I read that other people forget to eat and maybe I'm just making a big deal out of this because I don't seem to even be at risk for an eating disorder if I were to go by the screenings. This probably doesn't make much sense. I'm tired and barely ate today. Sorry.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by coldwut

I know I need help, and it took me a while to figure out how bad it's actually gotten. But then I read that other people forget to eat and maybe I'm just making a big deal out of this because I don't seem to even be at risk for an eating disorder if I were to go by the screenings. This probably doesn't make much sense. I'm tired and barely ate today. Sorry.

I think it is good you came on Psych Central for some feedback. What alarmed me was your distress around your period. That is a psychological issue. That you are linking this to eating...you see, this isn't healthy.

How you are eating is painful. You are probably not getting enough calories to sustain yourself throughout the day. Eating candy is so so so bad. You might as well be taking speed. The sugar in the candy is raising your blood sugar level so you get a quick bit of energy. But it doesn't sustain you and will leave you MORE TIRED. You are completely ruining your metabolism.

Your body is so stressed by what you are doing. You cannot exist on snacks or trash non-food like cotton candy. You are starving yourself of fuel. Of course you are going to be tired. You need carbs in the form of healthy fruits and vegetables. You need protein. You need grains. If your school doesn't have healthy choices you can even find fruits in convenience stores these days. Carry around an apple, a banana, a couple of cheese sticks...for good energy. Also...it sounds like you need to eat MORE.

ALSO...as you eat less you lose you appetite. This isn't normal. It is starvation. So if you aren't hungry it is because you are going whole days with hardly eating!!!!!!!!!! The average woman needs a minimum of 1200 to 1500 calories per day to feel good.

You need to make a "take action" list and stick it up where you can see it...somewhere like your closet door, or on your mirror. Put it where it is in your face. Don't let yourself off the hook. I think you need to seek professional help whether or not you think you need it right now, because the direction you are going in is dangerous.

Please understand your are on the inside of this and it is hard to get proper judgement.

What if you asked people if they thought it was normal for you to sometimes exist on 200 or 300 calories a day, or eating just junk food? What would they say? Be honest. That's the first step. Get brutally honest with yourself.

When you resolve your issues with food it won't be a problem. It will be a way to fuel yourself, and it can be enjoyable, but it want run your life.

Anyway, don't be scared about seeking help. Everyone who you talk to will respect you for asking for help. Including me.

cereal and cheese is a good start. Maybe introduce yogurt to the cheese and crackers, and make sure the cereal has no sugar in it. Gradually add fruit to the cereal. Ensure at least one drink you have during the day is something healthy like orange juice or milk. As for the urge to have a candy bar maybe introduce a granol bar instead. Little 'exposures' to new foods like this will gradually lead to a proper diet. A litte 'win' each day is something to be proud of. Eventually it wil be easier to eat.

[DechanDawa]

rcat is absolutely right and wise in all her suggestions...

But I think you still need to make an appointment to talk with someone. Soon. You can probably go through Student Services at your school. (Since you mentioned being misgendered, you will have to talk about this as it relates to your body dysmophia and calorie restriction.)

You can do it. You came on Psych Central and talked about it so bravely. Well done, you!

Please keep checking back and let us know how you are doing.

[coldwut]

My problems with my period is usually when I am on my period and then I get really dysphoric. If there are people around when I am trying to buy pads I feel like they probably don't see me as a real man.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by coldwut

My problems with my period is usually when I am on my period and then I get really dysphoric. If there are people around when I am trying to buy pads I feel like they probably don't see me as a real man.

Okay, so you're transgender. Do you have support from an LGBT community?

I still suggest you make a "take action" list. Which is something guys would like to do. lol Start replacing junk food with healthier foods. Which will take time, like having to make plans and going to stores that have the foods you need. Then...eating. And make an appointment. I can't see any way around getting counseling.

How the heck are you going to do all this if you are tired???

Your path can be exciting. But health requires commitment. You also sound depressed. You are hiding your habits. Get out of the cave into the sunlight. That's all I can say. In my recovery from depression and anxiety nutrition is one of the big three: good food, sleep, exercise. That's the big umbrella on my take charge list and everything else falls under those three.

PS Nobody in a store cares about you buying personal products and who they are for. My ex-husband would sometimes buy my personal products.

[DechanDawa]

When I was in my 20's I lost a ton of weight (mostly because of struggling in my career and not having much money, but also taking ballet lessons which totally warps one's ideas about one's body and food) and I got super thin. I felt androgynous and I really liked that feeling. That is the closest I came to the weird empowerment an eating disorder can provoke. I liked floating somewhere between masculine and feminine. I gained muscle and that further empowered me. But it is not healthy. It's an obsession. You have to make your goal being healthy and fit. Everything else, including your identity, will flow from that, I am sure.

[coldwut]

I'm trying to eat healthy, and I have plans to eat more healthy food but that doesn't always happen. I wonder if I might have ARFID, because while my gender dysphoria is part of the reasons why I have eating problems, along with my mental health problems (sometimes I'm too happy/hypo(manic) and I forget to eat, or I believe my food is being poisoned), most of it is around a lack of appetite and sensory issues. I also find that I have a hard time swallowing things.

I'll buy some pre-made fruit smoothies.

EDIT: I should also mentioned that I grew up not being able to eat much due to food insecurity, which isn't good when I already have eating problems.

I do have a group for trans people that I go to every two weeks so maybe I can talk about it there. I understand that not eating won't really help, and I can also stop my periods with birth control pills. At least until I get on testosterone.

[DechanDawa]

If you are going to trans you are going to need a lot of counseling along the way. Well, I hope you will because now so many people are reversing their trans, and I think maybe if they had more counseling in the first place it would have been helpful. Because going trans then reversing trans --- the poor body! That must put so much stress on the body.

I encourage you to speak out in your support group. Now that you have started talking here on PC, I hope all of us here have helped you realize that when you find safe places to speak out, maybe it helps you figure things out.

Thumbs up on the fruit smoothies! I am a smoothie fan and have them every day.

I am sorry you grew up in a situation of food insecurity. I could see how this would start up a whole pattern of stoic undereating. It is an interesting thought that this could lead to ARFID and it certainly seems possible.

The point is, you can do this.

It seems obvious you need to get yourself into a counseling situation where the professionals are aware of all the symptoms you are experiencing, and can address them one by one.

Do this for yourself. The pressures of school are enormous without all of this, too. Hugs. You are going to be okay.

[possum220]

It is important that you do get help in a number of areas but I suspect that you know that. There are times when we get trapped by our physical selves not just our psychological issues. Please try to treat yourself with great self care and seek help in both areas. One does not exist in isolation from the other.

We are hear to listen.

[handheart]

Well you must choose a meal plan and be careful what you eat

[coldwut]

Originally Posted by handheart

Well you must choose a meal plan and be careful what you eat

I'm not sure what you mean by meal plan. I know I should limit my sweets or replace them with fruit.

[coldwut]

Originally Posted by possum220

It is important that you do get help in a number of areas but I suspect that you know that. There are times when we get trapped by our physical selves not just our psychological issues. Please try to treat yourself with great self care and seek help in both areas. One does not exist in isolation from the other.

We are hear to listen.

I plan to make an appointment with a counselor. I haven't seen them at all this semester, and I know that I have to see them again. I have to talk about my eating problems, stress, and worries about other health problems.