Why am I so unsympathetic?

Okay guys. First post here because there is something that is really starting to annoy me.

Why on earth am I so unsympathetic?

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled to be sympathetic when others are in pain or suffering, and my usual reaction to others' problems is annoyance and avoidance. I run away, hide, cut contact, and am completely emotionally distant, regardless of whether they are an acquaintance or a close friend.

For example:
- The day I returned home age 15 to hear my grandad was dying, my very first thought was 'well there goes my relaxing evening'. Admittedly he and I were not terribly close but I remember trying to calculate how long I'd need to keep my head down before I could behave cheerfully around my parents again.
- When a very close friend injured his leg at a music festival, causing me to change plans for the day, miss out on things, and 'look after' him, I was incredibly resentful and angry (furious, actually!). I mentally mocked him for making it up, and regarded him as a hypochondriac, though I would never ever have said those things to his face. He turned out to have a genuine injury. I was still unsympathetic, still thought he was a bit of a hypochondriac, and avoided him for the next two weeks, both online and in person, until he'd recovered.
- When an acquaintance in high school suffered a loss in her family, causing our entire year group to enter a state of competitive grieving, I spent all of my free time that day sat on the floor in the corridor rather than in the common room, angry, confused, and upset that things weren't 'normal' - not upset for her loss. I later acted up in class and earned myself a detention for being hostile to a teacher, something that was very outside my normal behaviour.
- When a friend at work was upset due to her mother being in hospital, I avoided her for the entire time.

I am fully capable of empathy - I do understand and can imagine how these people are feeling, but I honestly do. not. give. a. damn. about. them. The only caring I do is for how their emotional state affects me. If someone is struggling, I want to run away from them, not help. I get angry and upset about my personal bubble being messed up, and avoid the source of the messing-up until things are back to normal. Terrible news on the TV does not affect me... though sad films can still very very easily make me cry. I dread my ageing parents getting ill, because I feel I'd see their illness as an 'inconvenience', and fear that I'd abandon them. I appreciate this makes me sound incredibly self-centred, and that upsets me. I don't want to be a self-centred horrible person, though I admit this attitude does seem to save me from a lot of mental effort.

If it's of any interest - and I feel it may be connected in some way - I have never been in a romantic relationship (I am 28). I'm definitely not asexual, I'm just not interested / haven't found the right person to inspire that desire for 'togetherness' in me.

I have no diagnosed psychological problems. I suffer only mild occasional anxiety, usually situational, and a few OCD-ish symptoms of note. So what on earth is going on here?

I can't diagnose your issue, but I think that you should see someone about this. We all have a tendency to selfish reactions sometimes, but to me what you're describing seems outside of the regular range in terms of your inability to react to others' pain in a kind way and feel sympathy for them, even though you recognize that this is the expected reaction. It is a good first step that you recognize this as a problem in yourself that you want to change. I think the next step would be to see a professional to find out what is causing it.

Hello Zdarlite: Honestly, I don't know what to tell you about this. I have often felt this way. I've always been a pretty self-centered person. In my case, I've sometimes wondered if it had something to do with having been an only child. Or perhaps it had to do with some of the abuse I suffered along the way. I don't really know. There's probably a personality disorder that has this as a symptom. However, whether or not what you experience would rise to that level is something that would have to be determined by a mental health professional. You might garner some insight by reading through some of the various postings in the personality disorders forums.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/personality-place/

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hey Zdarlite,

I'm not going to diagnose you, I just wanted to say that I can relate pretty much to your feelings...

I can't stand weakness. My self-esteem has always been linked to how well I can manage myself, without asking anyone for help. Being helpless and needing other's help is the worst thing that can happen to me, which is why I hate it in others... And this is what this kind of situation involves.

I guess that you are wearing kind of an armor that protects you from unpleasant emotions, covering it all up with anger...

Showing compassion, love, fear, makes you feel vulnerable, and it's not pleasant. It requires a lot of courage. But it can be learned and practiced.

There can be several reasons why someone does not bond normally with others. Lack of bonding will cause both distance to friends' and family's pain, and not entering relationships. Usually people bond quite easily and based almost just on being an acquaintance.

Hey all,

Thanks for your replies. I'm definitely of the opinion that this is 'outside of the norm' rather than just related to me being a self-centred asshole, which is why I sought help here.

A bit more background:
I have worked for charities in the past. In particular, I've worked in addiction services, communicating with and helping those with drug problems. I have managed to feel a lot of emotions in regards to the people I've been helping, have put a lot of effort into the job, and have generally wanted to do my best - out of sympathy (yes!) and a desire to help people. However, when it comes to people I am close to, I have none of this concern. If it's someone I'm close to, I don't want to get involved.

So it's a direct desire not to get involved with people I'm close to when they're experiencing problems. I'm there for the good times, but not the bad - which I'm aware probably makes me seem like a terrible person, but I just can't do it.

I used to visit my grandma regularly. She's recently begun to suffer from severe dementia, and I haven't seen her in 18 months. I have no desire to visit her, now she's suffering.
I live with my parents, but if one of them got ill, I'd try my best to leave as soon as possible, even if it meant moving somewhere within the same town.
Strangers, though? I want to help them.

There's a disconnect there, and I think it may not necessarily be in a lack of sympathy, but more in a fear of closeness - but I don't know. Why would I be sympathetic towards strangers, but not towards friends and family? It doesn't make sense to me. That's why I'm asking for advice - because it is bugging me to heck, and making me feel like I'm a terrible person.

I've never talked to a therapist, though, and this seems like a very odd thing to provoke the start of that. Like, going through the NHS, how on earth would I even manage to talk to someone about that? "Hey, I think I'm a bit of an asshole - can I talk to someone about it?" Nah...

I have a best friend. If I am sad and show her sadness, she has this instinct to destroy me, I would say. I don't think she can help it. She just gets incredibly angry because I am sad. Maybe because we're close and it will disturb her world if I stayed sad?

interesting posts, Zdar. you might want to read a little of Dr. Hare's research on psychopathy. it is not an "it" , but a scale of responses based on brain developments. do let us know what you think about it's application to yourself ?

best wishes~

http://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv...Checklist.html

Everything has a cause. There definitely is a "why" behind you being the way you are. No one here is in any position to have the foggiest idea about what that is. No shrink or therapist will know either, unless you basically tell them.

Relatives/family who've known you since you were a small child might have some solid clues. You sound pretty peed-off about something. How about if I ask you: Zdarlite, what is it that you are mad about? In what way do you think you got gypped in life?

It sounds like you are someone who feels that life has yet to "throw you a bone."

You talk about your classmates in high school entering a state of "competitive grieving" over one among them who experienced a loss. Sounds like you thought a lot of that was phoney. Grieving that is "competitive" would not be very authentic. You, by contrast, like to keep it real . . . or so you see yourself.

Were you an unhappy kid growing up?

Wella because you teach your brain to be this wah from childhood.start thinking the oposite way but be patient it take time to change your old belief

Well - just read this list, and possess and awful lot of those qualities. Not all of of them, all the time, but a lot. I guess narcissism falls in somewhere on this scale - just a total self involvement even at the expense of others feelings..

I ready the original post and I too have had lots of experiences where I am not feeling how everyone is feeling, i am just paying along.

My basic story for me is that i believe that I have an anxious/avoidant personality type, really only with close relationships. I have been with the same man for 20 years, but we are just constant up and down - more recently.

I drink - everyday - trying to kick that. i just feel like a mess really, I really came on this board to try to connect and share so that I can learn, grow, and feel better. I am open to any and all suggestions!

Any referrals to a great couples communication workbook - any healthy workbook for us to do together?

I am reading a lot of these posts and I am not antisocial, but definitely avoidant of close connections - happy to make surface ones.

[QUOTE=Gus1234U;5246586]interesting posts, Zdar. you might want to read a little of Dr. Hare's research on psychopathy. it is not an "it" , but a scale of responses based on brain developments. do let us know what you think about it's application to yourself ?

best wishes~