[tranquility]

Hi there,

I had posted in another forum but felt I needed to post in general as well.

My sister found out Thursday night that her husband is having an affair. We are all shocked - never would have expected something like this.

On Thursday night he was sleeping (working third shift so he get's up at like 11:00 to go in). She was down stairs and I'm not sure what happened, if his cell phone range I think, and she got the phone and her his voicemails. There were two on there from a woman who said she was laying on the beach with the wind blowing on her skin and she was thinking of him missing him.

So she went right upstairs, turned on the light, tore the covers off him and asked him why he was having an affair. He was stuttering like he was sleeping and she told him to get his *** awake. He wouldn't say much of anything other than "I dont' know, I can't get my thoughts together". But basically did not deny it. She asked if they could work on the marriage, could it be saved and he wouldn't really give her an answer. He then jumped up to go to work.

On further discussions since Thursday she has gotten little out of him other than:

He said that he had been trying to think of a way to tell her but was having trouble getting his thoughts together;

She asked if he wanted a divorce and he said "ugh I hate that word I never wanted a divorce";

He had said that this only had started a couple weeks ago;

He also refuses to go to "stupid counselors";

When I got home from work Friday my sister brought his cell phone over and I registered it online so I could go into their past bills. The bill that just ended was $350 because he went over the minutes. Through investigating, I was able to figure out her home number, cell number, and work number. Well, coincidentally she works indirectly for him! He recently was promoted to supervisor of third shift that oversees many different locations. He works out of the main office and him and another girl have to split up all the locations and visit them at least twice a month.

Well, apparently he did more than visit this one. I have her name and I printed down the bill so that my sister has documentation of what's happening. We also discovered he has been speaking to her since June 5th and that the whole time we were on vacation in New Hampshire he was going out to call her. So he would get out of bed with my sister - supposedly celebrating their 5th wedding anniversary and then go out and call her.

She confronted him again yesterday and said they needed to talk. He still won't look her in the eye and still keeps mumbling. So then he said, "Well the ball is in your court" - what? She doesn't even know what's going on! So she said "okay, I want you to call her tell her it's over and that you are working this out with your wife". To which he said "okay, I guess the ball is not in your court"!

He said that even if he told her he wouldn't see her anymore, he can't promise that he wouldn't. So even though he won't say it, apparently he wants a divorce and wants to be with her. He keeps trying to turn it around on my sister. He said "I'm surprised you haven't kicked my out yet", and then "you're the one that said if I ever crossed the line and had sex with someone else it is all over". So, a divorce would be her fault? I told her that he is being a p***y - he doesn't want people to think he divorced her, so he's trying to push her to divorce him.

He has said she could have everything - damn straight! Then when she said yes, including the house he said he wants money for the house. Are you kidding? Her $10,000 from the previous house she owned without him was what put the down payment on this one. And, last year they refinanced to, in part, pay off his credit card bills - so he is already way ahead of the game.

She is going to call someone she knows who is a local attorney with many connections to get referred to a divorce attorney. If he pushes about the house, she will push back by saying she get's half his retiremment (which would kill him) and half of his annuity that he has.

I also told her she should sue for alimony because her illness got worse during the marriage and he encouraged her to go part time and work four days a week and he picked up more of the expenses.

We also have to figure out what we will do when he's gone. I've run up so many medical bills that between the two of us we don't think we will be able to make the mortgage (especially since it was refinanced!). So my sister and niece might move in on my side (we are in a duplex) and we can rent her side for awhile until we all get back on our feet again. I told her not to worry that I am always going to be here for her and one way or another everything will work out.

Sorry this is long - I just needed to vent. To see my sister devasted breaks my heart because she is everything to me.

Tranquility

[January]

((((((((( Tranqulity, Sister & Niece )))))))))

I'm so sorry this has happened. I'm glad you and your sister have each other.

Tell your sister to consult a lawyer now. She needs someone who doesn't have emotional involvement to advise her.

Hugs,

Jan

<font color="#000088">I'm so sorry this has happened to your sister, and you, I can tell that you love her very much. I think it's great that you are being there for her, and staying by her side through all this, she really needs that support. And you're such a sweet sister to offer that to her. Getting a Lawyer that isn't emotionally involved like January said is a great idea. That way he can think objectively about the entire situation, without any personal feelings getting in the way.
It's true that you can't really trust anyone 100%, not even yourself, because in a time in your life when things get really tough, you'ld be surprized at what people are capable of,out of desperation, or grief, or even just doing anything they can to get their needs met!
But what happened to your sister was uncalled for, and was unfair to her and you're family, it was just plain cruel. And I'm just so sorry that this Man did this to your sister, and put her in this situation, after all she had done for him, being faithful to him, and giving her trust to him like that! I can see why you are so upset, I would be to, if it was me in the same situation, and if I cared about my sister!(mine's not married though) But you know what I mean? </font>

[Rhapsody]

If your sister wants to save the marriage -
I would let him know that it is her or the mistress...... and then stick to what ever must be from the out come.

I am sorry that another woman has been hurt by the man she once trusted and loved....... ((( hugs ))).

[tranquility]

Thanks Justice - I do love my sister so much and she did not deserve this in the least. I appreciate your very kind post.

Thanks Rhap - the first day she was in shock and thought about saving the marriage, now I don't think so. Plus she offered and he flat out refused, that's why we are going to the lawyer now. She can't stay in this situation.

Tranquility

[Rhapsody]

In that case - it is a good thing that you will be there for her - <font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) to YOU. </font>

... I remember when my sister went thru this and he even produced a child out the affair, I am glad she is no longer with the cheaten scum of a dirt bag.

... I have told my own husband that I can forgive any thing - but if he hits me or cheats on me then it is over.

[heyjoe]

just a point of information but she would only be able to claim half of his pension for the time that they were married not what was accumulated or earned in his pension before they were married or after they are divorced. The same for the annuity. Also she may well have to wait until he retires to get any of that pension money. If he is young that may be a long wait.

[tranquility]

Thanks rhap - I totally agree!

[tranquility]

Hey Joe - good information. I wonder if it's different in different states? He'll be upset about the pension because even though he is 46 he was going to retire from the job in a couple of years because he'll have 25 years - then he was going to move to something else.

Tranq

i think she can get half of his retirement. it is according to which state they live in. but that is a pretty normal thing for the wife to receive. get him where it hurts, the pocket book. less money for the mistress.

tranquility, thank you for being there. i had no one when i found out about similiar things and it's hard going it alone......xoxox pat

[tranquility]

Thanks Pat

Well, bil finally talked to my sis tonight. It appears he is having some sort of mid-life crisis/breakdown. No excuse but at least he finally showed some emotion. They are definately getting a divorce.

He has taken full responsibility and right now is feeling extremely guilty. So, he has agreed that the house is hers - actually he said she can have everything. She asked that he wait 2 weeks at least to move out because everything is happening so fast and with her health (MS) she can't possible go through all the stuff herself. She also is going to move in on my side so that we can rent the other side.

She also said she needs his financial assistance until this all happens. He agreed, he also said he would continue to help when gone. They had a new furnace put in on their side and it comes out of one of his accounts - he agreed to continue to pay that bill. He would like to continue to have a relationship with my niece (she still does not know this is happening). He said he would have liked to continue to have a relationship with me and my sisters other children; however, he knows that it is not going to happen and he certainly understands that.

She told him he needs to tell his parents as soon as possible. He knows that they will probably rally around my sister rather than him. He also figures his siblings won't be speaking to him for awhile either.

For now, my sister is somewhat relieved that he is being accomodating and we are hoping that continues. He even indicated they could share a lawyer and expenses because it will be amicable.

I told my sister she still needs to call an attorney and see him alone to discuss all of this to get the attorney's advice. She also asked that he not see this woman until he is out of the house. He says he won't but who knows?

I have been praying daily that I would like my source to protect us and allow us to stay in this house. But even if it is not meant that we can, that my source just protects us and keeps us together. So today was actually a spark of good news in all of this.

Your continued good thoughts and comforting vibrations is so apprectiated.

Tranquility

((((((tranquility))))

my thoughts and prayers are with you. Love you.

purplesecrets

[tranquility]

Thank you my friend {{{{{Purple}}}}} !!!

Tranq, the title of your post has me thinking.
This is surely a sad thing and will last for quite a while...it's like a death in the family...but does it really mean you can't trust <u>anyone</u> (men)?
you'll never know what went on between your sister and brother in law...something didn't work that made him stray....maybe his lack of committment certainly, but maybe something else was broken in the marriage.
keep an open mind and even though your sister has been hurt, try to stay neutral if at all possible., otherwise she really will never trust anyone again and will have a difficult time forming a new relationship.

[January]

Hi Tranquility,

Please do have your sister seek a lawyer's assistance as soon as possible. Your BIL may be saying anything and everything to smooth things over right now and do a complete 180 when it's time for a divorce.

It is not a good idea to use one lawyer. His allegience may be only to the person who pays his bill. In lega matters, nothing is true until it's on paper and sealed by a judge.

I wish you and your family the very best.

Hugs,

Jan

[meander]

Tranquility,

Don't share a lawyer... Most good lawyers would balk at it- it breaches ethical codes to represent both parties. If your lawyer is offering to, find a new one.

Also it would be a good idea, if the cheating bastard (sorry for language) has agreed to give her anything, get it written down, and signed, witnessed by you. That's good evidence if he reneges later... it'd be harder to prove if just verbal...

[MyBestKids2]

(((((((((Tranquility and sister)))))))))))

[tranquility]

{{{Jan, Meander, MyBestKids2}}} Thanks to all of you! Yes, I don't agree that one lawyer is good either and I definatey will be with her when she goes to one. She is so emotional right now that she will need someone who can pay attention to all the details. I've been staying very neutral and strong so I think I will do well to go with her.

grtrplayer - thanks! I don't believe you can trust anyone 100% and I think that in general. You never know what a person can do because we are all human and can't so different at times. I think it's just wise, for me at least, to always be as prepared as possible that things could take a different turn. I'm not hypervigilant and I wouldn't let it ruin my relationships, but most times when someone says "do you believe that" I say "yup I can believe most anything".

Tranquility

[Wants2Fly]

Unfortunately, I agree. I was abruptly abandoned by my beloved, a man I called my angel and the best person I had ever known. There were no arguments or storm clouds on the horizon; just deception and hidden resentments that blindsided me completely.