mentally defective

i have BPII as some of you may know, and no, that alone doesn't make someone completely defective, or doesn't have to. But combined with my issues, and current pressures from medical problems i really believe i am defective. i am having "issues" at work now. i called my employment worker and begged her to find me something else. She is proving to be useless so far.

Things are tense enough with one of my supervisors now that i am making mistakes and generally f-ing up all over the place which of course increases the tension. i haven't loved the job from the start, and it's really against my doctors' advice that i work there anyway. But i need a job.

i am not doing well. i have been convinced it has been hormonal, but i don't know. Maybe i have been wrong and i am getting sick again.

can't understand people. can't understand detailed social interaction. i am defective. i can't work. i haven't held a job longer than six months. i am new in my city and i have rellapsed into my social phobias and have yet to make any real friends.

i suck.

Hi Gerber,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time! My ex-roommate was diagnosed Bi-Polar and had to go on disability. She also could not handle working and would go through jobs constantly. She would always find something wrong with each job and was then convinced that "this always happens".

I think you were just out for a few days - right? Did it help at all? Do you have other support such as a support group? It's hard to work when you are feeling badly. The only advice I can offer is to try to just keep work as work. Do your best to try not to think of anything personal while you are there - just work.

If it is that harmful to you, then you do need to try to find something else that you would enjoy and would be comfortable in - start looking now so that you can just go straight to another job without a lapse.

I'll be sending positive vibes your way

Tranquility

(((((((((((((((((((((gerber))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i'm sorry you're having troubles at work!!!

i definitely feel sometimes i'd like to crawl in a hole rather than go to work and deal with my boss!!!! i like working, but hate jobs! hate bosses!!!! but i too need the paycheck....

i was doing fairly well for a couple years until recently - now my issues are affecting my work in a HUGE way....i can DEFINITELY relate to having a tense relationship with a boss!!!!

it's definitely frustrating - i was just in the hospital for SI....of course i can't tell my boss that!!!! i go back to work monday....i don't wanna!!!!!

it's very hard to deal with mental issues and try to function in the world...i guess we have to though, huh....

ok...so i'm a real source of support here!! sorry if i'm being a downer!!!!

guess i can offer understanding and ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Can you cut back on your work hours or something? I have had trouble working and cried at work. I told the new store manager when asked why I was crying at work that "I hate new store managers." What a thing to say to a new manager on his first day at the store! I worry that he thinks I am a crybaby.
I worry about what my boss and customers think of me (probably social phobia) to the point of feeling tense at work. The anti-depressant has helped but I don't know what to tell you except consider taking time off. You said that you have to work. I tend to think that I have to work in order to live. Is this the case for you? Is it mostly the people contact that makes the job hard? It is hard to find jobs that don't require but I suspect it can be done. Have you and your job person discussed what you most need in a job verses what you prefer? I think I will quite peppering you with questions.

gerber, I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now.

Did I understand that you think your mood swings are due to hormones? Hormones are indeed powerful molecules and can affect mood. Have you seen an endocrinologist so they can check this out for you? If hormones are found to be causing or contributing to your problem, the doctor may be able to correct this for you.

> i am defective.

Join the club!

I suppose everyone has some "defect." But that doesn't mean that's all you are. Anyway, if it weren't for "defects" therapists would be out of business. Defects can be treated and overcome.

>i am defective

i wasn't trying to be funny, it's not a joke. One of my biggest suicidal ideation triggers is feeling defective and useless... that i have no real future. It isn't funny at all.

i am now on hormone treatment but no way to know what to expect or when. Work was a little better today as the assist manager i have trouble with was not in, but tomorrow i work alone with her for 4 hrs.

i put in resumes at a few places yesterday...decent jobs.

the bipolar stuff is hard but i really think it's more of the other stuff i can do something aboutwhich keeps me from getting anywhere in life. maybe you all are right... maybe i am really as doomed as i thought. The chances of getting it together in any kind of real way is pretty slim.

i am invited to a b-day party down the street. It's a girfriend of a guy i know. i know him professionally and he's real nice, she seems sweet too. i know it'd be a pretty casual deal, not quite a beer bash, but not a wine and cheese either. It'd be fun probably...for normal people. but i am dreadfully socially phobic in things like this. i really, truly don't know how to act. i am not good at making new friends.

i want to be friends with these people, they are real nice. But I am so defective.

i am just a failure at life i guess. i can't ever not be bipolar so i guess i can't ever be whole either.

yeah defective. just a waste of a life really. Sad, so many people out there with real zest for life but are dying and stuff... here i sit, just waiting out the long difference between birth and death

Hi Gerber
Your post really struck a cord with me. I too am bp II,recently diagnosed and since the diagnosis,Ive had the "defective" or as I would call it,Fu(#ed.
Id say to my inner dialogue was""get ahold of yourself,keep it together".... and when I couldnt, I seen myself as a loser who cant control her moods or her emotions.This creates suicidal feelings......because you feel like its a life sentence.That roller coaster you know?The one with no breaks?
Well,I hope this helps to know your not alone....I dont know what the future will bring but keep posting theres a lot of support out there.
Feel free to pm,take care

thing is, generally my bp is stable. i get bad anxiety or freak out about stuff.. but the bp is stable.

Tranquility...what did you mean when you asked if i was just out for a few days??

i feel like everything in my life is a death sentence. Having bp is just par tof that.. i suck. i was supposed to be at a bday party right now... new friends... but i couldn't do it.

i work from 830am to 530pm tomorrow. i can't even think.

Hi gerber,

I might have confused you with someone else - I thought you had been out of work for a few days? Maybe not you - sorry. Some days my brain is so scrambled I forget whats happening to who

Tranquility

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
gerber said:
>i am defective

i wasn't trying to be funny, it's not a joke.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sorry if that's the way I came across. I was saying that some of us feel defective too -- or have been told that we are. But being told that you are "defective" (and even believing it) doesn't make it true. A broken bone might be called a defect -- but it can be healed. It is just a broken bone (or heart) -- not some permanent condemnation of you as a person. I think that is how you are taking it. Please have some pity upon your self.