[Meg40]

My husband today struck out in anger and broke both of our cell phone destoyed things in our bathroom and our remoted to the TV all over our bank account being 200 overdrawn at one time not now. Most of the time he is soo wonderful and sweet and then he will let the stranges things make him so mad that he cannot control himself. Is this normal for one having ADHD?

[Cheri]

I don't know that you can blame that on ADHD, but everyone is different. My DH also has ADHD, and the most violent thing he's ever done is throw a couple of pieces of toast at me, and that was years ago.

[Meg40]

Sometimes I am not sure how to handle this, I feel like he needs to know that what he is doing is not appropiate but his anger just gets the best of him, It's almost like he is a different person at that point. I mean I get upset with the kids and all, but to destroy things because of a few hundred dollars when we have plenty in the bank?

Meg:

I do not know of your situation, but I would have to agree with Cheri. I have loved ones with ADHD and they are not aggressive like that. The males I know with ADHD speak quickly, react before thinking something through (impulsive decisions) but not in an aggressive manner.

That being said, I don't know of your spouses history. Has he been aggressive like this before?

[Meg40]

Over the years yes, when he was younger and married to his first wife who died of cancer, he would break in half ironing boards when mad. His last episode was a few months ago and he threw something across the room in anger usually someting that he can replace. But this is the first time he actually threw someting at me.

[January]

Hi Meg,

Welcome to PC.

If your husband sees a pdoc, (psychiatrist), then he needs to go explain what he has done. Anger of that nature is never appropriate. Not only is it not fair to you, but it is certainly not right for your children to be subject to this type of behavior.

I wish you the very best,

January

[eskielover]

My husband has been dx'ed with ADHD just over a year ago (he is now 55). A violent behavior has only showed up 1 or 2 times over the 32 years we have been married...when he was just too frustrated with the situation he was in. I can definietly understand your issues. I have actually gotten to the point where I am getting separated.

It's kinds like a weed seed. I saw the things I didn't want to be married to 32 years ago, but thought he would grow up. As the years went by, the little things just continued to anoy & anoy me more & more as the seeds grew into weeds. The things I am finding that are frustrating are just attitudes mostly, nothing physical. I am just to exhausted with the anoying behaviors that I can't tolerate it anymore. Irresponsible spending, argueing with everything that is said, always knowing everything even when he doesn't, asking questions when the answers are so obvious even a child would know. He has a very high IQ & has always thought he was so much smarter than everyone else. Throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way. I think the most irritating thing is that he feels like the world owes him everything & he doesn't have to do anything....things should just be handed to him. He wants to just get by & not put any effort into making a successful life. When he is asked why he does something or why he thinks something, it is always "I don't know". There are a million irritating things that even though I now know what the cause is now, I can't deal with it any longer. The weeds are now choking out any possibility of anything existing.

The other problem I have is that he has had these issues for years..& I have been pointing out these problems continually for all of the 32 years. Why hasn't he learned to adapt & become a functional person during all this time? I kept drawing the line & saying if something didn't change, it would be over, but never followed through, so he never took me seriousoy. I have finally put down a line that isn't going to be passed by this time. Now I am being told that he can't change that quickly.....geeze, he has been given 32 years of patiently (or not so patiently) explaining what the problems are & what needs to be done to fix them. Now I keep getting told that without meds & therapy, he CAN'T change (because the book says so). The problem I have with that is that yes, meds can definitely make working with changing easier, but my point is that unless he has the DESIRE to change, there isn't any med or therapy in the world that will make him change. He has to want to change in the first place, & that is the part I just don't see.

Are these any of the things you are also going through with his ADHD besides the physical issues? I can definitely understand your frustration with your husband however. I hate feeling like the Mother instead of the wife. It is a tough situation to be in for sure.

It is good to communicate with others in a similar situation to get insight into what others are going through also. Thank you for sharing...& hope you can get him to understand that his behavior isn't acceptable no matter what the reason. People with ADHD have to learn how to function in the world around them just like anyone else with a disability. It isn't a free ticket to being allowed unacceptable behavior.

Debbie

[inkblot]

My daughter was diagnosed *severe* ADHD, but also anxiety and OCD. She showed aggressive, very defiant, and very impulsive/inattentive behaviors. One thing I have learned in that people with ADHD can feel stress more easily and quicker than others, in part because of the way their brains work. It's not so easy to cope with even simple every day stress because more stress gets created from the effects ADHD has on that person, and with it, creates even more frustration. I hope this explanation from my view doesn't confuse you. Still, like the others said, aggressive behavior should not be accepted and should be brought up with his psychiatrist, assuming he has one available. If not, I do recommend it. Medicating for ADHD and any other involved disorders should make an extreme difference--he (and you) will be glad!

We can't accept anger management dangers like that as just a result of a disorder and leave it at that. Even if the person's anger management problem is due to diagnosed disorder(s), it requires treatment and cannot remain a danger to those around him/her. Safety of loved ones is top priority. Excuses are one thing, taking action to treat or better manage the problem is required.

[biiv]

debbie are you my mother coming on here in disguise talking about my father?? come on. fess up.
((((((((((((((((((debbie)))))))))))))))))))))))

[eskielover]

Lets see biiv....unless your mother is a native Californian with a 29 year old daughter living in Colorado, who owns 11 american eskimo dogs & 1 mut......3 horses & a new farm in KY........I don't think so........unless you are my daughter in disguise??????....lol.

Guess I'm not the only one going through these horrible stresses with their husband.....I was wondering how others dealt with it. I am knowing what I have to do for myself, but it is interesting to know how others react to similar situations.

Just plain old eskielover no disguises. (you can also check out my photos & see if I look like your Mom....lol),
Debbie

[biiv]

hehe. mums working on separating for what sounds like a lot of the same reasons you are. its taking time to get to the psychological place where she s able to. we re just waiting to see what happens really.
if you re really not my mother in disguise then can i adopt you as a second mother please because i really want to live on a farm with horses and 12 doggies!! youd have to accept being co-parent with my actual mother though since i couldnt give her up.

[Soidhonia]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Meg. Even if your husband has ADHD that is no excuse for his behavior towards things in the household. I would highly suggest as January suggested having him see a therapist for his anger issues, since his actions are not appropriate, and you should not feel obligated to make excuses for his bahavior. His issues can be helped with the right therapy. Please try to kkep your own mental health safe as well during this time of stress. Take care. Soidhonia

[eskielover]

Meg.....didn't mean to get off topic on your post.....actually, it might not be as off topic as it might sound in some ways.....it is just about how people don't deal with ADHD/ADD husbands over the years when it isn't being treated. We get to a point where it can't be tolerated anymore. It is a personal thing & it seems that we all come to that point when it is right for us.

As for the throwing things, I don't have ADD or ADHD & I have been known to throw & break even things that I can't replace.....but this only happens when my frustration lever go so high it explodes into that. Your husband may be frustrated with feeling trapped with the ADHD symptomes that he can't seem to control. That may be the frustration you are seeing in the anger of throwing things. No matter what the reason however, it needs to be controlled. I had to figure out what I needed to do to conrol my frustration level....once I was successful with that, the throwing stopped. He needs to do the same.....even if a therapist is needed to help.

Biiv,
Yes, I will be glad to adopt you & of course, sharing with real mom is important....wonderful you feel that way towards your Mom.....she definitely needs support while trying to figure out such a huge move. I have to figure out everything on my own with no one to chat it over with. My daughter has her own set of problems she is dealing with, & my Mother died 2 1/2 years ago......being an only child.....there is really no one to talk about these things with. My poor therapist gets dumped on everyweek. My husband is there too, so he hears what I have to say & I don't hold back anymore.....found it wasn't worth it. My psychologist is amazed at how I tell it like it is!!!!! I am so tired of beating around the bush & trying to be politically correct so I don't hurt anyone. Things have to be said & they have to be straight forward so there isn't any misunderstandings. I don't want to leave with anyone guessing as to why.

Take care of your Mom & let her know that it is ok to leave after a long time.....it is actually a wonderful feeling having the independence that comes with getting out of a long term miserable situation (even when it isn't all bad).

Debbie