[Marylin]

I feel bad about myself.I feel bad cos \i got cancer,it is my fault,I ate junk food and cakes chocolate etc. I still eat it sometimes I can't avoid it I get cravings I have to satisfy.i feel bad about that.

I think people hate me people I talk to on a forum online,even though I am told by them that they like me.people have hurt my feelings,knowing they don't care hurts, and makes me self hate,and self punish.
I want love,noone has ever loved me,I mean family have,some of them,and friends have but I have never had a partner.I want that kind of love I have never had it I am 52 and haven't been loved that way by anyone.
I get lonely and feel self hatred cos of that.

Some times I love myself and self validate and self support and that feels good.I did a lot of loving my inner child and that helped me a lot of accept myself and stop extreme distressing mental states.Looking after the little girl inside me giving her attention and love made ,makes me feel so safe and much more secure.I may feel low in self esteem tonight but generally usually I love myself.

I feel especially vulnerable tonight.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry that you're feeling bad.

[eyesclosed]

Hello nice to meet you here. I have the same feelings all bad.even as a child i I felt guilty Ialways done somethin and needed to get my act together and shape up

[eskielover]

You know having a partner doesnt always guarantee ypu of the love you are seeking from one.

I grew up in a family that was not physically abusive....wasnt even intentionally emotionally abusive but my dad was incapable of emotionally connecting to anyone & was beyond socially awkward. Had a mom with low self-esteem & struggled to function anywhere outside the house.

Though I fought my environment I thought it was normal blsming their behsvior on lack of education.

Turned around & married a guy I convinced myself was different because he had an education....turned out to be the same....unsble tp ever emotionally connect. I didnt understand what I was really dealing with so fought it the whole 33 years I stayed married & living in the same house.

After leaving & looking back on my whole life & finally moved to a place where I could connect with people, I was able to see that even IF parents & husband felt love they were unable to express it in a way if could be felt by others.

No guarantees by having a partner you will gen those needs met either.

Your caring for yourself & nurturing yourself is really the only guaranteed caring....I looked at it ad an awesome gift from God when i ended up in a loving community

[Marylin]

Hi Eskielover,I know what you are saying.I know, that is why I avoided marriage,I knew a lot of people in emotionally absent relationships,and saw male on female domestic violence in families growing up,it was in my own family.I couldn't connect to males who were emotionally absent in any way and I couldn't get over my childhood experiences of male aggression,it made me afraid of men.

I know that often being in a relationship can be the most lonely,isolating experience on earth.I am under no illusions that relationship means you always get the love you seek.It is like seeking love through sex,it doesn't get you love,sex.

I guess though even though I know all this I get lonely,crave company and want to feel I will have a loving relationship with someone special before I die.

[eskielover]

I understand what you are saying too, i look at my friends who are still married ( by my age both death & divorce are the cause of singleness) & even though I know their relationships arent perfect or even great, those i know that arent totally dysfunctional like mine was, I do often think (now I know what being emotionally connected at a friendship level with the wonderful people around me feels like) how nice it would be to really have the partnership & closeness in these older years, someone to really share life with those times when the rest of the community is in their own homes. I like my quiet alone times too probably because I was an only child but it could be nice to have what Ive never experienced either.

Lol, last Sunday I chased my neighbors horse back through my woods through the broken fence & got it through the gate & into the field with the other horse. My neighbors own the farm land but live an hour away. I had called them & they were actually on their way down when I called. He had lost his first wife to an illness the year before I moved here (9 years ago) He was looking to get remarried when I bought my farm (still not divorced yet). Well, he found a lady with money & into horses & married her right after I moved in. Had to laugh because she is very controlling in a nagging sort of way though she is sweet. While we were fixing the barbed wire fencing between our farms she would call on the cell phone while sitting in thevtruck waiting, then when he was loading things to take back with them out of the barn was making sure he was getting the antiques she valued & he thought was junk....his comment to me as I was helping him carry some of the things (he has heart problems) was: "Dont ever get married!" Had to chuckle because he was the one who wanted to be married right after losing his first wife. Noe easy to find THE RIGHT one unless great care is given in deciding who thst person will be.

dont give up hope....one never knows. One person I first met after moving here was my pharmacist. He lost his first wife to cancer around 2011. She was a very special lady. He also did not want to stay single & met this really nice lady who had never been married. I met her when they started dating in group situations & connected with her. I was thrilled when they ended up getting married. She was in her 50's at the time. They make a great couple & Im thrilled for both of them. She also thought she would NEVER find someone to be close with & marry. You just NEVER know when or with who it might happen so dont give up hope. It hasnt been easy for her adjusting to married life but its getting easier.

[Marylin]

Funnily enough Eskie,I haven't given up,I still have hopes to meet someone,which to be honest isn't likely unless I change my attitude and behaviour.I am shy and never take the initiative and am never proactive.If I see someone I like i don't make any moves, show interest or give out signals, I even give off don't approach me vibes.I have always been like that,I think intimacy has always scared me and those are my comfort zone vibes that
I give out.If I am going to attract and engage someone and have them fall in love with me I have to become more open and forward,it has to be a conscious decision but I am reluctant subconsciously to do that.I wonder if there is a lot more to it.I am starting counselling in March this year and will tackle this issue with the counsellor see if she can help.
I think it is fantastic that you live near farms and around horses,I wanted to go horse riding with a friend who went when I was 10 years old but my father forbade it saying horse riding was too dangerous for a child my age.Which was fair enough from a parental point of view but held me back from going ever cos it kinda was the case that I was over protected as a child and that made me fearful of trying new things my whole life and held me back,I was very controlled and dictated to and this has made me settle into a comfort zone,I need to come out of it,especially at my age,I don't want to waste the life I have left to live.