[eskielover]

I have had this conversation at least 4 times before. The online DVD club requires that every month the DVD be declined otherwise it is sent....& then would have to be returned. We do not have money for frivilous things like DVD's.

I tell my husband that I want him to get end his membership in the DVD club & that if he wants, he can rejoin after we are separated....when I am not financially responsible for what he does. I am met with basically a grown up tantrum......telling me that I am totally controlling & being unreasonable because he has always taken the time each month to decline the DVD of the month.

I respond with the fact that time should be spent packing up the house & cleaning to get it ready for sale & so I can get my things moved to my home in KY & that it isn't reasonable to have to worry each month about having to delince something that is never going to be purchased anyway....it is waisting time that can be better spent.

Then I get the explaination that he has already earned credits towards money off on future purchases. However when I confront him about that, asking how soon they expire anyway & that he won't be in a position to purchase anything before then anyway, he does agree that they won't be valid that long......but there goes off the tantrum again as he storms off out of my room. He just can't justify the membership but it is just something he just has to have.

This is one of the huge reasons we are going to be separated after 32 years of marriage. He is still a child about handling monitary responsibilities & I just can't put up with it anymore. After the first time I confronted him about it, I ended up just letting it slide. The second time, the same thing. The third time, the same thing. This time, I am more angry & said that if he didn't end the membership, I would get onto the computer & do it myself after having asked & talked to him nicely so many times. To me it's a matter of simplifying life so that I don't always have to worry about getting involved in something I don't want or can't have anyway. It seems that he is holding on to it because it's the only way he can try & show his independence....only he is just showing how childish he is rather than how mature he needs to be.....(mind you, he is 55 years old).

I know I could just give in, but that is what I have done for 32 years of marriage....I have always let him have his way & have been burned too many times because he just has to have something because it's there.

I hate it when someone fights over something that has no value at the time & can easily be returned to when they are on their own in the future.

This relationship is so exhausting.....I can't wait until it is over with...wonder if I can survive it that long?

Debbie

[January]

((((((((((( Debbie )))))))))))

I'm sorry things are so hard with your soon to be ex. Just keep thinking, "This too, shall pass."

Hugs,

Jan

[DePressMe]

Yeah, relationships never are easy, especially when one person is really irresponsible or immature. Stick to your guns and see it through...you can make it.

[Maven]

I'm sorry you're having these troubles. I wouldn't have a problem with him keeping the membership, as long as he's really canceling like he's supposed to, but if he never buys the DVDs anyway, I don't see why he'd bother with it. I know how you said he justifies it, but I still don't see the point. If he's not buying DVDs that often, anyway, it would just be easier to get them when he feels like it in the stores, especially those that offer discounts (or online).

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You've come such a long way, I hate to see you so upset about this. I understand completely where you're coming from. Jerry is the same way but in much larger amounts! If your hubby isn't spending the money anyway, why does it matter so much to you? Surely, cancelling a DVD once a month can't take THAT long!

Methinks you're still trying to change him after deciding it's a lost cause. If I were you, I'd let it go. Let him do what he wants! In the end, he'll pay the consequences, right? Let HIM deal with it and YOU wash your hands of his business.

Please take care of YOU. Save your energies for YOUR important stuff!

[MyBestKids2]

(((((((((Debbie)))))))

sending kind gentle thoughts your way. Just hang on a little bit long, ok??


Dee

[eskielover]

Thanks all for the input.....appreciate it very much.

Tomi, Guess I might still be wishing on some level that he would realize what he is doing.....even if there is no way that would change the KY situation.

Just frustrated because he isn't putting hardly any time into the packing of the house....but he wants to be out of it soon. Words don't match actions.....so I'm angry that there isn't money now for entertainment & trying to get life now as simple as possible without any have to's that can be forgotten while focusing completely on getting this house packed, painted & fixed up to sell.

I will probably just go in there & cancel it myself.....since he just doesn't get it after giving him a chance to start taking responsibility.

Thanks again for the input,
Debbie

[seeker1950]

This move to the farm in KY has been a huge step and adjustment for you. Is he going to join you there, or are you actually separating/divorcing? That in itself is a huge step!
I can see why you're aggravated about the DVD club. Never a good idea to get into those programs. I've been in CD clubs a while back and got things I didn't want. I hope you resolve this issue, even if it means cancelling it yourself!
Love,
Patty

[eskielover]

I am going to my farm in KY alone. I decided while I was back there that I didn't want the rut from California to follow me to KY. I told him what he had to do in order for me to even consider the possibility, but what I really know is that he needs to figure out who he is & what he is.....figure out his values. He needs to start thinking & being an active part of his own life.

Luckily I had a chance for those 2 1/2 months to figure out that I was the same person I was before I got married 32 years ago & didn't like who I became around him. His lazy, I don't care attitued can be catching. He doesn't want to do anything & has no interests. I could go on & on with all the problems. All the time I was in KY he thought that I wouldn't hold strong with my demands (always got pushed past them in the past). I came back & told him no way he was going unless he proved he was changing now.....I wasn't going to take a chance that he would change once he got to KY.....tough luck.....I don't care anymore.....this is the way it is & I feel much more peaceful this way.

Right now, my plan is to just legally separate when the house sells here in CA....that way he can't mess me up financially in the futhre. I will go to my farm & he will go to ????.

I thought I would feel much worse about ending a 32 year marriage, but I am so happy it's over...I actually feel a great relief. Sees strange to not care after all those years.

Debbie

[SeptemberMorn]

Debbie, I understand your feelings and your way of thinking COMPLETELY! I didn't realize Jerry had a double! Yes, it's way too easy to fall into their habits and their lack of their own existance.

You go, Girl! Do things for yourself now. I can see such a HUGE change in you since you bought your ranch. Keep on keepin' on!!

PS Doesn't sound like he's gonna change, does it? HINT! HINT!

[eskielover]

It's a guarantee he won't change....as a matter of fact, he is getting worse daily. The strange thing is that he is reading some ADD books....at first he was just trying to understand what was going on.....but it looks like by his actions that he is taking what the book is telling him & doing it even more & other things are showing up that never were there before he even read the books. It's like he is becomming more ADD by reading the self help book that is supposed to help he learn to get better.

go figure....he is just diging his grave deeper & deeper everyday,
Debbie

[SeptemberMorn]

Oh, boy! Do you think it could be the power of suggestion? Do YOU think he's ADD?

[EJ711]

Debbie,

I'm married to a 67-year old three year old!

I'm sorry he is being so difficult.

Hugs,

EJ

[SeptemberMorn]

At least three yr olds LISTEN to you! How would you like to be married to a 68 yr old TEEN AGER?????

Debbie, may you need to start disengaging emotionally from him. I had to learn to do that to keep the bit of sanity I have!

<font color="#000088">Now you can see why Marriage is NOT one of my future goals in life! It's the leading cause of divorce!
I wish you all the best in dealing with your "soon to be" ex!
Also, good for you for finally getting your independance back! </font>

[eskielover]

That is definitely true....without marriage, there wouldn't be divorce.....lol.

Tomi, disengaging is definitely what I have to do. It is hard however because everytime I talk to him it gets into what I expect out of a partner. It is amazing because I feel like I am saying the same thing over & over & over, but there is always something he doesn't understand.....as obvious by his comments. I can't believe that anyone can be that lame?

The good thing is that I am moving my horses back to the place I was previously boarding them. Long story short....the lady where I am currently boarding is a jerk (I have posted about the situation). That got me thinking about my horses & what I need to know & do before moving them back to KY.

Baby Izzy (now almost 3 Sept 23) is going to be greenbroke & her potential as a dressage horse analyzed. My old man (28) will be back at a place where I feel safe riding him (his partial blindness makes stumbling a problem). That way, I can build up his muscles so that he will be stronger for the trip....the stronger muscles will help the arthritis & make the trip easier (if he really is well enough to make the trip). Otherwise, he is in a place where he previously was used as a lesson horse for beginning riders & will get his meaning of life back. He has been turning his back on me & walking away lately....he is mad at me for ignoring him. They really are sensitive creatures. My mare is just along for the ride....not really used for anything but still family just the same.

This way, I have a daily commitment to ride & be able to work with my horses again since the layout of this ranch has a dressage arena right there & a place to ride on the ranch.....where it is safe.

This will definitely get me away & disengaging from him....& having my wonderful horses back functioning into my life.

Debbie

[biiv]

septembermorn and justice:

so glad things are working out with your horses though debbie.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((debbie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))