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  #1  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 12:33 AM
TwilightDawn TwilightDawn is offline
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Location: Southwest Desert, USA
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I know I... really don't post here much, please forgive me, its just... I don't know, I feel silly, like there's tons of people who have it worse than I do and I find it pathetic when I come here hurt... but there's sometimes...

So forgive me if there are probably not as bad as they could be...

Its just... I don't understand... how can people live life? Life is but a gift of pain and happiness, a short gift compared to the eternity we hold now. But somehow there's this feelign of dread... past this life... I don't wnat to remember in heaven, I don't wnat to live again, I can't watch people toil in Limbo... I... want my soul destroyed when I die... the few people I tell that to think I'm insane... but I never want to remember my dreams, my memories, the pain... ever...

But tonight... I don't know, there's really been a lot that happened in my life... I can't sort out what was my fault from what was theirs... and it haunts me everyday... I can't escape it. I can't live and I don't want to die.

So much pain echoes and it all seems so silly... long days and lonely summers, no one to talk to but myself, and the people I trusted often betrayed me... and now the ones I know wont think I cling to them too much...

so much pain t doesn't seem like any of it matters to what happens in the world out there, and no one knows...

I'm again sorry, but no, this isn't a suicide note... its a... release... its a call for help to a world that no one seems to hearme in... not even my good friends...

I want help, but I'm too scared to turn to anyone, too scared to look for it myself...

I don't understand how people can live... but I never want to die.

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  #2  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 12:50 AM
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SeptemberMorn SeptemberMorn is offline
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I understand what you're saying, Asuyaka. I've often felt the same way you are expressing yourself. Oftentimes I wonder how some of the people on here can continue living day after day. My Dx is "only" depression and anxiety.

Do you have a therapist? Therpay can be a tough row to hoe, but the only way out of some problems is THROUGH. I've proven that to myself.

Please don't apologize for what you do or don't do. This is a support board full of wonderful people that are here to get as well as give support. We, more than others, tend to understand these things better.

We know that everyone is at a different place in their journey and for the most part, are tolerant and even accepting of other's journies.

Please try to post a little more, as you can, and you'll see that people here do understand and are willing to lend a hand... and sometimes a heart, too. It seems like...

It seems like...
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Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
  #3  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 01:41 AM
TwilightDawn TwilightDawn is offline
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Location: Southwest Desert, USA
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Thank you September... I used to have one... only diagnosed with OCD and PDD-NOS (Autistic spectrum...) because according to my mum I hated water... I didn't hate water, I just hated shampoo in my eyes. That's another story...

Thank you, I get anxious, I get scared, and I beat myself up... and I know I do it, and then I beat myself up (mentally) because I do...

I'm just afraid of someone thinkign I'm doing this for attention, or shruggign me off...
  #4  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 02:23 AM
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Bethsway Bethsway is offline
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Asuyuka...I sure hope you are feeling a little better now...I know what you mean exactly...sometimes this seems like such a hard world...please know that you can always post on here for support...no one ever things you are just looking for attention...We all need help from time to time...Don't be afraid to ask...Sending good vibes your way...Take care!!
  #5  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 02:50 AM
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Rebound Rebound is offline
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The one thing you can be sure of is that many of us here have felt the same way, down to the last detail. It's hard not to feel alone when life in general just seems too hard. You feel the way you feel and no matter how crappy things may be for someone else, they are still crappy for you. There's nothing wrong with expressing yourself and seeking help for that. No one here's going to shrug you off.

Take care.
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  #6  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 04:50 AM
TwilightDawn TwilightDawn is offline
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Thanks you guys... yeah, I'm better now, I tend to swing like that somedays...

Its great knowing there's some place where I can release... and somebody there to listen too.

EDIT:

One of the things bothering me in the day is how I've treated people i nthe past... one time I guess I was sweet and kind, not like I'm that now, but I was carefree... it was this time that a group of friends (so called) threw me to the ground, started calling me ***** and *****, etc., leaving me in the dirt and I... believed them. I was 14, and I believed the whole thing...

I know its... silly... but I tried changing my ways and now I guess I'm... lost... I lost myself a long time ago, and hid her away, but she wont come out now.

I've regretted so many times on how, in turn, I treated them... I can be... blunt... and I try to keep it in check, but I sometimes hurt people so now I hold my reactions back a lot and consider that getting what I deserved for how I treated them...

And since then... I've tried looking for friends I could trust... that lasted til I was 17, until then I spent every day as a loner. I have my hroup now but I'm overkind to them, I'm afraid of them leaving me or me hurting the,/... I hate hurting people...

And it bugs me... who was right and wrong in that....? Am I really that bad? My mum can be pretty mean, I hope to god I'm not like her...
  #7  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 10:32 AM
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pachyderm pachyderm is offline
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Are you really that bad?

No.
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Now if thou would'st
When all have given him o'er
From death to life
Thou might'st him yet recover
-- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631
  #8  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 04:21 PM
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SeptemberMorn SeptemberMorn is offline
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Asuyuka}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You can't always be responsible for how other people feel. You can say something as kindly as possible and someone will take it the wrong way. It's happened to me. All you can do is shrug and go on your way.

If you honestly feel that you've hurt people, then the best thing to do is forgive yourself. You didn't mean it. Let it go. It's not easy, by a long shot, but it's certainly worth a try, right? It seems like...

Keep posting. We're here for you! It took a lot of courage on your part to tell us what you have so far. It seems like... Maybe now that you've gotten your feet wet, you can continue... at your pace, of course. It seems like...

It seems like...
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Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
  #9  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 04:53 PM
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eskielover eskielover is offline
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Location: Kentucky, USA
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(((((((((((Asuyuka))))))))))),

It is great that you are starting to be able to put your feelings into words. That is a difficult thing for all to do. Once that happens, it is amazing to find out how many others have similar feelings that may not have been put into words.

The words help us see our thoughts...it allows us to get them out from the fleeting thoughts that are in our mind that have no shape.

It's hard to put our past behind because it is what shapes us into what we are, but there are times when we have to decide what person we want to be based on past experiences, but then let the past go & become the person we want to be from that moment on. Much easier to say than to do...for sure.

Your feelings about life & what is after our life here are normal questions for everyone. The unknown is scarry. It is normal to wonder & hope that is isn't just another plane of existance from our life here. For some, our Christian beliefs help with those questions....but that doesn't mean that they don't exist.....no don't feel alone with your questions.....I know I have asked the same things many times during my 54 years.

We are here to support.....so please, keep on posting when you feel like it. We all appreciate reading thoughts we can relate to & hopefully give you some reasurance that you are not alone & maybe a few hints on how to get through the rough times.

Debbie
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Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this.
Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
  #10  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 05:46 PM
TwilightDawn TwilightDawn is offline
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Member Since: Aug 2007
Location: Southwest Desert, USA
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Thanks...

Its so hard to break out of this comfort I've had for years-- I'm starting to stando n my own (ask a friend of mine who I cling to constantly-- I'm starting to tear away and be without them or waiting for them and I'm learning I'm not getting hurt.) Everything's scary to me... so I guess I stay in my comfort here. Some part of me wants to prove them wrong, so many people over my years...

...I was even what one would call an Oops, and I knew it for as long as I lived...

...for many years I thought that that I really didn't belong here... so many times I was supposed to die, and every time I haven't...

So I cling to that thought... I wasn't supposed to be here... I wasn't supposed to live...

...but something made sure I was living and something made sure I still was today, so maybe I do have some reason...
  #11  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 08:02 PM
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SeptemberMorn SeptemberMorn is offline
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HaHa! I was an "OOPS!", too. My mom was 46 when she got pregnant with me and my dad was 52 with 5 other kids from a pervious marriage. The drs had told my mom she couldn't get pregnant. In fact, I was more than an "OOOPS!" I was an "Oh %#@&#!!!!"

You have a reason for being here, never doubt that. It seems like...

It seems like...
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Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
  #12  
Old Sep 11, 2007, 08:43 AM
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eskielover eskielover is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
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My daughter was an oops, but a loved oops. Sometimes the oops'es in our lives are the best things that ever happen to us. I truely believe that everything happens for a reason & even we happen for a reason that is not always known to us or those around us.

I believe that we will find our purpose for being alive. The thing is that purpose may be so small & insignificant to us that we don't see it....but to someone else that we touch without even knowing......that can be where the reason is found.

Take care & believe that you are a wonderful part of the world around you & someone somewhere, somehow, will be touched by your soul....by your presense.

Just something to think about,
Debbie
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Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this.
Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
  #13  
Old Sep 11, 2007, 09:28 AM
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wickedwings wickedwings is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2007
Location: Pennsylvania, U.S.
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my dog turned out to be a funny "oops," despite the fact that i did all the research on the breeds (he's a mix between a french bulldog and a pug). he turned out so different from what i found in my research. lol. my hubby and i are blessed to have him, even if he's a little nutty at times. but, he's oh so cute. he's a good dog. he gets hyper, though, and we've learned how to manage a dog who's a complete imitation of a kid with adhd! It seems like... dang, i love watching the eyeballs pop out. lol
  #14  
Old Sep 12, 2007, 05:36 AM
TwilightDawn TwilightDawn is offline
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Member Since: Aug 2007
Location: Southwest Desert, USA
Posts: 61
Oh my that is a funny smily. XD

I can sit here watching it all day! Whee! XD

Yep, for someone who can be so off the wall, I love little amusements! Smily whee! XD It seems like...

I love animals, and they love me too, I think. I have three cats, used to be four, and we used to have a couple dogs. I love them all, even the ones now gone, and the ones still with us bless them. ^^
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