hello??? anyone awake???

I don't think he will mind if you text him. I so understand your feelings even down to the binge eating. I am going to work now but so want to help. I will be on tonight if you want someone to talk to. Rocking with you.

BB

Nothing to be sorry for. Email would be good. I like email because I can write more. I'm no good with texting. I can't write fast enough.

Maybe when you talk to Mr. Man you can tell him how much you miss him holding you. I think it would make him feel appreciated.

thank you.
i'm going to have a cigarette and then call mr man.
thanks everyone.
i'm sure i'll feel a little better tomorrow.
thank you

try and text or call him... it isn't that late...

I hope talking to Mr. Man makes you feel better.

(((( Alex )))))

omg. i sent t an email this morning about how it was understandable that he take some time off but that it hurt. and he replied... at the same time as i posted this:

> hey. yeah. i'm rocking a bit. can call mr. man in a while. but... i don't want him to know i feel upset :-( might help some to hear his voice, though. its hard 'cause he has gone away and i'm starting to forget what he looks like. won't get to see him until early next year :-( and t needed to cancel a session last week cause of conference. just feeling alone. remembered how mr. man used to hold me today... miss that. feel lonely. and sad, kinda. thanks.

t must be psychic :-o

:-)

going to call mr man now... psyching myself up. it isn't that i want to push him away... it isn't that i want to put on a happy face for him and disown what is going on for me... it is just that i don't want to stabotage the relationship by being too needy / too vulnerable / too upset and too hurt. i will try and talk to him... try and connect with him... i will... i just want to be careful. i really want this to work. thanks everybody.

I think its okay to be a little vulnerable sometimes. I think men like to feel a little needed.

I hope you have a good phone call.

Do you have a camera on your cell phone? If you do maybe you could take a picture of yourself and text it to Mr. Man, and then ask him to do the same. That way you will have a picture of him to carry around.

I'm glad t emailed you.

(((((((((( Alex )))))))))))))

I hope you got your message through to Mr. Man. I hope you are feeling better very soon.

Hugs,

Jan

:-)
had a nice talk. listened to him tell me some of the things he is worried about... and told him some of the things that i am worried about... and it was a nice talk really.
:-)
i wondered... if my fears about him having trouble with intimacy... might be a little projection on my part. but then i guess everybody has some intimacy issues, so maybe not.

anyway... things seem to be ticking along quite well... 'cept for the fact that we can't be together right now :-( maybe a few weeks early next year. touch wood and cross fingers etc etc etc. i think... i really like him. but i guess we need some time together to see...

thanks so much everybody. DETERMINED to have a better day tomorrow.

(((((everybody)))))

(((( Alex ))))

I'm glad you had a good talk.

Sleep well.

((((( Alex ))))))

I hope you're feeling better today hon. You must be sleeping now. Have a good day today and imagine all of us hugging you.

((((((((((( alex ))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry that you're missing your man so desperately. That's such an ache to the point of true pain.

I'm so glad you reached out here, and hope that you've had an alright night and a good day on your tomorrow.

You are in my thoughts and have been for some time. Just know that I think of you often.

KD

thanks guys.

i'm not sure what is up with this... but when i try and txt message him it won't go through. says something about my not being able to send to that number. it is strange because i can txt other people and he can txt other people but we don't seem to be able to txt each other. weird because i can send international txt's to the USA and Canada and New Zealand to OTHER people, but I don't seem to be able to txt him in the US... My phone doesn't have a camera... And we are both pretty weird about having our photos taken at any rate. Nice thing is that we both have homepages that have our photos on though - ha! So... I look at that sometimes... And some people take pics at party's and stuff so there are a couple other pictures of him that I can look at (though he is mostly holding his hands over his face).

I think... That people like to feel needed, yes. But I also think... That people don't like to feel too smothered. And that people don't like to feel (or most people at any rate) like someone is too needy of them. He is fairly independent in a way. And... I want to be more independent than I am. Trying to work on that. Finding the balance between independence and inter-dependence is hard. I think that we had a good conversation, though. He said that he had chatted to his sis for a while and the conversation was hard 'cause she is depressed and wants to talk about how sucky her life is. That she doesn't really care about what is going on for him. So I got to care about him for a while and validate him... Then he asked about me and so I told him that I was stressed about my review that is coming up at work etc and he got to validate me for a while. So... Reciprocal. Mirroring. That was nice.

And we both got to worry about work and finances etc which was a nice kind of twinning thing to do... Equalising powerwise...

:-)

I need to be careful... About getting caught in an idealising trap. Where I idealise him and where disillusionment and devaluation is sure to follow. Where he feels smothered by me and then feels inadequate etc. Mirroring... Something to aim for lol. Try and balance out the dynamic / the power thing... He is a bit older than me and a bit ahead of me in life (financial security, job security etc) and so I need to make sure that our relationship is more balanced rather than emphasising (or being based upon) an imbalance... It is also important to him (and important to me) that I keep on with my studies and potential career and stuff. He has had a relationship break up in the past where she lost her direction and moped around the house for a time... Then left the country to travel for a while... I think it is important to him that I have stuff going on that is important to me. Some independence and something for me to be getting on with. And... It is important to me. But there is also something vaguely seductive about the idea of forgoing all the %#@&#! stress and just wanting to throw it all away and go live with him... But at the end of the day that would be an end to the relationship. 'Cause I'd end up moping round the house with no direction getting all disgruntled about life... So it is nice to think that he will support me in developing my own career... And it is kinda nice that our areas overlap so that we can talk about what we are up to (and we know similar people and read similar stuff etc).

Think that things are going alright. Think that my upset and aloneness... Could have been prompted / triggered (at least partly) by stress at work. And so talking about that felt genuine and his validation really did help me feel a little better.

:-)

Alex, your post is absolutely filled with wisdom and I thank you for sharing it with us. Relationships at the very best, take a lot of work and mirroring. It sounds like you are absolutely on top of the situation. I am so glad for you and him.

Jan

Oh, Alex, no wonder you miss him so. It sounds like a beautiful and respectful relationship to cherish.

My heart's almost aching for you in remembrance of that pain...

KD

thank you both. yeah... i think... that potentially... this could be the one. just need some time to figure... we both have baggage attached, i think. something i have some optimism about is that he is in therapy, however, and he hasn't hesitated to have couples therapy before when his last relationship started to go downhill. sounds like he is still hurting a bit over his last relationship (broke up a couple years back but i think they were together for quite a while). seems like he has a fairly good understanding of what happened with respect to that, though, and i actually have a couple indicators of stuff that we would need to be careful with (ie me making sure i have my own direction and purpose and making sure i don't become aimless and dissatisfied / unhappy with whatever it is that i'm doing in life. for example... i know i'll never be happy being housewife / homemaker so that simply isn't on the cards).

he is respectful... i think he does have some intimacy issues... but then we haven't known each other for very long and so part of it could be about that. i guess if intimacy issues become a problem then it will be off to couples therapy we go lol.

problems are... that he lives all the way over the other side of the world from me :-( and... it is hard to see how we are going to get to live together :-( especially... since it is important to me to do what i'm doing and it is equally important to him to do what he is doing. i really hope... that circumstances don't conspire against us :-(

and... i hope i'm not going to get too clingy. or push him away cause i'm trying not to be too clingy. balance... so hard. so very hard. so very damned hard :-( i'm also worried that... i'll develop fears of intimacy as the relationship progresses. all my intense fears of abandonment stuff... stuff around how physical intimacy (for example) is easiest with relative strangers and next to impossible with life partners. sigh. we will figure it out. cross fingers. touch wood. i hope.

i... haven't really been in a relationship before. i mean... i've been involved with people who i shouldn't have been involved with (so that was unhealthy right from the start). and i've had a couple casual flings. and i've had an 'arrangement' with a friend for a few years. but a proper relationship (that wasn't inappropriate e.g., student - teacher). er... never. and... i haven't really met anybody who i WANTED to have a relationship with... can't believe i've actually met someone. thought... i thought... that i might well be incapable...

Gosh this thread is taking an intellectual turm. As Thomas the Tank Engine would say, splendid

lol.

not sure what to say. sorry.

Good morning alexandra!