hello??? anyone awake???

boo

boo... who??

boo you, i guess.
what ya doing?
i'm lonely :-(

feel... don't know. feel funny. lonely, i guess. grizzly. lonely :-(

needy. bit panicky

:-(

I'm here... want to chat???
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

deep breaths... deep breaths...

hey. i can't go into chat when i'm at home.

i just... i don't know. i don't know. feel funny :-(

((((((((((((( alex ))))))))))))))

Sorry you are feeling out of sorts. I hope you are feeling better soon. Sending you gentle thoughts and strength.

Hugsss
sabby

thankyou.

i found this:

For abused and neglected individuals, chronic re-experiencing and avoidance of traumatic memories, combined with a deficient, fragmented self system, form a psyche that is unable to provide the soothing, self-regulation and integration of self-states required for adequate psychological functioning. Such vulnerability gives rise to primitive annihilation and disintegration terror; as Fairbairn described, “the terror of objectlessness” (in Grand & Alpert, 1993), floating in an abyss of isolation and hopelessness. In order to escape awareness of this state, the child disconnects in a “dead spot” of experience (Kestenberg in Schore, 2002) in which “both the subjective self and intersubjective field instantly switch off and do not exist” (Schore, 2002, p. 454). In essence, this represents the equivalent of infinitely re-experienced internal and external abandonment.

i feel... like i'm fragmenting sometimes. breaking up. i wish someone could hold me :-(

sorry

got my arms around you.. take some more deep breaths..

thank you. i'm sorry :-(
i don't think my therapist sees me enough. i need more :-( not doing so well :-(

alex, i understand and giving you gentle hugs. I am sorry I was not on to hold you earlier. Sometimes it helps me to rock. In some form of system we will all be one again. With gentle thoughts.

BB

hey. yeah. i'm rocking a bit. can call mr. man in a while. but... i don't want him to know i feel upset :-( might help some to hear his voice, though. its hard 'cause he has gone away and i'm starting to forget what he looks like. won't get to see him until early next year :-( and t needed to cancel a session last week cause of conference. just feeling alone. remembered how mr. man used to hold me today... miss that. feel lonely. and sad, kinda. thanks.

well... you are not alone... we are all here with you..
and rocking helps so much... and a blanket...

((((alex))))



Dee

thank you. it scares me kinda that i can't talk to mr man. to tell him that i don't feel so good. if he was here... he would know and be able to help me feel better by soothing or distracting me. not sure that can be reinacted over the phone. i'm never sure how much i need to tell him how i feel or how much i just need to put on a happy face so i'll end up feeling happier. not sure. last time i talked to him i did the latter. the time before... he thought i was upset and i was kinda. he asked something about how i was when i was at my worst and i said he had seen that already. that it lasted a couple hours but it could last a couple days sometimes... he seemed a bit shocked.

then said something about how he guessed that it could happen to anyone. but i worry... that he is worrying... about what he has gotten himself into. need to be happier. more productive. healthier. i'm scared he is gonna leave me :-( but... he isn't even here :-( i need someone outside me to organise me. to glue me together or help structure me or something.

having interactions with someone who... left me for a time and i shattered into pieces. hard. don't trust him anymore...

three important people in my life...

i think i need my therapist right now.
dare me to txt him???

I double dog dare ya!!!

i'm sorry. i don't mean to be dismissive of peoples efforts. don't mean to be :-( i guess some vulnerabilities this week... and encroaching deadlines at work gets me additional pressure... and really missing mr mans physical presence... and my t taking some time off... and interacting with this other person again (bringing up memories of trauma)... hard... so hard...

but i do appreciate peoples efforts to help.
i do.

need to stop binge eating...
eat to help deaden me
deaden me inside
dead
dead
dead
dead
numb

so sad sometimes :-(

I double dog dare ya!!!

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lol. maybe... i should.
i mean... he can ignore me...
he might be sleeping...
i think he is a morning person.
but it really would suck if i woke him up :-(
scared now...
um...
thinking...

We are here if you need us, right here.....right now, not going anywhere

“being seen” also often brings with it anxiety provoking memories of predation, intense fears of abandonment, a sense of unworthiness, desperate feelings of dependency, self loathing for having dependency needs, and/or intense pain/grief in now receiving what has been needed but rarely if ever received in childhood (Blizard, 2003).

:-(

((((( Alex ))))))

I'm sorry you aren't doing well.

I don't think your t would mind if you text him. If he is asleep he probably has his phone off so I don't think you will wake him up.

What time is it where you are anyway?

10.20pm. i just worry... incase he is oncall or something... incase he uses his cellphone for emergencies or somtehing... dunno... worried about nothing maybe... maybe i'll email him. that way he can respond (or not) just when he wishes. said that i don't like him taking time off (though i know it is understandable). maybe... i can tell him that i feel hurt and alone and vulnerable sometimes. maybe i can. i don't know. i'm sorry.